MIL the professional feminist

[TipsNotHacks]

Let me start by saying that this isn't meant to sound goofy or undermine anyone's beliefs/ways of life. Each to their own is very much my motto.

My MIL is quite a 'butter wouldn't melt' character with quite a sting in her tail. I suspect this is due to the fact that she's quite high maintenance and doesn't really get on too well with her husband (DH's stepfather to whom she's been married 20 odd years). She's not a particularly supportive MIL, shows no interest in us, when we meet it's all about her. We've had a helluvalotta stress lately with fertility issues and she never enquiries. That's fine. I can deal with that. She has three sons and is the kind of woman who loves to act all delicate and fragile. DH has come find her quite annoying.

One thing bugs me beyond belief and I think I need to say something next time. We are polar opposites to be fair (that's fine, I know you don't have to be completely similar to get on). I work full time in a very specialised role but condense my hours into three days and work mainly from home. My work is mentally taxing but I don't feel stressed by it and feel quite lucky to have this set up. I happen to like pottering round the house, keeping a tidy home and, shock horror, I take pleasure in making a nice dinner for my wonderful husband (who is the kindest man and has been an angel throughout our very distressing experience of infertility) when he gets home. I do everything around the house but because I keep on top of it, it doesn't take much time. DH does things if I ask him/if I'm unwell etc etc so I'm happy with this.

MIL talks at any opportunity about how much she hates it when there is "inequality in couples". "Why do you do it?!" She cries. We went to hers last night, she sat on her arse all day (she has been retired since she was 50 and is now 58, her DH works full time) while her DH did the dinner and had done the housework that morning. She told a lengthy story about how she "didn't mind her sons new gf" but "only downside is that she does EVERYTHING for him already". Sigh. I didn't say anything. She'll always say "maybe I'm just a boring old feminist but....". I need to call her out on it but WIBU to do so?? I'm probably projecting on this one subject as an excuse to challenge her. Really I think she's a self centred bore who thinks only of herself.

lets hope this thread hasnt totally put the op off Mn forever

what the fucks wrong with some of you?? so bloody what if the op likes doing the housework or buys gusto whatever that is, she can do what the fuck she likes. and telling her how her life will be if she does have kids is beyond ridiculous, how do you know what it'll be like, do you actually know her in RL?

seriously, a lot of you here come across as sanctimonious arses.

my life's as boring as fuck but when I need to come on MN and rip someone apart for kicks I'll know its time I did something about it.

OP, your post about your husband laying flooring and doing gardenenjbg while you do cooking and cleaning makes it sound as though you're quite a gender traditionalist. Maybe this is part of what your MIL is reacting to in your dynamic?

BTW please do not think that her not asking about your fertility treatment means she is not interested or does not care. She may not know that you want to talk about it openly. Some people do not wish to discuss (what can be an emotionally raw experience) with anyone. She may be trying to protect your privacy/emotions/pride/whatever/be unsure of timings - hence not asking. I have to be honest I was a little like this with DBIL and DSIL - unsure of what/when/how to ask.

I thought being a feminist was about having a choice. If op's choice is do the housework whilst her dh does other stuff then that is fine. If her dh was insisting on this arrangement that would be different. I think I would have to say something to MIL like "Our domestic arrangments are our business, sorry if you feel it makes you feel lazy, leaving it all to FIL."

I literally want to smash my head into the wall whenever I hear anyone bleat about how feminism is about choice.

rip someone apart for kicks

FFS, no one has been ripped apart.

The OP comes pretty full on, shouting the odds about her need to "call her horrible faux feminist MIL out" and asked if SWBU.

Folk replied, and not all of them were i agreement with her.

OP gets upset.

It hardly ripping her apart.

yes she was and she wants to close down her MN account now

thats what being ripped apart does to you

She doesn't sound feminist per se. Just keen for others to follow her lifestyle.

It's not feminist to do nothing while someone else works. Feminism is about both parties respecting each other fully and neither one treating the other as a drudge (among other things!)

I come at this from a very different angle from the OP. And from where I am sitting, women assuming that they are responsible for housework and men assuming the same IS NOT NEUTRAL.

