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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed guests ate before our dinner?

120 replies

WinnieWonders · 23/08/2017 10:26

I only see a good friend of mine roughly once a year because we both moved away and now have kids, so difficult to co-ordinate. So this time they were dropping in for a visit on their way to see relatives. We agreed they would be here for lunch at 13:00. I checked they liked everything I was cooking and there were lots of salad items as well.

I put on a big spread of food. They left the house at 11:30 and arrived at 13:20, keeping me updated the whole journey of their arrival time so I could co-ordinate it. We sat down straight away and my friend's DH put a tiny portion of food on his plate. I offered them several items but he refused, then said - "I'm not hungry, I ate lunch at 12:00".

I ignored the comment and acted as normal, having a nice time with them. But inside I felt a bit offended and like a fool sat in front of this big spread of food I'd prepared. My friend ate a bit more than him but not much.

If they had eaten (bit weird to stop to eat only 1/2 hour after leaving home, why not just have a snack instead?) WHY TELL ME? Surely it's polite to just keep quiet and pretend you are just not hungry for some unknown reason. It's a bit rude to tell me, no?

Also, her DH seemed quite quiet and a little moody, as if he was a bit bored and wanted to leave. It was probably a bit boring for him as my DH was not around that day. Obvs I included him in our conversations, but I guess it was mainly girly chat. I hardly get to see his wife - surely he could make an effort for her sake?

She seemed her normal, happy self, but when they left it felt like it had been a weird meet-up and I felt a bit sad for her.

OP posts:

grandOlejukeofYork · 23/08/2017 12:52

OP does. In her title it's dinner, then she says they agree to come for lunch, then it's dinner again, then it's lunch again.
It's confusing.

MrsOverTheRoad · 23/08/2017 12:53

Oh right! Well it doesn't really matter. We all know what she means.

Sparkletastic · 23/08/2017 13:02

Why don't you text your friend OP and say 'lovely to see you as always. Did I misunderstand that you were coming for lunch?'

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/08/2017 13:11

They were rude to tell you and rude to eat so much that they weren't hungry. 1.20 is a perfectly normal lunchtime so it's not like they can claim they weren't hungry because it was a funny time.

I never know what to do when someone says they are doing food for, day, 3pm; it's particularly difficult when you have kids and they've been up early and had breakfast early so will have also then eaten lunch at 12-12.30 so won't be hungry for evening food till 5 ish. If someone does a 3pm buffet I won't be very hungry as it's between meals so I probably wouldn't take much food. And hope the host isn't offended. Unless it's Christmas Day when everyone's routine is out and they're stuffed with chocolate, then why would you not serve guests good at average normal meal times

The OP didn't do this, obviously, I just wanted to remark that sometimes hosts get a bit funny when you're clearly trying to force down food to please them at 3-3.30pm. I never enjoy food when it is served outside of "usual" meal times although I know that some people can eat at any time and still enjoy it.

OVienna · 23/08/2017 13:14

Could they have just forgotten about the arrangements?

GhostsToMonsoon · 23/08/2017 13:18

You made it quite clear that they were invited for lunch, so I think it's rude that they ate first.

We were once invited to an anniversary party at about 2pm, so we didn't think there would be lunch - at about 3pm a big spread of food appeared and we weren't very hungry, but had we been told there was food I would have just had a biscuit earlier on.

MsHarry · 23/08/2017 13:19

*Could they have just forgotten about the arrangements?
If that was the case then the polite thing would either be to say nothing and try to eat or apologise and own up. Not just say it bluntly with no recognition of the effort OP had been to.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/08/2017 13:20

DH's parents are odd with food. Quite often eat their main meal of the day at 4.45. I would never be hungry then as I'm usually still at work and not able to eat till about 6.30. Yet I think they think WE'RE odd.

I remember the first time our sets of parents met each other, it was at a meal in a pub booked for 7pm I think. Turned up, announced They'd already eaten something at 5 ish andso woukd only have something light.

People are very stuck in their ways with regards meal times and a lot seem to be very inflexible. May start a new thread about people's odd preferences about eating.....

OVienna · 23/08/2017 13:22

I agree MsHarry. I am just wondering TBH. My theory is also that they had some sort of argument prior and the husband had a stop. But - he could also just place a limited value on the sort of social niceties you note...

KERALA1 · 23/08/2017 13:23

Only ever seen this done by men to their wives - never the other way round.

CasperGutman · 23/08/2017 13:27

Could they have just forgotten about the arrangements?
Yes, that'll be it. They got into the car to drive to OP's house, planning to arrive there at lunchtime.

