AIBU to be disgusted with my parents

[CabbagesAREFluffy]

There is a back story to this.

When I was growing up we lived in a absolute shit pit. The house was not just a mess but filthy. The carpets were crawling with silverfish.
My dad worked hard in a professional role but my mum was a SAHP and never worked she was lazy, housework cleaning and cooking was beneath her. She wasn't ill or anything, no MH issues just down right lazy.

Our house stank, our clothes stank as they rarely got washed. I used to get bullied at school for smelling terrible.

There home is not as bad now, it still smells and they smell but it's not as filthy. My mum still doesn't do anything around the house but dad tries his best but he works full time and finds it a struggle to do all the chores and the cooking.

Last year a member of DHs family died and me and him went abroad for 5 days. Our DC stayed with my parents.

It wasn't until I went to do DDs washing that I realized none of her clothes or extra uniform had been used. I took her to school on Monday morning as we had a afternoon flight and she was collected. My mum had put her bag somewhere "safe" but couldn't locate it. So she had no change of clothes no underwear no pjs or even a hairbrush.

My mum miraculously found the bag the day we returned.

When this came to light I had it out with both of them. Mum couldn't see what the issue was. Dad was mortified.
They had our keys so they could of gone to the house to get more clothes for her but mum couldn't be bothered as it was all too much for her having to take and collect DD from school. They live a 5 minute walk from the school.

Since then I don't have much to do with my mum but I've tried hard to make my dc have a relationship with my parents. It's difficult as my mum is even more lazy than ever and my dc is expected to just watch tv soaps and daytime tv round their house.

My dc goes round one evening after school has a meal with them then goes to a sports activity. They pick her up, get her changed into her school uniform then she comes home.

She also spends 2 hours with them on a Saturday. That seems enough as she gets bored at their house.

My parents were out to dinner last night. They dropped DD off to her club and my DH collected her. Her club uniform was filthy and looked like mud down her top. She told me it wasn't mud it was gravy. She had apparently spilt her clubs Xmas dinner down her shirt. She's said she reminds her nan to wash it every week but never does.

I'm absolutely fuming, they failed me and my sister as a child and now they are failing my DC. Do you think I should go NC after having it out with my parents?

*the apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it?
your lazy mother cba to wash a top for EIGHT MONTHS
and you cba to check or take your own child/ren to or from their club under the guise of them "having a relationship" *

Not remotely comparable!! Feck, some people!

Yeah, I'm shocked that you're shocked tbh, she was a minging mother, and now she's a minging GM.

I wouldn't go NC, but I'd never leave my dc with them again, your poor Dad.

I think PP are being a bit harsh. Remember OP was a neglected child which is a form of child abuse. Abused children often still love their parents/caters who abused them, and still hope things can get better.

But now you know they won't, they've treated their grandchild the same way they treated you. You certainly shouldn't allow any more unsupervised contact. Whether you go NC or not is down to whether you want to keep in contact with them, you're perfectly justified in choosing not to though

Oh right yes because I was the only one who brought up the Christmas dinner wasn't I.

My mum sidestepped being too good for cleaning and housework by getting my sister and I to do it, from a young age.

Ah, re-read the bit about the club.

That is rank, but knowing the way DGPs are, I think DD should tell you or her dad if her shirt is dirty.

So DGPs care about DD?

Honestly what were you thinking they are/have/will always be this way.

So now you've had your "confirmation" it's them and not you what now

Frankly your child is most precious I'm surprised you let them within 10feet

As for your Dad whatever's going on between him and your mum he's a grown up he can tidy up if he wants it's not all on her you're missing something here

I don't see why your dd has to change at their house after her club and leave her uniform there. Why can't she bring it home to be washed and taken to school with her on the day?

Also I think your mum sounds very lacking but not sure why she would be in charge of washing the kit. Why didn't the kit come home with you for you to wash and send dd out with it clean the next week? If my dcs were being picked up and given dinner o wouldn't expect kit to be cleaned and dried on the same day.

There's a big difference between getting your parents to do childcare and going nc. I wouldn't give them any responsibilities for your dc as you know they won't meet expectations, but they can still have a role in their grandchildrens lives.

Yab vvvvvv u to trust someone you know is neglectful to look after your child.

You say they failed you. They did. They ate not failing her now, you are.

OP - why did you let your Mum have so much time resonsible for your DC when you know she didn't parent you very well, or is it that you are only just admitting to yourself just how incapable of parenting she was, and so didn't 'get' she's not someone suitable to ever leave in charge of your DCs?

You were neglected as a child. It wasn't just 'not clean' but 'neglect'. You need to accept this.

Your Mum is someone who can have the DCs to visit, but not ever be expected to do any care, there must be another adult responsible for them at all times, and your Dad, (as much as you love him) has shown he won't take over the care of children, but leave them neglected with her.

From now on, no unsupervised access, no expecting them to do childcare. They can't do it well enough. You take the children to visit, you invite your parents to you, but you don't try to make your mother do childcare that she's incapable of doing.

