Family broken up and it's all my fault.

[dArtagnansCrumpet]

I know IABU and so is my husband and so is my DH but it's all kicked off today and family has gone to shit.

Basically I was on my way back to the park and i bumped into my grandma. She offered to take my son (who has ASD) on the bus back to mine and i would meet her there as my son was repeating bus over and over. It was a simple ten minute ride and i would meet them at my house at the other end. Son was happy to go, i wasn't 100% but never am as my son can be unpredictable and my grandma is fairly ignorant about autism but means well so I thought I'd let him go this once as she was extremely persistent and guilt tripped me.

So I'm anxious the whole time, I rush to get home 20 mins has passed and no sign. I try to call her, she's on the phone, I ring my dad to try and chase what's going on. Apparently she's already rang him and said she's taken him to her house and he's as good as gold. I'm panicking now. 45 mins has gone by, i manage to get a hold of her and she says hes being good but is slamming doors over and over. I ask her to bring him back immediately. She says she's waiting on the bus. 1.5hours later, he arrives back. I'm shaken and fuming.

I tell dh (who is really not keen on her at all) and he goes ballistic swearing saying what a horrible woman she is. Without me knowing he texts my dad, telling him to tell her to stop pushing her opinions and pressuring people into stuff and he is furious and furious that I'm upset too. I believe some swear words were used. My dad is livid texts me to tell dh never to speak to him like that again. My mum's not speaking to me now either.

Dad told dh to man up and tell her himself and gave him grans number. So he did, he explained how she'd upset me and was sick of her interfering and pressuring us as a family. She told him to bollocks and put the phone down. He rang back and said can we please talk about what happened and how youve upset crumpet. She said awww I feel so sorry for her and dh said well if that's how you feel just stay away from us .

I spoke to dh and he said he's sick of this woman always picking on people and getting away with it. Noone challenges her. She has had a grudge against my sister for not saying thank you quick enough after she got some Christmas money. He said all he cares about is protecting me, and DC and to hell with every one else.

No doubt gran will be insulting us to everyone as we speak, she will not forgive this, she never lets go of a grudge ever. My parents aren't talking to me and dont know if they will. Im sure the fallout will effect dads and grans relationship somehow.

Shit.

Surely the OP should be responsible enough to not allow her son go with a woman of that age, no matter how forceful she was.

Dilly - do you have experience of an autistic child? If the gran had already promised/strongarmed him onto the bus and he was excited about it, and the OP had then said no, you can't go on the bus, that probably would've cause a massive meltdown right there on the bus. My DD had a meltdown this morning because the velcro on her trainer came undone when she pulled at it!

I absolutely think the gran was in the wrong, and I respect your DH for standing up for you OP. I would've gone absolutely ballistic if someone had done this to my DD. Perhaps your DH overreacted a wee bit, but I'm sure after a chat and apology to your parents all should settle. They prob know what gran is like anyway, and surely they can see that he was just angry/upset/standing up for you and DS. for you.

I think your DH exploded because he was absolutely fed up with this situation. He was finally laying down some much needed boundaries. Maybe he could have done it better, but no-one else was going to do it, so he had to do it himself. I think you should support him.

Really, you should have sorted this out with your grandmother without involving anyone else. Maybe you should have a rethink about how you interact with them? Fine that you don´t like confrontation, but is being a doormat really preferable? And even if you do, does that mean your DH has to be one too?

60% your fault, 30% your DH's, 10% your grandmother's.

She shouldn't have taken him to her house without telling you. That was inappropriate and wrong. But she's 84. You left your autistic DS in the sole care of a racist, controlling, demanding 84 year old with no understanding of autism, and you act all surprised when things don't go exactly to plan.

Then you discover where he is after 20 minutes and instead of going to get him you wait another 1 hr 10 minutes for the racist, controlling, unpredictable 84 year old to bring him back.

Then you tell your DH about it and he loses his rag. I see why he is annoyed that someone took his child to their house without permission. But in his shoes I'd be pissed off with you for having been so spineless. You sound like one of those women who likes to act all 'defenceless' and their DH to act all 'protective'. You mention twice that your DH told your DF and DGM that he is angry that they've 'upset' you. I can guarantee you in the same situation my DH would be telling me that I should stand up for myself.

I think you made an error of judgment then whipped up a big drama - knowing that your husband would love to play the big man part - to distract from it.

Me thinks you pussy foot around your vile grandmother far too much.

Hopefully he told what an awful cunt she is.

Thanks everyone.

sounds awful. the important thing is your son is ok. It's also nice to see that your DH has got your back. Yes, he shoudln't have got your dad involved, but he obviously was really upset and not thinking staright as he was so concerned for you and your son.

Your grandma is a bully. You don't need her.You need to put yourself and your son first. It's tough, but let her go. You don't need the toxic drama. Focus on repairing relations with your parents once the dust has settled.

"Here is a bloke that is standing up for his wife and child against a woman that broke the trust placed in her, and has aback story of being (from what I can see) a narc"

I'm sorry, but this bloke's wife should be perfectly capable of standing up for herself with her own family. Personally I like to solve my own problems and I would not appreciate anyone else getting involved to defend poor li'l ol' me.

