Family broken up and it's all my fault.

[dArtagnansCrumpet]

I know IABU and so is my husband and so is my DH but it's all kicked off today and family has gone to shit.

Basically I was on my way back to the park and i bumped into my grandma. She offered to take my son (who has ASD) on the bus back to mine and i would meet her there as my son was repeating bus over and over. It was a simple ten minute ride and i would meet them at my house at the other end. Son was happy to go, i wasn't 100% but never am as my son can be unpredictable and my grandma is fairly ignorant about autism but means well so I thought I'd let him go this once as she was extremely persistent and guilt tripped me.

So I'm anxious the whole time, I rush to get home 20 mins has passed and no sign. I try to call her, she's on the phone, I ring my dad to try and chase what's going on. Apparently she's already rang him and said she's taken him to her house and he's as good as gold. I'm panicking now. 45 mins has gone by, i manage to get a hold of her and she says hes being good but is slamming doors over and over. I ask her to bring him back immediately. She says she's waiting on the bus. 1.5hours later, he arrives back. I'm shaken and fuming.

I tell dh (who is really not keen on her at all) and he goes ballistic swearing saying what a horrible woman she is. Without me knowing he texts my dad, telling him to tell her to stop pushing her opinions and pressuring people into stuff and he is furious and furious that I'm upset too. I believe some swear words were used. My dad is livid texts me to tell dh never to speak to him like that again. My mum's not speaking to me now either.

Dad told dh to man up and tell her himself and gave him grans number. So he did, he explained how she'd upset me and was sick of her interfering and pressuring us as a family. She told him to bollocks and put the phone down. He rang back and said can we please talk about what happened and how youve upset crumpet. She said awww I feel so sorry for her and dh said well if that's how you feel just stay away from us .

I spoke to dh and he said he's sick of this woman always picking on people and getting away with it. Noone challenges her. She has had a grudge against my sister for not saying thank you quick enough after she got some Christmas money. He said all he cares about is protecting me, and DC and to hell with every one else.

No doubt gran will be insulting us to everyone as we speak, she will not forgive this, she never lets go of a grudge ever. My parents aren't talking to me and dont know if they will. Im sure the fallout will effect dads and grans relationship somehow.

Shit.

OP's father definitely had something to do with it! He was the one who took the phone call from the toxic grandmother and not only apparently agreed to the change in plan (NOT his place to undermine the little boy's parents), but also didn't then ring his own daughter (the mother who should have responsibility) to let her know he had done this, and what grandmother had done. He deserved the rocket he got from OP's DH.

d'Artagnan, can you see how your parents give toxic GM ufetteted access to you? Cutting off granny is clearly essential, but please also consider allowing your parents to keep "not talking to you" for a while so you feel a difference. Also, are you able to move away? Not seeing toxic GM and her hideous friends spies around town would change your lives! It could also give you a way forward to interacting with your parents in a less-pressured way until GM dies.

Sorry you should have put your foot down with your grandmother. I'm all for respecting my elders but NOBODY could convince me to do something that would jeopardise my kids safety or security. Your dh sounds like a massive twat as well.

@BoneyBackJefferson, the OP cannot control her relatives' toxic behaviour. Neither can her DH. You don't seem to understand that.

All the OP can control is herself. Hard and all as it is, the OP has to establish boundaries and protect her son from their behaviour.

abilockhart

I understand the dynamics of a toxic relationship.

I also understand the issues of overcoming them.

Yes the OP needs to put in boundaries, unfortunately she will have to overcome years of toxic behaviour.

And the point that some seem to be missing on this thread is that the DH has as much right to put those boundaries in place as the OP does and he can do so without years of toxic parenting that the OP has had.

And the point that some seem to be missing on this thread is that the DH has as much right to put those boundaries in place as the OP does and he can do so without years of toxic parenting that the OP has had

Yes I do agree with this, especially as OP - by her own admission - is a walkover when it comes to her toxic family.

The son is as much the DH's as the OP's and if he doesn't like the bullying and interfering by son's grand/great-grand parents he has every right to say so. Maybe it all got a bit heated but it does sound as though OP and her DH and son have had to put up with years of shit from her family, and I guess this might have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

OP - let them stew. Don't contact them. Avoid grandmother as much as possible, and don't let her have unsupervised access to your son again.

