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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed guests ate before our dinner?

120 replies

WinnieWonders · 23/08/2017 10:26

I only see a good friend of mine roughly once a year because we both moved away and now have kids, so difficult to co-ordinate. So this time they were dropping in for a visit on their way to see relatives. We agreed they would be here for lunch at 13:00. I checked they liked everything I was cooking and there were lots of salad items as well.

I put on a big spread of food. They left the house at 11:30 and arrived at 13:20, keeping me updated the whole journey of their arrival time so I could co-ordinate it. We sat down straight away and my friend's DH put a tiny portion of food on his plate. I offered them several items but he refused, then said - "I'm not hungry, I ate lunch at 12:00".

I ignored the comment and acted as normal, having a nice time with them. But inside I felt a bit offended and like a fool sat in front of this big spread of food I'd prepared. My friend ate a bit more than him but not much.

If they had eaten (bit weird to stop to eat only 1/2 hour after leaving home, why not just have a snack instead?) WHY TELL ME? Surely it's polite to just keep quiet and pretend you are just not hungry for some unknown reason. It's a bit rude to tell me, no?

Also, her DH seemed quite quiet and a little moody, as if he was a bit bored and wanted to leave. It was probably a bit boring for him as my DH was not around that day. Obvs I included him in our conversations, but I guess it was mainly girly chat. I hardly get to see his wife - surely he could make an effort for her sake?

She seemed her normal, happy self, but when they left it felt like it had been a weird meet-up and I felt a bit sad for her.

OP posts:
LifeofClimb · 23/08/2017 11:44

The guy's an asshole.

I guarantee you the scenario probably went like this:

Man goes to pub the night before
Rolls in way later than he told his wife, goes to bed really late
Possibly argue when he gets into bed
Wakes up late, hungover as fuck
Argue about man being hungover, knowing they had plans and were travelling to meet two sets of people
Man is moody and declares he doesn't want to have lunch at friend's house
Woman gets mad because this was all prearranged with friends
Man says right, I'm coming, but I'm hungover, I need a macdonalds NOW
They argue, stop at Macdonalds half an hour into journey to make the man stfu
Arrive at friends for lunch, man now not hungry
Woman now pleased to see friend for lunch, so ignores man and enjoys friend's company

and on and on...

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 23/08/2017 11:45

This has happened to me. On New Years Day! When they had specifically been invited for dinner. They didn't stay long either. I was really upset, my DH did call them on it actually (it wasn't cheap at an expensive time of year as well). They just mumbled something about not realising I was cooking. Nonsense, like you I'd asked what they would like etc.

Never did find out what went on there it left a very sour taste though and I couldn't ditch them as friends, they relatives!

LagunaBubbles · 23/08/2017 11:46

The comments that OP was "weird" for not challenging him on the "we've eaten" comment are weird themselves. Quite an aggressive statement to make to a guest, no way would I have said anything like that and I met those PP berating OP wouldn't have done either!

There is nothing aggressive about asking if there has been a misunderstanding about lunch at all. If I had took the time, effort and money to prepare a nice lunch for a friend who was specifically coming for said lunch and then they arrived and didnt eat much after having stopped for lunch of course I would have said something!

Blackadderspants · 23/08/2017 11:49

Winnie your friend is very lucky to have a friend like you Flowers

I think you have sensed right - they had a quarrel and he decided to behave obnoxiously and make her day uncomfortable. He sounds like a right piece of work.

I can understand not wanting to speak up and cause an atmosphere, to be honest I think I would have done the same. If you had spoken up then he may well have tried to use that as an excuse for her not to see you again "oh I don't like Winnie, remember how rude she was to me last time we visited blah blah whine whine" - sounds like a perfect excuse for a controlling man.

Well done you for sticking by her, from the sound of him she will need a good friend in due course...

nauticant · 23/08/2017 11:53

If I had took the time, effort and money to prepare a nice lunch for a friend who was specifically coming for said lunch and then they arrived and didnt eat much after having stopped for lunch of course I would have said something!

Many people find it difficult to be assertive on the spur of the moment in a social situation. Always knowing the right thing to say seems to be the exception rather than the rule.

blackteasplease · 23/08/2017 11:56

I agree with all the comments about him being deliberately difficult, trying to make things awkward etc.

It's the fact that he felt free to say it that is the worst imo.

I prefer not to turn up to someone's house starving myself, as it feels rude to fall apon the food as if you haven't eaten in decades, or to want to eat the minute I get there. So will often have a snack or similar beforehand, to make sure I'm not starving hungry. Also I get very hangry (quite an annoying word - I get a bad blood sugar dip which makes me quite grumpy - tested for diabetes many times but I don't have it).

