To feel hurtby my parents. Advice needed

[Xchangedtohideid]

Hi, name changed as I'm embarrassed.

I'm one of 4 (youngest by 7 yrs as I was an accident). I'm now nearly 40 and both parents are in early 70s, divorced 30yrs ago. Mom single and dad been with his partner 25 plus yrs. she has a disabled child who lives with them from her previous relationship.

I had dd1 2.5 yrs ago and dd2 5 months ago.

My parents have seen my eldest a handful of times between them. My dad 3 or 4 times and my mom 5or 6. My mother has met my youngest when a sibling came over and brought her along too, twice. Neither parent calls or seems at all interested (in me or the children). My siblings say they care in their own way (they have same treatment) and that I'm being over sensitive and unreasonable.

My dad has not yet met my 5 month old. No phone calls or messages since my husband called to tell him dd2 had arrived.

It was dd1s 2nd birthday in June. My siblings and their (older) kids didn't come as their kids and them didn't fancy a kids party- they didn't come to his 1st either. My mom didn't come as she is reliant on a lift from one of them. My dad did come with gf and her disabled son. This time around none of them came. I fairness, my dad was invited via a fb even if set up and on checking, it doesn't look like he saw the invite. He did send a card and £10 in the post (which is the same across the board for all gcs).

My husband has no dad as he died. Mil is interfering and we don't get on. She lords it over me and dh when we have asked for her help (twice) because she knows we have no one else. Dh has a brother with a child same age as our eldest daughter - mil has that hv 2 days a week yet sees ours once a fortnight. Dh challenged her on this (she lives on the next street) and she said she helps them more because they get so much help from sil family so she feels she has to do her share. She said she helps us less because my parents do nothing so anything she does for us is still more than what my family do and we 'need to remember that'.

I feel so hurt at every angle.

I was going to call my dad today and invite him to meet dd2 and see dd1 but I don't know if it's the right thing to do. He lives the other side of town and had a stroke so is now a nervous driver. He would have to get the train....but then so would I as I don't drive (and I have two young children!)

My dh doesn't want me to bother. His view is my parents do nothing so not to bother with them. He is angry and says he's embarrassed by my family's total lack of input. I am too tbh.

My siblings all have kids and I have always been the aunt that played with them, entertained them etc....but now I have children and theirs are older they aren't bothering with mine.

Sorry for long post. I feel very sad but talking to my siblings results in them telling me to man up (I'm a woman but you know what I mean) and accept they won't change. I know my parents think this is totally normal behaviour but surely to god it's the polar opposite?!

How can I feel better about this?

I agree with your husband. It doesn't seem like anyone is interested in spending time with you or your children so I think you should stop asking them. Just disengage with them all and focus on your husband/children as that's your immediate family. Maybe see if you can make friends with some other mums in the area too

no its not right - it sounds rubbish op.

forget them and find other mums to spend time with.toddler groups are a godsend at this age.my in laws were v much like your parents - it really hurts i know but they are the ones missing out.

It's very different being the auntie that plays with them when you're young and don't have your own dc. Much harder when you have your own dc, not just because you have to consider them.

I think it sounds like you may have a tendency to see everything as a personal slight when other people are just getting on with their own lives. Read back through you OP and see whether you would pick up the same thread.

wht do you do for christmas op?
is that tough for you?
i think you need to be the one to make an effort. You visit them, invite them, open up the communcation

Your dh is right. You need to focus on the people who do help and support you and learn to appreciate them. Your mil still does more than your mum and dad and you do need to recognise and appreciate that.

What do you do for Christmas? If you go to your parents then don't. I wonder if after a few christmas days with your mil they may change their tune?

OP, talk to your siblings.
Talk to your parents and feel free to tell your MIL where to stick that opinion. She wants to see her grandchildren or she doesn't.
It's not a competition to see which side of a family does more.

It's quite common this.
i think some parents have had it by the time their own kids have grown up and flown the nest, and they cannot be bothered with grandchildren.
Accept that you cannot make them interested, and move on.

Can I ask OP if money has anything to do with it?

