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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband asking young girl out to dinner behind my back

113 replies

brokencrayons · 25/08/2017 18:34

hi.

Never posted here before but had to get something off my chest.

My husband left himself logged onto FBon my laptop. I found messages from him to a young girl who drinks at the pub he works at.

She did him a favour today and he sent her a message saying "thanks so much, I owe you dinner, x"

confronted him about it, ended up in arguement, him calling me crazy (Im not, Im literally so laid back) and he also ended up nit picking the housework today (he is a bloody clean freak) called me a lazy bitch and told me I was a fuckface...nice.

its not OK for a married man to say that is it? I just feel like its really smarmy, not something a 40 something should be saying to a 20 something (very pretty) young woman...

Im hurting so much
He's showing no remorse.

OP posts:
babybigapple · 25/08/2017 18:53

Fuckface?! Hmm

Booboobooboo84 · 25/08/2017 18:53

Oh Hun I think it was a throw away comment. I owe you one, a beer, a dinner etc. She did him a favour and he said he'd set it right. So initially I'm not sure he'd actually done anything wrong. It's written the same as if it was a guy he was talking too.

But the way he spoke to you after he can go fuck himself. Unless he was responding to you talking to him in a similar way.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 25/08/2017 18:54

brokencrayons FWIW - the dinner thing is just a turn of phrase. There's really nothing it. Your subsequent post has given perspective to the real issues in the relationship, everyone is unhappy, and you both need to look at how to get it back on track. You're focusing on the dinner thing rather than addressing the real problems of lack of communication and intimacy in your relationship.

MargaretTwatyer · 25/08/2017 18:54

To be fair, when I was a barmaid a customer owing me dinner meant they would get me a McDonald's to eat at the end of the bar or get me a Chinese takeaway. It wasn't necessarily organising a date IYSWIM. But the rest of the stuff about picking at the housework and then calling you names is horrendous.

Herculesfan · 25/08/2017 18:55

I think initially you over reacted as it sounds pretty innocent thank you, however his actions since then are unacceptable

PurpleMinionMummy · 25/08/2017 18:56

Hmm I think the way he's reacted means you were probably right to be suspicious about the message. If my husband was upset over what was an innocent message I'd be upset too. Not nitpicking at him and being an arse.

PollytheDolly · 25/08/2017 18:59

Fuckface? Is he twelve?

Widdsters · 25/08/2017 18:59

Nah fuck that shit, he was flirting.
And tentatively suggesting a date.

And the way it erupted into a row is totally 'doth protest too much' in my eyes.
I'd tell him to fuck right off.
I'm not suggesting you do that! I don't know how you guys normally deal with things!
But definitely wait for an apology.
Your marriage might have its other issues at the mo; that's beside the point and don't get dragged into no sidetrack bollocks.

You do not suggest dinner to another woman, in secret, with a kiss, when you're married.

Allthelightsgoout · 25/08/2017 19:00

I think what he said was just a turn of phrase.

His reaction to you bringing it up and the other stuff is the problem.

Viviennemary · 25/08/2017 19:01

I owe you dinner is just a standard phrase meaning thanks I owe you a favour. It doesn't mean he's asking her out on a date. That would be my take on it. But being horrible and vile language is certainly not on.

luckylucky24 · 25/08/2017 19:01

I think you overreacted but his response was totally unacceptable. My DH would have apologised whether he agreed it to be inappropriate or not. The apology was because YOU were upset by his actions/words nothing to do with how he feels it is acceptable to act.

Original poster
brokencrayons · 25/08/2017 19:01

she doesnt work at the pub btw. She just drinks there. :/

OP posts:
AccrualIntentions · 25/08/2017 19:02

I wouldn't have a problem at all with "I owe you dinner" in return for a favour.

I would have a massive problem with the way he spoke to you afterwards, and really that should be your focus because it's completely unacceptable!

happiestblonde · 25/08/2017 19:02

He didn't ask her to dinner.

Seriously.

I use this that as a general phrase 'thanks I owe you one / thanks I owe you dinner'

It's not an invitation.

Christ alive - I can be highly strung but these reactions are batshit

Papafran · 25/08/2017 19:03

Flowers OP. You poor thing. He sounds so horrible. There is absolutely no excuse for calling the mother of your children (or anyone) a fuckface.

Most young girls aren't really into middle aged men, so it is probably not going to lead to anything. But it's completely inappropriate for him to send to her anyway.

Is there any way you could go away with the DC for a few days? Do your parents live near or anything? It sounds like you need to get your head together. But obviously your marriage will only be saved if he is willing to work on it too and mend his horrible ways.

MrsDustyBusty · 25/08/2017 19:04

Well the way he wrote it wasn't exactly asking her out for dinner though? Just more of an 'I owe you one'.
How he spoke to you isn't acceptable though

I'm going to say that how he reacted is proof that it was exactly how it seemed. Massive overreaction for a misunderstanding. That reaction smacks of foiled sexplans.

Papafran · 25/08/2017 19:05

Christ alive - I can be highly strung but these reactions are batshit

what about him calling her a fuckface? And nitpicking over the housework and being unsupportive about her traumatic birth? The message is the least of the OP's problems.

Greyponcho · 25/08/2017 19:06

Unacceptable.
You caught him doing something he shouldn't be doing, so he finds something that you've "done wrong" to try to balance it out and therefore justify his behaviour: he's guilty as hell and projecting on to you.
Sorry OP, but he's a piece of work.
LTB

Pigface1 · 25/08/2017 19:06

His reaction is too defensive for it to have been innocent.

And the way he spoke to you is absolutely unacceptable.

ImperialBlether · 25/08/2017 19:06

Oh come on, "I owe you dinner" means he wants a date. He could've said, "I owe you a drink" and given she goes to his local pub, that would be fine. Dinner, though? When was the last time he took you out to dinner, OP?

And I wouldn't stay with a man who spoke to me like that - he's horrible.

mmmmnuts · 25/08/2017 19:07

It's definitely flirting, but could of course be nothing more than that.

The name calling and all the other problems you listed in a further post are probably more of an issue in your relationship to be honest. Maybe you need to sit down and talk to him openly and honestly about that stuff.

AccrualIntentions · 25/08/2017 19:08

Oh come on, "I owe you dinner" means he wants a date

It really doesn't. I've said this to colleagues who've done me a favour, and I'm really, really not looking to shag them. It means I'm grateful for the help they've provided and will buy them a meal to say thanks.

Papafran · 25/08/2017 19:11

Actually, I would say 'I owe you a coffee' or 'I owe you lunch'. Not dinner. I would not put a kiss at the end of a message to a male colleague or acquaintance either- I would expect them to take it the wrong way. It is pretty rare for men to put kisses on texts unless they are flirting.

mmmmnuts · 25/08/2017 19:13

It is pretty rare for men to put kisses on texts unless they are flirting

This.

ohtheholidays · 25/08/2017 19:13

The message he sent sounds innocent enough but his reaction to you having seen the message is not so innocent!