To feel hurtby my parents. Advice needed

[Xchangedtohideid]

Hi, name changed as I'm embarrassed.

I'm one of 4 (youngest by 7 yrs as I was an accident). I'm now nearly 40 and both parents are in early 70s, divorced 30yrs ago. Mom single and dad been with his partner 25 plus yrs. she has a disabled child who lives with them from her previous relationship.

I had dd1 2.5 yrs ago and dd2 5 months ago.

My parents have seen my eldest a handful of times between them. My dad 3 or 4 times and my mom 5or 6. My mother has met my youngest when a sibling came over and brought her along too, twice. Neither parent calls or seems at all interested (in me or the children). My siblings say they care in their own way (they have same treatment) and that I'm being over sensitive and unreasonable.

My dad has not yet met my 5 month old. No phone calls or messages since my husband called to tell him dd2 had arrived.

It was dd1s 2nd birthday in June. My siblings and their (older) kids didn't come as their kids and them didn't fancy a kids party- they didn't come to his 1st either. My mom didn't come as she is reliant on a lift from one of them. My dad did come with gf and her disabled son. This time around none of them came. I fairness, my dad was invited via a fb even if set up and on checking, it doesn't look like he saw the invite. He did send a card and £10 in the post (which is the same across the board for all gcs).

My husband has no dad as he died. Mil is interfering and we don't get on. She lords it over me and dh when we have asked for her help (twice) because she knows we have no one else. Dh has a brother with a child same age as our eldest daughter - mil has that hv 2 days a week yet sees ours once a fortnight. Dh challenged her on this (she lives on the next street) and she said she helps them more because they get so much help from sil family so she feels she has to do her share. She said she helps us less because my parents do nothing so anything she does for us is still more than what my family do and we 'need to remember that'.

I feel so hurt at every angle.

I was going to call my dad today and invite him to meet dd2 and see dd1 but I don't know if it's the right thing to do. He lives the other side of town and had a stroke so is now a nervous driver. He would have to get the train....but then so would I as I don't drive (and I have two young children!)

My dh doesn't want me to bother. His view is my parents do nothing so not to bother with them. He is angry and says he's embarrassed by my family's total lack of input. I am too tbh.

My siblings all have kids and I have always been the aunt that played with them, entertained them etc....but now I have children and theirs are older they aren't bothering with mine.

Sorry for long post. I feel very sad but talking to my siblings results in them telling me to man up (I'm a woman but you know what I mean) and accept they won't change. I know my parents think this is totally normal behaviour but surely to god it's the polar opposite?!

How can I feel better about this?

It's bloody hard being the youngest and especially by so much. 7 years is a long time. Their milestones all happen first and by the time yours happen it's all old hat. If they were born near each other timewise it also means that they share memories and ties that you don't. I don't know what to say, but I do empathise.

OP i really feel for you, your family especially your parents are being unbelievably neglectful of you and your DC/DH. I have been in this situation and it is so hurtful. Aside from carrying on as things are, i can think of two main alternatives - 1 you could put in a lot of effort on your side to phone, visit, communicate, etc - tell them how much you value their time and attention and how much you want them to be involved in your DC lives - basically try to create (on your side) the sort of relationship youre seeking, and see if this sparks them into reciprocating. Or if you feel like youve already done this, or you feel it would be pointless - 2 you remove your emotional attachment to them, become self-sufficient in your family unit, decide that you dont need their involvement, it's their loss after all; build your own support network; let them go.
As with you, i could deal with it when it was just me, but not after DD came along - i couldnt bear her being affected by their lack of interest. My DH convinced me to do step 1, i did it for about a year; then i had to face reality, they werent going to change. So for some of my family ive gone no contact, with others i just have no emotional connection with them anymore - polite and civil contact but i have basically no relationship with them, and i no longer care about their lack of interest. It is lonely, but better than hoping people will care, when they really just dont give a shit about you. I wish you well, it's a difficult and sad situation (unless things turn around)

You can't fix people. There's no point wishing that they had different personalities. Sadly all your relatives are just not very interested in having family relationships with you. Accept it and focus your emotional energy on building friendships with non-relatives who you enjoy spending time with.

I think your MIL is vile, her attitude is far worse than a 70 year old with a disabled child and recovering from a stroke. She should be ashamed and her son should be ashamed. She doesn't have to do anything for any of you but to use such a nasty excuse is unforgivable.

Quesara - exactly this. I have tried and failed so many times. My dh doesn't help - he is bitter because his dad is dead and mine isn't interested stings a lot. He is also bitter because he sees his brother enjoying an extended family when he doesn't have that. He thinks that because I've never had a close family I don't know any better but I do. I also know Mil attitude stinks to high hell - definitely treats us like beggars can't be choosers. Really pisses me off. As others have said, I have no obligation toward any of them which is quite liberating in a way

I understand that the situation is upsetting but it is what it is.

