Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Awkward situation with friend over infertility

88 replies

ohbigdaddio · 22/08/2017 14:21

I have a good friend who I've been pretty close to over the years. She moved abroad with her DP last year (temporarily for a few years) and I said I would visit her. Various things got in the way and I couldn't visit and also during that time DH have been struggling with TTC and have had lots of stressful times with having tests etc.

I get the feeling she's a bit narked that we haven't visited yet and she has been quiet brief on text messages which is unusual. I feel like we are drifting apart a bit as I haven't been in touch with her as much as I usually would have due to feeling very low/depressed about our infertility. But instead of her asking me if I'm ok, she has largely stopped texting me too. We haven't had any falling out at all but it feels a bit off to me.

This friend is not at the same stage we are in life so I get that she doesn't fully understand our situation. She's been over to the UK a couple of times and always says "when are you going to come and see me?" She knows of our struggles and I have confided before that we might need to start IVF soon and will have to pay for it ourselves. She says it so directly that I've found it very difficult to tell her we may not be able to afford it...I always feel I have to say "yes, we'll be over at some point" and have tried to be vague about when. We saw her DP too recently and he said something like "When are you two going to get your act together and visit us?" Again, I felt rather awkward (as he knows what we're going though) and vaguely said "yes, we must get over soon".

Since then DH and I have decided we are going to go ahead with IVF, starting in a month or two. We've been advised to expect to need at least 3 rounds (at £5k – 6k each).

I'm due to see my friend this week as she's in the UK again. AIBU to think that when I tell her about our plans, I shouldn't need to say "so obviously we can't afford to visit you now"? Or do I need to spell it out? We are going through such a tough time emotionally and I would expect most people on hearing this would say "don't worry about visiting us at the moment".

I understand she will be disappointed but AIBU to feel she should be supporting me a bit more and saying she completely understands (about our financial situation not the infertility)? I'll add that she's a very lovely person usually, very happy in her life but not so good at dealing with tough situations.

OP posts:

5rivers7hills · 22/08/2017 14:24

Well they do say that when you move abroad you really find out who your friends are.....

You haven't made any time or effort to go visit her because you have been caught up in yourself (however reasonably).

So from her point of view... not much of a close friend.

On the flip side, she's only been gone a year and generally the 'moving away' person does end up doing the bulk of the traveling.

HarrisHawk · 22/08/2017 14:25

I think you do need to spell it out: few people would be aware if they haven't had to look into it themselves that IVF is so expensive.

It sounds like she thinks you're just not bothering: you need to say directly that you need £15-18k for IVF, and can't afford to spend anything on holidays for a while.

BaDumShh · 22/08/2017 14:27

Again, I felt rather awkward (as he knows what we're going though) and vaguely said "yes, we must get over soon"

This is your problem. You are giving them false hope, so obviously they are going to be upset when you don't actually go and visit them. You need to be honest with them. "I'm sorry X, but with the IVF coming up and the fact that it's costing us several thousands of pounds and will also be quite physically and emotionally draining, we really won't be able to come and visit you for the foreseeable future. I hope you understand."

Original poster

ohbigdaddio · 22/08/2017 14:27

Thanks for your reply 5rivers7hills I hadn't thought about it like that. I must say in the back of my mind I've not wanted to spend the money (it's an expensive flight) as I had a feeling we would need IVF and lo and behold, we do.

OP posts:

Escargot82 · 22/08/2017 14:27

You should definitely just tell her you can't afford it - that you are sad about that and hope that your circumstances change but at the moment it's just not possible.

You are reasonable to not visit. You are not reasonable to be vague - you are implying to them you will visit and you just can't be arsed organising it. If they are really your friends then when you explain why they should be understanding.

peachgreen · 22/08/2017 14:30

From her perspective, you keep saying you're going to visit her, and then not doing so. You need to just tell her straight that IVF treatment costs X amount so you won't be going on holiday for a while.

She doesn't understand how hard IVF is and she may not even know how expensive it is - most people don't.

I really hope your IVF is successful - infertility or suspected infertility is SO hard (and mine was relatively shortlived).

Checklist · 22/08/2017 14:30

I think you need to spell it out. Infertility is one of those things people hear about, but really have no idea what it's like, how much IVF costs financially and emotionally...until it happens to them!

They come out with glib sayings like

"All you need to do is relax.... go on holiday...."

When it's not that simple by the time you get to IVF!

Original poster

ohbigdaddio · 22/08/2017 14:31

Thanks BaDumShh, I guess it's because I don't want to break down in tears over our situation and also because she asks in such a happy, upbeat way that I feel so bad about telling the truth. I have told her the price of IVF though, so she is aware of it...

OP posts:

Original poster

ohbigdaddio · 22/08/2017 14:33

Thanks all, I need to be clearer then. In a nice way. It's not that I couldn't be arsed visiting, it's just that my life has become so stressful and worrying. But I can see now how it might look to my friend.

OP posts:

Beachbaby2017 · 22/08/2017 14:33

I lived abroad for six years (or twelve, depending on how you count), and I can count on one hand the friends who came to visit. There's a widespread assumption that the ones who moved away should do all the travelling. What's more, people put pressure on us to visit them, which I found very frustrating. I don't know what my point is really, just that it's frustrating to move away and hear people say they want to visit and then never have them visit and experience high expectations from everyone regarding your own travel. It might be best to be honest, but it's also tricky when you say you can't do something because of money, because I feel like that makes all your other financial decisions more open to scrutiny.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 22/08/2017 14:34

Agree with escargot. I don't think you are being u not to visit.

