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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL the professional feminist

106 replies

TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 12:34

Let me start by saying that this isn't meant to sound goofy or undermine anyone's beliefs/ways of life. Each to their own is very much my motto.

My MIL is quite a 'butter wouldn't melt' character with quite a sting in her tail. I suspect this is due to the fact that she's quite high maintenance and doesn't really get on too well with her husband (DH's stepfather to whom she's been married 20 odd years). She's not a particularly supportive MIL, shows no interest in us, when we meet it's all about her. We've had a helluvalotta stress lately with fertility issues and she never enquiries. That's fine. I can deal with that. She has three sons and is the kind of woman who loves to act all delicate and fragile. DH has come find her quite annoying.

One thing bugs me beyond belief and I think I need to say something next time. We are polar opposites to be fair (that's fine, I know you don't have to be completely similar to get on). I work full time in a very specialised role but condense my hours into three days and work mainly from home. My work is mentally taxing but I don't feel stressed by it and feel quite lucky to have this set up. I happen to like pottering round the house, keeping a tidy home and, shock horror, I take pleasure in making a nice dinner for my wonderful husband (who is the kindest man and has been an angel throughout our very distressing experience of infertility) when he gets home. I do everything around the house but because I keep on top of it, it doesn't take much time. DH does things if I ask him/if I'm unwell etc etc so I'm happy with this.

MIL talks at any opportunity about how much she hates it when there is "inequality in couples". "Why do you do it?!" She cries. We went to hers last night, she sat on her arse all day (she has been retired since she was 50 and is now 58, her DH works full time) while her DH did the dinner and had done the housework that morning. She told a lengthy story about how she "didn't mind her sons new gf" but "only downside is that she does EVERYTHING for him already". Sigh. I didn't say anything. She'll always say "maybe I'm just a boring old feminist but....". I need to call her out on it but WIBU to do so?? I'm probably projecting on this one subject as an excuse to challenge her. Really I think she's a self centred bore who thinks only of herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 13:00

Worra- she is not concerned one bit about any DC which may come along.

OP posts:
Babbitywabbit · 21/08/2017 13:01

Hang on- the OP said she works full time but it's condensed info 3 days and lots of working from home. Perhaps it would be helpful if she gave more detail of her actual
Working hours, but I'm assuming she's actually spending far fewer hours commuting and working than her dh? And
Assuming that's the case, surely it's reasonable that she does do more in the home. She's said the housework is very little, and if it's just the two of them that's probably true. Pre children, it took about 2 hours to clean our house top to bottom- small house, we were both out at work all day. If the OP and her dh have kids I expect things will change.

Original poster
TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 13:01

Hoover. What is wrong with this phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 13:02

Yes - I work mon - wed from 8am - 6pm. Easy peasy.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/08/2017 13:03

It is fucking easy to clean a bathroom and push a Hooverville round. Takes me an hour a day.

So why doesn't your DH put in an hour every now and then? Confused

Either way, if you're happy with your life, I wouldn't worry about what anyone else thinks about it.

Does your Husband know how much his Mum is upsetting you? What has he said to her about it?

Urubu · 21/08/2017 13:07

You could tell her that feminism is saying that both adults living in a house are equally reponsible of the housework. Is it not saying that one has more responsability because of their sex, be it male or female.

Mountainviewloo · 21/08/2017 13:08

I think it's great she calls her son out on not pulling his weight.

Original poster
TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 13:09

You seriously don't think he touches the hoover all year? Of course he does! I'm talking about this being on a regular basis. I do it the majority of the time. It's done before he gets in. I don't keep a tally of how often he does it. Before he left this morning, he made coffee in the machine and then took it apart and chucked it in the dishwasher along with other bits.

OP posts:
Original poster
TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 13:10

Mountain - but he DOES!!!!

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fullofhope03 · 21/08/2017 13:10

From what I can gather, she sounds rather hypocritical.
And definately not a feminist either.
You could call her out on her ways, but Im not sure it would be a good idea. Perhaps you could just be happy and content that you have a good marriage that works for you and your lovely husband - Lucky you! Smile xx

Mountainviewloo · 21/08/2017 13:10

But you've just said you do the majority of the housework, so clearly he doesn't.