At your age my mother had no parents, no siblings and only a very unpleasant MIL who we rarely saw and who certainly never came to visit us other than Christmas.

I think you just need to accept the situation as it is. Detach, get over the hurt, stop feeling sorry for yourself and comparing yourself to others.

You also need to learn to drive unless you health issues that prevent it.

Thank you to all of you. I know I sound unreasonable to some and I accept your point. I feel so guilty at times about not calling/visiting but there has never been any effort towards me, not even as a child, so it's very hard for my dh to take when I say I feel guilty. In dh head, my parents are the ones who should feel bad, not me. He also thinks his mum can do no wrong because at least she does 'something' albeit throwing a scrap here and there whilst she is busy doing everything for his brother and sil because her family help and if she doesn't she will probably get cut off as they simply don't need her. I think that's a really f'kd up way of seeing things tbh. Dh family is dysfunctional in its own way but because mine is SO bad, he won't accept it

OP, I used to feel the way you do. I felt embarrassed and hurt in the past due to lack of help and interest from re-married DF, no mum to help out, older siblings with older nieces and nephews and in-laws comments. I can also share with you that the freedom and liberation I feel now is priceless.

You need to get where I am. Your families are not going to change any time soon and you are wasting your time and emotional energy on it. You need to become self sufficient and at the same time make some good friends. Join toddler groups and invest your time in friendships at school.

I don't need any help 99% of the time because I have a very supportive DH, my eldest can now babysit and I can pick up the phone to 1 of 10 friends and ask them to look after one of my DC. I have done the same for them. One of my DC needed an operation once and my MIL played a very nasty game over will she/ won't she babysit whilst we were at the hospital. After this I vowed I would never seek her help ever again. When I told my friends they all got very upset and said they would have helped me. One of them offered to drive the 2 hours to come help me out but I went with MIL.

I do go and see my relatives and hang out with them and have a nice time but I feel no obligation towards them and do what I please whether they like it or not. I have lived in 4 other countries and didn't consult with any of them before I left or concern myself with what they felt about it.

You need to stop flogging a dead horse, do duty visits and concentrate on building a network for yourself that you can rely on in times of need.

good advice banyan

Just remember it's as far for you to travel to see your dad as it is for him to come to visit you.

You say he is elderly and not in great health, whereas you have two youngsters. Maybe he hurts that his daughter doesn't make an effort to visit him.

There seems to be a plethora of posts recently where someone has posted about difficulty with parental relationships and straight away they are being jumped on whether in AIBU or not and OP is told how awful and ungrateful they are and how ridiculous they are for expecting ANYTHING from their parents it's very heart-warming....

They have neglected you all your life from a very young age.

This is how they will always be - so expecting them to behave differently because you now have children is unrealistic.

Having your children has thrown into sharp emotional reality how neglectful they were of you. If you can accept this fact and seek some counselling or support to get through the 5 stages of grief/loss (for not having the parenting you needed), ie denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - you will work through this and have much more joyous and positive relationships with your children and new friendships - dont hold on to the bitterness - it is toxic and is already polluting your relationship withe you DH and these special early days with your DDs.

She said she helps us less because my parents do nothing so anything she does for us is still more than what my family do and we 'need to remember that'

This comment has got my back up.

This comment is a knife in the back, a nasty kick in the ribs when you are already down on the floor. She thinks the balance of power is tipped in her favour and is relishing in it. You need to tip the power the other way. No nice parent or MIL does this to their own child and DGC.

Your DH is also a bit of a twat. Fancy saying he is embarrassed by your family's lack of help. He should be embarrassed by his own toxic mother.

Let your MIL see your DD and play with her or whatever but DO NOT ask her for any help. Pay someone, ask a friend and anything but her. Make yourself in a position where you owe her nothing. If MIL is helping out your SIL then she can be the one to run round after your MIL when she is older and be the one to invite her over to ruin her Christmas.

Banyan, thank you x Without outing myself you were very kind to me over mil stealing my Christmas memories with my dds the other day. It's good to know I'm not alone in the Mil situation x x

I must admit the MiL's logic is completely twisted.

Sorry OP, your family (and your DH’s) sound shit. Your MIL especially sounds like a star. What kind of twisted logic is she operating with?? I understand how hurtful it must be and it’s easy to say but I really wouldn’t bother with any of them. They’re clearly not interested in you, I’d stop giving them any headspace. Let MIL see the children as and when but I’d never give her the satisfaction of asking for help ever again, hard as that may be. And your DH needs a kick up the arse.

I remember that. Have you mastered the tilt head to side and smile yet?

Upthread you said she lived in the next street. I would seriously consider moving house because you need to be closer to friends, schools and all the facilities you need to help you out since you have no help from anyone. On the plus side you will also see less of her and she will have to call up to make sure you are in before wrecking your Christmas.