"What are we going round for?"

"I don't know, I forget. She did ask us about some food, and whether we liked it, so maybe she's planning to cook. Seeing as we're going round at lunchtime."

"That's probably coincidence. I doubt she'll have made food for us. She probably just wants to chat with us, wait until we leave and eat awkwardly late, on her own."

"Yes, that'll be it. We'd better have a meal on the way!"

Kublakhan · 23/08/2017 13:28

DH's family does this all the time and I find it so strange.

We had a big wedding rehearsal dinner which my parents hosted, and my PIL ate a huge meal in a cafe en route. My parents had thrown the party especially for them as they are American and they knew that and knew they were coming for dinner.

DHs sister turns up every single time having had a McDonald's or similar en route. I would take it personally against my cooking but it's regardless of what we are having, where we are (ie she will turn up at a restaurant having eaten no more than an hour previously). I'm not sure what the reasoning is but I do find it really odd.

DameDoom · 23/08/2017 13:39

How bloody rude. I had a great friend and her new partner over for dinner and to stay the night a while back. Unusually for her, she didn't even bring a bottle of wine which was v out of character. Her DP then proceeded to speed drink the bottled beer we had in so DH had to pop out to get more in ( we'd already bought a case so weren't being stingy). I made two huge antipasti platters to have with drinks before the meal. They were huge but I do like a platter to look nice so over-cater. He took one of the platters and ate the whole thing, literally scooping it up with his hands whilst lying with muddy boots on my sofa. My friend didn't bat an eyelid. We sat down to dinner and he announced he wasn't hungry so would just stay on the beer instead - he was almost on crate 2 by then. After dinner, we went into the living room where he then ate the second antipasti platter and then lay on the sofa snogging friend. DH and I were completely agog. Was a very weird evening - I cringe thinking about it.

OVienna · 23/08/2017 13:43

Okay - got it casper. Did you enjoy that?

They could have made the arrangements weeks ago. I have seen things like this happen before.

SoNouveau · 23/08/2017 13:43

Why do you keep saying dinner when it was lunch?

Lots of people call a midday meal dinner and it would be a bit obvious given the time of day they were visiting at.

grandOlejukeofYork · 23/08/2017 13:47

They don't call it both lunch and dinner at the same time though!

Openup41 · 23/08/2017 13:49

This happened to me. You go to all the trouble to cook and your guests eat just before visiting you. It is awkward and rude. They have not been invited back since and this was well over 10 years ago.

Kentnurse2015 · 23/08/2017 13:51

I say alternate lunch and dinner for the same meal all the time!

ilovesushi · 23/08/2017 13:56

How rude and uncomfortable. I would have been completely wrong footed too by his statement that he'd already eaten. Had your friend and her kids eaten beforehand as well or was it just him? Totally weird.
I've had a similar situation a couple of times with guests coming over for a weekend. I get an eta, offer and confirm lunch, then we all hold on for them and on arrival they say "Oh we grabbed something at a service station because we were running late." Can they not text so we don't all feel like idiots tucking into an over-abundant 2.30pm lunch without them when they arrive?

yawning801 · 23/08/2017 13:58

YANBU, he's rude.

I had a situation like this with a friend's DS. She casually mentioned as we were sitting down "oh, he had a Maccy D's at three so he won't be that hungry." Never mind we'd cooked a whole different bloody meal for him because he didn't like what everyone else was having. This was at five, by the way. And if they get there at half four, they're gone by half seven because her miserable DH is itching to get away and will continually check his watch from seven onwards.

Mustang27 · 23/08/2017 15:42

Really odd, why not just say we will sort our own lunch. I'd be miffed too.'

ButchyRestingFace · 23/08/2017 15:44

If it's a salad, I would do the decent thing.

If it's something hot, I'm afraid it's every little diner for themselves.

Bon appetit.

ButchyRestingFace · 23/08/2017 15:45

Wrong thread!!!

nakedscientist · 23/08/2017 18:54

Damedoom "After dinner, we went into the living room where he then ate the second antipasti platter and then lay on the sofa snogging friend"
How utterly rude!

OP your friend's DH is very rude too, maybe go out for a 'girly night' with her on her own next time, if you can.

Original poster

WinnieWonders · 23/08/2017 21:25

Dinner and Lunch confusion.....

I am from the Midlands where people call meals Breakfast, Dinner and Tea. My DH is southern and says Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner.

So, I often swap betwen calling the middle meal Dinner or Lunch. Sorry guys!! x

OP posts:

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