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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed guests ate before our dinner?

120 replies

WinnieWonders · 23/08/2017 10:26

I only see a good friend of mine roughly once a year because we both moved away and now have kids, so difficult to co-ordinate. So this time they were dropping in for a visit on their way to see relatives. We agreed they would be here for lunch at 13:00. I checked they liked everything I was cooking and there were lots of salad items as well.

I put on a big spread of food. They left the house at 11:30 and arrived at 13:20, keeping me updated the whole journey of their arrival time so I could co-ordinate it. We sat down straight away and my friend's DH put a tiny portion of food on his plate. I offered them several items but he refused, then said - "I'm not hungry, I ate lunch at 12:00".

I ignored the comment and acted as normal, having a nice time with them. But inside I felt a bit offended and like a fool sat in front of this big spread of food I'd prepared. My friend ate a bit more than him but not much.

If they had eaten (bit weird to stop to eat only 1/2 hour after leaving home, why not just have a snack instead?) WHY TELL ME? Surely it's polite to just keep quiet and pretend you are just not hungry for some unknown reason. It's a bit rude to tell me, no?

Also, her DH seemed quite quiet and a little moody, as if he was a bit bored and wanted to leave. It was probably a bit boring for him as my DH was not around that day. Obvs I included him in our conversations, but I guess it was mainly girly chat. I hardly get to see his wife - surely he could make an effort for her sake?

She seemed her normal, happy self, but when they left it felt like it had been a weird meet-up and I felt a bit sad for her.

OP posts:
Peachyking000 · 23/08/2017 11:01

I like to think I would have called them out on it, in a casual way e.g. "Guys, why did you go out for lunch when you knew I was going to have a meal ready for you?"

SheGotOffThePlane · 23/08/2017 11:01

It does sound as though there is more to this and I would keep in touch on that basis.
If however, it turns out they were just plain rude, I would be fuming. My SIL did this Boxing day before last when I had spent the entire morning cooking and cleaning up and she said she had already eaten and would just have wine. I was raging.

TallulahBetty · 23/08/2017 11:02

Agree it's weird that you didn't reply and ask why he ate when he was coming for lunch.

Donttouchthethings · 23/08/2017 11:03

Maybe they'd just had a row about him eating? I've known some men be really arsey when they're hungry - maybe he had made a thing about eating earlier and created an upset between them?

Leilaniii · 23/08/2017 11:04

I invited some new friends round for dinner once, I spent days preparing the dinner (chocolate bread & butter pudding for instance takes 2 days). I asked them what kind of food they liked beforehand and cooked a 'luxury' (sorry, but it was) lasagne with salads and homemade garlic bread, etc. I really went to town.

When they turned up, they were all eating crisps from huge family-sized bags of crisps and when it was time to eat dinner, none of them were hungry.

Rude fuckers.

RachelP247 · 23/08/2017 11:06

Sounds like he didn't want to come and made them deliberately stop off an get something to eat - cos yes, that's weird that you would stop just half an hour after you had left the house.

And for him to rub it in saying that he has already eaten he's just being a dick. Defo didn't want to come and was intent on making that known.

BakedBeans47 · 23/08/2017 11:08

Very rude and he sounds like a complete tosser

AntiGrinch · 23/08/2017 11:09

This is the kind of thing my ex would do. He was generally tricky about food and had no respect for mealtimes or agreements to eat out, etc. I agree, he was being a dick because your friend arranged a social occasion that wasn't all about him.

"Why on earth wouldn't you have said, "Oh? You ate lunch? But surely you knew you were coming her for lunch at 1pm?""

I can imagine easily being too shy / hurt / embarrassed to say this, in the moment. I might regret it afterwards but my immediate impulse would be to smooth it all over rather than expose that I was upset or puzzled

PollyFlint · 23/08/2017 11:09

YANBU to be annoyed. It's incredibly rude to eat lunch just before you arrive at someone's house for a meal and, as a result, refuse to eat the food they've prepared for you. If you're absolutely starving (and honestly, you'd think a grown man could wait an hour beyond their usual lunch time) you have a snack like a bag of crisps or something to tide you over, not an actual lunch.

I think they'd obviously had a row and he was determined to embarrass her and/or spoil her day. He probably didn't want to come so acted like a sulky child.

he could be dieting, didn't like what you had prepared, have food intolerances

Did you not read the OP's post? She clearly says that she checked beforehand that everything she was cooking was food the guests liked and could eat.

Original poster
WinnieWonders · 23/08/2017 11:12

Hi, thank you for the feedback. It's good to know that I interpreted this right. The reason I didn't speak up is because:

  1. I'm not very good of thinking about the right thing to say on the spot in a situation when someone is rude.
  2. I didn't want the visit to feel awkward and wanted to keep it light and happy, as we don't see each other often.

Unfortunately, I have a feeling that my friends husband is a bit controlling. I have nothing concrete to base it on, it's just little things and a gut feeling.