It seems to me that you want the happy family we see on the TV. Sitting round the big dinner table, birthdays and anniversarys all shariing and caring.
Unfortunately family members often let you down and you cannot make them into your ideal family.
You have to let go and stop taking things so personal your siblings accept the situation why cant you?

Your dad is in his 70's and had a stroke and is nervous driver.

Have you bothered to see him during his illness? (just putting it out there)

I think the stroke was a bit of a drip feed!

Honestly, I give the poor man a break. He's I. His 70's, has a disabled step child at home full time and has recently had a stroke. I would seriously be getting the train to him, not the other way around.

It does sound like you are being over sensitive & as a pp said taking everything as a personal slight. Yep, they don't sound great OP but they don't signs awful - just like they are getting on a bit & getting on with their lives.

Also your parents are getting old - I have parents of a similar age & I worry about them not them about me - it sounds like a bit of a one way street with you expecting/demanding and counting everything that they do but not making the effort to think about/help them? Getting a train to see your elderly Dad who has had a stroke is fine - expecting him to do the train travel because you 'have young children' is ridiculous, young children love trains, travel free and go on trains all the time! You are being really unreasonable and a bit ridiculous!

Sorry to sound harsh - it sounds like your siblings/partner might have a point & it's time to change your mindset from 'me, myself & I' & start listening to them & trying not to see everything from the 'poor little me'
perspective as it is probably really off putting for all involved.

The one thing that strikes me is that both you and your mum are highly reliant on others because you don't drive- you then end up having to rely on lifts from others, or being visited by others. This then limits the amount of visiting you can do. If you were able to drive, then you would have doubled the amount of trips you could make to your mums, I'm sure, because it sounds like she does like seeing you, but in her 70's, she's reliant on everyone else to give her a lift, and you have to get a train/organize a complicated trip on a train with children/dad has to drive after a stroke!

What I'm trying to say is that logistically, this doesn't sound as easy as in families where the mum and the daughter drive- my mum drives over once a week to see me, and I drive over to see her.

I know it's not just about logistics and there's other stuff going on, and they could call on the telephone, but practically this is all a lot more difficult with people who can't transport themselves! Your husband sounds like he doesn't want to take you over there whereas if I couldn't drive I hope my husband would be driving me over once a week if I asked.

Just another angle to think about - could you learn to drive? Your mum isn't going to now, and your dad is shaky driving after your stroke, so it isn't going to be them that is more able to get to you.

That doesn't solve the problem of any disinterest, but it doesn't sound to me like they are completely disinterested at all, but just living quite a local life where getting to other places is hard work for them now, they have obviously both kept up regular contact despite the lifts/trains issue- plus your dad had a stroke! Surely there is an onus for you to visit them more really...

Thanks all. I think it's more noticeable to me now that I'm a mother. I can't imagine being like this with my own children or gc I feel I have any. It feels cold and nasty.

I've been asked if money has anything to do with it. My dh family is all about money but mine isn't at all. I'm not materialistic as I've never grown up with anything material. In my mind it's actions and time that means more- which is why this hurts.

Yes, my dad has had a stroke and yes, my mom can't drive....but to not pick up the phone - ever? I wouldn't do that to my children.

I said this on another similar thread, I think a big fuss is made about grandchild number one and then less and less for each grandchild and by the time parents reach their seventies, they are pretty much exhausted. Your siblings are older and have their own children and everyone is getting on with their own busy lives.

Re your parents, some people in their 70s are fit and active but it varies. My dm is 72 and in ill health and I have done all the visiting for over a year. Exmil was an amazing grandparent for the first six months then when I went back to work she was nowhere to be seen. She is still only in her 60s but has been saying for 10 years she is too old.

A lot of families are like yours sadly but I don't think you should take it personally.

In fact, the more I read this, the more I think the issue is that your husband isn't supporting you more to visit your parents. Why is he angry at an older man who has had a stroke, has a disabled child living with him and has to get a train to visit you? If your husband took you over to visit your parents, one every two weeks in rotation, I think this problem would be solved. I get the impression your parents do want contact, but they are now early 70's and dad certainly isn't in good health and mum can't drive. Your husband is 'angry and embarrassed' instead of supportive and cutting them a bit of slack- there is your problem. They aren't going to change now, your sisters are right.

