Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family broken up and it's all my fault.

124 replies

dArtagnansCrumpet · 21/08/2017 19:43

I know IABU and so is my husband and so is my DH but it's all kicked off today and family has gone to shit.

Basically I was on my way back to the park and i bumped into my grandma. She offered to take my son (who has ASD) on the bus back to mine and i would meet her there as my son was repeating bus over and over. It was a simple ten minute ride and i would meet them at my house at the other end. Son was happy to go, i wasn't 100% but never am as my son can be unpredictable and my grandma is fairly ignorant about autism but means well so I thought I'd let him go this once as she was extremely persistent and guilt tripped me.

So I'm anxious the whole time, I rush to get home 20 mins has passed and no sign. I try to call her, she's on the phone, I ring my dad to try and chase what's going on. Apparently she's already rang him and said she's taken him to her house and he's as good as gold. I'm panicking now. 45 mins has gone by, i manage to get a hold of her and she says hes being good but is slamming doors over and over. I ask her to bring him back immediately. She says she's waiting on the bus. 1.5hours later, he arrives back. I'm shaken and fuming.

I tell dh (who is really not keen on her at all) and he goes ballistic swearing saying what a horrible woman she is. Without me knowing he texts my dad, telling him to tell her to stop pushing her opinions and pressuring people into stuff and he is furious and furious that I'm upset too. I believe some swear words were used. My dad is livid texts me to tell dh never to speak to him like that again. My mum's not speaking to me now either.

Dad told dh to man up and tell her himself and gave him grans number. So he did, he explained how she'd upset me and was sick of her interfering and pressuring us as a family. She told him to bollocks and put the phone down. He rang back and said can we please talk about what happened and how youve upset crumpet. She said awww I feel so sorry for her and dh said well if that's how you feel just stay away from us Sad.

I spoke to dh and he said he's sick of this woman always picking on people and getting away with it. Noone challenges her. She has had a grudge against my sister for not saying thank you quick enough after she got some Christmas money. He said all he cares about is protecting me, and DC and to hell with every one else.

No doubt gran will be insulting us to everyone as we speak, she will not forgive this, she never lets go of a grudge ever. My parents aren't talking to me and dont know if they will. Im sure the fallout will effect dads and grans relationship somehow.

Shit.

OP posts:
luckylucky24 · 21/08/2017 20:16

I think your Gran was very wrong. There are many posters who wouldn't worry about their child being significantly late home with no warning but I would. And my son doesn't have ASD! Your husband could have dealt with this better but your Gran needed to know the harm she could have caused. And I don't get why she rang your Dad to tell him rather than ring you? Was it because she knew you would say no by any chance?

Cynara · 21/08/2017 20:16

This is weird. From what you've said it seems that you hugely overreacted. Your DH should not have involved your dad (why on earth did he drag him into it??) If he had a problem with your gran he should have taken it up with her. Although tbh your dad sounds just as bad, texting you to tell you to tell your DH x y and z. It sounds like a massive drama over very little, stirred up by a whole family of drama llamas.

Ttbb · 21/08/2017 20:16

So 1. You grandmother is a manipulative cow. She's lucky you haven't called the police for kidnapping.

  1. Not entirely your fault. 98% your grandmothers. 1% your husband's for interfering. 1% for bad judgment call but we all make mistakes.
Copperbeech33 · 21/08/2017 20:16

you do sound a bit pfb about your son, and if he did have a melt down, I am sure they would both survive.

As to your daughter, yes it is rude to refuse to speak, and shyness is not an excuse. In your grandmother's day such rudeness WOULD have been most likely dealt with by a light slap, and she would not see anything wrong with that.

Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 21/08/2017 20:16

Yep I agree cherry he has no social skills whatsoever dh. He didn't have grans number so told dad to pass the message on, no way should my dad have been involved.

OP posts:
kooshbin · 21/08/2017 20:17

I guessed from your first post that your grandma is one of those bossy, know-it-all people. If she had done what she said she was going to do in the first place, your DS would have been back home with you in ten minutes. Instead, she decided to do her own thing without checking with you first, leaving you to worry where your DS was and what might have happened to cause the delay. I'd have been spitting feathers at that, and I'm usually a calm person.

I don't think your DH over-reacted. It sounds like he reached the end of his tether and something needed to be said to get the message home to this woman that she can't just do what she likes with someone else's child.

lookingbeyond40 · 21/08/2017 20:20

I don't think it was a good idea for your DH to text your Dad - I don't see the point of involving him when he could have gone straight to your Gran and tried to resolve the issue.

ChevalierTialys · 21/08/2017 20:22

Unless there's a lot more to this re: grandma, your DH has over reacted. Fair enough she shouldn't have taken DS to hers when it was agreed to take him to yours but to lose it like that and starting spouting off at everyone is going a bit far.

HeebieJeebies456 · 21/08/2017 20:25

It was a simple ten minute ride and i would meet them at my house at the other end

Why didn't you get on the bus/travel with them?
How long did it take you to walk home?

You don't hand over or leave a child in the care of someone who you KNOW is a controlling bully, abusive, racist and ignorant of autism issues.

YOU are supposed to deal with your family/grandma re this
Looks to me like you refuse to stand up to your family, or even accept just how toxic they are "my grandma is fairly ignorant about autism but means well

I don't blame your husband for losing his cool over this, i'd be furious too if someone went awol with my child after ignoring my request.
seems to me you're more bothered about appeasing your toxic family members than protecting your son

Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 21/08/2017 20:25

I was annoyed when he said he'd text my dad, even more so rang my gran. All it will do is cause a massive rift, she will never change.