She has a very laid back, placid, happy person, who would bend to others just to keep the peace. She doesn't see bad in anybody. I imagine that she is truely happy with him as she would probably go along with what he says and not question any motives (I'm imagining this, just knowing her personality). To say anything to her about it would be futile. I would not want to get involved and she would just see it his way anyway.

She has a baby, so the baby needing to eat a dinner would not have been a reason to stop for a meal for the adults.

I just really hope that he didn't purposefully make this visit uncomfortable because he wants to 'keep her for himself' and is trying to stop her from having close friends / is negative about her having friendships.

I'll always be here for her in the background anyway.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 23/08/2017 11:13

I have had an OH like this. He would decide he was hungry and have to eat, right then, that minute. If he was told we were going out for lunch (or any other meal) he'd say 'oh, I'll just have a little bit of that,' but it wouldn't stop him tucking in to a big meal there and then.

He was a dick. A dick who wanted his own way all the time. Sounds like your friend has got one of those, OP.

LittleWingSoul · 23/08/2017 11:14

You'd like to think you'd casually ask why they'd already had lunch knowing you'd cooked, but when my DSis and BIL did this to me recently I didn't ask because it would come off as passive aggressive and really... What answer could they give where I would be like "oh, that's ok then!" ?
It's rude and the damage has been done, there's no coming back from it! Just... "Grrr!"

bigchris · 23/08/2017 11:16

Why did he come at all? Why didn't she come alone and he stay home?

Original poster
WinnieWonders · 23/08/2017 11:17

bigchris - They were both on the way to visit relatives together. It was a long journey and I'm half way.

OP posts:
AntiGrinch · 23/08/2017 11:18

Keep an eye on your friend because situations like this with less understanding people than you can gradually work to isolate her.

My ex had no conscious desire to separate me from friends and family but he was so difficult and rude that over time I saw them all less and less. One of the best things about separating from him was feeling really free to spend as much time as I wanted socialising in a very relaxed way with people, instead of always worrying about how blatantly bored he was and whom he might offend next. fortunately all my lovely friends are still there for me and aren't resentful of my disappearance.

Bluntness100 · 23/08/2017 11:19

I'd guess, and we are all guessing, he was making a point because he didn't want to come. The fact he told you he ate would indicate this. I'd also say though it sounds like she ate too, so they went for lunch together. It is rude yes.

However, how far away do they live from uou? You said they left home less than two hours before hand and kept you updated along the way, so when would they have had time to have lunch at noon? Is there a chance, and I mean this gently, they didn't like the food?

MsHarry · 23/08/2017 11:20

Rude!!

Bibidy · 23/08/2017 11:29

I agree with a PP, why did he even come along at all??

You're right, it's really rude for them to have already eaten knowing you're doing lunch. I'd be annoyed too.

KERALA1 · 23/08/2017 11:32

The comments that OP was "weird" for not challenging him on the "we've eaten" comment are weird themselves. Quite an aggressive statement to make to a guest, no way would I have said anything like that and I met those PP berating OP wouldn't have done either!

Don't worry OP its a fairly common unpleasant selfish git husband behaviour. "They are your friends/family therefore I don't give a shit and am rude to them irrespective of what they are like". Indicative of a sad relationship. Ironically I bet the wives are fantastic hosts to his friends and family Hmm.

Good that your DH wasn't there as that would have been worse! We had this once with an old school friend's DH. He even sat and played video games while we were there! Poor DH was sat like a lemon. Never again!

coldflange · 23/08/2017 11:34

Wow.

I think it's the DH making some kind of a point. He either didn't want to come or doesn't like the food you were preparing.

Write it off - but keep in touch with your friend. As PP have said he could be quite a controlling man.

Pigface1 · 23/08/2017 11:37

Very very rude. And as you say in your OP, you checked with them about likes and dislikes etc. They knew you were making an effort and spending money to make them a lunch.

I think it's possible that they'd had a row on the way there - or the husband could be one of those uncontrolled people who just HAS to eat whenever he feels the slightest urge - even if they'll be getting a meal in an hour. My DF is like that. (Even if that were the case though - why wouldn't you just have a snack??)

Oblomov17 · 23/08/2017 11:39

Why don't you ask her? When you next talk to her:
"It seemed very odd... I went to a lot of trouble... was your dh ok? He seemed very uncomfortable...."
hint hint. ie this/he is VERY rude.

FuckYouLinda · 23/08/2017 11:41

My ex would have done something like this. In fact he often did engineer a row or something to ruin an impending social occasion that I was looking forward to.

He was controlling and emotionally & physically abusive. My guess is that this bloke is very similar and did it to piss his wife off, and offend you to the point you'll lessen contact with your DF. I suspect she'll need a few friends in her corner in years to come so your plan to be there for her in the background is a good one.

maddiemookins16mum · 23/08/2017 11:41

Yep, he was grouchy and hungry before leaving the house and ate anyway.

chocorabbit · 23/08/2017 11:42

I feel for you! Once, when heavily pregnant, I had to marinate and cook about 30 chicken legs plus other things, taking turns using a small oven. It took me hours only for the guests to say that they had had late breakfast!! But they were not my guests, they were MIL's so I couldn't say anything!