This too will pass. Your DC wont always be small and you wont always feel vulnerable. Before you do any of the above things recommended in this or your other thread you desperately need to give your DH a lesson. He needs to learn that pissing you off has far worse consequences than upsetting his mother. Only then can you get back some control in our life.

Thank you everyone. I'm taking on board all the comments made, whether people think I'm reasonable or unreasonable. I'm trying to take a balanced view but think this is where i currently sit;

• I need to accept that my family won't change. I realise now that If I throw myself at them, it won't change anything. If I traipse over to visit them all and call them I could create a facade of a relationship, but I know that the second I stopped doing that it would not be reciprocated.

• I'm not bothered too much by other people's opinions but I can't help feeling embarrassed (I have felt like this since I was a child and it's difficult to shake it off). My friends at school had normal families whilst mine didn't give a toss, it was very embarrassing. I particularly remember my birthdays- esp 16th and 18th - I finished my gcse's and then my a levels and I had birthday cards from mum and dad. I had to arrange to do my own thing with friends as my family did nothing with me. I remember pretending that my family were going out for a nice meal with me. I was gutted as my birthdays were just like any other day.

• On balance, whilst I'm very, very hurt by them, I know i will miss them when they are gone. I will call my mum and call my dad and maintain contact by phone but this is purely so that I don't feel guilty when they are gone. I don't feel I owe them anything but I am a decent person so I feel I should stay in touch in some capacity.

• re my mil. Yes, she is nasty and manipulative. This is why I would rather walk on molten lava than ask for her help. I will continue to not ask for her help unless there is literally no other choice

• I will build my friendships and make them solid and strong

• I will learn to drive and take back my independence. My mil takes particular pleasure in taking my eldest daughter out in her car and makes a fuss of 'the car' as mummy doesn't have one. (More passive aggressive bullshit). I will get my own car and mil can shove hers where....wherever she likes as it's no concern of mine

Think this is a plan ☺️

• I'm working on the tilt head and smile but I can't do it without looking and feeling incredibly sarcastic 😜

I'm lucky as I'm right by shops, schools etc. I don't need to move except to get rid of Mil and she's not worth the hassle of selling the house for - we chose the house for the schools and transportation networks etc.

My dh does need a huge kick up the arse. Tbh, our relationship is very much on the rocks and so I'm looking at becoming more self sufficient in any event. I'm rapidly reaching a point where I don't care whether we stay together or not. I feel so unsupported, esp re mil, and I'm constantly picked on by him over every minor detail that actually, im starting to think I stand to gain more than I stand to lose if we split!

I think you need to accept them for who they are. Accept and let it go. They don't meet your needs and that's their choice. Their loss. Choose not to be upset. Choose to hold them at a distance. Make wonderful friendships instead. Invest in nice people

Just finished reading the thread. Agree with a recent poster that you might want to add moving away from your mil to your list! She sounds dreadful and I dont like the idea of the christmas memories thing youve referred to. Do you have to spend christmas with her? I would distance yourself from her as much as possible

I do agree that maybe you should make a bit of an effort to visit your dad at least once with the baby. I get that you havent because of the history but he has had a stroke and he didnt even see the invitation.on facebook so may not feel welcome at yours anymore. I think your plan to ring them fairly regularly is a good.one.just see it as your duty and dont get hung up on whether they ring you back. Focus on friends and establishing a really good circle of friends as a support network.

I agree that they have all let you down including your siblings but sadly there is nothing you can do. My sil has teenagers but she would never miss my DCs birthday celebrations so its sad your siblings at least dont get it.

You need to tell him you are unhappy. My DH's attitude changed when I told him this.

Also in your position you need to become more selfish. You don't have a support network and you have someone chipping at your confidence on top of that. I actually think that your MIL and your DH (it seems he has inherited her traits) see that you have a vulnerable spot, an achilles heal and direct their weapons of verbal mass destruction at those weak spots.

Since no one else has your back, you need to take care of your own physical and mental health more than your average person. You need to have time out, go the gym, have a hobby and do nice things for yourself. Your children deserve a happy, healthy mother.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others. Audrey Hepburn

Good luck and sorry to take up so much room on your thread.

it sounds like you're going in the right direction op

It's really difficult when you have two young DCs and little family support

Is it? It is only on MN that people seem to rely on their DP's to bring up their family. I could count on the fingers of one hand the people I know in RL that have GP's that are offering a significant amount of care. When mine were young (2 teens and one late primary school) the norm seemed to be that GP's still worked and you saw them of a weekend and they gave them ice cream money if they were lucky. I see lots of MN posts stating "I have x dc and no support from my DP's". Most people get on with it themselves.

well you must live on the fucking moon grecian100 cos in 20 years of parenting almost everyone I know has had some form if help from family.