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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

husband asking young girl out to dinner behind my back

113 replies

brokencrayons · 25/08/2017 18:34

hi.

Never posted here before but had to get something off my chest.

My husband left himself logged onto FBon my laptop. I found messages from him to a young girl who drinks at the pub he works at.

She did him a favour today and he sent her a message saying "thanks so much, I owe you dinner, x"

confronted him about it, ended up in arguement, him calling me crazy (Im not, Im literally so laid back) and he also ended up nit picking the housework today (he is a bloody clean freak) called me a lazy bitch and told me I was a fuckface...nice.

its not OK for a married man to say that is it? I just feel like its really smarmy, not something a 40 something should be saying to a 20 something (very pretty) young woman...

Im hurting so much
He's showing no remorse.

OP posts:

riceuten · 25/08/2017 19:13

Saying I owe you dinner is borderline wavy hand, but calling you a fuckface and a lazy bitch shows a complete and utter lack of respect.

IDoDaChaCha · 25/08/2017 19:14

It is pretty rare for men to put kisses on texts unless they are flirting I agree.

Neutrogena · 25/08/2017 19:15

Do nothing for 48 hrs until the emotions have died down.
Make a rational sensible choice. Not a shrill emotional one. Take your time.

Gorgosparta · 25/08/2017 19:16

I dont think the 'i owe you dinner' means anything and its not an invitation. The kiss probably doesnt mean anything either. Many people end texts messages or emails with them. I am not a fan, but people do.

The way he spoke to you is disgusting. Is this usual for you? Were you both throwing insults?

You sound really unhappy

MrsDustyBusty · 25/08/2017 19:17

Make any choice you want and certainly don't listen to anyone who tells you that you shouldn't express your anger in case you are "shrill". Never listen to anyone who says you're nor allowed your feelings, particularly in the face of verbal aggression.

Ropsleybunny · 25/08/2017 19:17

for you OP. You are better than this, he is way out of line for speaking to you like that. You now have to decide whether this is a deal breaker or whether there is a way forward. The fact that he refuses to apologise makes things look bleak.

Phalenopsisgirl · 25/08/2017 19:19

Actually, I would say 'I owe you a coffee' or 'I owe you lunch'. Not dinner. I would not put a kiss at the end of a message to a male colleague or acquaintance either- I would expect them to take it the wrong way. It is pretty rare for men to put kisses on texts unless they are flirting.

This

IDoDaChaCha · 25/08/2017 19:19

Make a rational sensible choice. Not a shrill emotional one. the person who made a 'shrill emotional' decision was DH calling OP 'fuckface'.

IDoDaChaCha · 25/08/2017 19:20

Never listen to anyone who says you're nor allowed your feelings, particularly in the face of verbal aggression.

Absolutely.

Dieu · 25/08/2017 19:20

'I owe you one - choccies or wine?' would be a more appropriate gesture of thanks, than a meal out together.
I hate to say this OP, but is it possible that they are already having an affair? Bear in mind, that an adulterer will happily turn on you (and your so called uncleanliness) in order to justify his behaviour. It's textbook stuff ... take it from one who knows!
And the way he spoke to you was totally unacceptable, and more than a little defensive ...

Mivery · 25/08/2017 19:24

So let me start by saying your husband was 100% out of line for speaking to you that way.

However, in regard to the message itself, I don't think offering a regular at the bar you work at a meal as a thank you counts as him "asking a young girl out to dinner," I don't know your husband, so I can speak to the message itself, and it definitely sounds POSSIBLE that you're projecting your insecurity on to this fairly ambiguous message.

To me, that reads a generic thank/"I owe you one" and him working at a bar means it isn't abnormal for him as a 40 year old man to regularly be speaking to attractive younger women, so again, without added context? Yeah it seems like you may have jumped the gun, however, all that being said, the fact that he responded by getting defensive, calling you names, etc. leads to me to think something might be up.

happiestblonde · 25/08/2017 19:24

Papa - yeah he's a dick for those.
I would never abuse my partner but if he read my messages then accused me of something for a casual comment, I would be pissed off

reallyanotherone · 25/08/2017 19:25

My dh will often owe someone dinner.

Or quite frequently someone female will say they owe him dinner. His line of work they often do each other favours.

What they mean is they will come round ours when our kids are in bed and we'll get a takeaway.

Tbh i'd be swearing at dh if he really thought me "owing dinner" was me having an affair. If he doesn't trust me he can fuck right off.

And i have never understood the "x = a kiss" thing. I never use it, but i have friends and aquaintences who do and i don't see it as anything more than a friendly sign off.

IDoDaChaCha · 25/08/2017 19:26

Mivery as pp have said he would've said I owe you a drink if he works in a pub (and has no provision to meals as OP has clarified). Or even as you said "I owe you one". Why dinner? And then why go mad when asked about it? He seems dodge to me.

IDoDaChaCha · 25/08/2017 19:26

Original poster

brokencrayons · 25/08/2017 19:29

Owing a mutual friend dinner is a different ball game. this is a girl I have never met.

He doesnt sign off all his messages with a "x" not even to me. ^

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 25/08/2017 19:29

i always say i owe u one or a drink not dinner unless it wa a mate or they bought me dinner themseelves

why would a customr drop everything to help the local barman move somthing

Original poster

brokencrayons · 25/08/2017 19:31

he's not a barman btw, just to clarify. he just works at the pub. x

OP posts:

JanetStWalker · 25/08/2017 19:32

'I owe you one' or 'I owe you a beer' is very different to, 'I owe you dinner x'.

Original poster

brokencrayons · 25/08/2017 19:32

I wish I had some wine.

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 25/08/2017 19:33

Its not OK. I don't care what sort of context it may have been. He is rude arrogant and disrespectful . I bet he's not that way to her tho..whatever favour she did isn't going to be more than you do for and with him. Yet he talks to you like that?

Its a pub he could have stood her a drink, doesn't need to suggest an evening out. He's off key thats why he lost it when you confronted him about it. Furthermore why are they even messaging each other anyway? Are they close? He's full of bullshit

Get away from him for a bit and think about what you want to do. Its not a good relationship based on his actions and attitude

realllyanotherone you're talking about a completely different situation so why use it in comparison and then go on about if your DH didn't trust you he'd have to fuck off?

What they mean is they will come round ours when our kids are in bed and we'll get a takeaway

I highly doubt OP's man is inviting this girl round to theirs when the kids are in bed!

Jaimx86 · 25/08/2017 19:36

Is dinner lunch where you are, Op?

PurpleMinionMummy · 25/08/2017 19:42

Why would you say you owe someone dinner if you have zero intention of ever buying them one? I find that bizarre.

Original poster

brokencrayons · 25/08/2017 19:42

"dinner" is an evening meal here!

OP posts:

Papafran · 25/08/2017 19:43

He doesnt sign off all his messages with a "x" not even to me

Well, there you go. I don't think you overreacted at all. He was obviously pissed off at being caught, hence the gaslighting.

What do you want to do? Apart from drink all the obviously.

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