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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed guests ate before our dinner?

120 replies

WinnieWonders · 23/08/2017 10:26

I only see a good friend of mine roughly once a year because we both moved away and now have kids, so difficult to co-ordinate. So this time they were dropping in for a visit on their way to see relatives. We agreed they would be here for lunch at 13:00. I checked they liked everything I was cooking and there were lots of salad items as well.

I put on a big spread of food. They left the house at 11:30 and arrived at 13:20, keeping me updated the whole journey of their arrival time so I could co-ordinate it. We sat down straight away and my friend's DH put a tiny portion of food on his plate. I offered them several items but he refused, then said - "I'm not hungry, I ate lunch at 12:00".

I ignored the comment and acted as normal, having a nice time with them. But inside I felt a bit offended and like a fool sat in front of this big spread of food I'd prepared. My friend ate a bit more than him but not much.

If they had eaten (bit weird to stop to eat only 1/2 hour after leaving home, why not just have a snack instead?) WHY TELL ME? Surely it's polite to just keep quiet and pretend you are just not hungry for some unknown reason. It's a bit rude to tell me, no?

Also, her DH seemed quite quiet and a little moody, as if he was a bit bored and wanted to leave. It was probably a bit boring for him as my DH was not around that day. Obvs I included him in our conversations, but I guess it was mainly girly chat. I hardly get to see his wife - surely he could make an effort for her sake?

She seemed her normal, happy self, but when they left it felt like it had been a weird meet-up and I felt a bit sad for her.

OP posts:

ElliotBoy · 24/08/2017 08:56

You did everything right OP and unfortunately your friend's husband was extremely rude. Nothing you need to apologise for.

Truzza · 24/08/2017 17:54

If you think something's up and he clearly sounds like a dick... then you need to talk to her and tell her you are there for her. Have s look at women's aid website and see what they have to say about supporting someone in a shitty difficult situation. The fact that she was all chirpy and 'normal' sends huge alarm bells to me

Lovingit81 · 24/08/2017 19:18

Incredibly rude. Poor you but more importantly your poor friend! I'd keep an eye on that one!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 24/08/2017 19:32

I'd definitely ask her about it in a light way.

mommybunny · 24/08/2017 19:49

A PP said it's always men who do this ...

Last year DH and I invited the family of one of DD's school friends for Sunday lunch. Like OP I checked the menu with the mum beforehand - no allergies, aversions, or other food issues connected with anything I proposed. When they arrived, at a normal lunch time (around 12:30 I think) the mum ate very little and didn't touch my roast potatoes because she'd decided she was "no carbing" (and I make awesome roasties). Needless to say she also wouldn't touch dessert (and I made two). Her DH seemed a little embarrassed and looked almost like he was trying to compensate for her pickiness by eating more himself. She also left before the cheese course because she had to bathe her DSs (8 and 6) at 5 on the dot. Her DD (also 8) and DH wanted to stay so they walked home (about 20 minutes). I admit I was a little miffed at the mum's coldness.

A couple of weeks later my DD told me her friend's parents were separating. My DH, who is better friends with the dad than I am with the mum, later found out that it was the morning of our lunch that they had made the decision.

Rainbunny · 24/08/2017 19:50

If they were on their way to see relatives then I think the friend's DH must have seen the visit with you as an annoying diversion along the way - very rude and passive aggressive behaviour though.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/08/2017 19:58

Agree with PP who say it is (nearly) always men who do this - they expect all their whims and food fussiness to be accomodated (it's nearly always men who will just refuse to eat food they don't like and/or demand that their tastes be catered to). Once again, this is sexism in action: women are supposed to smooth things over, and men don't trouble themselves about hurting women's feelings or inconveniencing them, so women have to be nice to their male partner's friends and family but men will be difficult, rude and sullen to a woman''s friends and relatives, just because they can...

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/08/2017 20:02

DameDoom. I'm agog

He's a rude arse op. I'd try to plan a evening/night away with her, just the two of you.

