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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL the professional feminist

106 replies

TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 12:34

Let me start by saying that this isn't meant to sound goofy or undermine anyone's beliefs/ways of life. Each to their own is very much my motto.

My MIL is quite a 'butter wouldn't melt' character with quite a sting in her tail. I suspect this is due to the fact that she's quite high maintenance and doesn't really get on too well with her husband (DH's stepfather to whom she's been married 20 odd years). She's not a particularly supportive MIL, shows no interest in us, when we meet it's all about her. We've had a helluvalotta stress lately with fertility issues and she never enquiries. That's fine. I can deal with that. She has three sons and is the kind of woman who loves to act all delicate and fragile. DH has come find her quite annoying.

One thing bugs me beyond belief and I think I need to say something next time. We are polar opposites to be fair (that's fine, I know you don't have to be completely similar to get on). I work full time in a very specialised role but condense my hours into three days and work mainly from home. My work is mentally taxing but I don't feel stressed by it and feel quite lucky to have this set up. I happen to like pottering round the house, keeping a tidy home and, shock horror, I take pleasure in making a nice dinner for my wonderful husband (who is the kindest man and has been an angel throughout our very distressing experience of infertility) when he gets home. I do everything around the house but because I keep on top of it, it doesn't take much time. DH does things if I ask him/if I'm unwell etc etc so I'm happy with this.

MIL talks at any opportunity about how much she hates it when there is "inequality in couples". "Why do you do it?!" She cries. We went to hers last night, she sat on her arse all day (she has been retired since she was 50 and is now 58, her DH works full time) while her DH did the dinner and had done the housework that morning. She told a lengthy story about how she "didn't mind her sons new gf" but "only downside is that she does EVERYTHING for him already". Sigh. I didn't say anything. She'll always say "maybe I'm just a boring old feminist but....". I need to call her out on it but WIBU to do so?? I'm probably projecting on this one subject as an excuse to challenge her. Really I think she's a self centred bore who thinks only of herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 12:35

Goofy - I meant GOADY 😂

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maxthemartian · 21/08/2017 12:37

Well I suppose it makes a change from MILs who all but wipe their son's arses for them till age 30 then turn them loose to make some unsuspecting mug of a woman's life a misery.

Original poster
TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 12:39

Yes definitely but she never does anything for anyone. She's selfish to the core and tries to make her own daughter in law feel like some downtrodden idiot for not acting similarly.

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SaucyJack · 21/08/2017 12:42

I wouldn't get too hung up on the feminist label aspect. It isn't actually especially relevant.

She's just one of those people who needs something to feel superior to others about. You can't change that about her.

needmymouthsewnup · 21/08/2017 12:42

Are you and your fil not similar though? You say you work a full time job condensed into 3 days but still do everything around the house and your DH does nothing unless asked... You say you're happy to do this, but maybe your fil is too? I guess it whatever works for them/you at the end of the day. I'd feel a bit disappointed if my son did nothing and was happy to have a wife who waited on him (regardless of how much she enjoyed it) to be honest, but I would also expect her to want to get off her arse too and help your fil!

DixieFlatline · 21/08/2017 12:44

I'm struggling to see what exactly it is about her behaviour you have a problem with, to the extent that you feel the need to 'call her out'. Is engaging in conversation not a thing anymore?

Original poster
TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 12:45

Good point but all he does is moan about it!! Made for a pretty uncomfortable dinner with him huffing every five minutes. Her excuse is "I was the main breadwinner for years". DH did recently paint our entire house in 5 weeks and does all the DIY. Not because I can't but I am genuinely shit at things like this and need painting to be done perfectly with crisp edges!!! 😬😬😬

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Painfulpain · 21/08/2017 12:45

Jeezus, I'd be helluva ashamed if I raised a son, who let his wife do all the housework

Original poster
TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 12:46

Not calling her out as such but it's fairly irritating that she is so hung up on it and it is plain to see that it's a constant dig at me.

