Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel sorry for this woman but also think she is being incredibly foolish?

125 replies

MissionItsPossible · 25/08/2017 10:16

These types of stories get me upset but also angry (at the other person, not her)

Basically, a 72 year old woman has blown her entire life savings on her 27 year old Nigerian husband trying to get him a visa to come to the UK. They met after he messaged her on Facebook and they chatted for hours despite the age and 4000 mile gap.

I know it's her money and really none of my business but I feel really sorry for this woman and do not think for one second he married her out of love.

Story here: www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/besotted-grandma-72-blows-entire-11050833

OP posts:
ibbleobbleblackbubble · 25/08/2017 16:45

Maybe the reality is that it is indeed just an unpalatable arrangement in the eyes of most but these two deserve each other
a couple of players trying to game each other, I predict a power struggle will ensue, I dont think there's a win -win situation here

ibbleobbleblackbubble · 25/08/2017 16:50

He is working, has been to college to gain further qualifications, and most relevant, hasn't disappeared into the sunset
I guess he's still with her because he knows what side his bread is buttered on, he's still benefiting from the set up
she may be going to some lengths to keep him happy and make him stay and he's not had a better offer?

Gorgosparta · 25/08/2017 16:57

I know someone in this exact situation, except she has been with her Nigerian husband for over six years, travelled to see him, went back to Nigeria to marry him, andeveryonein her circle of friends told her he was only after a visa, not least because she has numerous health problems etc and no money or any prospects.

She was 72? So he gets to keep living in the house when she dies. If she was 72 when they marries, i imagine She wont be around much longer. And he can start his life again. Since he will only be in his early 30s

ibbleobbleblackbubble · 25/08/2017 17:01

if I'd escaped from a miserable life in a backward country by marrying some old duffer in the UK with health problems I'd sure as shit stick around until he croaked so that I could inherit.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 25/08/2017 17:08

She's in her 60s, and she doesn't own the house, its local authority.

Also, does that assume that we are to label all Nigerians as scammers? Don't get me wrong, I was as suspicious as the next person, but given they're still together and he really has stuck by her through some truly awful stuff, I think that it's starting to head down a slippery slope to now label him because of his race.

FineOldCriminals · 25/08/2017 17:21

"Old is gold", as I've heard the chaps say... I'm currently in part of the world where female European sex tourists are so common that I've been constantly pestered by men young enough to be my sons offering "company". It's grim, and both sides in these relationships are fools.

ibbleobbleblackbubble · 25/08/2017 17:35

female European sex tourists are so common
I had no idea!

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 25/08/2017 17:37

But she may not die of her health problems. She could receive treatment and live for another 30 years.

Reality is that there are marriages started out of love which we know to be out of love which have lasted for less time. Yet people assume that A, because he's Nigerian, and B, because he's younger, the only reason he has married her is because of wanting a visa. That could of course well be the case, but what if it isn't?

If it was a younger bloke in the UK what would we say was his motive? People come on here to ask about age gaps and even I am a bit Hmm at anything more than about fifteen years. But while many of these relationships likely have another motive behind them, there is always going to be the exception which doesn't. And while those exceptions exist, people will be drawn into these situations thinking that they must be that exception.

IrritatedUser1960 · 25/08/2017 17:42

No sympathy for her at all, she ought to know better at her age. I'm 55 and if a 27 year old of any nationality showed interest in me I'd know full well he'd be after something.
How stupid can people be?

Allthelightsgoout · 25/08/2017 17:52

I don't think it IS seen as acceptable when men do it. When an elderly man pitches up with a 20 or 30 something woman from a 3rd world/poverty stricken country, I've never known anyone think otherwise than that they were 'purchasing' a desperate human being who has to play along to get money/a visa. And many of those men have deluded themselves into thinking it's 'love' and some know exactly what it's all about and just don't care.

I don't think it's any less exploitative or gross just because it's a woman.

Whinesalot · 25/08/2017 17:58

I'd love to be so deluded that I could believe that I was so attractive that a 27 would fall for me. It would be more fun than looking at my saggy body and wrinkles and feeling my age. But unfortunately fortunately I'm not a fool.