I am I this situation. Don't be embarrassed. My DBs (I have 5) have lots of family support from in laws so my mum helps them, but not us. I used to be hurt by it all and get upset - but I decided to stop caring and made myself completely stop contacting me. 2 DBs picked up and did stay in touch - we now have good relationships but my parents, in laws and the other DBs haven't been seen/heard from. It's sad but much better for us this way. Make your own little family your priority and if you can stop asking for any help.

@Xchangedtohideid

"Yes, my dad has had a stroke and yes, my mom can't drive....but to not pick up the phone - ever? I wouldn't do that to my children."

You may do in years to come. None of us know the future. You may (unlikely) despise your children. It happends.

Do you pick up the phone and call them? It works both ways.

I think you need to stop wishing they behaved differently and accept that the effort needs to come from you.

Focus on your immediate family and build other relationships around you.

What you've described is not that uncommon.

I'm probably going to get pounced on here, but these things work both ways.

Your parents are elderly and you are 39 with two children and an obvious need to drive, but you still can't drive for some reason (unless there's a massive drip feed coming about a disability of your own) and so you NEVER visit your parents at all, but rely on them to make their own way to you, their young, able-bodied child or accept that they will never see their grandchildren again?

Why on EARTH have you not brought your 5 month old to visit your father who lives in the same town as you?

It is not the responsibility of the elderly parents to arrange their transport to come and see their fit young daughter who refuses to leave her house. YABVU.

Your MIL sounds pretty awful though - that was a really bitchy thing to say to you, and you know never to ask again, I suppose.

Similar, although in laws pay much more attention to my SILs children. I was also a good auntie and got nothing in return but abuse. I don't see my brother now. My in laws see the kids, but when they Get old and sick and need help will I be willing to help them, no I won't I will leave that to SIL (doubt she will do much) you reap what you sow. Concentrate on your own family, have friends. My kids see some of my friends kids as cousins.

One thing that strikes me about your post is your DH's comments. He says he's 'angry' and 'embarrassed' by YOUR parents' lack of input. This isn't really a comment for him to make about two 70+ year olds but it also overlooks the fact that the way you've described your MIL's behaviour sounds extremely manipulative - 'I give them more help because they get more help whereas any help I give you is a bonus because you get none.'

A complete lack of interest is very painful, and I am not surprised you are hurt.

But you must turn this painful negative into a positive. Their lack of interest means that you should feel no obligation whatsoever towards them, which is liberating. You do need to see them if you don't feel like it, and you can now choose the terms of your relationship with ALL of them. Take a big step back from all of them to avoid it becoming completely toxic.
If you hanker after a big extended family then have more children of your own, or wait for your grandchildren as they come, you may very well eventually have the extended family you wish for in time. For now enjoy and devote all of your time, thought and energy into your own family. This will ensure the bonds are close and loving, and your children will not meet the same fate when they have their families.

Developing very strong caring friendships will make up for a lot of their lack of interest. Connections with older people around you will also help.

I would definitely start again with your MIL, she sounds at least like she wants to be part of things, so maybe spend some time getting to know her better, and sharing things with her.

You can not change people. Expect nothing, and you will never feel disappointed in them again. It will free you from the torment and you can spend your time with people that truly love and appreciate you.

I've not contacted my dad as I used to call:go there most weeks and be a dutiful daughter and same with mum. Never reciprocated by dad although mum did call. I then had dd1 and still nothing so I felt hurt and decided not to bother myself. I was also very busy with a new baby.

I dont think I 'have a tendency to see things as a personal slight' generally. With most things I'm easy going. With this though, doing nothing (like they do) is most definitely a personal slight as they are making no effort with me or gcs and this hurts.

It's been so hard at times with the 2 dds as I do most things alone as dh isn't here much. I feel jealous when my friends talk about the support they have (and have to bite my tongue when some complain that their dm 'only' has dd 2 x a week and the inlaws do same...,and that they need a break!)