Family broken up and it's all my fault.

[dArtagnansCrumpet]

I know IABU and so is my husband and so is my DH but it's all kicked off today and family has gone to shit.

Basically I was on my way back to the park and i bumped into my grandma. She offered to take my son (who has ASD) on the bus back to mine and i would meet her there as my son was repeating bus over and over. It was a simple ten minute ride and i would meet them at my house at the other end. Son was happy to go, i wasn't 100% but never am as my son can be unpredictable and my grandma is fairly ignorant about autism but means well so I thought I'd let him go this once as she was extremely persistent and guilt tripped me.

So I'm anxious the whole time, I rush to get home 20 mins has passed and no sign. I try to call her, she's on the phone, I ring my dad to try and chase what's going on. Apparently she's already rang him and said she's taken him to her house and he's as good as gold. I'm panicking now. 45 mins has gone by, i manage to get a hold of her and she says hes being good but is slamming doors over and over. I ask her to bring him back immediately. She says she's waiting on the bus. 1.5hours later, he arrives back. I'm shaken and fuming.

I tell dh (who is really not keen on her at all) and he goes ballistic swearing saying what a horrible woman she is. Without me knowing he texts my dad, telling him to tell her to stop pushing her opinions and pressuring people into stuff and he is furious and furious that I'm upset too. I believe some swear words were used. My dad is livid texts me to tell dh never to speak to him like that again. My mum's not speaking to me now either.

Dad told dh to man up and tell her himself and gave him grans number. So he did, he explained how she'd upset me and was sick of her interfering and pressuring us as a family. She told him to bollocks and put the phone down. He rang back and said can we please talk about what happened and how youve upset crumpet. She said awww I feel so sorry for her and dh said well if that's how you feel just stay away from us .

I spoke to dh and he said he's sick of this woman always picking on people and getting away with it. Noone challenges her. She has had a grudge against my sister for not saying thank you quick enough after she got some Christmas money. He said all he cares about is protecting me, and DC and to hell with every one else.

No doubt gran will be insulting us to everyone as we speak, she will not forgive this, she never lets go of a grudge ever. My parents aren't talking to me and dont know if they will. Im sure the fallout will effect dads and grans relationship somehow.

Shit.

You shouldn't have let your grandmother, who you clearly don't like or trust, take your son on the bus. She basically strongarmed him onto the bus with "he wants to go on the bus I'll take him no I am taking him look how happy he is" is absolute bollocks; you should be capable of saying no to an 84-year-old woman for god's sake.

Your grandmother shouldn't have taken your son to her house, but that wouldn't have been allowed to happen if you hadn't been so weak about it in the first place.

Your DH was a bullying drama queen when he got in touch with your dad, and I'm not surprised your dad was furious. What the fuck did it have to do with your dad? Ridiculous stirring.

Basically, everyone involved is behaving like a spoilt child.

OP rang her Dad before her DH did - so OP was the one who got her Dad involved.......

It's not your fault,but you really need to learn to say no to people,including 84yo overbearing grandmothers.

Regardless of whatever else happened your grandmother,an adult decided to take your kid in an unfamiliar place,without warning or letting you know. This is not on,not even SEN or not.

You really do need to woman up, you have a child with Autism. You cannot put his safety at risk to please other people. And I mean that in the kindest, possible way.

I'm in the same situation, my childs needs will always have to come first. Sometimes that means having to cut people or short refusing offers of help when I know people may mean well but that's how it needs to be.

If there are any groups for Children who have SN in your area and you havent joined then do it, you'll find a support network and the confidence to do the job that needs doing.

So many mistakes!

You were wrong to allow your unpredictable ds to go off with an unpredictable 84 yo woman. What were you thinking?

Your gran was wrong yo take child somewhere else than she said.

Your dh shouted at your dad who had nothing to do with this. Not sure why he was dragged in to it.

Your dh shouted at an 84 yo woman.

And why was your dh getting involved anyway. If I have a problem with anyone I'll deal with it myself, I'm be fuming with dh if he'd shouted at my grandmother when I could deal with it myself calmly.

Bloody hell, how awful OP

From your first post and even more so with every update, I'm with your DH on this.

The woman souds vile and toxic and was completely wrong to take your son away instead of taking him home as agreed. That is just awful and unexcusable. No normal person does that.

