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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward situation with friend over infertility

88 replies

ohbigdaddio · 22/08/2017 14:21

I have a good friend who I've been pretty close to over the years. She moved abroad with her DP last year (temporarily for a few years) and I said I would visit her. Various things got in the way and I couldn't visit and also during that time DH have been struggling with TTC and have had lots of stressful times with having tests etc.

I get the feeling she's a bit narked that we haven't visited yet and she has been quiet brief on text messages which is unusual. I feel like we are drifting apart a bit as I haven't been in touch with her as much as I usually would have due to feeling very low/depressed about our infertility. But instead of her asking me if I'm ok, she has largely stopped texting me too. We haven't had any falling out at all but it feels a bit off to me.

This friend is not at the same stage we are in life so I get that she doesn't fully understand our situation. She's been over to the UK a couple of times and always says "when are you going to come and see me?" She knows of our struggles and I have confided before that we might need to start IVF soon and will have to pay for it ourselves. She says it so directly that I've found it very difficult to tell her we may not be able to afford it...I always feel I have to say "yes, we'll be over at some point" and have tried to be vague about when. We saw her DP too recently and he said something like "When are you two going to get your act together and visit us?" Again, I felt rather awkward (as he knows what we're going though) and vaguely said "yes, we must get over soon".

Since then DH and I have decided we are going to go ahead with IVF, starting in a month or two. We've been advised to expect to need at least 3 rounds (at £5k – 6k each).

I'm due to see my friend this week as she's in the UK again. AIBU to think that when I tell her about our plans, I shouldn't need to say "so obviously we can't afford to visit you now"? Or do I need to spell it out? We are going through such a tough time emotionally and I would expect most people on hearing this would say "don't worry about visiting us at the moment".

I understand she will be disappointed but AIBU to feel she should be supporting me a bit more and saying she completely understands (about our financial situation not the infertility)? I'll add that she's a very lovely person usually, very happy in her life but not so good at dealing with tough situations.

OP posts:
DamnFineCherryPie · 22/08/2017 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CotswoldStrife · 22/08/2017 17:25

Why don't you tell her before she comes over that you will not be visiting her?

I don't expect people to go and visit anyone who has moved away, but nor do I understand why you'd say 'yes, we're coming' when you are not going to go. If you said you were not going over then she wouldn't be asking you to, so I think this is fairly easy to solve! Especially if you tell her before she comes over and asks again.

loopdeloo · 22/08/2017 17:30

Maybe the OP has not come out with a straight "we're not going to come because we're going to have to start IVF and it's going to be gruelling and costly" because she kept holding out a bit of hope that this wasn't going to be the case and was hoping her friend would be able to read between the lines and not make her spell it out to herself and others...

Or maybe (no doubt) I'm just projecting exactly what I've been going through onto the OP Sad

DamnFineCherryPie · 22/08/2017 17:33

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 22/08/2017 17:43

I live abroad and it can be desperately lonely and at times I feel desperately homesick. I have lost touch with friends who simply haven't reciprocated calls, emails, visits etc. When we go back to the UK we have a list of obligations to fulfil and it's difficult to fit everyone in. We end up travelling to see people and making plans, arrangements etc but few people offer to put us up. When people come here, we put them up, take them places, pay for everything and show them a great time. I am hugely grateful that they take time out of their holidays and their lives to come and hang out in my patch for while.

I am 100% sure that she has no idea what you are going through and how this affects your every waking moment and am equally sure that you don't know how she feels either.

Mrsdraper1 · 22/08/2017 17:45

As someone living abroad your friend may be desperate for you to come because she misses you. Moving abroad is very lonely at times despite what you may have heard.
If you haven't been through IVF it is probably very hard to understand, you don't know the ins and outs- why would you?
I think if you truly want to keep the friendship you have to be open and honest.
You two could be a great support to each other if you would communicate with honesty. You could support her feeling lonely and she could support you with IVF if you explained it a bit more to her.
I know it's hard and totally understand that you don't feel like talking a lot of the time. I tend to hide when the going gets tough.
However, there will be a life after IVF (which I have everything crossed for you will mean you getting a BFP and a beautiful baby) and you will want to still have friendships.
I am not trying to judge you, it's such a hard/dark time, your feelings are normal and you are not alone. You could become closer to your friend in spirit if not geographically with some honesty.
Good luck and I really wish you all the best, most sincerely Flowers

DamnFineCherryPie · 22/08/2017 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onceandneveragain · 22/08/2017 18:06

From her POV - you've repeatedly promised to come and visit and you haven't and you've stopped messaging her as frequently. Your main focus has now changed to an area she has no experience in and probably little interest in discussing in detail.

Obviously all of this is perfectly understandable and I'm not blaming you in the slightest, but it can be really lonely living in a different culture far away from your friends and family. Perhaps one of the things that swayed her towards going is that lots of people said they would come and visit (as people do) and now she's actually there very few actually are.

You need to give her the opportunity to be a good friend by being honest with her, both about the cost of IVF, and the emotional stress you've been through. It's very likely that she might not fully realise either at the moment. How she reacts then can inform how actively you want to maintain the friendship.

Original poster
ohbigdaddio · 22/08/2017 20:27

Thanks for all your responses. hillarious i find yours a little harsh...with costs of flights plus spending money (its an expensive place) we would easily spend £2000+ which is money we need for IVF.

Also to those who say she isn't just asking anyone and she may be lonely...she is very sociable and has had a lot of visitors already. I'm one of a long line and she does have closer friends than me who haven't visited.

Maybe l have led her on but that's just because the way she has asked me has made me feel unable to say no. Not "do you think you'll be able to visit?" But "when are you visiting??" I know that my response is the problem! 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
ohbigdaddio · 22/08/2017 20:42

loopdeloo you've hit the nail on the head with your comment, that's exactly what l was thinking.

