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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel hurtby my parents. Advice needed

82 replies

Xchangedtohideid · 22/08/2017 06:26

Hi, name changed as I'm embarrassed.

I'm one of 4 (youngest by 7 yrs as I was an accident). I'm now nearly 40 and both parents are in early 70s, divorced 30yrs ago. Mom single and dad been with his partner 25 plus yrs. she has a disabled child who lives with them from her previous relationship.

I had dd1 2.5 yrs ago and dd2 5 months ago.

My parents have seen my eldest a handful of times between them. My dad 3 or 4 times and my mom 5or 6. My mother has met my youngest when a sibling came over and brought her along too, twice. Neither parent calls or seems at all interested (in me or the children). My siblings say they care in their own way (they have same treatment) and that I'm being over sensitive and unreasonable.

My dad has not yet met my 5 month old. No phone calls or messages since my husband called to tell him dd2 had arrived.

It was dd1s 2nd birthday in June. My siblings and their (older) kids didn't come as their kids and them didn't fancy a kids party- they didn't come to his 1st either. My mom didn't come as she is reliant on a lift from one of them. My dad did come with gf and her disabled son. This time around none of them came. I fairness, my dad was invited via a fb even if set up and on checking, it doesn't look like he saw the invite. He did send a card and £10 in the post (which is the same across the board for all gcs).

My husband has no dad as he died. Mil is interfering and we don't get on. She lords it over me and dh when we have asked for her help (twice) because she knows we have no one else. Dh has a brother with a child same age as our eldest daughter - mil has that hv 2 days a week yet sees ours once a fortnight. Dh challenged her on this (she lives on the next street) and she said she helps them more because they get so much help from sil family so she feels she has to do her share. She said she helps us less because my parents do nothing so anything she does for us is still more than what my family do and we 'need to remember that'.

I feel so hurt at every angle.

I was going to call my dad today and invite him to meet dd2 and see dd1 but I don't know if it's the right thing to do. He lives the other side of town and had a stroke so is now a nervous driver. He would have to get the train....but then so would I as I don't drive (and I have two young children!)

My dh doesn't want me to bother. His view is my parents do nothing so not to bother with them. He is angry and says he's embarrassed by my family's total lack of input. I am too tbh.

My siblings all have kids and I have always been the aunt that played with them, entertained them etc....but now I have children and theirs are older they aren't bothering with mine.

Sorry for long post. I feel very sad but talking to my siblings results in them telling me to man up (I'm a woman but you know what I mean) and accept they won't change. I know my parents think this is totally normal behaviour but surely to god it's the polar opposite?!

How can I feel better about this?

OP posts:

Time4adrink · 22/08/2017 08:08

I think you are getting a hard time here OP, you have two young children and your family are effectively ignoring their existence. I notice you say you were an 'accident' - I wonder whether you've always felt your needs have been ignored by your family and their behaviour to your children is just highlighting this. You will find more support on the Stately Homes threads. Please go there with this issue - you will be believed.
And try to find some rl support from friends instead.

ssd · 22/08/2017 08:10

God I hear you op. And it hurts and it doesnt go away. I dont know the answer, maybe I'll look at the stately homes threads too.

Original poster

Xchangedtohideid · 22/08/2017 08:10

I don't think it will change so how can I learn to accept it and feel better without falling out with my parents.

I also feel it's mean of mil to say what she did as if one of my dds is in same situation in the future I would actually help them out a bit more because they have no other support, not the other way around which is what she does.

OP posts:

Mama234 · 22/08/2017 08:11

Yes your family sound crap.
Yes I wouldn't bother with them either anymore.
You can make people care.
Leave them to it. They are the ones missing out not you.

highinthesky · 22/08/2017 08:11

Just put your so-called family to rest.

Adopt a granny instead! There are plenty of loving GPS out there.

NotTheCoolMum · 22/08/2017 08:12

My parents expect me to contact them. They will never contact me apart from send a card at birthdays etc.

It's not personal in my case, they do it to my sibling too. I find it weird and hurtful but think it happens because they don't want to interfere or intrude.

Might that be the case here OP? Or do your parents definitely contact your siblings themselves? Maybe your siblings are just more proactive. Squeaky wheel gets the oil and all that.

justilou1 · 22/08/2017 08:12

Oh Honey, you need friends! Friends are the family you choose! My family is so outstandingly disfunctional that I know I wouldn't have survived having babies (twins and all!), moving interstate, overseas and to the other side of the planet, etc.... my marriage wouldn't be so good if my husband was my only sounding post, and I wouldn't have the emotional distance to laugh at my silly family like I do now.

Mama234 · 22/08/2017 08:12

Oh and yes mil sounds like a cow.

Whataboutmeee · 22/08/2017 08:18

I think the balance shifts a bit when your parents become elderly and they gradually stop being a support to you and then it is the other way round with you having to support them a bit more. As you are the youngest in your family it probably affects you more than it did when your siblings had their children.

olderandnowiser · 22/08/2017 08:18

I know how you feel OP because my parents were the same. There's nothing that you can say or do, I've learned that.

I agree with others who have said stop expecting anything from any of them and make some good friends instead.

