AIBU to be disgusted with my parents

[CabbagesAREFluffy]

There is a back story to this.

When I was growing up we lived in a absolute shit pit. The house was not just a mess but filthy. The carpets were crawling with silverfish.
My dad worked hard in a professional role but my mum was a SAHP and never worked she was lazy, housework cleaning and cooking was beneath her. She wasn't ill or anything, no MH issues just down right lazy.

Our house stank, our clothes stank as they rarely got washed. I used to get bullied at school for smelling terrible.

There home is not as bad now, it still smells and they smell but it's not as filthy. My mum still doesn't do anything around the house but dad tries his best but he works full time and finds it a struggle to do all the chores and the cooking.

Last year a member of DHs family died and me and him went abroad for 5 days. Our DC stayed with my parents.

It wasn't until I went to do DDs washing that I realized none of her clothes or extra uniform had been used. I took her to school on Monday morning as we had a afternoon flight and she was collected. My mum had put her bag somewhere "safe" but couldn't locate it. So she had no change of clothes no underwear no pjs or even a hairbrush.

My mum miraculously found the bag the day we returned.

When this came to light I had it out with both of them. Mum couldn't see what the issue was. Dad was mortified.
They had our keys so they could of gone to the house to get more clothes for her but mum couldn't be bothered as it was all too much for her having to take and collect DD from school. They live a 5 minute walk from the school.

Since then I don't have much to do with my mum but I've tried hard to make my dc have a relationship with my parents. It's difficult as my mum is even more lazy than ever and my dc is expected to just watch tv soaps and daytime tv round their house.

My dc goes round one evening after school has a meal with them then goes to a sports activity. They pick her up, get her changed into her school uniform then she comes home.

She also spends 2 hours with them on a Saturday. That seems enough as she gets bored at their house.

My parents were out to dinner last night. They dropped DD off to her club and my DH collected her. Her club uniform was filthy and looked like mud down her top. She told me it wasn't mud it was gravy. She had apparently spilt her clubs Xmas dinner down her shirt. She's said she reminds her nan to wash it every week but never does.

I'm absolutely fuming, they failed me and my sister as a child and now they are failing my DC. Do you think I should go NC after having it out with my parents?

How sad. I think sometimes people are more disappointed or perhaps get a clearer view when they see their own parents looking after the grandkids, than they were on their own behalf. Kids actually put up with a lot from trusted adults. I'm not surprised your DD didn't think to mention the club uniform to you.

I feel sad for your dad, your mum sounds very difficult. You have done really well to maintain the communication that you have. Personally, I would not go NC because that's so hard on everyone.

But I would talk to your dad about how you feel and perhaps have some counselling about your own childhood in which you sounds quite neglected.

starheartdiamond it's an interesting question isn't it.

I personally would rather think my parent was mentally ill than just an unpleasant person or that I had done something to make them behave that way.

I know its difficult but you have to accept that your mum is a dirty, lazy slob and stop expecting her to change.

Stop expecting her to be an adequate parent or grandparent.

Stop working to build a relationship with yourchildren that is based on her doing anything for them - just invite them round for dinner twice a year if you're so minded.

Allow yourself to get angry with them for their neglect of you as a child and for their neglect of your kids. Get some counselling.

I"m so sorry for you. I was always too ashamed to bring friends home from school. I absolutely hate going round to my parents' house now. It's stacked high with junk, filthy, the fridge is full of rotting food, there are mice in the cellar, etc.
I think you are right to minimise contact and tell them that your child needs to be cared for by them on your terms or not at all.
I have always wondered if this is some kind of mental illness as it is so far from the norm.
As an example, my mum went absolutely ballistic about a friend cleaning her fridge once (he 'only' threw out everything mouldy and gave it a good wipe). She ranted for months and even now, at least 15 years later still mentions it!

I grew up in a none too clean/tidy home too....and I bloody hated it!
I did what I could to keep myself and room decent though. The result is, my home is and always has been clean, tidy and comfortable. My parents died young, so I didn't really have the issues you have, but if I had......no bloody way, would my DC have gone there, ever!

If they couldn't do the bare minimum for you why on earth are they ok to leave your dd in their care? Surely they can keep things to visits over not pick ups or staying over. You can't have it both ways. As for them entertaining your dd what do you expect them to do with her?

For those who don't understand why a child who had been neglected would trust their parents to look after their grandchildren, I agree hedgebitch's post explains it.

From my own perspective, I know there was an element of hoping it was my fault I was neglected, that I had provoked it in some way, so that the neglect was personal to me only and it wasn't the fault of my beloved parents. Surely my own wonderful and loveable child wouldn't be neglected by them, unlike me who caused the neglect by being an unlovable child?

Turns out that my mum is a dick. She's never having unsupervised contact with my children. It hurts that she neglected me, but I'll be damned if she's doing it to my beautiful, wonderful child.

I'd say the solution would be not to ask your mum to do any childcare. She is obviously not an earth mother.

Continue letting the kids visit, but not when they have to go somewhere afterwards as your mum seems to have very low standards when it come to hygiene and cleanliness.

You had a crap childhood, you know they're still dirty etc yet you left your child there for 4 days and you still abed her round one day after school and for a few hours of weekend?
Assume the club uniform doesn't come home? Why?

Sorry OP but this is on you.

Talk to them, continue to allow access but supervised and take responsibility

Since they live like that I wonder why you let your DM look after your DD at all? To me that's totally baffling. If she couldn't look after you when you were a child why would you think she's suddenly able to do so now? Especially as you knew she is as lazy now as she was then.