Dh 'stood up' for me without me knowing.

I think this is nobody's fault but your own. You allowed your unpredictable child to go with an 84 year-old women whom you weren't confident could cope, then when things went wrong you involved other people, wound them up and let them go.

Your DH shouldn't have had to stand up for you without you knowing, but did so because you would not have let him stand up for you otherwise, would you?!

He also went ballistic at your DF because neither of your parents have ever stood up to your grandmother, have they? They've enabled her behaviour towards their children. Did they ever stand up for you the way your DH has stood up for his you and his DS? Have they taken their DM to task for the way she is treating your DSis? No wonder he lost it with them, they've enabled this rubbish behaviour of hers for many, many years.

Here is a bloke that is standing up for his wife and child against a woman that broke the trust placed in her, and has aback story of being (from what I can see) a narc

Does an adult woman really need her husband to stand up for her against an 84 year-old woman? Really??

(Also, I also cannot help but think that some of the grandmother's bad behaviour could be attributable to the onset of dementia.)

She's 84 you say ??

Sorry but I think you were bang out of order, why on earth didnt you just go with them both ?? You can't expect an 84 year old lady to be able to control am.unpredictable, Autistic child. If anything had happened it would have been on your head.

You've got some major crawling to do, as does your husband. In fact it sounds like he's leapt on the issue to create a divide.

Your DH shouldn't have involved your dad, that's the only bit he did wrong. Your gran sounds vile and good that someone has finally stood up to her. Sorry OP, but you sound a bit wet. Stop pussyfooting around a vile person, no matter who they are and back your DH up! He does need to apologise to your dad, asap! And not by text.

Wow the entire family, making shit up, doesn't help you to make a point

He verbally abused her Dad. For no reason. That's not ok. It might be acceptable in your mind, but it really isn't.

He could have got the Grans number from his wife. Why argue and verbally abuse someone who wasn't directly involved.

And fuck right off with your "making shit up". I'm saying it as I read it in the OP.

Her "supportive" Husband has caused her WHOLE family to stop talking to her.

He's a prick. He could have handled it differently and with better results, instead he waded in and caused the mother of all fallouts.

I wouldn't have given dh her number tbh if he'd have asked. Would avoid fallout at all costs

And he probably knows this and STILL went on and caused shit.

Yes I am a bit wet, I am having cbt for it to be honest .

It's definitely not dementia, she's been like it her whole life. My mum and dad didn't protect us against her, she was always so overpowering. I couldn't refuse a biscuit, she'd literally put it in my hand and grip my hand tight. She used to make fun of how much I ate and told everyone I had the biggest portion going, announced to the whole family when I started my period and how I would die. Eugh.

Looks like your DH is fed up of playing happy toxic families and drew a line in the sand whilst your family are busy simpering after your grandmother for a quiet life.

Fuck that.

I'd rather be happy than constantly have to swallow my better judgement, personality and any opinion I ever had to please a vile woman. She may be old now, but she always was and always will be vile.

The whole family has stopped talking to you because your DH got a giant pin out and popped the we're a happy, normal family really bubble. They can't pretend what she did was OK anymore, so you are the scapegoat.

Your Gran sounds toxic - and I'd have as little to do with her as possible. So treat a "falling out" as a relief.
You do realise by being so weak you are not protecting your son from her?
Your DH sounds as if he very strongly empathises with your DS (could he have ASD?) - and so in your eyes "overreacted". But in his protected his family.
You have been conditioned to "people please".

Now how does it really matter if she speaks t everyone about how "awful" you are? Your real friends etc. will have a pretty good idea of the truth - others don't really matter.
Hopefully your parents will calm down - but then they haven't always protected you in the past. At least your DH was trying.

I will have to avoid going into town as she is always there with her group of friends.

Yes, I know I people please always have been like it. People walk all over me in all honesty.

Dh doesnt think he should apologise to my dad as he was passing a message on to my gran through him, not being directly abusive to my dad. Although what he said was harsh and sweary. My dad is obviously offended.

Eugh what a mess.

Hang on a minute.
OP says in her opening post she was Anxious, Panicking and Upset.
She says she "told" DP - and he went ballistic.

Was OP in a right state and offloaded it all onto DH? Is that why he reacted in the way that he did - because his wife was so upset over their child having been taken outside the permitted boundary (a ten minute bus ride WAS permitted - not a visit to GM house for at least an hour and a half)?

There's something that the OP isn't telling us about her part in this.

I'm with the DH.

Sounds like your DH finally snapped after keeping his mouth closed for years and good on him
Only thing he did wrong was to take his anger out on your dad wich from your update he has acknowledged
Gm sound like an awful woman and your DH is trying to protect his family

OP - does your Dad normally defend his Mum no matter how awful she behaves? Has your DH witnessed that before this?

Brittbugs80

yes you are making stuff up to suit your narrative.

He swore at the dad, that isn't the "rest of the family".

So back at you with the "fuck off"

abilockhart

Do you understand so little about toxic families?

Yes some people do need protecting against toxic people, age is no defence.