Awkward situation with friend over infertility

[ohbigdaddio]

I have a good friend who I've been pretty close to over the years. She moved abroad with her DP last year (temporarily for a few years) and I said I would visit her. Various things got in the way and I couldn't visit and also during that time DH have been struggling with TTC and have had lots of stressful times with having tests etc.

I get the feeling she's a bit narked that we haven't visited yet and she has been quiet brief on text messages which is unusual. I feel like we are drifting apart a bit as I haven't been in touch with her as much as I usually would have due to feeling very low/depressed about our infertility. But instead of her asking me if I'm ok, she has largely stopped texting me too. We haven't had any falling out at all but it feels a bit off to me.

This friend is not at the same stage we are in life so I get that she doesn't fully understand our situation. She's been over to the UK a couple of times and always says "when are you going to come and see me?" She knows of our struggles and I have confided before that we might need to start IVF soon and will have to pay for it ourselves. She says it so directly that I've found it very difficult to tell her we may not be able to afford it...I always feel I have to say "yes, we'll be over at some point" and have tried to be vague about when. We saw her DP too recently and he said something like "When are you two going to get your act together and visit us?" Again, I felt rather awkward (as he knows what we're going though) and vaguely said "yes, we must get over soon".

Since then DH and I have decided we are going to go ahead with IVF, starting in a month or two. We've been advised to expect to need at least 3 rounds (at £5k – 6k each).

I'm due to see my friend this week as she's in the UK again. AIBU to think that when I tell her about our plans, I shouldn't need to say "so obviously we can't afford to visit you now"? Or do I need to spell it out? We are going through such a tough time emotionally and I would expect most people on hearing this would say "don't worry about visiting us at the moment".

I understand she will be disappointed but AIBU to feel she should be supporting me a bit more and saying she completely understands (about our financial situation not the infertility)? I'll add that she's a very lovely person usually, very happy in her life but not so good at dealing with tough situations.

@ohbigdaddio, yes your friend does sound self-absorbed sadly. I think the thing is not to expect support from her. But also, don't feel guilty about not being able to visit them either.

Do she and her DH have children? Or are they happily child free and don't want children? If the latter, they really won't understand how it feels to be desperate for a family.

I'm not saying that everybody who is happy with being child free is incapable of being empathetic towards those who desperately want children. It's just that the OP's friend sounds incapable of putting herself in a friend's shoes, like the other friend who wasn't well.

I'm another one who's been the friend in this situation and it does hurt after a while. I lived away from most of my friends for nearly ten years and came home for every wedding, engagement party, hen party, many many birthday parties, visits to meet new babies and all the rest. Every time I would hear 'we must come visit you soon!' and I'd get so excited but then I'd just hear excuse after excuse why they couldn't ever actually make it over to see me. I know people have their own lives and you shouldn't take it personally, but it's hard not to sometimes.

The worst for me was my 30th birthday party where I started talking about it over a year in advance and everyone kept assuring me they'd definitely make it and would love to come and that money wouldn't be a problem. In the couple of months leading up to the actual party every single one of them dropped out citing financial reasons, all saying something along the lines of 'but you'll still have all the others there and I'm so sad I'll miss it!' It really, really hurt.

I agree that if you aren't actually planning on visiting them any time soon then you need to say so, rather than continuing to give them vague answers that make them think you just need to 'get your act together' rather than having any concrete reason why you won't be visiting any time soon.

I think when you say they know what we are going through because you told them about the IVF, you are probably mistaken. My sil and bil did IVF but if I hadn't been exposed to that, I would have had no idea what it meant in terms of emotional cost (you say you told them the financial cost). And there is no reason why I should have had an understanding of it, other than a vague notion that it might be a bit upsetting not to be able to have children naturally.

You seem to be expecting people who have different life experiences to fully understand your experience. Unless you actually tell them and explain it, there is no way they can understand. Equally, if you tell them you intend visiting, then they are likely to presume you intend visiting.

I think you need to communicate with your friend. She is presumably hurt that you are promising to visit but not following up. You are hurt because she doesn't understand what you are going through, despite you not explaining.

If she's as lovely as you say, it sounds like it's worth trying to explain. You will hopefully be pleasantly surprised by her response.

