AIBU to be disgusted with my parents

[CabbagesAREFluffy]

There is a back story to this.

When I was growing up we lived in a absolute shit pit. The house was not just a mess but filthy. The carpets were crawling with silverfish.
My dad worked hard in a professional role but my mum was a SAHP and never worked she was lazy, housework cleaning and cooking was beneath her. She wasn't ill or anything, no MH issues just down right lazy.

Our house stank, our clothes stank as they rarely got washed. I used to get bullied at school for smelling terrible.

There home is not as bad now, it still smells and they smell but it's not as filthy. My mum still doesn't do anything around the house but dad tries his best but he works full time and finds it a struggle to do all the chores and the cooking.

Last year a member of DHs family died and me and him went abroad for 5 days. Our DC stayed with my parents.

It wasn't until I went to do DDs washing that I realized none of her clothes or extra uniform had been used. I took her to school on Monday morning as we had a afternoon flight and she was collected. My mum had put her bag somewhere "safe" but couldn't locate it. So she had no change of clothes no underwear no pjs or even a hairbrush.

My mum miraculously found the bag the day we returned.

When this came to light I had it out with both of them. Mum couldn't see what the issue was. Dad was mortified.
They had our keys so they could of gone to the house to get more clothes for her but mum couldn't be bothered as it was all too much for her having to take and collect DD from school. They live a 5 minute walk from the school.

Since then I don't have much to do with my mum but I've tried hard to make my dc have a relationship with my parents. It's difficult as my mum is even more lazy than ever and my dc is expected to just watch tv soaps and daytime tv round their house.

My dc goes round one evening after school has a meal with them then goes to a sports activity. They pick her up, get her changed into her school uniform then she comes home.

She also spends 2 hours with them on a Saturday. That seems enough as she gets bored at their house.

My parents were out to dinner last night. They dropped DD off to her club and my DH collected her. Her club uniform was filthy and looked like mud down her top. She told me it wasn't mud it was gravy. She had apparently spilt her clubs Xmas dinner down her shirt. She's said she reminds her nan to wash it every week but never does.

I'm absolutely fuming, they failed me and my sister as a child and now they are failing my DC. Do you think I should go NC after having it out with my parents?

I'm sorry you had a bad homelife as a child.
I wouldn't go nc but I certainly wouldn't be putting my child in the same position for a few hours a week and certainly not for overnight care.
Why would you assume she would wash it when she didn't for you?
Lesson learned.

Wondering why you don't think your Dad is not to blame? If he was a single parent he'd have to find time to cook and clean. Similarly he coyld have told you about the uniform needing washing or the clothes being lost when you were away. Standing by and letting bad things happen is still neglect. I understand it's hard when your parents let you down, and as children (even adult children) we never stop hoping they'll change, but I think youneed to accept this isn't going to happen. In your case I wouldn't go no contact but would, sadly, cut back on contact.

You just have to insist the club shirt comes back to you every week to wash, otherwise she doesn't go to theirs on that day.

But OP - they shouldn't be doing any childcare. Or at least your Mum shouldn't, you know she's not capable of properly looking after children. It's hard to admit that bit. And your Dad will just let your Mum do things her way, rather than take over himself.

You need to come to the point of accepting your Mum can't even do a bit of emergancy care, your Dad might be able to do so, but no, your Mum can't, and your Dad will not take over if your Mum is there, so effectively he can only do childcare if your Mum isn't around.

(Remember your Dad must have known how bad your childhood was as well, but rather than leave your Mum/throw her out or have regular arguments, he accepted a very low standard of living for his DCs, you can't absolve him of blame in this and expect him to do care either).

Well surely dd is old enough to tell you the shirt is dirty??

I think you're letting your dad off very lightly here.

I also think that's it's highly likely your mother does have MH issues, but that's not really relevant to the thread.

I would stop dd going to their house on Wednesdays. You say it's not "too much" childcare so do you use it for childcare? If so, I'd make other arrangements.

And I would take her around for an hour on a Saturday.

As above I'm afraid OP. Some childcare is still sole care, and it's just not good enough for your DC.

You say that your mother does not have mental health problems. But how would you know? Are you her psychiatrist?Maybe she hasn't been diagnosed but c'mon this is not normal, it's far beyond "lazy". I doubt very much that she's going to change but you can reduce your expectations.

Am I the only one who doesn't have a clue what NC means?

It means no contact. This means cutting off family completely. I need real life you would just say "I don't really see my mum".

I'm sorry that you suffered neglect during your childhood.

Please do not subject your child to the same neglect by leaving her alone with your parents under the guise of 'childcare'. They have already amply demonstrated that they are not capable of being responsible for a child, so why on earth would you be leaving her with them?

It is hard when other people can happily use grandparents for a few hours childcare, or if you need to go away say "can your Mum have them?" like it was perfectly normal. And in this society, it is perfectly normal for grandparents to have DGC overnight now and then or a few hours after school one night a week. It's normal part of many families.

It's hard if you don't have parents who can do that, be it due to distance, their lack of interest, ill health, or even grandparents having already died. However, you also don't have parents who can do that due to being neglectful. (And your Dad didn't do anything to change your situation, he also neglected you, by allowing your Mum to do so without making any effort to change. Yes, as a SAHM it should have been her job, but your Dad accepted the living standard for you.)

