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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

.. To be furious at DH's ex Wife?

517 replies

SSDGM · 23/08/2017 13:03

DH split up with the mother of his kids years before he met me. In fact he had another 10 year long relationship in between us. Now their youngest DD is 19 and in employment the time has come to sell the house (or her to buy him out) as agreed. However she's changed her mind and is pleading poverty. She's ignored solicitors letters and mediation requests or left any correspondence to the last minute and has said she's about to be out of a job due to illness. DH has had enough and has instructed solicitors that Mediation will not work and to go straight to court. She now wants him to just sign it all over to her and walk away.
I'm fuming because I have 2 now adult DS's from my first marriage and after their father and I split I made a point to ramp up my career to look after us all where she has just ignored the passing of time and can't now cope without the maintenance and tax credits she got before her DS/ my DSD was of age. I have a little nest egg put away for a house deposit and earn a decent salary. She has now said she will come after MY money and she will be given the house they shared by the courts because she's poorer than I am.
DH is self employed and earns less than I do.

AIBU to want to get involved? How dare she sit on her arse working part time for years after the kids were old enough to take care of themselves and then piss and moan it's unfair that we have a nice life and should give her everything. I've always been nice to her to keep the peace, but I'm losing patience. Why can't she just bugger off?

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 23/08/2017 23:57

Ostrich convention Grin

Happytobefree17 · 23/08/2017 23:59

😂

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 00:25

Glad you find it funny. Fucks sake.

OP posts:
SSDGM · 24/08/2017 00:26

Here was me thinking she could possibly be a reasonable human being and I'm an idiot for thinking a woman almost in her fifties could possibly act like an adult?

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 24/08/2017 00:27

You're not coming off as a beacon of maturity and good sense yourself, to be harshly honest.

LineysRun · 24/08/2017 00:30

You've had a lot of good advice on this thread, really good advice, for free, most of which you've ignored. You're angry with the wrong people. Good luck, though. Life's not a smooth ride for any of us tbh.

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 00:32

What's immature about expecting other people to keep to their word? It's a mess, I've said as much.

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 24/08/2017 00:32

He should contact the mortgage holder and the endowment provider and request statements of account. He has every right to that information. At least then you'd know what you're dealing with.

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 00:36

I've not ignored any of it. If anything it's made me realise that in all honesty she could be right and I should have cancelled the wedding after she suddenly went selectively deaf/mute but there's not much I can do about that now. Everything I've read here I've looked up and made notes on.

I worked very hard to have some peace and security after my own divorce and it's upsetting that all that could be to no avail because of choices that were made years before my husband an I even met.

OP posts:
SSDGM · 24/08/2017 00:37

She won't tell him the details of the companies or account numbers. We are hoping the threat of court at least will make her hand over those details.

OP posts:
Happytobefree17 · 24/08/2017 00:39

The more you post the more it sounds like a competition about who's the better woman.

Honestly OP, let it go. He is with you. You are the better woman to him.

AnathemaPulsifer · 24/08/2017 00:40

I don't think she has any grounds to go after your savings. Worst case scenario a court might decide that your DH needs less of her equity than he would if you didn't have a deposit saved up, but then he's mostly given up on getting money out of her.

AnathemaPulsifer · 24/08/2017 00:41

Surely he must know who he took out a mortgage with? If his name is on it?

AnathemaPulsifer · 24/08/2017 00:43

I think you could find out who the mortgage is with here: www.gov.uk/get-information-about-property-and-land/search-the-register

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 00:44

He does know the building society, but can't remember the endowment company. My only course now is to start booting his arse about it.

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 24/08/2017 00:45

Note: there are loads of scammy sites charging more to access the same information. Stick to this official one.

AnathemaPulsifer · 24/08/2017 00:46

The building society may have a record of which endowment it is? I have vague feeling you used to have to tell them how you planned to pay it off on most mortgages.

AnathemaPulsifer · 24/08/2017 00:46

And yes, much booting required!!

SerfTerf · 24/08/2017 00:47

She won't tell him the details of the companies or account numbers.

Do a SAR if necessary. Bargain for £10;

ico.org.uk/for-the-public/personal-information/

SerfTerf · 24/08/2017 00:48

Booting his arse is at least constructive.

Bitching endlessly about her will just embitter you further

SSDGM · 24/08/2017 00:48

I never thought about a SAR. Good thinking. Thanks.

OP posts:
LineysRun · 24/08/2017 00:50

It'll probably all be on his credit files (Equifax, Experian). I strongly suggest you take a look at them anyway.

Janeismymiddlename · 24/08/2017 00:52

What's immature about expecting other people to keep to their word?

Nothing at all. It is unreasonable, however, not to have secured that word with legal support. It is also unreasonable to expect that nothing would change in 15 years....

Your dh is massively at fault here. Although it is common not to sort finances out - because of the cost, I presume. Sadly, the real cost, as you are finding out, is not only financial.

SerfTerf · 24/08/2017 00:53

You're mainly very frustrated aren't you?

Make HIM do stuff Wink

Janeismymiddlename · 24/08/2017 00:55

Why does he not have details of the mortgage company? Are you actually serious that he hasn't bothered to prioritise knowing what is going on? Why has he not received annual statements etc.if he is still on the mortgage? This gets more and more crazy by the second!