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Painfulpain · 21/08/2017 12:47

Yy, I agree with Dixie there is no 'calling out' to be done, here

Original poster
TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 12:47

Painful pain - it's all done by the time he gets home. I'm not waiting til 7pm (he leaves at 6am and returns at 7-8pm every evening) just for him to do some hoovering so I don't look like a "pushover"

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Loopytiles · 21/08/2017 12:47

The issue is not that she's a feminist, it's that for the reasons you've given you don't like MIL much and she is espousing unsolicited opinions that suggest judgment of your doing all the domestic work. Which is rude of her.

Doing the vast majority of the domestic work might work OK for you NOW, but might not if you have DC. In friends' experience men who before becoming fathers are waited on at home often don't wish to start doing more when DC arrive.

maxthemartian · 21/08/2017 12:47

Do you have children? If not I suspect you'll rapidly lose patience with doing everything round the house. I suggest you nip it in the bud now.

Babbitywabbit · 21/08/2017 12:48

If she sits on her arse all day while her husband works, and then moans about others, I assume her set-up isn't as harmonious as she might want you to believe. Maybe he husband is pig sick of her being so lazy and trying to turn it into some sort of feminist virtue.

People rarely bother too much with what other people do unless they're unhappy themselves. Personally I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of engaging with it.
Smile sweetly and say isn't it wonderful that you and dh are so happy together

notanotherNC · 21/08/2017 12:49

I would too be embarrassed if my son grew up and had his wife doing everything. She probably just wants you to know that this isn't how she raised him!

Original poster
TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 12:50

Loopy - thanks. I get where you're coming from. During our last IVF attempt, DH would get in from work at 8pm most evenings and do everything. Shopping, cooking, cleaning the lot. He wouldn't be done til 11pm most nights. He insisted. And frankly my only priority was making my embryos stick so I happily obliged. This continued for 7 weeks until our MC and he continued to do all this for many weeks after. There is no issue with his willingness.

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brasty · 21/08/2017 12:52

Yes agree that she just wants you to know this is not how she raised him. But tbh in terms of in laws, this is pretty mild annoying stuff. Just ignore.

Dina1234 · 21/08/2017 12:53

Telling other women what to do/judging them for their voluntary lifestyle choices makes you a bit of a shitty feminist doesn't it?

WorraLiberty · 21/08/2017 12:53

DIY isn't daily drudge work though is it?

If your DH is happy to do nothing other than go to work and have you take care of absolutely everything for him, then the very least I would expect is some DIY every now and then.

Ditto to expecting him to be supportive throughout the fertility issues.

She should mind her own business though and bite her tongue, as I would if I knew you in RL.

Original poster
TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 12:54

Oh this is the tip of the iceberg with her but wouldn't be helpful to list everything. This one issue bugs me though. Not because it hits a nerve but because of all the things I am doing to keep my life ticking over right now, she chooses to undermine me rather than be grateful her son is with someone who loves him and like to make his life a bit easier, she would rather put me down than be supportive. Of all the things we should be focussing on right now, I am enraged that she is doing this.

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brasty · 21/08/2017 12:55

Then tell her maybe?

Flyingflipflop · 21/08/2017 12:56

Anyone else wondering what username the MIL is under?!

WorraLiberty · 21/08/2017 12:56

She should be grateful that you're waiting on her son, hand and foot?

I'm not sure about that. Perhaps she's worried about any DC coming along and him continuing to do nothing in the home?

brasty · 21/08/2017 12:58

If I was your MIL, I would judge too. But I would be less likely to say anything.
Honestly though you are naive to think people don't judge. People judge all the time. All you can do is let her know that her comments upset you.

Original poster
TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 12:58

i really couldn't give a shit what other women do. It's not me who has the issue. But I will obviously compare when I am ridiculed by her at every opportunity. And well, if her behaviour makes her a 'feminist' (I thought the concept was more complex) then I am not a feminist.

Words - we bought a massively ambitious "do-er upper". There is always plenty to do. Her issue is with "housework". It is fucking easy to clean a bathroom and push a Hooverville round. Takes me an hour a day.

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