FluffyPineapple · 25/08/2017 18:04

Its amazing the lengths people will go to in order to secure a life in the UK. Once he gets here and gets his leave to remain she wont see him for dust. There's no fool like an old fool ..

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 25/08/2017 18:13

Mrs Merton had it

No she did not. There was a 20 year age gap between Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee. They had had an 8 year working relationship before they married and had a long, and happy marriage. It beard no comparison to this and it is extremely insulting to Debbie McGee to say so.

Mintychoc1 · 25/08/2017 18:30

OP the lady I knew was in her 70s, Nigerian man in his 30s. She came home after they split up, he stayed there, and I don't know if they ever divorced.

Original poster
MissionItsPossible · 25/08/2017 19:10

Did they last long Minty?

OP posts:
Allthelightsgoout · 25/08/2017 19:22

I don't think it's an accurate comparison to talk about very famous, rich, talented men or women having much younger partners.

I'd shag Bruce Springsteen even though never in a million years would I shag a random man his age. Because I'm not attracted to much older men but I am attracted to him - because he's....Bruce Springsteen! It's not the money, It's the history, talent and charisma and all the amazing music that he's produced that makes him attractive.

But an average 72 year old man or woman has to be completely deluded to convince themselves that a hot 27 wants to peel their clothes off and fuck them. Unless the 27 year old has an elderly fetish (which is a thing!)

Gorgosparta · 25/08/2017 19:42

She's in her 60s, and she doesn't own the house, its local authority.

So not the exact situation then. Cinsidering her situation has gone in for years, there was far less of an age gap. And he gets to stay in the house when she passes?

Gorgosparta · 25/08/2017 19:44

And honestly i think its just as bad when its a man.

People do laugh and take the piss.

Except you very rarely see men running to press with these stories. Its usually women that do. Which is why its dicussed publically more often.

MargaretTwatyer · 25/08/2017 19:46

No she did not. There was a 20 year age gap between Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee. They had had an 8 year working relationship before they married and had a long, and happy marriage. It beard no comparison to this and it is extremely insulting to Debbie McGee to say so.

They got together when she was 20 and he was 40. The reason they didn't marry for 8 years was because he was a notorious tightwad and had been burned once in a divorce. He was a short, ugly and by all accounts nasty little man who happened to be very rich and famous.

However I think in that case a genuine love did grow.

SavoyCabbage · 25/08/2017 19:49

There are people in this situation who are in actual relationships. I couldn't bring my dh into the Uk despite being married to him for 13 years, with two British born dc and a house in the uk. And dh earns loadsa money too.

Those are the rules, thanks to May.

Helloyouitsme · 25/08/2017 19:50

He has also been with hundreds of women.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 25/08/2017 20:37

@Allthelightsgoout except there is a difference between shagging Bruce Springsteen because he is talented and marrying him, surely? You might shag a hot celebrity but once you got to know them they would still only be some 70 something bloke. The marriageability wouldn't be any greater once you knew them as a human being.

Also, in reference to the person I know, the situation is the same in that he added her to facebook, she married him after a couple of weeks, he wanted to come to the UK and a visa was subsequently denied. The differences are that he has now gained a visa with the help of her MP and is now living over here. The age gap is around 35 years though with him being about nineteen/twenty when they originally got together.

WS12 · 26/08/2017 12:53

I mean how on earth do you pronounce this?!

Nwachukwu

hellokittymania · 26/08/2017 13:16

This happens to so many people, I don't even think people realize how many people it affects. I work in southeast Asia, I think a lot of the 419 people as they are known, are in south east Asia actually. If you go to Bangkok, sukhumvit soi 3 has many many Nigerians in the Internet cafés all night long. I was caught up in an immigration read one time. They are certainly not there on holiday. I know some are definitely doing other things, drugs, prostitution etc., but I believe there are others who do the online scamming

People are naïve, but I think a lot of the ones who fall for things like this are lonely and I also really want to help the other person.

hellokittymania · 26/08/2017 13:19

And cabbage is correct as well, I know many people who are trying to get visas and they are in proper relationships. Many have met their girlfriends, it's usually men, and they are living in the US or the UK or other places and trying to get visas for their wives or girlfriends and have a hard time with it.