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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disgusted with my parents

145 replies

CabbagesAREFluffy · 24/08/2017 09:31

There is a back story to this.

When I was growing up we lived in a absolute shit pit. The house was not just a mess but filthy. The carpets were crawling with silverfish.
My dad worked hard in a professional role but my mum was a SAHP and never worked she was lazy, housework cleaning and cooking was beneath her. She wasn't ill or anything, no MH issues just down right lazy.

Our house stank, our clothes stank as they rarely got washed. I used to get bullied at school for smelling terrible.

There home is not as bad now, it still smells and they smell but it's not as filthy. My mum still doesn't do anything around the house but dad tries his best but he works full time and finds it a struggle to do all the chores and the cooking.

Last year a member of DHs family died and me and him went abroad for 5 days. Our DC stayed with my parents.

It wasn't until I went to do DDs washing that I realized none of her clothes or extra uniform had been used. I took her to school on Monday morning as we had a afternoon flight and she was collected. My mum had put her bag somewhere "safe" but couldn't locate it. So she had no change of clothes no underwear no pjs or even a hairbrush.

My mum miraculously found the bag the day we returned.

When this came to light I had it out with both of them. Mum couldn't see what the issue was. Dad was mortified.
They had our keys so they could of gone to the house to get more clothes for her but mum couldn't be bothered as it was all too much for her having to take and collect DD from school. They live a 5 minute walk from the school.

Since then I don't have much to do with my mum but I've tried hard to make my dc have a relationship with my parents. It's difficult as my mum is even more lazy than ever and my dc is expected to just watch tv soaps and daytime tv round their house.

My dc goes round one evening after school has a meal with them then goes to a sports activity. They pick her up, get her changed into her school uniform then she comes home.

She also spends 2 hours with them on a Saturday. That seems enough as she gets bored at their house.

My parents were out to dinner last night. They dropped DD off to her club and my DH collected her. Her club uniform was filthy and looked like mud down her top. She told me it wasn't mud it was gravy. She had apparently spilt her clubs Xmas dinner down her shirt. She's said she reminds her nan to wash it every week but never does.

I'm absolutely fuming, they failed me and my sister as a child and now they are failing my DC. Do you think I should go NC after having it out with my parents?

OP posts:
plantsitter · 24/08/2017 09:45

It is upsetting. No point having it out with them though, they're not going to change at this point. All you can do is stop putting her in situations where they're responsible for her and just let her have social contact.

I think your mum probably is mentally unwell in some way. I understand your anger having had a mentally ill parent myself but you can't make them the parents you wanted now any more than you could then. Sad

Qvar · 24/08/2017 09:45

I don't understand why you thought they would treat your children differently to how they treated you. If you get bitten by a dog, do you send your child to stroke it?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 24/08/2017 09:45

You think your mother is disgusting yet you allow them to look after your child/ren and expect them to do their washing? In extremis when your dh's relative died is different but you and your dds' dad should be responsible for washing etc the rest of the time.

I wouldn't cut contact but I would stop expecting them to take over any of your (pl.) parental responsibilities.

PaganGoddessBrigid · 24/08/2017 09:46

Why dont you wash yr dd's uniform??

LoyaltyAndLobster · 24/08/2017 09:47

Yes I would be going with NC - you've said that the house smells and they smell, you shouldn't have been letting her go there in the first place.

mogulfield · 24/08/2017 09:47

So you left clean clothes at your parents and they didn't use them, so she was in the same underwear for 5 days? Confused

Gottagetmoving · 24/08/2017 09:48

But you know what your mum is like? Why would she be any different now

Just what I was thinking. Don't leave your children with her.
I am puzzled why you would expect any different.

TeachesOfPeaches · 24/08/2017 09:48

Why do you expect your mother to be any different? You know what she is like so it's time to find alternative childcare.

Booboobooboo84 · 24/08/2017 09:48

I would say nc because is a form of neglect. If you were sending them to school every day in that state ss would be called

BrutusMcDogface · 24/08/2017 09:49

Why are you still sending her there? Just why?

Xchangedtohideid · 24/08/2017 09:49

Xmas dinner? And it's now August?!?!

Your dad sounds like he's doing his best but your mum.....bloody hell.

I'd be worried about food hygiene/safety tbh if she's eating in there.

You have four choices I think;

  • nc
  • stay as it is
  • stay as it is but you provide clean club clothes/uniform each week
  • invite your dad over to you and bollocks to your neglectful mother.