I'm sure your DH is sick to death of the on-going abuse and toxic relationships and the effects on you all and he was right to stand up for you. Sure it could have been a little less forceful and sweary ideally but sometimes these things just need saying or they never get said - you say I your family you just bottle things up. But these issues are genuinely harmful not just a minor irritation. Sometimes things need confronting.

I really think you should back your DH up on this; he is trying to stand up for you, but also for his autistic son that was taken away and casued uneccessary distress. He has every right to feel outraged and want this behaviour to stop. If you wont or can't stop it because of the effects of the abuse on you, then he has has to step in for the sake of his child.

Your Dad is partly to blame for not having protected you more, but as he is abused too, he has just learned to accept being treated like shit and pretend that nothing is wrong. Sounds like your DH wants to break the cycle and good for him.

Sound times things like this blow up and and some good will come of it even though it seems bad at the time. Perhaps it will be a good way to be able to discuss things more with your parents and say how you have been affected. Also I would get some counselling ASAP to help you refelct on what has been going on all these years.

@Herefortheduration maybe because ,by OP's own admission, she can't deal with it,calmly or otherwise,

"She's lucky you haven't called the police for kidnapping."

Oh don't be silly!

abilockhart

Do you understand so little about toxic families?

Yes some people do need protecting against toxic people, age is no defence.

The OP has no choice but to establish boundaries with her 84 year-old grandmother no matter how difficult it is. She has no choice in the matter because she is the mother of an autistic child who needs protection. She cannot allow her grandmother to walk all over her as she is bound to find herself and her DS constantly embroiled in difficult and dangerous situations.

@abilockhart I'm sure OP has learned that lesson today.

No wonder you find it hard to be assertive / stick by your convictions while your DH careers about like a wildebeest fighting all your battles for you.

That in itself is oppressive.

Yes I am a bit wet, I am having cbt for it to be honest .
Fair play to ye!

Now the gran - she was behaving the way many grandmas/mothers behave. They take flipping liberties, thinking they know more than you do. If she said she was taking your son on the bus to your house, 10+ minutes only, that's what she should have done. There's no other way of thinking of that. Anything else, well, it's kidnapping but we won't mention that in case MNers think we're being extreme. So, boy should have been back with you exactly when you expected. She was wrong. 'Entitled' in the way older women have traditionally thought themselves to be. We aren't usually humble enough. I'm very humble.

As for all the other adults involved, they've been shouting at each other. Not your fault. At all. So sleep well, with a clear conscience. Tomorrow, have a little think about which of them you want to talk to.
Don't try to sort out this mess, this mass unfriending of family members. Let it work through in its own time. You did nothing wrong. Focus on yourself and your son.

I don't think you're 'wet'. Just acknowledge that you can't fix other people's lives, and let them get on with it. Good luck.

abilockhart

the toxic in this family goes back generations.

Grandma is toxic.
She (yes and GDad for letting it happen taking part in it etc.) has brought up the Dad that won't stand up for his DD.
The OP (DD) has had years of everyone pandering to the toxic Grandma.

The OP has FOG for her DDad, FOG for her Grandma. because that is the way that she has been brought up.

Setting boundaries in that situation is not going to be easy, It may be something near impossible.

The OP's DH may not have acted in the way that some MNetters would like but he is standing up for his wife and he is standing up for his son against toxic people.

More power to him for protecting his family.

Oh and if these people are some narcissistic or controlled that they can't see the point that is being made then they don't deserve contact.

@rebelrogue but neither can her dh, so I fail to see how one is better than the other. He's just boulled in and made it even worse.

Really sorry op.
Yes you allowed your gran to take ds on the bus however you didn't give her permission to take him anywhere else and she shouldn't have done.
Your husband is as trying to stick up for you because he was fed up of you being bullied by this woman, he didn't do it in the right way and was a bit of an arse to your dad.
People who don't understand asd won't see what a big veal it was that your grandson changed ds routines.
It's a mess but the worst has happened. Do you cbt around this: what's the worst that could happen: not speak to parents/gran anymore, how would you deal with that, what feelings would be associated to that, how could you reduce the impact of that, what other possible outcomes could there be, work through it in the cbt framework and then hopefully you will feel less stressed over the situation and it won't seem as bad. I'd expect oh to say to dad, I'm sorry that I didn't go directly to gran and speak to her, it was wrong to involve you but I was really upset because x and y.' That's not an apology for being angry with gran but for directing it at your dad which I think he should apologise for.

