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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that you don't start eating before everyone's been served?

125 replies

lucydogz · 23/08/2017 13:39

We had a large family party, and lunch was baked potatoes, salad and cold meat etc. I think that you just don't start digging in before everyone's served (especially as the food is cold alread). By the time I'd sat down, a couple of people had all but finished. AIBU to think that adults should be able to wait a bit before tucking in?

OP posts:

LeakyLittleBoat · 23/08/2017 19:16

Oh the total cheek-burning humiliation I felt the first time I realised it is polite to wait for the host to be seated and served before guests start to eat. Still makes me cringe all these decades and decades on. I was 12 and in my home and the homes of extended family and friends of my parents the norm was to dig in as soon as your plate was in front of you. Not so in the home of a new friend in high school. I was invited to dinner (which was known as tea in my house) after school one day. There were eight of sitting down including her visiting grandparents, up to that point I'd remembered ALL my manners saying yes please and thank you, politely speaking when spoken to by the adults, no elbows on the table and wouldn't have needed reminding to not talk with a full mouth etc because my mum was red hot on those things. Only I didn't know about the waiting for the host thing because we didn't do that in my house/circle.

I was made aware of my faux pas instantly when my friend's younger brother piped up 'you're supposed to wait for my mum to serve herself isn't she mum?' and the lovely mum was very gracious and quickly said "no, no everybody dig in - don't let it get cold."

YANBU OP unless you took an unconscionable time to serve people or unless the people you were serving were not aware of this particular social nicety since not everyone is you know and it's not about rudeness it's about different strokes.

lljkk · 23/08/2017 19:19

It's cultural... in my culture it's considered weird to wait more than a minute. Everyone is supposed to eat slow and long so no problem if some get started early.

CarolinePenvenen · 23/08/2017 19:26

Wow. How the fuck did I manage to get to my weight by waiting for the host and taking my time? I could be double the size if only I’d shovelled it in . Maybe your relative just wants to get the fuck out of your judgemental-arsed company? Ever think of that?

userofthiswebsite · 23/08/2017 19:40

I wouldn't care. I don't want people to eat their food when it's got cold for my sake.

OlennasWimple · 23/08/2017 19:41

Leaky - your friend's mum had proper manners, which meant that she didn't make her guest feel unwelcome or awkward (even if you had broken etiquette or a house rule). Perfect.

Happytobefree17 · 23/08/2017 19:44

I remember being at a dinner where my ex, aka as the World's Slowest Eater, took so long to finish eating that the host poured extra gravy onto her plate and scooped it up with her fork

Blobby10 · 23/08/2017 19:53

I was always told that if you are part of a Large party (8 or more) and the meal is hot then you should start once you and those next to you are served. The theory was that it's more of an insult to the chef to let the food go cold than It is to start eating.

TizzyDongue · 23/08/2017 20:01

Surely jacket potatoes could never go cold in 2 minutes? It's hardly detrimental to wait 2 minutes!!!

Though it doesn't seem unlikely that a human being eat a whole hot jacket spud plus meat and salads in 2 mins also!!! Unless 'all but finished' refers to the salad part (I'd say that's possible - especially as I'd say the OPs 2 minutes is probably slightly longer)

Though yes if you're being served food you should wait - or at very least make out you're waiting otherwise it's rude. If someone is obviously taking ages it's a different matter then it's that person being rude. Generally though I think the server tends to say "dig in" or something similar.

LeakyLittleBoat · 23/08/2017 20:12

Yes, Olenna, as I say she was lovely about it as was my friend who never brought it up then or after. The humiliation I felt was imposed by my very self-conscious and socially gauche 12 year old self. My friend dug in like the rest of us whenever she came to tea at my house and I was invited back to hers on many occasions after that. It was then I became aware that different families, and later, cultures can have very different ideas about the etiquette surrounding food and it's not necessarily rudeness when some dont conform.

Xmasbaby11 · 23/08/2017 20:16

I don't know, I think that kind of rule goes out the window if there are young children around. They often start earlier and parents have to help so much with feeding / cleaning up / chasing them around, I think you just eat when you get chance! The dc are 3 and 5 and mostly coming out of this stage but we were lucky to manage to eat our meals at all let alone waiting around.