My parents were similar so I totally understand. Our house was a shit hole and I was embarrassed to have anyone over as a kid because it stank and so did we. My mum left when I was 7 and my dad just expected me and my siblings (all much older than me) to look after ourselves and the house as he was at work. Needless to say, I used to be called names etc as I smelt (not my fault!) and I've always been sensitive about that since. My parents houses are still dirty shitholes but they don't bother with me or their gcs so it doesn't affect me anymore in that way. My dads gf is 30 yrs younger than him but doesn't lift a finger in the house. He does all cooking so expects her to do cleaning. Last time I went the floor was a cm deep in crumbs, dust and dirt and I thought Nope, not putting my young children (2 & 4 months) in that environment!

Just saying this op so you know it's not just you who had a shitty upbringing - we had shitloads of silverfish too. I remember mentioning them to friends at school and being shocked that they had none!

Your mum sounds like a right lazy bitch and I'm sorry because I know how much it will anger and hurt you at the same time x x

Graceflorrick · 24/08/2017 09:49

You've let you DC down by planning for her to stay at their house/ support with childcare. I think you're angry with yourself.

troodiedoo · 24/08/2017 09:49

I would have gone nc a long time ago. You knew what they are like and you left dc with them. She is clearly not going to change.

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 24/08/2017 09:50

Why would you assume that she'd do anything differently now? If your clothes were dirty as a child then why on earth are you leaving her to look after your children's clothes.
I suspect you're a little upset with yourself for allowing it but no contact, really? They sound exactly the same as they've always been and you just have to work around it.
And next time you go away with DH perhaps take your daughter with you.

BrutusMcDogface · 24/08/2017 09:50

Same underwear and not having brushed her teeth, I should think.

That is a child protection issue, and if I was the leader of her club I would have contacted you re: the gravy. So they have also failed in their duty of care imo.

MoosicalDaisy · 24/08/2017 09:51

Go NC with your mother, it doesn't sound fair to go NC with father.

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 24/08/2017 09:51

Your dad is complicit in this too and so can't be absolved of all responsibility just because he works hard. Would your DH stand idly by?

StatueInTheSky · 24/08/2017 09:51

the apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it?
your lazy mother cba to wash a top for EIGHT MONTHS
and you cba to check or take your own child/ren to or from their club under the guise of them "having a relationship"

Surely growing up with this situation means you would not want your child/ren to go through anything even remotely similar??

For goodness sake be a bit more proactive in stopping this!

PandorasXbox · 24/08/2017 09:52

Hang on, why was the club having Christmas dinner in August OP?

MadMags · 24/08/2017 09:52

I don't know why you're fuming, when you've put her in that situation.

You had no reason to think she would miraculously clean your dd's stuff when she never, ever has before.

Do you only have one dd? I would never let her stay overnight with them again, or ever leave them responsible for her care or hygiene.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/08/2017 09:55

Urgh. It's all disgusting.

What baffles me though is you know what your parents are like and how filthy their house is, why on earth do you let/make your children go there? I'd have refused from the off. Occasional meet ups at parks or large coffee shops. There no way I'd have left them there for a week. Poor kids.

Pagan because it's an after school club, she gets changed into it and out of it at her Grans. Most Grans would wash it though. Not leave the poor bairn going in each week with gravy down the front. Grim. Very grim.

missmollyhadadolly · 24/08/2017 09:55

I don't understand. Your DD split dinner on her shirt at her club but you expect your mum to wash it?

I think you are trying to get your parents to be better grandparents than they were parents, but it's not working.

There is no need to go NC based on this, if they treat DD well otherwise.

They could see DD but I wouldn't have any expectation for of them feeding and clothing her.

Although if DD is bored at there's then tell them that and say it may be better for her to stay with you if they're not bothered about actively spending time with her (as opposed to plonking her in front of the TV)

plantsitter · 24/08/2017 09:55

Omg statue I've read some simplistic offensive shite on here but 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree' takes the fucking biscuit.

Try a bit of empathy.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/08/2017 09:56

PandorasBox. For goodness sake...it hasn't been washed since Christmas. Read the thread.

Nanny0gg · 24/08/2017 09:56

Sorry, but why go NC when it's been your decision to allow them to look after your DC? What on earth possessed you to do that knowing what they're like? I understand the necessity when your relative died, but that was a one-off emergency.

I also don't understand why your DD's uniform didn't come home with her for you to wash.

I think the Saturday visit is fine, but anything else should stop unless you're around to take responsibility. Or they visit you.