AIBU to feel sorry for this woman but also think she is being incredibly foolish?

[MissionItsPossible]

These types of stories get me upset but also angry (at the other person, not her)

Basically, a 72 year old woman has blown her entire life savings on her 27 year old Nigerian husband trying to get him a visa to come to the UK. They met after he messaged her on Facebook and they chatted for hours despite the age and 4000 mile gap.

I know it's her money and really none of my business but I feel really sorry for this woman and do not think for one second he married her out of love.

Story here: www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/besotted-grandma-72-blows-entire-11050833

Is this guy's so into older women why didn't he marry a 72 year old woman in Nigeria?

Similarly if Jerry Hall is so into older men why didn't she marry an 84 year old who wasn't a billionaire

I can only compare it to these sad older men who go to Thailand and marry an 'local girl'. Seem to think it makes them better than those using prostitutes, it's not. You're just buying one for the long term, and it's exactly the same when the woman is older. Taking advantage of someone's desperation to get out of poverty/current lifestyle, you can't feel sorry for them when it inevitably comes out they've been played a fool.

I'm regularly gobsmacked hearing of these stories, at the levels of self-delusion involved to achieve sex/seeming-romance. Pretending it's not a transaction. That goes for both sexes.

As I understand it part of the attraction of Thai brides is that women from less modern countries are more likely to be subservient... they are biddable, they will defer to a male authority.
And so you really do get value for money when compared to uppity British women.

But an ambitious 27 year old Nigerian man?
Is he going to do as he's told?

The consensus is often that a man is raping a woman who prostitutes herself. Consent is not freely given because she is being coerced due to the financial need.

Is this any different?

She says 'i cant believe he wants to soend the rest of his life with me'

She is clearly not thinking straight. Chances are that she will be dead in the next 10-15 years and he will then be kiving here and young enough to start over.

He full well knows that he isnt planning on spending the rest of HIS life with her.

I know several women who go to egypt to visit much younger 'boyfriends'. The women pay for everything while they are over there. But dont send money. These men are incredibly poor and jump at the chance to have 2 weeks all expenses paid in a nice hotel.

But, Yes it is prostitution. Yes its cohersion.

I dont think its ok.

But, Yes it is prostitution. Yes its cohersion.

Is it though? Whilst someone can always produce an anecdotal "happy hooker" story, we know that a significant proportion, possibly a majority, of prostitutes are being coerced by threats of, or actual, violence from pimps and traffickers. We also know that prostitutes routinely experience cohersion with threats of violence from their "clients" to do things they don't want to do. This isn't in the same category. It may be unpalatable but it's not prostitution or coercion in my opinion.

Plenty of uk men do this so it isn't news anymore.
Lots of women who barely have a grasp of English and are just brought over to nurse/worse some bloke who hopes their lack of English means they won't get nagged.
It is grim.

So because sime prositutes get beaten, paying for sex isnt?

One difference between this and a man with a much younger woman is there's no chance of children being conceived here. I have a relative who's a midwife, and she's delivered a few babies where the man has very obviously bought a wife from overseas. My relative has said that she finds these situations very unsettling, the men are usually retired, come to all the appointments and generally speak for the woman.

She should just shag him and leave him

What I don't understand is how anyone - male or female - can imagine that someone they've never met really loves them and has no mercenary/visa-related motives.
I well remember some really old bloke with absolutely awful teeth on some TV documentary, who insisted that his attractive young Thai wife had married him purely for love. How deluded can you get?

Can't say I really feel sorry for anyone fleeced out of their savings like this - more a case of being exasperated that they could be so naive and stupid.

I heard of one woman, only about 40 and obviously quite intelligent, who not only spent all her savings but also took out a bank loan for some bloke she had only 'met' online. The bank wanted to know what the loan was for, and she told them - they warned her in the strongest possible terms against it, but she went ahead anyway.

It may be unpalatable but it's not prostitution or coercion in my opinion.

Would he have sex with her if she wasn't giving him money or the chance of a new life in the UK. The suspicion is no. Therefore it is prostitution.

It's no different to a stoney broke woman shagging a man solely because he's giving her £50.

She says 'i cant believe he wants to soend the rest of his life with me

She's absolutely deluded if she believes this. If his visa is every approved - which hopefully it won't be - hell stay with her a matter of months before disappearing. He randomly added her as fb friend I wonder how many other similar people he'd tried to add before her.

Would he have sex with her if she wasn't giving him money or the chance of a new life in the UK. The suspicion is no. Therefore it is prostitution.

Of course he wouldn't, but to class it as prostitution is trivialising prostitution IMO. Obviously not on MN, but out in the real world there are still women who see marrying a well-paid man as a "career" choice for themselves and up until relatively recently that wasn't even something to be embarrassed about. Is that prostitution? If it is then maybe we need to find a new term for all the women who are selling their bodies for an hourly rate out of desperation, or to feed a drug habit or because they are being forced to.