People saying it's all drama, the thing is I hate confrontation and avoid it like the plague. Our family keep everything bottled.

OP posts:
Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 21/08/2017 20:27

I had no money Heebies. Took me around the same time, 10 mins.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 21/08/2017 20:27

It amazes me that so many posters find everything the man does wrong.

Here is a bloke that is standing up for his wife and child against a woman that broke the trust placed in her, and has aback story of being (from what I can see) a narc.

Yet he is wrong.

Some posters need to get a grip.

elevenclips · 21/08/2017 20:28

So grandma did wrong, ok

But then your dh should have contacted grandma directly, why on earth did he upset your mum and dad over it?

DillyDilly · 21/08/2017 20:33

Boneybackjefferson - the gran is 84, she's known to not be the most caring individual, the OP's son has special needs and is unpredictable. Surely the OP should be responsible enough to not allow her son go with a woman of that age, no matter how forceful she was. She had her reservations, knew that if anything happened her gran would be able to run after him. The reason the OP was upset was because she knew that it was herself that was at fault.

Brittbugs80 · 21/08/2017 20:34

Yet he is wrong

Some posters need to get a grip

And some need to read the thread properly.

He was verbally abusive to her Dad, who wasn't anything to do with the situation. He could have got the Grand number off his wife, not verbally abuse his way through the rest of the family until someone gave it to him. For that he's absolute tool.

Motoko · 21/08/2017 20:35

I'm with your DH on this. It sounds like the whole family panders to your Gran because of the fall out if they don't.

You shouldn't have let an 84 year old take your son who has ASD. An 84 year old who is controlling and vindictive. What would she have done if he'd had a meltdown? Given him a good spanking? What about if he'd run off? She wouldn't have been able to chase him.

I think your DH was right to call out the family's behaviour. Your dad didn't even call you to let you know that DS was at Gran's, you had to call him!

HotelEuphoria · 21/08/2017 20:37

You all sound like you need some help. This doesn't sound normal at any level.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/08/2017 20:38

Brittbugs80
And some need to read the thread properly.

Just because I have a different view to you doesn't mean that I haven't read thread.

not verbally abuse his way through the rest of the family until someone gave it to him.

Wow the entire family, making shit up, doesn't help you to make a point.

Mumof56 · 21/08/2017 20:38

A lot of drama over nothing.

Your dh is a dick

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/08/2017 20:41

DillyDilly

So the OP was wrong to take the GM's word at face value?

The GM was supposed to bring the child straight home not to her house.
The breaking of trust is important, as is the back story of non-confrontation and letting people get away with things.

TestTubeTeen · 21/08/2017 20:42

Why on earth was your DH shouting at your Dad?

How was your son when he came home? Had he, in fact, been ok?

Was it really necessary for you to call your DH and stir it all up?

I can see why you were worried. I can see she shouldn't have taken him home and not answered her phone.

But I'm not sure why you allowed your autistic child to go on a bus with an 84yo who a) doesn't know him that well and b) is not sensitive around SEN and c) does not respect your views.

I think you need to talk to your Mum and Dad and apologise for involving them. Explain that you over reacted because you were worried after your son was out of contact and you didn't know where he was. Your DH needs to apologise for shouting and being abusive.

Ignore your grandma and don't let her look after your son again.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 21/08/2017 20:42

Any chance Granny was doing it all to prove you wrong - taking him for a fair bit of time, doing more than was agreed, expecting to be able to bring him back and say he'd behaved perfectly all the time, so all this 'he has ASD' is rubbish and you just need to be firmer with him? It sounds like the sort of thing she'd do.

I'd use this to go NC with her. Your DF and DM will come round in time - they've been on the receiving end of it too, they know what it feels like. I'm sure with hindsight your DH could have dealt with it better, but he didn't have that luxury. He lost it because of what she'd done and the effect it had on you. He couldn't speak to her so asked your dad to pass on the message. It's not the worst crime.

Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 21/08/2017 20:44

Yes in part I know Iabu I shouldn't have let him go but it was a ten minute ride, I knew he'd sit well and enjoy it. I knew he'd be anxious at her house hence the stimming of slamming doors, he broke her hinges apparently. I would not have let him go if I'd have known she'd have taken him off the bus to go somewhere unfamiliar. But yes, I am a pushover she has been badgering for weeks about it and I thought it wouldn't be too bad.

I wouldn't have given dh her number tbh if he'd have asked. Would avoid fallout at all costs.

OP posts:
Original poster
dArtagnansCrumpet · 21/08/2017 20:50

I didn't want to tell dh but he would have been home not long after so I had to incase Son wasnt home. son seemed fine a bit spaced out and tired, gran said he's been a little hard to handle. Neither of my grans believe in ASD.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 21/08/2017 20:53

Your DH was wrong to involve your dad and should apologise when things have calmed down a bit. It sounds, from the backstory, like you are both right to be annoyed with Gran and should make the decision NOT to allow your son to spend much time with her because she doesn't appreciate what his autism means and doesn't respect your parenting choices. You need to be firmer and stand up for yourself, its not DH responsibility to stand up for a grown woman who should have just said no. You will hopefully know for next time.

It will blow over with your parents and your gran will probably blame DH so give it a few days and then contact them all. But as I say your DH should apologise to your dad, why on earth was it his fault?