You don't have parents who are able to help you. The bigger problem you have is it's not obvious that you don't have parents who can help you.

Time to face who they are. Who they both are.

I wouldn't go NC, esp with your dad that seems to try his best but is struggling to handle it all.

Tbf, a lot of people are single, with dcs and work full time. They still manage to have a house that is clean, clothes that are washed and wouldn't dream of never washing a top since Christmas.
So in some ways, I think your dad should be able to handle that.
I do get that it's nit normally expected from him and that really your mum should be doing much much more!

Re your dd, I would like to remind you that not everyone sees their grand parents every week. My dcs certainly don't and they still have a lovely relationship with both sets of grand parents.
We normally see my parents or IL with the dcs. The dcs will be with them wo us maybe a couple of times in the year (usually around school hols for 2 or 3 days).

So there is no need for your dd to see them that regularly so they can build a relationship with them iyswim.

If you do decide to still keep the weekly meet ups, I would make it sure that you are not relying on them at all re cleanliness. So any uniform goes back to your house.

Finally, re your dd staying with them for a couple of days for a funeral. Please don't think you have failed your dd. Your parents did. And these were very special circumstances.
I would look into finding someone else if the need happens again. But I think you will do that anyway.

YABU I'm using your parents as childcare when quite clearly they are unsuitable. Does having a bit of time to yourself REALLY matter more to you than your DD' s well-being? If you're dead set on them having a relationship you need to supervise contact and not just dump and run.

One comment re letting your dad off the hook lightly.

Nowdays, yes it would be expected for a dad to step up and do some HW etc... But not when you were growing up. And even still now, a hell of a lot of fathers do not lift a finger in the house.

So whilst I do get that he accepted the living conditions that you were all in. That he also turned a blind eye/did not get involved regarding your dd, I do think that a lot of his behaviour is generation related iyswim.

Is it possible that having a good chat with him could change some of the stuff, eg him taking much more responsibility for HW and cleanliness when your dd and himself is concerned?

You need to protect your dd from this OP. Stop leaving her with them.

You don't have to go NC, just visit with your dd.

I just had to google silverfish. OP YANBU what a shame for you as a youngun.

In fairness MyRedPepper we don't know how old the OP is, or, by extrapolation/assumption, how old her parents are either, so I'm not sure you can make the call that 'it wasn't like it back then'
Either way, in my opinion, it's really shit that he knew his children were being neglected and he did nothing. Sorry to be harsh OP.

Not suggesting that any of this is in any way ok, but are ou SURE your mother doesn't have MH issues?? I'm no pristine housekeeper, and am pretty lazy by most housekeeping standards, but I do laundry and I draw the line at pests in the house (apart from fecking cockroaches, which are endemic in Australia and extremely difficult to get rid of completely, although god knows I try!). I could NOT live like your mother and it sounds like it's well beyond "normal" levels of slovenliness. So I say again, are you SURE there are no MH issues there? She may not be diagnosed, but still. Something wrong, I'd say. And I wouldn't go full NC but I'd certainly keep it to a minimum.

I completely sympathise with you OP. My MIL sounds very similar to your DM.

DH grew up in a filthy house with a mother who did nothing, father who worked full time etc. FIL died 6 years ago and MIL sits in a house which is dirty, smelly and her 3 grown up children have as little to do with her as possible now. She was very neglectful to them when growing up (DH had lost a few of his front teeth by the time he was a teen as his parents never even had toothpaste or toothbrush in the house).

The last straw came for me when she burned my dd's clothes with a cigarette while babysitting her and now she only sees my dc's when DH is present. I recommend supervised visits only OP.

Why are you using your parents as childcare? You know they didn't look after you properly and don't look after your dd properly so you are knowingly subjecting them to neglect! If you want them to maintain a relationship with your dc you can visit/have them visit or meet them somewhere while you are there to make sure the kids are being looked after.

Agree that this is way beyond normal slovenliness. The bag thing is really weird.

You don't need to go NC with them - just make sure they have no childcare/washing responsibilities. I'm afraid I can't understand why you allowed them to manage the club/kit, when you know what they're like. But maybe things are more complex than you can write in a MN thread.

You can maintain a relationship between your dc and your DD - just make sure she brings her uniform home. TBH, I wouldn't expect my mum to wash club kits etc (although mine would - she certainly wouldn't let a child go to a club for 8 months in a filthy uniform). She can still go over for a couple of hours at the weekend.

Agree wth pps no need to go NC but stop allowing them to have any responsibility for any kind of washing/cleanliness as it clearly isn't going to happen. If your DD is getting bored because they don't do anything with her I'd consider whether you want the current arrangement, sitting in a stinky house watching grandma's soaps is not a relationship. Sounds like they need to make more of an effort, you need to instigate that, stop allowing the status quo to continue if it isn't working for your daughter.

Genuine Question- is there ever any kind of negative behaviour that is not related to mental illness? Can people be lazy without suffering from depression or MH issues? can someone be abusive, spiteful etc without it being due to a MH condition? Does it absolve them of their behaviour? I often think this when someone presents s post on which someone has behaved unreasonably. It's never long before someone suggests a MH issue which then in turn makes the poster seem selfish or uncaring for complaining about the person.

With regards to the dirty uniform, surely if it was pure laziness, the grandmother could have given it to mum and asked her to wash it if she just couldn't be bothered?