Hum.
I think, from your latest post, that your friend is probably actually very self-centred and has little empathy with other peoples' troubles when they affect her personally - she only sees it from her own perspective.

Maybe just let this one slide then? If the IVF doesn't go too well, she's not going to be supportive and you'll need lots of support. Best of luck with it, I hope it works out for you very quickly but let this one go, she's never going to be the sort of friend you'll need at a time like this.

I feel like we are drifting apart a bit as I haven't been in touch with her as much as I usually would have due to feeling very low/depressed about our infertility. But instead of her asking me if I'm ok, she has largely stopped texting me too. We haven't had any falling out at all but it feels a bit off to me.

It sounds like you've avoided telling her because she isn't great at showing sympathy but you do need to speak to her.

You shouldn't feel obliged to visit. Everyone wants visits when they move abroad, but they chose to move away, so the onus is on them to visit the UK.

My friend is a lot younger than me, not at the stage of her life to need to think about having kids. Her and her DH are just enjoying life as it comes at the moment.

Thanks for all your comments. Once I've met my friend and had a chat I'll probably feel better and will hopefully be able to focus on the IVF without any other things to worry about! If it doesn't go well at least I'll know where I stand. Thanks all x

Anyone going for ivf 2nd time after tramatic 1st time past 45?

Firstly I'm very lucky. I've now got s beautiful healthy bsby of 10 months. However journey here wasn't easy 6 attempts with the failures n 1 mis. On 6th pregnancy it stayed until 29 weeks. Waters broke baby born at 31 weeks. Baby was in SCUBU unit 4 7 weeks. Thankfully it was always ok. It seems it was me that was problem. From 4 weeks I bled and was always tired. Also I blew up like a grape. 16 weeks I had swollen feet n legs. I'd to.have weekly scans. I was breech, never felt movement as I'd 4 fibroids that were in front of placenta. At 31 weeks I developed pre eclampsia and had severe bad headaches. I'd 2 have emergency cs. Which took 12 weeks to sort of go back 2 normal.
Despite all this I'd like to go through process agsin and do ivf as I want another baby. The clinic is happy to do it ( if I pay) but my surgeon here says it's a bad idea. He says if I go again there's a high chance 50% thst it'll b premature perhaps even earlier n thst it coukd be even more troublesome because it'll be IVF. He also said it coukd b special needs. I'm really sad and wonder is he just giving me worst case scenario. Hence my reason for asking you all.
I was 46 when I'd baby n if I did it again I'd b 48.

I'm sorry you're going through infertility op, you don't know how tough it is until it's you.

Given she knows about your fertility problems just tell her you can't afford it and why. Tell her you're feeling shit and it's you that needs the handhold right now.

I think the issue is that people emigrate and think that loads of people will come out and visit them, but it's rarely the case. If it is close family then you have to. But friends... Unless it's a very very close friend its not really worth the time / money and people gravitate to those closer by.

I therefore think if you decide to emigrate the onus is on you to do the visiting, and not to expect people to reciprocate.

You should definitely tell her - even if she does understand ivf is expensive you keep telling her you will come and visit so you’ve given her an expectation that you can’t actually fulfil. You aren’t being kind by giving her false hope! Be honest, and she will probably understand.

She foes sound self absorbed so you may not get an answer you like but then you will know where your friendship lies.

The issue is the saying yes but never making plans. I'm surprised she hasn't just said 'i know ivf is expensive, if you cant come just tell me' but then if she's self absorbed...or perhaps she thinks you will get it free?

I agree the IVF is a red herring, you've been fobbing her of for more than a year, she only moved a year ago so you've been dishonest from the start. Why not just say from the outset, we won't have the money to visit? You either had no idea a year ago you'd need IVF so would've booked and gone back then, or you knew it was a high likelihood and should therefore have never said you could afford it. I do know your situation, I had been diagnosed with fertility issues before we were even ttc, I've had a lot of issues in that area medically throughout my life and was told it was highly unlikely I'd conceive without IVF or similar, we were very very fortunate and I actually fell pregnant without any intervention at all, I'd just come off the pill (used to manage symptoms) to allow my hormones to readjust before we were referred to the fertility clinic and fell. So I really genuinely understand how you have felt, but it doesn't excuse your response to your friend.

She doesn't sound like a great friend, tbh and probably not a close enough friendship to endure the move.