Catch583 · 24/08/2017 20:04

I once spent a week planning, shopping, cooking and preparing a massive spread for when all my family was getting together.
One family had stopped en route and eaten Burgers and chips just before arriving. The children of another family were given cakes which the parents had brought because 'they won't eat whatever you've made', so of course the other children present also demanded cakes and ate nothing else.
I was furious at the waste of food and my time.

JaneEyre70 · 24/08/2017 20:21

We had friends here once for New Year, as they had a new baby and didn't want to go out. We'd been planning the menu for ages, talked about it on several occasions and it was all arranged they'd arrive at 7pm so we'd eat for 8pm. They arrived late, so I more or less served up as they got here and they barely ate a morsel. I could have cried, I'd spent all day cooking and cleaning. Then they said they'd eaten a family dinner with her grandparents and all the family at 5pm. I did say that I wished they'd told me, as our DDs were starving and we could have eaten at 5pm too. The worst bit was that they weren't even remotely embarassed........... never had them back.

SnickersWasAHorse · 24/08/2017 20:24

Could it be that he has ASD or some such and has to eat at 12?

StealthPolarBear · 24/08/2017 20:56

May I just thank everyone for spelling 'en route' correctly. Something the BBC struggles to do.

Rainbunny · 24/08/2017 22:28

Mommybunny - I think you are being too harsh on your guests! I think as a guest I should make an attempt to eat at least a little of all the dishes my host has prepared but I also watch what I eat and don't like to be pressured into eating overly rich foods. I also don't have a sweet tooth and never want dessert (I'll eat your house out of cheese but that's anything thing entirely!)

I have a troubled past with food and being pressured or guilted into eating something too rich or sweet would consume my thoughts for the rest of the visit in an unhealthy way.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/08/2017 23:53

Rainbunny - then you should probably avoid visiting friends for meals unless you know them well. Close friends and family members you get on well with are going to be happy to deal with someone's food issues; acquaintances aren't obliged to try and accommodate a dozen different food-related preferences all along the spectrum from dangerous food allergy to attention-seeking rude bellen.

Rainbunny · 25/08/2017 00:12

I'm not fussy - as I said I think a guest should try a little of EVERYTHING the host has prepared but should not feel forced to eat a full or large serving of a particular dish. What kind of host get's annoyed when a guest only eats one roast potato instead of three roast potatoes?

The last dinner party I went to, actually it was more of a potluck and the organiser himself made an Argentinian dish (from his home country), goat stew. I ate the damn thing, smiled and valiantly kept it down. It was very...goaty! I'm hardly precious about food but many people struggle with keeping weight off etc... no need to get angry that they prefer not to eat dessert!

Dejatrue · 25/08/2017 00:38

Fussy eaters (.not proper allergies, more "whim" fussy eater types) and people who do this kind of thing are generally controlling passive aggressive types (who like the idea of setting up others to scurry round after them begging them to eat whilst they nobly decide whether or not to oblige)

I find as I get older I can tolerate this rude behaviour less and less. I wouldn't invite again.

Mittens1969 · 25/08/2017 08:18

@Dejatrue, that's true, my DDs are like that, at ages 8 and 5. In other words, it's what children do, not adults! So yes, that isn't the kind of behaviour I would expect from adults visiting, especially as in the OP's case she made a point of asking about likes and dislikes.

DearMrDilkington · 25/08/2017 09:02

They had a row.

2ndSopranos · 25/08/2017 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1498921160 · 25/08/2017 10:20

I think it's the height of rudeness for people to do this. It's happened to me a couple of times and I felt like picking up the serving dish and pouring the food over their heads.

Do these people not realise that their hosts have spent a load of money on food and a lot of time preparing it. And no, having allergies, eating disorders etc is no excuse. Don't accept a dinner invitation if you've no intention of eating the dinner. It's rude and inconsiderate and a huge waste of someone else's time, effort and money.

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