Look on the bright side, at least you haven't got the sort of parents and inlaws who constantly interfere, which I think is as bad as one who ignore.

ButchyRestingFace · 22/08/2017 08:18

She said she helps us less because my parents do nothing so anything she does for us is still more than what my family do and we 'need to remember that'

Very true, no doubt, but I'm not sure I would have expressed myself quite like this in your MiL's shoes. It smacks of beggars can't be choosers, which isn't the best foundation for fostering friendly family feelings.

Still, lets hope SiL is willing to do the lion's share of visits when MiL is in the nursing home, eh? I'd say the attitude of your parents and, to a lesser extent MiL, rather lets you off the hook in that regard.

Original poster

Xchangedtohideid · 22/08/2017 08:23

My parents have always been....neglectful (I feel bad saying that but it's true). It's not like they did loads when younger and can't now they are older - they have always been the same.

Thanks for the support re mil. I never ask for help as I knew she'd throw my family situation back at me (despite it not being my fault, my parents are like it with my siblings too). Because of my upbringing I'm very independent and self sufficient but that doesn't men this doesn't hurt 😔

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 22/08/2017 08:25

I know how hurtful it is when GPs make no effort but in truth how much effort do you make with them?

Your mom can't get to you as she needs a lift. But do you go to her?

Your dad has been poorly by the sound of it yet it sounds like you've not been to virit for 5 months.

You've said openly that you don't like your MiL then in the next breath moan that she doesn't do enough.

It's a two way street you know.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 22/08/2017 08:27

Your MIL's attitude smacks of just wanting to appear to be better than other, is she also entitled and doesn't respect boundaries?

Avout your parents, I think it is a bit strange that your DH is angry. Your are not entitled to childcare from your parents. It is sad for you however that they are cold and don't make much effort. I would call/go if you want or ignore them if you don't want, there is not much else you can do. Perhaps you could learn to drive, take up a hobby or make more friends if you feel isolated?

DeadGood · 22/08/2017 08:28

Nope, this is shit, OP. I'm sorry, your parents sound pretty disappointing and your MIL is unbelievable. This:

"she said she helps them more because they get so much help from sil family so she feels she has to do her share. She said she helps us less because my parents do nothing so anything she does for us is still more than what my family do and we 'need to remember that'."

...is just the most twisted, pathetic logic I've heard in a while.

grecian100 · 22/08/2017 08:37

YANBU to be hurt OP but YABU to take it personally as they are/were the same with your siblings. I do think your attitude regarding contacting your DF is a bit shocking and tit for tat. He is elderly and ill, I feel a sense of duty towards my parents regardless of how often they contact me.

In the nicest possible way YABU not to drive yet expect (elderly) non drivers to come to you. Your DH also seems unreasonable and goady to be focusing on your DP's 'faults' whilst completely ignoring his DM's bad behaviour.

I think it was hurtful of your siblings to say they didn't want to attend your dd's 1st party. I will say though that as a mum of teens I am much busier than when I had 3 children under 4.

JWrecks · 22/08/2017 08:51

MIL sounds particularly unreasonable! SIL's family do so much for her therefore I have to make a big show of it to measure up, but DH's family do fuck all for you therefore you should be grateful for my scraps when you do get them?! What a strange, heartless, detatched way to think about family! It's so... un-motherly? I just can't understand such a perspective!

It honestly sounds like you're better off without any of them, sadly. I know it's difficult as sometimes you DO need the help of family, but if they're going to act put out, ignore requests, or even lord their very rare appearances over you, then it's not worth the stress anyway.

I'm terribly sorry to hear about your situation, though. It sounds really awful.

Original poster

Xchangedtohideid · 22/08/2017 10:05

Thank you all x x

OP posts:

thekillers · 22/08/2017 10:11

The road runs 2 ways.

How often do you go and visit them? You seem to expect a dad who has had a stroke to come on a train but are not prepared to do it yourself?

Original poster

Xchangedtohideid · 22/08/2017 10:13

The stroke happened a year ago, doesn't stop him driving anywhere else.

OP posts:

thekillers · 22/08/2017 10:16

The stroke happened a year ago, doesn't stop him driving anywhere else.

And what is stopping you going to see him?

BitOutOfPractice · 22/08/2017 10:21

You do seem to think you don't have to do any giving at all op

kittybiscuits · 22/08/2017 10:21

There have been some really unkind posts OP, as well as some much more thoughtful ones on this page. It's okay to say your parents have always been neglectful. You are allowed to take it personally because you are a person and they are your parents. I think you are right to stop trying. Give your love and attention to people who reciprocate.

thekillers · 22/08/2017 10:24

There have been some really unkind posts OP, as well as some much more thoughtful ones on this page.

Commenting on an AIBU isn't being unkind. I can see no unkind posters. It isn't unkind to offer an alternative view- that is the point of AIBU

SunshineAndSmile · 22/08/2017 10:36

It's really difficult when you have two young DCs and little family support. It is particularly hard when you hear others talking about the help they get from family. My DPs live in another country and MIL although fantastic now, just wasn't interested in the baby stage. I used to listen with envy to friends talk about how their DM would come over to give them a break when I was on my knees with tiredness and no help. I am actually quite proud of myself now that I managed to do it all.
It does get easier

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