I do think some of the responses are an example of how people who haven't had to deal with toxic families find it difficult to understand the dynamics involved. It can go through many generations until someone puts a stop to it. And sometimes that "stop" happens explosively.

Quite probably the DH has been on the sidelines, not fully understanding the nature of such a toxic individual and her control over the family hierarchy, until it all went horribly wrong. And the OP has been conditioned all her life to cope with the toxicity rather than dealing with it; and not knowing how to deal with it anyway.

The best thing for the OP and her DS and DH is to cut off from the toxicity altogether. But anyone who's read some of the "Stately Homes" threads will know, that's very difficult to do. It's not easy to overcome a lifetime of being compliant.

Dont catastrophize too much. Your family isn't broken, and it won't help you to think it is, or that you've done something unforgivable. Everything is very raw and sensitive right now, recriminations flying all over the place. That won't last much longer. It'll change into a new phase, where calm conversations can happen.

In families where things are bottled, and everyone 'hates confrontation' and there are difficult personalities that everyone pussyfoots around, these situations can actually clear the air and lead to improvements. Best not to make loads of assumptions about everyone's next steps.

Give it a few days, see where everyone is at, then dole out any apologies, boundaries and strategies as needed. Look after your little family unit, including Papa Bear.

OP YANBU.

I thinik it is good your dh stood up for you and your son but a shame he got a bit sweary.

i can really understand why.

The villain of this piece if your gran. You need to learn to stand up to her say fuck the consequences.

"...she's always got to be in control. If you don't like something she does if you call her out she basically cuts you out and throws vile abuse at you. If she doesn't like something you have done it can be worse, you've always got to go along with what she wants. She says some pretty awful bigoted, racist etc things. She once told my daughter shes naughty and I should smack her hand for not talking (she's v shy)."

OK, so right here you know ...plus - you said neither of the grans believe in ASD - how nice for them ... so this gran is not someone to expose your kids to. No matter what. If you see her just a smile, a wave from a distance and walk the other way. Who cares wha she says or does.

Leave your dh and dad to work this out, if hey do, fine, if not fine. You and your dad can resume whatever relationship you have soon enough, and your mum to. Your first responsibility is to a desperately shy girl and a boy with ASD and to keep your loony gran away from them.

Her age is not the problem, my dear FIL is almost that old and is fabulous with my kids.

She promised to bring the child home in 10 minutes and kept him for an hour and half. Do not allow her to take him anywhere again.

As they say here, 'No.' is a complete sentence.

"Yes I am a bit wet, I am having cbt for it to be honest" OK fab, let's start that sentence again...

"I am growing stronger and more assertive every day, my cbt is helping me, but I am the one who will do it!"

I think you dh did well to support you and I hope things calm down.

Or as *skittkes89 says more distinctly "Look after your little family unit, including Papa Bear."

I thinik it is good your dh stood up for you and your son

He didn't do that. He rang someone who had nothing to do with it and harangued them. Nothing good about that.

LadyMaryCrawley1922 he wanted to pass a message on to the person who had caused the issues, yes, it was not right to swear at the *OP8's dad but I think he was right to want her dad to pass on a message that this was not acceptable.

Her dad had nothing to do with it. Of course it was wrong to call him.

It really depends what he said, we know the conversation ended in swearing etc but we don't know it started that way. Anyway, each to their own.

If my husbands granny did that and the only person with her phone number was my FIL, I too would be ringing my FIL to get the number or ask him to pass n a message.

You allowed your gran who you sound like you really dislike to take your son. That was your choice. You need to own it to your husband. Yes your gran was wrong to take him to her house but it seems like you know what she is like, every post you are saying how awful she is. You got upset by what happened probably also with your self and were in a state when your husband arrived, where you worried he would be mad at you? If he had spoken to your gran on his own behalf then so be it but hes involved your father swearing at him when it had nothing to do with him and then even with your gran he has said its you who is so upset. Why would he do this, im sure if you wanted to do this you would of done it yourself? He does need to apologise to your dad, i also think if your gran is awful you need to keep away as much as you can if you are unable to say no to her. She was totally in the wrong for taking him to her house but i dont think anyone dealt with it well