But, your friend hasn't done anything wrong by asking you to go over, especially when you've been a little bit vague with her; "we'll be over at some point" etc.

So, I think you would be a bit u to get irked with her over it. She doesn't know exactly what the score is, because maybe you haven't been clear enough. That's fine if you don't want to tell her, as it's your business. But not fine imo to get irritated with her over it.

Cavender · 22/08/2017 14:37

I'm someone who has moved away from the UK temporarily and have seemed to have lost some friends as a result. Really close friends who don't respond to emails or texts.

It's extremely hard when you don't know why.

Just say that visiting is off the cards for now as you are saving for IVF, I'm sure she be understanding.

Bisquick · 22/08/2017 14:37

If you're not in that stage of life it's very hard to understand TTC struggles. I feel like I'm so much more understanding of other friends going through IVF etc after we started researching during TTC.

I think you need to manage expectations by saying yeah I really wish we could come visit but IVF is so expensive it doesn't look like we can afford it. And try to do more FaceTime calls or Skype etc to genuinely keep in touch (if you want to i.e.). From her perspective she may not understand that, and if she doesn't offer to host you in a "forceful" manner may think you might not consider yourselves welcome iyswim? I had this issue too with some family members - we assumed they knew our home is open to them anytime, they felt we weren't "vehement" enough in our invites. Thankfully we cottoned on an invited them properly and they came and it's all good now.

Twickerhun · 22/08/2017 14:38

Where does she live op? I had ivf overseas it was much cheaper- £3500 - and with higher success rates.
Could you combine the two?!
Good luck to you.

SonicBoomBoom · 22/08/2017 14:39

I think you need to be clear, otherwise she won't understand and will think you are phasing her out and not fussed about visiting.

Hopefully, if you're honest with her she'll completely understand. If not, then she wasn't a good friend anyway.

MatildaTheCat · 22/08/2017 14:42

From her perspective, she's moved away and repeatedly invited you to visit which indicates she may be quite lonely, and you've just fobbed her off with vague maybes. So she may well feel you haven't been very supportive to her.

As with so may problems in life the key here is communication. Meet in person and hear all her news and show real interest. Then explain what a hard time you've been having and how IVF is looming. Tell her about the costs but also how all consuming it is and how emotionally and physically draining. She is probably totally unaware. Maybe send her a couple of links to relevant web pages.

Just say how you value her and hope you will stay good friends even while you are at different life stages. One day you will try to visit but are still interested meanwhile.

Hopefully she will understand and your friendship will survive for decades to come though some do and some don't. If you don't tell her everything, though, how can she know?

thecatsthecats · 22/08/2017 14:46

One of my rules (which I'm not good at following) is that you have to give people the opportunity to be good friends to you. You can't just let them guess, and fail impossible tests of friendship, that they don't even know they're taking.

Explain to her properly, and judge her on her response and behaviour afterwards. Don't just keep dangling the prospect of a visit that you know you will struggle to fulfill for genuine reasons.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 22/08/2017 14:47

Oh OP. I feel for you. We moved thousands of miles away from the UK and had so many promises of visits BUT it is expensive. We understand that people may really want to come but life gets in the way and spending has to be prioritized. I am sure if you explain then all will be fine. I would hate to think of one of my friends worrying over telling me. Your TTC is way more important than a trip to see them, no matter how lovely they are. Like Sonic says, if they don't understand they are not friends at all.

PotteringAlong · 22/08/2017 14:49

But you keep telling her you'll come! You cannot be narked with her that she's asking something you keep saying yes too.

Also, she might know how much ivf costs. But unless she's got access to your bank account how will she know if you can afford a holiday or not as well?

5rivers7hills · 22/08/2017 14:52

@ohbigdaddio I think tell her straight up how upset you are re IVF and the costs.

Sometimes we 'hide' from people when we aren't feeling at our best and this can be taken as being stand offish or not a good friend. Better for the long term to say "i'm having a crap time right now".

5rivers7hills · 22/08/2017 14:53

If it is only money that is the issue she might want to pay the flights for you to go, since you will have no accommodation costs staying with her.

Loopytiles · 22/08/2017 14:56

IMO it's U for people who move abroad to express disappointment if friends don't visit, for any reason, when international travel is costly in terms of money and, often, annual leave.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/08/2017 14:56

If you've been saying exactly what you've said you've been saying then I can see why she'd be a bit narked. You've been making out that you do actually plan to visit, just haven't got around to sorting it out, rather than laying it on the line and saying "actually, we may need to save our money for IVF so probably won't be able to visit for a while yet".

As an expat who has had only two visitors from the UK in 8 years, I can tell you that it does sting when you feel that you're just not important enough to be scheduled in - but if you know that the friend in question has financial issues, or needs money for other things, then it changes the feelings about it.

So please, do be straight with her this time, in the kindest possible way.

Loopytiles · 22/08/2017 14:59

It's not just about scheduling: many people simply can't afford international travel to visit family and friends. Or could only afford it without giving up a family break that year.

Neutrogena · 22/08/2017 15:00

@BaDumShh

You nail it.
Be honest and spell it out.

Flip

1 2 3 4