TBH, she does sound like she has MH issues. Just because she hasn't been diagnosed it doesn't mean that she doesn't have any. Her behaviour certainly isn't normal.

I'm surprised social services weren't involved when you were grown up? The school were remiss if they didn't express any concerns. What you've described is serious neglect and you've done very well to be a much better mum yourself. But I definitely think you need to be present any time your DC are with your DM.

Your mother, quite frankly, sounds mentally ill and the not washing/wearing dirty clothes thing is, of course, foul.

However, there is a middle ground between your daughter spending time alone with them twice a week (and leaving them responsible for washing her club kit) and 'going NC'. It's perfectly possible for your kids to have a perfectly good relationship with their grandparents without twice-weekly visits that involve childcare and the responsibility of washing their sports gear.

My nephew sometimes goes to football straight from my mum and dad's house, but that doesn't involve them also being responsible for washing his football kit - why on earth would it? He hands his kit over to his parents to wash, like any other kid would. And given that you know full well that your parents don't wash clothes, why would you assume they would do this task? Your child doesn't live with them and you are fully aware, after her brief stay with them before, that they can't/won't provide the sort of care that includes domestic duties.

You obviously have major issues with your parents going back to your own childhood (which is entirely understandable; your parents absolutely did fail you). If you want to cut them off over that, by all means do so, but accept that it is your childhood that was affected by them, not your daughter's.

What a sad story you have OP. Your mother's thinking is certainly not normal -- and I'm sure she knows your opinions regarding her lack of hygiene so I wonder whether her lack of care when your DC stayed with her had an element of passive aggression ? Usually one takes even greater care, if possible, of others' children. Quite clearly she never experienced that quiet satisfaction of seeing one's DC set off for the day clean and shining.
Looks like you'll need to supply a clean cub uniform each week if you wish the routine to continue. You can leave nothing to chance and nor can your DC stay over.
Good luck

I don't think you need to go non contact but I would reduce any "care" your parents provide - visiting is fine but no expectations of washing clothes or making meals (imagine what their food hygiene is like!).

My nephew sometimes goes to football straight from my mum and dad's house, but that doesn't involve them also being responsible for washing his football kit - why on earth would it? He hands his kit over to his parents to wash, like any other kid would. And given that you know full well that your parents don't wash clothes, why would you assume they would do this task?

Yes...it may not be within their realm of responsibility..but then why on earth wouldn't the ops parents hand the uniform over to her and say "she spilt some food down it so can you take it home to wash it?"

Personally, I'd find that lack of awareness more worrying than pure laziness.

Thank you all for all your comments good and bad. I'm going to have a long hard think about things this weekend and decide what is the best thing to do. I will also speak to my DD and find out what she wants to do as a way forward.

She knows there is tension there between me and mum so that's perhaps why she didn't mention the shirt.

I suppose I am a bit defensive about my dad as he worked bloody hard when we were kids. He was out to work all day and worked long hours then used to have to come home and make our meals and packed lunches and do the shopping and try and keep on top of the housework. He didn't succeed with the housework but he tried his best whilst mum sat on her ass all day.

Her mum (my nan) was the complete opposite and was very house proud.

My dad still works now but less hours and the poster who asked if he could do more? in my opinion no. He does everything absolutely everything. Since dropping his hours the house is a lot better now.
My dad is quite a bit older than my mum and he's had some recent health scares and really needs to be taking things easier not taking on more responsibilities. He's infuriated by it but excepts my mum is the way she is.

How he has put up with it for all these years is beyond me.

While we wait for OP ...
plantsitter and star - the question of when an unpleasant character trait can be deemed to be a mental illness is much debated. It's a tough one.

Maybe when it becomes 'large' enough that it's very obvious, un-hidable and impacts the persons own and other peoples live negatively?

Without wishing to offend anyone, personally I see it as everyone is on a sliding scale of nuttiness, with 'Well Balanced' at one end and 'Severely Mentally Ill' at the other. VERY few of us or none at all haven't slid a bit by the time we're adults and gone through some shit.

But who's to even say what's well balanced though? And how far down the line does 'ill' kick in.

Ramble over.

x post!

You know what she is like and you left your child with her for 5 days , I just don't understand this , surely you would only subject your child to their care , for any length of time , in a dire emergency e.g. You get rushed to hospital . Why should your child have to have a relationship with them when you don't want to have one yourself - that's madness.

Don't worry too much about blame right now OP. Concerning your father ect. The immediate situation is what it is and for now you need to see it clearly and do the best thing by your DD.

It's a good thing that you've begun this thread. I hope you take the best from it

That's disgusting. Her uniform hadn't been washed since Christmas?

I would be taking a huge step back and not allowing so much contact.

2 hours every Saturday and 90 mins every Wed isn't a huge amount of time, but still more than many children see their grandparents. I'd cut back to occasional short visits, not involving a meal or laundry. No contact seems a step too far

If someone had my kid twice a week and were in charge of organising them for a club it'd need to be someone I was 100% confident with. I cannot understand why you'd do this? How old is your dd?

Op can you confirm if you use this as childcare?

Fair enough, Cabbages. I'm guilty of seeing my own problems in yours - my Mum was neglectful and it's affected my self-esteem badly. However many times she demonstrates her lack of care I still keep wanting her to be the mum I hoped for. My Dad seemed a hero in comparison but in retrospect perhaps he could have done more. My issues, not yours.

Is your dh supportive? Would it help to talk to him about how frustrated you are with your Mum. Could you meet up with your Dad separately so you keep that relationship healthy?

No I don't use it as childcare. It was suggested by my parents so they could spend more time with her. She was happy with this and so were they so it was more of a mutual agreement rather than childcare IYSWIM