I think the ops dad is in the wrong. He has allowed his daughter to be bullied by the grandma her whole life. He has to take responsibility for that. The grandma is a twat plain and simple and cutting her off would probably be ideal even if extremely difficult in the beginning.

You have admitted to being a pushover and that isn't your fault and it's good you are getting help. It is you being a pushover that caused all of this though. Your grandma is clearly in the wrong and lied about agreeing to the bus journey only (I'd also liken it to kidnap) but you could have prevented all of this by simply saying no. The fact you stood and watched her drag your child onto the bus while insisting he was saying he was happy and knowing it was a lie is quite concerning actually. You need to be able to stand up for your kids if not yourself, they have to be protected and that has to be by you. Your husband is amazing in my opinion, he clearly has had enough and is doing something about it. For toxicity that has been in the family for generations it will take some swearing and a blow up for them to hopefully realise or at least get your family out of the situation. Him swearing at your dad is nothing compared to the shit you have been put through (also by your dad) all your life.

Move on from them all and see if they (your parents) come crawling back once your grandma is dead. I realise that sounds harsh but her death would probably end the toxicity.

QuackPorridgeBacon I agree with the vast majority of your post.the OP's mum and dad have allowed her toxic granny to have access to her, and this is the result.

I am not sure that the child was kicking and screaming.

It's sad that too often people feel unable to say no, when they mean it.

OP good luck.

"Son was happy to go"

Plus 84 is not that old. The granny's unsuitableness is not her age, it is her toxicity.

84 is that old. It's really old.

84 is old in this particular case, no matter how fit and spry she is.

I look after my DGC all the time, I'm 20 years younger than the OP's gran and I would struggle in those circumstances.

Surely the issue is her toxicity and general meanness not her age. My aunt is 90 and is fully capable of looking after herself at home.

Would I leave my kids with her for a weekend, no. For a ten minute bus journey, yes. That is all the OP agreed to, a 10 minute bus ride!

Hi everyone, so a few things have happened since last post.

Dh apologised the day after to my dad, who is not responding. Turns out it's because my gran is upset about it all so I guess has taken her side.

I have been texting my mum, was awkward at first but turns out she was worried it would cause a massive rift and she would suffer consequences through no fault of her own. She came round today and all is normal we had a good talk.

Turns out gran has predictably been ringing round everyone and telling them an exaggerated story, saying dh threw massive insults around and was so horrible to her. She be mentioned the fact she swore at dh, hung the phone up and was sarcastically nasty when told how upset I was. My uncle is apparently coming round to sort dh out sigh.

Your family is fcked up. I feel I can say that as mine are also well and truly fucked up. Just back away, don't answer the door if he comes round. If he does, call the police, do not let your husband react to him.

Your mum seems ok with you which is great, leave your dad to come round if he wants but don't you make the effort. Time to cut them off and ty to lead a normal life away from all the bullshit.

Good luck op, I think you may need it.

Thanks quack. I think I'm most sad how my dad doesn't care how it has affected us and is only bothered about his mum. But I'm not shocked he is always the same, always sticks by her never calls her out, despite complaining. He hasn't seen our DC for nearly a month, usually they see him once a week, but he refused to come with my mum my DC adore him aswell.

Maybe having the police called will be a useful shock for your uncle: this toxic woman spreads trouble for everyone, even (perhaps especially) for those enabling her!

I know and it must be awful. The only thing I can think that may help is understanding he probably doesn't really choose to act like this. He's been conditioned since he himself was a child and many people (and I will use this word) who have been abused (in this case it seems emotionally, but from some of your comments on her "discipline" it may even also be slightly physical) do struggle to stand up to those that control them. It's a shame but it's nothing you have done, nor your children.

quack he just seems to absolutely adore her, yet goes on about how irritating she is.

My dad was very emotionally abusive to us as kids, and my mum enabled him. He seems to have calmed down over the last few years since he had an illness.

You know what your gran is like, sadly narcissistic (or just v old perhaps why, but most likely the former). You made a mistake letting him go sadly the reactions from you and your DH were over the top and likely what she wanted.

Apparently she is so upset about it all. Why should I care? She doesn't care one dot about us!