So I sort of understand that bit, especially if they had been up early with the baby or up all night or whatever. But a normal person would say "oh lovely, what a lovely lunch" and just eat what they could manage as thought it was their usual portion.

blackteasplease · 23/08/2017 11:57

Oh, and like the OP I would have found it difficult to say the right assertive thing on the spur of the moment.

It would either have come across all wrong, i.e. aggressive rather than assertive, or I wouldn't have said anything.

Madfin2 · 23/08/2017 11:58

Unfortunately I could see my DH pulling a stunt like this if we'd had an argument. Double points you see, embarrassing his wife and also upsetting her friend too. I'm sorry OP, you are a kind friend and I I think you're right she may need your support in the future.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/08/2017 12:12

That is just SO rude, YANBU at all to be both upset and offended.

I have been to a lunch party where similar happened, except the other guest had had a large breakfast quite late in the morning (so brunch, I guess) and wasn't recovered from that yet. My hostess friend was really offended because she'd really gone to a lot of trouble to cater for both of us and our dietary quirks, so it was very upsetting for her that it was gone to waste (in the other friend's case, I was starving and ate all mine!)

LittleWingSoul · 23/08/2017 12:16

Madfin Sorry you can relate to that behaviour Flowers

tobee · 23/08/2017 12:17

Sorry but not liking the food is not a valid excuse. They're adults ffs. If a friend/relative is making you food, you eat it up, whatever. If my kids made it obvious they didn't like something given to them to eat at someone's house at age over, say, 12, I'd be mortified.

Now I want chocolate bread and butter pudding.

RhubardGin · 23/08/2017 12:21

I wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue to be honest if I had been in the kitchen all morning and was now out of pocket for food they didn't eat.

He sounds incredibly rude!

I agree with a PP who said he probably didn't want to make the visit so was obviously pissed off before he got there and decided to be an obnoxious twat.

Next time you meet up, make sure he isn't invited.

Neutrogena · 23/08/2017 12:27

I don't get this.

OP says she didn;t say anything because

I didn't want the visit to feel awkward and wanted to keep it light and happy, as we don't see each other often.

but then says

She has a very laid back, placid, happy person, who would bend to others just to keep the peace.

Which is it?

PollyFlint · 23/08/2017 12:30

Is there a chance, and I mean this gently, they didn't like the food?

Bluntness, I would have thought this too, usually - but the OP says she checked beforehand that they liked the dishes she was cooking and the husband didn't even try things before eating a minuscule portion.

PollyFlint · 23/08/2017 12:34

Neutrogena - there were other people there, not just the friend. The OP's friend is laid-back and happy - but her husband might not be. The OP might have felt awkward herself, or her family might have felt awkward. Or she might have tjust wanted to talk about other things instead rather than having a discussion about the lunch issue. It's not complicated and there's no contradiction here.

Intothenestofvipers · 23/08/2017 12:37

Why on earth wouldn't you have said, "Oh? You ate lunch? But surely you knew you were coming her for lunch at 1pm?"

I would never say this to a guest in my home. How is it helping an awkward situation by berating the already arsey DH like a 9 year old?

nauticant · 23/08/2017 12:39

Which is it?

The most important thing on the thread is to pick over the OP's posts and then to declare the finding of "contradictions" to plant a seed of doubt in her mind. Obviously doing that is the best way to interact with the thread.

grandOlejukeofYork · 23/08/2017 12:39

Why do you keep saying dinner when it was lunch?

It could be something as simple as she didn't bother to tell him they were stopping at yours for lunch until they were setting off.

EyeHalveASpellingChequer · 23/08/2017 12:43

grandOle
Wikipedia: "Dinner usually refers to the most significant and important meal of the day, which can be the noon or the evening meal."

Mittens1969 · 23/08/2017 12:44

I would definitely feel offended after preparing a meal; it was obviously important to both you an your friend to catch up, my DH hasn't always been massively keen on seeing my friends but he's always totally polite.

Your friend must have felt mortified, he was obviously trying to spoil her time with her friend for whatever reason.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/08/2017 12:44

What a ridiculously classist thing to say. Some people have breakfast dinner and tea still - just because you don't doesn't make them wrong.

grandOlejukeofYork · 23/08/2017 12:46

What a ridiculously classist thing to say

What is? Confused

AnUtterIdiot · 23/08/2017 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsOverTheRoad · 23/08/2017 12:51

Yorke who keeps calling it dinner?

Mittens1969 · 23/08/2017 12:52

Actually thinking about it, this is the sort of thing my DSis's exh would have been like, and he was controlling, and violent, so I'm inclined to think that your instincts on this are right, OP, and it would be a good idea to call your friend and ask her if she's ok.