Hisashiburi · 23/08/2017 20:28

I agree with xmasbaby. When babies/very young children are involved....you eat when you have the chance...especially if there is a risk of them suddenly waking up before everyone starts to eat!! Family would understand.

VictoriaMcdade · 23/08/2017 20:34

I hate food that has gone cold. I tend to wait, the only exception being at My parents. I will be starving and then I have to sit and watch my lovely roast dinner turn stone cold on my plate before I start as they all faff about.
I get a bit hangry about it.

SharonBottsPoundOfGrapes · 23/08/2017 21:05

Being overweight has fuck all to do with your relatives manners. Does being judgemental have anything to do with yours?

Nakedavenger74 · 24/08/2017 00:40

@carefreeeee the host has to finish last?! What is this new rule I know nothing of? Surely it depends on how much you serve yourself, eating speed, whether you have gone for seconds. I have friends who have Debretts running through their veins and never heard of this!

I take an eternity to eat a steak, should the host be nibbling like a bird so as not to offend me or am I expected to choke it down to keep up with the host?! Genuinely confused and worried!

Tazerface · 24/08/2017 00:48

I agree with you unless you're secretly my husband - he would say he's not a faffer but he regularly serves up then potters around cleaning the kitchen a bit meaning I've often finished before he's even sat down!

unfortunateevents · 24/08/2017 00:56

Carefreeee who says the host has to finish last? Surely you are confusing this with Victorian times (and much further back) when the monarch was served first at dinners and once s/he had stopped eating, everyone else had to stop too.

monkeysee100 · 24/08/2017 14:51

One of my pet hates. I don't expect everyone to wait for me but being finished before you've even started is so, so rude! My FIL will help himself to everything, use up lots of gravy before everyone else and then talk with mouth bulging with food before I've had a chance to even sit down. And he has a stomach condition which I'm sure can't be helped by his bolting of food. DH licks his bloody knife too but our 5 year old is telling him off for that

solarisIsAClassic · 24/08/2017 15:16

it's very 'new money' to wait until everyone's been served. What's the point other than some arbitrary measure of modern good manners?

Viviennemary · 24/08/2017 15:17

If you're still serving when other folk have finished eating I think you need to brush up on your serving skills or organise the serving better. I think it's really inconsiderate to expect people to sit like lemons with their food growing cold. Last person served sits down to nice hot meal. Can I be last.

monkeysee100 · 24/08/2017 15:31

I just think of it more as basic decency than an etiquette thing- making sure that there isn't enough to go around. I wouldn't expect anyone to wait ages for me but if someone has finished while I'm still bringing out dishes/sorting out DCs food before my own I think it's rude.

balsamicbarbara · 24/08/2017 19:06

It depends if you're seated at a table or not. If it's a party where people are here and there like a garden party or something, it would be very odd to wait in my experience.

Photomummy16 · 24/08/2017 20:36

Ooh that's a real pet hate of mine! Always wait until the host has picked up their cutlery! I had it drummed into me so much as a child that I even sit there like a lemon waiting for the host to start even if those around me have started. I just imagine the wrath of my parents

reallyanotherone · 24/08/2017 20:44

What's the point other than some arbitrary measure of modern good manners

This. I was "brought up with manners".

It was a never ending source of stress and i was constantly worried about getting it wrong. As a pp said, people have different rules and different manners. So i'd be totally on edge in social situations, watching everyone else like a hawk. Was i eating too much? Too little? Should i speak? Not speak? Ask for condiments? More to drink? Would i be considered uptight if i sat "nicely" and i was with a more relaxed family.

Got to the point i just stopped going to friends.

I let my kids relax and enjoy social occasions. i don't care if friends put their elbows on the table or ask for ketchup. As long as they are mindful of others and we have a nice dinner then who cares.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 24/08/2017 22:05

It depends. If, in the host's house, they are not faffing then it is polite to wait, and polite (if you are starving or there are kids) for them to insist you start.

If the host is a faffer and you know them well (DH, I am looking at you), then just crack on.

coddiwomple · 24/08/2017 22:19

it's very 'new money' to wait until everyone's been served.

whatever makes you feel better!

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