I can't blame age, she has always been like it. I feel a bit of relief, really hope I don't bump into her.

Maybe it's time to think about moving a little further away if you are dreading seeing her in town op? She sounds unpleasant at best and your dad is a chip off the old block.

dArtagnansCrumpet I'm glad your Dh apologised. Your dad not responding is his choice. Let him not respond. "Turns out it's because my gran is upset about it all so I guess has taken her side." that's really side your dad would take his mum's side over his daughter and grandson.

Glad your mum is speaking to you now. Re "...turns out she was worried it would cause a massive rift and she would suffer consequences through no fault of her own." Sounds like your mum is a bit downtrodden by either your dad or your gran or both. That's sad for her. But it is not your responsibility to sort out.

"...gran has predictably been ringing round everyone and telling them an exaggerated story..." She clearly expects everyone to take her side. IN your shoes I would be quite prepared to see a lot less of extended family and concentrate on your husband and most of all your kids.

"My uncle is apparently coming round to sort dh out." Any hint of violence and I hope you will be calling the police on your uncle.

Totally agree with QuackPorridgeBacon "Just back away, don't answer the door if he comes round. If he does, call the police, do not let your husband react to him."

"I think I'm most sad how my dad doesn't care how it has affected us and is only bothered about his mum." I think this may be because she has effectively brought him up to centre her and her needs. That's a really cruel way to bring up your son. But your dad is a grown man, a dad and a granddad so he should have worked out by now that you and your children are valuable to him. He's failed at that, he doesn't need second or third chances.

"...my DC adore him aswell." and "My dad was very emotionally abusive to us as kids, and my mum enabled him. He seems to have calmed down over the last few years since he had an illness." So his illness has 'calmed him down'? He hasn't chosen to behave better.

To be fair knowing what a failure as a dad he has been, I would not be encouraging that relationship too much. If he misses out on seeing them maybe it is best for them to learn now that he puts the feelings of his mum above the feelings of his grandchildren. You said your mum also enabled this abusive relationship. Please be careful there too.

You said you were getting counselling, hopefully this will help you heal some of the problems from your childhood and also be more assertive. Plus you can evaluate whether having your gran, dad and mum in your life is helpful to you and your family.

You don't need to go 'no contact' if you don't want to. You could just go low contact and see a lot less of them and keep your lives private and away from them.

"...hope I don't bump into her." I would avoid the places she goes for a while and if you do bump into her I'd just either ignore her or take your cue from her. If she ignores you - great, ignore her right back. If she says "Hello" - just say "Hello".

However, if she tries to engage in any conversation I would skip it, I'd just say I had to be somewhere and I'd not give away any personal information and just move on. Don't feel embarrassed not to tell her things or that you need to be truthful about where you are going or when you are free. No is enough, - are you free for a cuppa? No, Do you want to go... XYZ... No. You can add no, thanks, or No, not now but do not agree to anything with her. Keep her at length.

Agree with CantThinkOfAUserNameNotTaken I'd seriously consider moving away or frequenting other places. I'd want to put some distance between myself and my family if they had, and continued to, bring me so much unhappiness.

It is crap that you are going through this crumpet.

Perhaps maintain a quiet relationship with your mum if you want to but really I would take advantage of the fact that distance has been created from your gran and father, and keep that distance. You say you already feel a bit of relief so it must be right for you.

Sometimes toxic families don't want a family member to 'escape' as it causes others to question the behaviour and control - a bit like a cult! Or they don't want to accept that they have been abused and abusive. So be wary of your Uncle. As greyhound and Quack said, you don't have to listen to or accept his opinion, or let him in. It is absolutely wrong that anyone should be coming round to "sort DH out". To talk and listen maybe. Sort out? No way.

I am quite sure that any decent person will know exactly what your gran is like. There will be bullies who join with her, weak and/or damaged people who cower and side with her and decent people who try to avoid her and find her vile and repugnant.

It is very sad that your father is this way. From experience (also a fucked up family!!) it can help to understand why he may be this way (because of his mother etc), but you don't have to accept that his bad behaviour is inevitable. It is a real loss to feel abused and let down by parents and it hurts for a long time :(

Healing is possible though, but only if the abuse stops. Removing yourself from these people will, I'm sure, change your life for the better x

Hope all is ok, Op.