This is a very interesting case actually when you think about it. On the one hand we have people of the opinion that she is the victim - a silly old woman being scammed by a devious young man who is only after her money and a visa. Then we have other people arguing that he is the victim, being taken advantage of due to his economic desperation (the prostitution analogy). Both arguments make some kind of logical sense but they can't both be the victim. Maybe the reality is that it is indeed just an unpalatable arrangement in the eyes of most but these two deserve each other.

Having sex with someone for payment is prostitution.

His payment is the money she spends when with him and his visa.

The fact that some prostitutes are beaten and forced do it by pimps, makes them sex slaves.

Thats the difference. You are describing slavery.

Chances are that she will be dead in the next 10-15 years and he will then be living here and young enough to start over.

She might have Windsor (Saxe-Coburg) genes, and be in for another 29 years ...

Herotherhalf

I take on board what you're saying however, it is prostitution. Whether he is a victim is another matter same as not every woman who is a prostitute is a victim.

However, your post reveals something else. Males who are victims of sexual assault aren't taken seriously. 15 year old girl shags her teacher and he's a pervert. 15 year old boy? Lucky bugger.

Also if the roles were reversed and an older man paid money in a similar arrangement to a woman from abroad, he would be seen as a dirty old man and her a victim. On this thread, the old woman has been getting a pat on the back for having sex with someone where consent free from financial gain is dubious.

Maybe your last sentence is nearer the truth though. Maybe they both deserve each other.

I'm an American woman. I went on a dating site here in the UK, coincidentally its where I met my future Brit husband. I was never accused of trying to find a British husband in order to stay in the UK, which I understand. I'm from a similar country, development-wise. The Home Office hasn't had a rash of scams from my country of men and women trying to stay in the UK and getting married to do it. When my husband and I went to register our intent to marry, we had to have an interview because I'm foreign, but the lady didn't refer us to the Home Office simply because I'm American and was completing a PhD. She said, I clearly have better options than marrying my husband. .

There was an older man there with his young Asian girlfriend. She was studying English before her interview. They went first, and I heard the man very angry that the Home Office was going to be notified and they'd be investigated, thus needing to wait another 4-6 months before they'd find out. The girlfriend clearly didn't understand English enough to understand. The older man didn't even want to answer the question, "where did you meet?"

The most interesting part of the entire thing was that when I was on the dating website, I got 4-5 messages a day from men in the Middle East, Africa, Asia, South America, telling me how beautiful I was and that they'd love to marry me and live in the US or UK. One blatantly said they wanted to give me $15,000 to marry him and get a visa for the US.

It's a Wild West on the internet! She really should have been more careful.

Do you know what fucks me off? The fact that when men do this it's seen as okay and acceptable but when women do it they get laughed at.

Everybody knows Thai brides don't love the hideous old goats they shack up with, but it's seen as okay for them to exchange sex and housekeeping for money/visas.

I imagine she knows perfectly well he doesn't love her but fancies a few years of having a damn good banging before he gets the right to remain and buggers off.

I think the Home Office have made the right decision, but I don't blame her for trying.

If it's prostitution then half of UK marriages are too. You only have to look at posts on here to see a lot of people get married with one eye on the financial advantages and rights it brings. Just because a foreign person does it doesn't make it prostitution any more than Debbie McGee being attracted to millionaire Paul Daniels.

The thing is, if they've now been declined a visa then what insentive does he have for staying in a relationship with her? He might as well go and find someone else now, surely?

I know someone in this exact situation, except she has been with her Nigerian husband for over six years, travelled to see him, went back to Nigeria to marry him, and everyone in her circle of friends told her he was only after a visa, not least because she has numerous health problems etc and no money or any prospects.

However, five years ago he came to the UK after her MP intervened to secure him a visa. He is working, has been to college to gain further qualifications, and most relevant, hasn't disappeared into the sunset.

It's becoming increasingly more difficult to believe that he's only in it for the visa even though one's instincts scream that there must have been another motive.

If he'd disappeared after six months of entering the UK everyone would have said it served her right for being so gullible and falling for a scammer who clearly just wanted to take advantage. And actually, the message behind that goes so much deeper, because it essentially says that no man of that age and caliber would obviously go for her in her situation. Except now that he's stuck around for the long hall we don't see people coming out to say that they must have been wrong to make the assumptions they did. At what point does one change one's view? Look at e.g. Bruce Forsyth's last wife. She was significantly younger than him when they got together, he in his 60's and her in her 20s I believe. And I imagine that most would say that she'd snared an older celeb for his money, and yet they stayed the distance.

I don't believe that the 27 year old who had Mick Jagger's baby loves him any more than the 27 year old who is apparently with this woman. And yet there's always a chance that one could be wrong, and while there's a chance, people will keep taking these steps, and in some cases they may not be the ones who are wrong.

Do you know what fucks me off? The fact that when men do this it's seen as okay and acceptable but when women do it they get laughed at. I agree. It's like a collective hallucination that young, gorgeous women can find ugly men attractive if they have money but not the other way around. Ed Sheeran is a perfect example. I don't think I'll ever go to Thailand again to witness the repulsive stuff that goes on. Shame, because it's a lovely country.

Mrs Merton had it.