The only people to suffer are your DCs. Stop.

I think there's a process we go through when our parents have let us down as kids. Even though we realise what happened in the past, and feel angry about it, we still automatically hope for better in the present. We keep hoping they'll step up and get it right. It takes time to reach the full understanding that we need to stop hoping.

OP, you need to stop hoping. Your DC can still have a relationship with your parents, but it can't be one where you leave caring responsibilities like washing uniform etc. up to your mum. She is never going to do it. She doesn't give a shit. Don't let her put your DC through the same embarrassment you suffered. She's not going to step up, it needs to be you.

Good post, hedgebitch. OP I hope you're ok.

At the end of the day ,they may love your daughter in their own way, but no way are they providing child care .
I would be very careful CabbagesAREFluffy, this will reflect on you if child services are brought in , and even though its your mum sending her out in dirty clothes, you will be blamed for entrusting your child to someone incapable of providing proper care .
popping round for a visit and a cuddle is one thing , but expecting your mum to do anything for the bairn sounds out of the question , so please please make other arrangements for the times she is providing so called care .

I don't think you should go NC...seems a little extreme. I would however, put a stop to using them for childcare. Just visit them with your DD or have them come to visit at your house or meet at a park/cafe.

I am surprised that people are suggesting going NC, to be honest. People are different. You are clean and house proud, your mum is not. That's just the way she is and I think you have to accept it or not leave your DD there anymore.

She's not going to change, so what's the point of making an issue of it? Just work around it as far as your DD is concerned.

How old is your dd, op? (Apologies if I've missed it). You really need to speak to your dd, I'd find it strange that she asked her Grandmother for months to wash her clothes with no result yet she hasn't mentioned it to you. Is she aware of some tension between you and your parents which makes her reluctant to speak up?

I pretty much agree with the others that she isn't going to change so you need to pick up your responsibility.

I talk as someone who was left with a grandparent who abused her child (my father). Despite knowing she was abusive, I was left alone with her - alone, because my father didn't want to put himself in harm's way.

Guess what happened next.

My children no longer see my dad because he abused me, and I can't risk him abusing them too.

They see my mother and stepfather only when I am there, because I don't trust them to understand how to take care of them (because of past experiences).

It's difficult, can be emotionally wrought and time-consuming, but you have to do what you have to do to keep your children safe, clean and happy.

However, please don't feel guilty that you wanted your parents to be able to do this for their children and grandchildren. That's a normal thing to want. It's just that they've now proven themselves that they can't, so you have to take action.

I feel so sad for you taht you're still clearly optimistic enough to try and see the good in your mum and to think she could or would ever change your parents let you down as a child and given the chance, they are letting yourDC down too. Stop offering them that chance... both of them as clearly your dad is no better. He has eyes like the rest of us and chose not to fix what was in front of him, in the face of his own children being neglected. I wouldn't say to go NC but stop letting them have sole care of your DC, as their care is woefully inadequate.

No need to go NC, just look after your kids yourself and stop allowing them to stay there. Why would you want your kids to go through what you went through as a child?

My parents were emotionally absent and were the same with my children. We only had short, sharp visits and I never left them to look after the children. My children are my responsibility and I wouldn't have wanted them to suffer what I did as a child.

We do not let DD stay overnight. When she stayed it was a one off as MIL and SIL went to the funeral with us.

She spends 2 hours with them Saturday and a hour and a half in total with them on a Wednesday. IMO I don't think that's a lot of childcare. I work from home so am available to do club pick up / drop off.

I never see the club shirt as she goes back to their house to change before coming back home and they insist she leaves it there.

So yes I have failed her there.

My parents do enjoy spending time with her but as they don't go out or do anything a midweek visit at the time seemed a good compromise that it was only a short visit.

It's not hard to understand what the OP is saying. The club uniform is left at her DPs for her DD to put on, then she goes to her club, the GP's collect her and pop her uniform back on so she goes home in it. The only thing her GP's are expected to keep reasonably clean is the club uniform which most GP's would happily do for their GC. It hasn't been washed in 8 months and has gravy on it. Her DD has asked her GP's to wash it but they haven't.

OP. Either you go NC or you assume no expectation of having the uniform cleaned and get your DD to bring it home every week. If your DD likes seeing her GP's then I would facilitate it but make sure the uniform is brought home weekly.

What hedgebitch said. Some people on here are being very harsh. My dad's an alcoholic (and my mum an enabler!) and they've always been that way. For years in my 20s, I hoped they would change. Every time I went to visit them, I'd somehow believe that they'd suddenly have ditched the booze and would be the loving, together, fun parents I'd always longed for. Or the doting, reliable grandparents. They never were. That's not who they are or will ever be. I had to let go of my hopes and expectations and accept them for what and who they are.

I totally get why you want to go NC. It's the crushing disappointment that they haven't changed when you so desperately hoped they might. But as previous posters have said - there's a mile between going NC and no longer relying on them for free childcare.

I'd wonder why DD hadn't told you about the shirt too? I know my dc would've moaned to me about that.

How old is dd op?