OP posts:
loopdeloo · 22/08/2017 20:52

ohbigdaddio - I hear you. Hard enough managing mine and DH's expectations without having to manage other people's.

Fingers crossed for both of us.

Cavender · 22/08/2017 21:29

ohbig I do rather think the IVF is a red herring. There could be all sorts of legitimate reasons for saying no.

The issue is that you haven't said no.

Big girl pants time I'm afraid.

Very best wishes for the IVF. Flowers

loopdeloo · 22/08/2017 21:37

"Big girl pants"??? Seriously?

As I said, I'm on both sides of this. Moving abroad with absolutely no friends, to a country where I didn't speak the language, absolutely pales in comparison to staring down the barrel of high-cost, very low-chance success IVF.

Please.

Cavender · 22/08/2017 21:40

loop I've done both too.

I understand exactly how hard infertility and IVF is but the fact remains that this is a problem entirely of the OP's making and entirely within her gift to resolve.

One short email saying "I'm
Sorry we won't be able to visit you as we're saving for IVF" will do the job.

loopdeloo · 22/08/2017 21:46

If you understand exactly how hard it is when you do not know what the outcome will be and fearing that you're about to go through a lot of heartache, physical stress and financial cost, then you must understand that whilst someone is coming to terms with that, they do not need to be told to put their "big girls pants" on when struggling to say it to themselves, let alone friends.

Scholes34 · 22/08/2017 21:54

I don't think Hillarious is being harsh, just telling you to put things into perspective. If the IVF trumps visiting your friend, then be happy with that decision and don't feel guilty if anyone thinks otherwise.

Cavender · 22/08/2017 21:54

loop the OP is worried enough about this situation with her friend that she started an MN thread about it.

She's stressing unnecessarily when she could fix it.

Occasionally, even when going through a very difficult situation, a blunt answer is what is required to resolve rather than a "there, there".

I would same exactly the same to a friend IRL.

It doesn't mean I'm not terribly sorry for her fertility issues.

DamnFineCherryPie · 22/08/2017 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loopdeloo · 22/08/2017 22:47

Do people really say "Big girl pants time I'm afraid" to people in RL?

Really hope no one does that to me any time soon.

Cavender · 22/08/2017 23:14

Of course it's not binding Damn, but to be fair to the friend the OP has said "yes" multiple times.

Of course she doesn't have to discuss sensitive and private info, she just needs to say "won't be able to come after all".

Decaffstilltastesweird · 23/08/2017 08:30

Nah you don't say "oh yes we must do" if you actually mean "no, we can't and won't be able to for the foreseeable".

I don't know if big girl pants come into it, but it's definitely better to be direct. It isn't rude to say no.

I do think it sounds like the op's friend doesn't understand though. I wonder if that's the real issue for the op, rather than just the visit. It's hard for that not to effect a friendship, if you open up to a friend the way the op says she has and they don't seem to understand. Not the friend's fault per se, but that sort of thing does have an effect.

I'd give it one more go to explain (if the op feels like sharing it) and if she still doesn't get it, then probably wouldn't try again. Not saying cut her out, just leave it at, "I've explained why we can't come ATM. If things change we'll look into coming".

StripeyDeckchair · 23/08/2017 09:38

You keep telling your friend you'll organise a trip to visit but thendo nothing about it despite keeping in touch via text etc & being please to see them when they're back in the country.

She is probably upset thinking that you're unorganised or don't reall like them enough to visit or can't be bothered with them.

You're sending the message friends want to hear but in reality have no plans to follow through with it.

They don't know your financial position & may not know how much ivf costs & the toll it takes on a couple.

You need to be open & honest with your friends & tell them you have no plans to visit & why. Don't be surprised if they're upset as you seem to have been stringing them along for a while.

Hillarious · 23/08/2017 09:57

Thank you to Scholes for backing me up. What I was trying to say is that you should make the decision that's right for you. Unfortunately, that's not necessarily the decision that's right for your friend, but you can't do anything to change that.

Mittens1969 · 23/08/2017 10:06

@Decaffstilltastesweird, I think you may well be right. I remember when we went through infertility and one cycle of IVF. (And we got it through the NHS, so never had to save up.) One of the hard things about going through infertility is that friends and family don't get it, and it feels like they don't care very much.
The OP has confided in her friend about the process but the friend hasn't asked how she's coping or offered her support, simply kept on sat her to visit. Though I do agree that it sounds like she's also been saying what her friend wants to hear.

Original poster
ohbigdaddio · 23/08/2017 11:23

@Decaffstilltastesweird you are right, my friend hasn't really shown much concern. She knows we have been struggling for ages and I've told her I am depressed and how infertility is all consuming, never knowing if we'll ever have a family etc. She doesn't really respond or say much or offer any support (even if that is to say "I'm so sorry, I'm not quite sure what to say." Even that would mean so much to me. I do feel she doesn't think it's that big a deal really and I should just pull my socks up and get on with it.
I guess it hurts that while I'm going through this she's just thinking 'when is ohbigdaddio going to visit me?' This is a total drip feed and I'm sorry about that but I have seen her reaction a few times when a friend has cancelled meeting her (when she lived in the UK.) One time a friend was ill and sent a text apologising for not being able to come over this time. My friend then said to me "Oh. Jane's not coming round now. She's ill, apparently." Instead of being worried about her ill friend she took it as a sleight against her and seemed annoyed, whereas my reaction would've been "Oh, I hope Jane get's better soon."
Knowing this has actually made me worried about telling my friend, no matter how weak that makes me!

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