Apachepony · 21/08/2017 13:11

I think I would be dismayed if, having raised my sons to participate equally in the home, they met someone who did everything in the home, and moreover, considered me lazy and selfish for not doing the same (reading between the lines). I would keep my thoughts to myself however - although is there a little bit of her trying to justify herself too, if she feels that you - and possibly now your husband - judge her for not doing more? It is true that to each their own, but I do find that the expectation that women will do all the domestic work in their own home can impact negatively on me - it raises expectations in men for a start, they can point to others arrangements to argue that it is normal etc. Did your husband only start to find her annoying when he met you?

fullofhope03 · 21/08/2017 13:13

Spot on Urubu !

Original poster
TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 13:13

Read my previous posts and you will see that this isn't the case. All I am guilty of is being such a shit human that I like to do the house in one go and not wait around all day for him to get in and do it.

I don't think she could possibly feel judged - I've always been friendly and complementary towards her.

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13bastards · 21/08/2017 13:15

Ugh.
She sounds like my MIL. Talks until your ears bleed about herself, mainly what a feminist she is.

She refuses to do any cooking or cleaning at all. To the point if she spills a drink she will ask her H to come in from what he's doing and make him clean it.

We are NC now.

13bastards · 21/08/2017 13:15

She was also outraged that I made DH 's lunch for work.

WorraLiberty · 21/08/2017 13:15

You finish work at 6pm and get stuck into making dinner/doing housework.

He gets in at 7pm and does none of it.

What does he do at weekends, assuming he doesn't work 7 days a week?

mummmy2017 · 21/08/2017 13:16

Just keep telling her your way works for you both at this moment in time and having a tidy house when you have time to spare wating for your DH to come home is better as it means the free time your husband and you do have together can be used to do more fun things.

Flyingflipflop · 21/08/2017 13:17

She doesn't sound like a feminist. More just a lazy git.

WorraLiberty · 21/08/2017 13:18

Before he left this morning, he made coffee in the machine and then took it apart and chucked it in the dishwasher along with other bits.

Just the fact you think that's worthy of a mention, is making me see things slightly more from your MIL's side.

Mind you, I still stand by the thought that she should bite her tongue.

What has your DH said to his mum about how much she's upsetting you?

Floisme · 21/08/2017 13:19

Well I hope I would have the sense to bite my tongue but I will be pretty mortified if my son marries a woman and then lets her do everything round the house when she's still working full time.

I am very sorry to hear about your IVF and I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do in the future. However I don't think supporting you through it makes your husband an angel. In my book it just makes him a decent - but not particularly remarkable - human being. Is it possible that - in a very cack handed way - she's trying to give him a kick up the arse?

Incidentally I'm slightly older than your MIL and I'm surprised to hear she was allowed to retire at 50. I thought that practice had ended a long time ago?

Afterthestorm · 21/08/2017 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Puffpaw · 21/08/2017 13:22

Well when you have children dh will have to step up, but if you are happy with the situation as it stands and your husband is not taking advantage then crack on. Stop wasting your mental energy on MIL (who cares what she thinks, she is just being a judge pants, you don't need her approval) and good luck with the ivf Flowers I am a feminist too.

AngelaTwerkel · 21/08/2017 13:22

"Before he left this morning, he made coffee in the machine and then took it apart and chucked it in the dishwasher along with other bits."

That is bare minimum, I'd expect my OH to clean up after himself aND not leave it for me.

If you're happy with the arrangement, why are you letting your MIL's comments rankle?

Original poster
TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 13:23

Worra, you're looking for problems which aren't there. I actually use hello fresh or gousto 3 times in the week and we eat out twice a week too and always get a takeaway on a weekend. I am not so exhausted at 6pm that I need to lie down with a wet flannel on my forehead. Just two examples:

  • last Monday he got in at about 7:30pm and pulled out a shit load of bushes for about 2 hours
  • last wed he got in at 8pm, had dinner and then spent an hour and a half laying flooring.
  • last Thursday he mowed the lawn (1.75 acres)

We don't do anything at weekends.

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