Awkward situation with friend over infertility

[ohbigdaddio]

I have a good friend who I've been pretty close to over the years. She moved abroad with her DP last year (temporarily for a few years) and I said I would visit her. Various things got in the way and I couldn't visit and also during that time DH have been struggling with TTC and have had lots of stressful times with having tests etc.

I get the feeling she's a bit narked that we haven't visited yet and she has been quiet brief on text messages which is unusual. I feel like we are drifting apart a bit as I haven't been in touch with her as much as I usually would have due to feeling very low/depressed about our infertility. But instead of her asking me if I'm ok, she has largely stopped texting me too. We haven't had any falling out at all but it feels a bit off to me.

This friend is not at the same stage we are in life so I get that she doesn't fully understand our situation. She's been over to the UK a couple of times and always says "when are you going to come and see me?" She knows of our struggles and I have confided before that we might need to start IVF soon and will have to pay for it ourselves. She says it so directly that I've found it very difficult to tell her we may not be able to afford it...I always feel I have to say "yes, we'll be over at some point" and have tried to be vague about when. We saw her DP too recently and he said something like "When are you two going to get your act together and visit us?" Again, I felt rather awkward (as he knows what we're going though) and vaguely said "yes, we must get over soon".

Since then DH and I have decided we are going to go ahead with IVF, starting in a month or two. We've been advised to expect to need at least 3 rounds (at £5k – 6k each).

I'm due to see my friend this week as she's in the UK again. AIBU to think that when I tell her about our plans, I shouldn't need to say "so obviously we can't afford to visit you now"? Or do I need to spell it out? We are going through such a tough time emotionally and I would expect most people on hearing this would say "don't worry about visiting us at the moment".

I understand she will be disappointed but AIBU to feel she should be supporting me a bit more and saying she completely understands (about our financial situation not the infertility)? I'll add that she's a very lovely person usually, very happy in her life but not so good at dealing with tough situations.

Yes Loopy but you're missing the point that if someone says they'll come and visit then you kind of assume they've worked out the cost. And then it's just down to scheduling.
Unless they say "oh we'd love to come but it's too expensive/I hate spiders/ I can't fly for that long" (all of which are perfectly fine reasons) then it's not unreasonable to think "well hey, they didn't say they couldn't afford it, so we're just not that important".

Honesty really is the best policy.

Yes, I agree. Lots of people say things to be "polite" or avoid a difficult discussion, or perhaps haven't thought it through.

Thanks all. Points taken! She's living in the US so definitely can't afford to be treated there twikerhum

I think you're right, I need to be more honest. I didn't want to hurt her and I did think we may be able to visit. It's the decision to start IVF next month which means we can't and she doesn't know about that yet.

I have opened up to her in the past and she didn't know what to say apart from "just don't let it get to you" etc. She doesn't grasp the enormity of our situation, she is also a lot younger than us.

A slightly different point of view but staying with friends isn't always that straightforward - we have some really, really good friends who live overseas (in a place we love to visit) BUT, apart from the expense, actually staying in someone else's house for a 'holiday' is not always that easy - to be honest we would much rather stay in a local hotel but any suggestion we have made has always been 'oh no, you must come and stay here ...............' I do understand that people are very, very generous to offer us hospitality but a 'holiday' then turns out to be doing, much of the time, what the 'hosts' want you to do. Even things like deciding what to eat our friends are health food freaks or what time to get up and get going in the morning can be a bit of a minefield .

ohbigdaddio - glad you've taken it all on board, and I think you're probably right that your friend doesn't quite grasp the enormity of what you're experiencing.

Hope you manage to have a decent chat to her when she's over and explain it all very clearly, so she at least stops expecting you any time soon!

Thanks for understanding, Loopy.

If you tell her the truth she should understand even if it's disappointing.

I had a friend move abroad (who's since come back) and I never visited her: It was very far away so would have meant all my leave used for a trip I couldn't really afford to go to a place I wouldn't otherwise have gone to. I never stated that I wouldn't go, although I never gave her any suggestion that I was about to sort out a visit. I still feel rather guilty.

It's arrogant to move across the world and expect people who didn't make this decision to pay for expensive flights to visit you.

If she asks again, say life has been stressful for you and you are paying for expensive IVF. If she doesn't respond well, I'd cut her off. But I've had a gut full of bad behaviour over the years so am more inclined towards drastic and immediate solutions.

Also good luck to you on your IVF journey!

I agree it would be arrogant to expect people to visit you (we don't expect it at all, it's a long way and expensive) but if you invite someone and they say "yes" it's not unreasonable to want to schedule them in.

We've had 8 sets of visitors in the last year, if someone says they want to come I need to reserve space on the calendar for them.

Going through IVF is hard I know, your friend may also be struggling a bit as moving abroad can also be extremely difficult (even if it looks lovely on FB).

You could probably really support each other if you can start communicating properly again. She's your friend, she won't mind if you cry!

Her comments / lack of understanding about your fertility problems aren't unusual, sadly, for people of any age.