If you do a mere half an hour's work every day that your man doesn't do - assuming a 5 day week, a 47 week working year, leaving weekends and holidays out entirely (which is pretty damned optimistic) - you will do something like 120 hours a year that your husband doesn't do. This is about THREE AND A HALF WORKING WEEKS (Assuming a 35 hour week) in EVERY YEAR that you are working and your husband isn't. This is the equivalent of getting back from your joint 2 weeks off in the summer and staying at home for most of September - learning a language, recording an album, writing some stories, seeing your friends, getting really fit - whatever you would do with that time - while your husband goes to work every day. This is what most men do to their partners. Most men have the equivalent of nearly a month a year to please themselves that their partners don't have.

half an hour isn't even the true reality of it.

It is not neutral.

Obviously everyone lives differently. And it isn't necessarily the case that Tip's husband will live like this when they have children. But the MIL is, I reckon, onto something

She sounds fab!

I'd hazard a guess that most of these posters who work part time and do all housework, would do all the housework if they worked full time too!

Stop going or complain to the manager about her. I'd complain - it would be a shame to not be able to go to your favourite restaurant.

Sorry - wrong thread!

I don't get what she has said wrong to be honest.

And I would hate it if my MIL kept poking her nose in about fertility - so you are in a minority there in wanting to be asked about it I suspect.

This thread is hilarious. Whenever the housework issue comes up, the NM party line is that both partners should subtract time spent commuting/working/directly supervising children and then divvy up the housework so each partner gets an equal share of downtime.

The OP works part time. Even if she does an extra hour every day on stuff round the house, that's 7 hours a week. In other words, she still has more free time than her dh.

I can well believe not everyone would want the same set up - I prefer A more equal balance of working/ domestic things with my dh but that's a matter for the couple, not for the MIL to make barbed comments.

'I work full time'
The op.

yes she was and she wants to close down her MN account now

thats what being ripped apart does to you

A profession of an intention to flounce is not proof of having been 'ripped apart'.

Floisme- she later clarified that she works mon- weds, 8 to 6. That is not full time.

I wonder why she clearly stated she worked full time in her top then. Especially given the significance.

in her op.

It was odd; she said she did full time compressed into 3 days, which sounded unlikely to me unless she was working exceptionally long days. When she clarified her actual Hours, she said only 8-6 so a pretty typical working day tbh, but only 3 days a week. Therefore it seems entirely reasonable that she spends several hours a week on housework and cooking, especially given that her husband is working longer hours 5 days a week.

Dixie, you can keep your face to yourself. The op was clearly upset, she wasn't flouncing. If thats not being ripped apart then what is?

The main premise of her op was that she worked full time but also did everything around the house so yes it was very odd.

why is the over riding issue here how much housework the op does and not the fact her MIL is ignoring her and her dh's fertility issues and instead always making snide remarks to her?

Jesus I wasn't going to reply further but seeing as some of you are so hung up on this I'm happy to clarify -

• usually work full time hours as a network engineer (actually a v make dominated environment which may be of interest given some of your preconceptions about me being somewhat gender-obsessed). Bit of a habit to say that I work full time. My last round of ivf caused some very significant, irreparable damage and to describe would be very outing so I have decreased my hours very recently. That's not to say I don't do extra hours on top of this regularly.
• like I said, I have taken an emotional beating over the past 4 years of infertility. I am being deadly serious when I tell people that I feel like this could cost me my life, the pain is so extreme). understanding of this issue is so poor and this thread demonstrates that. This is very difficult to deal with on a daily basis.
• my MIL constantly makes spiteful comments. That is not up for dispute, it is fact. It is not helpful to mention them all because I don't need validation that I am right on those points. I was just interested to hear people's points on this subject.
• I read constantly of drip feeding on here so was keen to not do that. My Mil is a spiteful cunt and this is the top of the iceberg.

On reflection I was absolutely daft to write this on the internet. Self indulgent and stupid. I don't need strangers to tell me that my mil is a selfish, nasty bitch. And not because she doesn't do housework. I really wish I hadn't posted here because I have strangely stewed over this all afternoon. I don't hope to achieve anything here but I am not the person I once was and this month has been diabolical in particular.

Not out for sympathy, truly. But the hair splitting in some of these posts has really riled me.

I admire you for coming back op and I hope some of you here are bloody ashamed of yourselves.