Why arrogant ELEVEN? It expresses a desire to continue participation in each other's lives. It is a desire to show/share your new life with your friend. It is expressing a desire to spend time with each other. It is not a command.
I had exactly your situation OP but I was your friend. It really hurt, all the "yes we will come". Be kind to your friend and spell it out to her.

sorry to hear about your infertility OP. I can see where you friend is coming from though - from her POV you're just making a vague plan and then not coming through with it, which is disappointing for her as she's probably a bit lonely in her new country. (I have been an expat, it's tough). This is obviously not the case and you can't afford it for a totally valid reason - if she's any kind of friend, if you explain why money is tight she will completely understand why you can't visit at the moment.

Be clear with your friend, she will be understanding I'm quite sure.

I think you could say to your friend, 'We would love to visit but we're going through IVF and it's so expensive,'band you can tell her how much. Then she'll understand that it's not that you don't want to go. In other words be completely honest, your friend will understand then.

I was a trailing expat spouse in different European countries. Didn't get many visits. We had plenty of money when we were abroad both because of all the perks and being childless at the time. Not so for the people back home. I had ivf abroad, which we paid for and returned to the uk with me pregnant. It was frustrating not to have many visits especially as flights were cheap. Your friend may have forgotten how expensive life is if they're on an expat contract. She won't have any idea of the financial and emotional struggle you will shortly be going through.

If you don't go now, you'll never go. If you're happy with that situation, that's fine. However, might you fancy a quick break, take up the opportunity to visit another country and be hosted by someone who knows the area, before the stresses of the IVF take over? How much do you really want to visit this friend? Be honest with yourself.

I think some of these responses are quite harsh and obviously don't get the emotional pain of infertility and how much it takes to actually talk about it. So please don't let those posts get to you!

Alternatively I also agree with other posts that you need to spell it out.

I have been in your shoes of worrying about costs of not only IVF but also worrying about being out of the country when an appointment might come through. I know it's probably only 2 weeks but those 2 weeks are a lifetime when TTC.

However, your friends don't understand all of this. Your friends also don't know how much disposable income you have. They might be seeing it as, sure it's only a flight, surely they can afford that.

I would be up front and say I would really really love to go visit you but we are unfortunately having to go down IVF route which is so expensive and is using every last penny of our savings and income. It's so heartbreaking as well because even after all this we may not be lucky, so I am struggling emotionally with this at the moment. I really wish things could be different as I would love to go see where you live and what your life is like.

I had a friend live in the states for 3 years while I was going through this and never got to see her. Luckily she understood and we stayed in close contact and now I have moved out of the country she is coming to see me! I think it does need to be spelled out for those who are not going through it.

Best of luck for IVF - I was just about to go down that path when I got my BFP and now have a 9month old lg asleep upstairs. Miracles do happen! I

I think it is lovely that they are inviting you, I'm sure they aren't inviting the whole world. Just tell them straight how much you really wish you could visit them but you have this financial problem that means it won't be happening. As for text messages getting shorter, isn't that inevitable when people move away? They can't tell you about their new friends for example because it is all unknown to you.

I crossed the world for ten years, in the days before the internet and, being hopeless at writing, gradually lost touch with my friends here. But when I came back they were all very welcoming.

Making vague plans about meeting up in town for a coffee is rather different than making vague plans to fly around the world and stay with someone.

It's hard to say no to a short, local catch-up because it's so easy. You end up pretending because there's really no long-term reason to keep saying no (other than the awkward truth).

It is however extremely easy to come up with dozens of very good and totally believable reasons why you can't go on an overseas holiday to visit someone. So if someone keeps saying they want to come, it's usually safe to assume they actually mean it.

Damncherry someone who is miserably homesick and lonely?

Are you all generally honestly this offended that someone emigrated and then asks loved ones and friends to visit? I've emigrated as well (to the UK from elsewhere) and our home is like a B&B during the summer and we love it. And we constantly ask friends and family to come visit. Maybe it's a cultural thing? If I didn't press people they may think they're not welcome, but we love having friends and family come to stay. Of course I wouldn't be offended if they didn't come - esp if I even had a hint about finances being an issue - but I'd still keep issuing invitations since that's the polite thing to do in my opinon. This thread is making me rethink that in case I've inadvertently pissed someone off!

OP - I've been in your friend's position (disappointed that close friends weren't coming to visit, though to be fair got closer to those to who did make the effort so you win some, you lose some) and now, sadly, I'm in your position, about to start IVF, and having to be vague about availability for various things due to not knowing for sure what toll the timing or the cost of IVF is going to take on us.

If she is a close friend, spell it out and she will get it. I just had to do this yesterday with a friend who I was supposed to be going on holiday with later this year. She was fine and she usually knows exactly the right thing to say in awkward situations and is my go-to friend for this sort of thing, but to be honest she wasn't her usual brilliant self in her response and it made me realise how tough it's going to be talking about this with people, but I know she'll be back in touch a while down the line with something lovely and helpful to say.

Good luck - I now exactly how you feel.

You're thinking too deeply about this, over analysing. Just tell her and if she has an issue then it is her problem, not yours.

Good luck. You and your DH are the priority in this situation. Although neither you or your friend are being unreasonable. Take the advice already given and be as straight as you can. Just don't ever expect her to fully understand. Unfortunately it's one of those things that people can't 'get' unless they experience it themselves. It doesn't make her a bad person.

Concentrate on your own wellbeing and emotional health at the moment. That's the most important thing.