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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL the professional feminist

106 replies

TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 12:34

Let me start by saying that this isn't meant to sound goofy or undermine anyone's beliefs/ways of life. Each to their own is very much my motto.

My MIL is quite a 'butter wouldn't melt' character with quite a sting in her tail. I suspect this is due to the fact that she's quite high maintenance and doesn't really get on too well with her husband (DH's stepfather to whom she's been married 20 odd years). She's not a particularly supportive MIL, shows no interest in us, when we meet it's all about her. We've had a helluvalotta stress lately with fertility issues and she never enquiries. That's fine. I can deal with that. She has three sons and is the kind of woman who loves to act all delicate and fragile. DH has come find her quite annoying.

One thing bugs me beyond belief and I think I need to say something next time. We are polar opposites to be fair (that's fine, I know you don't have to be completely similar to get on). I work full time in a very specialised role but condense my hours into three days and work mainly from home. My work is mentally taxing but I don't feel stressed by it and feel quite lucky to have this set up. I happen to like pottering round the house, keeping a tidy home and, shock horror, I take pleasure in making a nice dinner for my wonderful husband (who is the kindest man and has been an angel throughout our very distressing experience of infertility) when he gets home. I do everything around the house but because I keep on top of it, it doesn't take much time. DH does things if I ask him/if I'm unwell etc etc so I'm happy with this.

MIL talks at any opportunity about how much she hates it when there is "inequality in couples". "Why do you do it?!" She cries. We went to hers last night, she sat on her arse all day (she has been retired since she was 50 and is now 58, her DH works full time) while her DH did the dinner and had done the housework that morning. She told a lengthy story about how she "didn't mind her sons new gf" but "only downside is that she does EVERYTHING for him already". Sigh. I didn't say anything. She'll always say "maybe I'm just a boring old feminist but....". I need to call her out on it but WIBU to do so?? I'm probably projecting on this one subject as an excuse to challenge her. Really I think she's a self centred bore who thinks only of herself.

OP posts:
Toddlers4HenDos · 21/08/2017 13:23

If you are so happy to declare that you aren't a feminist because someone who says and does thing differently to you says she is a feminist, then clearly you have very little clue about anything to do with feminism.

Anyhoo, this isn't about feminism, but you don't like your MIL. And you seem to think the "feminism" stick is a good one to bash her with. It's all very confused.

Personally I'm aghast at any relationship where one person does all the domestic stuff. But if that is what you want your choice I guess. You may start to feel differently once you've had children and it is expected of you in your relationship (not saying that will happen, but it is a possibility). Options are not quite so shiny when you are working FT and expected to cover the bulk of the childcare and domestic stuff.

VestalVirgin · 21/08/2017 13:23

You seem much happier than most women do who have to work full time and keep the house clean.

Perhaps it is because your DH was brought up to clean up after himself, and thus produces only a fraction of the additional work that other husbands do.

If you truly feel that the situation in your household is equal and will stay so, why not just tell your MIL that your husband now does half of all housework and there's no need to worry about you anymore? She isn't there often enough to see whether that's true, surely, so won't be able to find out that it's not the case.

WhataHexIgotinto · 21/08/2017 13:24

I don't think how she and her husband do anything is any of your business and vice versa. I don't see what you need to 'call her out' on. I wouldn't be happy with your set up but different strokes and all that.

WorraLiberty · 21/08/2017 13:25

Floisme, you put into words what I've been (albeit badly) trying to say Grin

I have 3 boys and it's the thought that they'd be happy to let the person they love, wait on them in this way.

I personally would feel really uncomfortable too.

Goingtobeawesome · 21/08/2017 13:26

Ask her why it bothers her so much/how it impacts on her life?

WorraLiberty · 21/08/2017 13:28

The more you post, the less your actual OP seems to have to do with the thread.

I actually use hello fresh or gousto 3 times in the week and we eat out twice a week too and always get a takeaway on a weekend

So you don't actually cook at all? Confused

Original poster
TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 13:28

I don't think written text comes across very well. I am primarily hurt that with everything going on, she feels the need to pick.

Re: feminist comments. Read my comment. I am saying that I am not HER version of a feminist.

I am incredibly fucking vulnerable right now, broken in fact. I do not need my MIL grinding me down at a time like this. I previously only use the infertility boards here but my post was possibly misjudged.

Thanks for all the comments but I won't be commenting again. How do you close down a mumsnet account 😐.

OP posts:
Mountainviewloo · 21/08/2017 13:31

AIBU is not the place to post if you're feeling vulnerable.

JessicaEccles · 21/08/2017 13:31

I do not need my MIL grinding me down at a time like this

I am not sure she is. But you obviously have taken totally against her.

Elendon · 21/08/2017 13:35

She told a lengthy story about how she "didn't mind her sons new gf" but "only downside is that she does EVERYTHING for him already". Sigh. I didn't say anything. She'll always say "maybe I'm just a boring old feminist but....". I need to call her out on it but WIBU to do so?? I'm probably projecting on this one subject as an excuse to challenge her. Really I think she's a self centred bore who thinks only of herself.

What are you going to call her out on?

BTW when you do have children increase your workload by n percent. you really have no idea of the workload of women with children who also pander to their husbands

AntiGrinch · 21/08/2017 13:35

OP, in the nicest possible way I think you are being a bit naive.
You have no idea how family life with a man can become an instrument of torture almost overnight.

MIL saying "she was the breadwinner for years" - well that contains multitudes. Many women her age felt that they had a lot to prove when they take work seriously - both at home and at work - and felt absolutely locked into the punishing "double shift" to a very high standard. She could be hugely in reaction against decades where she worked literally 18 hour days. I don't know,. but I know a lot of women did this and are only just taking stock and saying: Hang on. Your turn. to the man who was the beneficary of all this labour.

Gousto, takeaways, etc - all that is going to go away when uou have dcs. You are describing a fairly leisurely and luxurious life in which an hour a day to clean feels like nothing - because you can afford it.

What happens when you can't afford it? What happens when you can't fit in a haircut, a coffee with friends, half an hour to read a book - you don't even have time to sleep? Will it all feel the same then?

You don't get on with MIL - fine. However - get your head out of your arse and look around a little. You're being very belittling about someone who is older than you and, frankly, knows more than you.

Painfulpain · 21/08/2017 13:36
Flowers

I think we all got the wrong end of the stick

Painfulpain · 21/08/2017 13:37

Sorry if I upset you

Toddlers4HenDos · 21/08/2017 13:37

Just stop talking with her about housework and vice versa.

Seriously who does this? The only people I know who talk about housework outside of MN are people who are fed up with doing it all. Otherwiose its a non-issue.

How does your MIL even know about your division of labour? How do you know about hers? Perhaps find other stuff to talk about?

Ginlovinglady · 21/08/2017 13:39

I think everyone is being a bit harsh
But I guess that's aibu
Perhaps move this to relationship boards?
You might get a more sympathetic outcome

And I understand what you're saying op!
I'm starting to feel it's a badge of honour on this board to be as mean as possible.

AntiGrinch · 21/08/2017 13:45

I'm sorry this has been such a tough time for you Tips. I think MIL in a rather cack-handed way DOES want to support you, but is going about it in a way that is very much informed by her own experiences in a way that you don't see as relevant to you.

It's more relevant than you think, but you don't have to have that argument with her (or us). It's basically none of her business. And you can tell her to leave it without "calling her out"

Whatever you do, do not turn this into a polarised battle of who's more right: between "I'm right because I do all the housework" and "I'm right because I do none of the housework" there will be no winners. Seriously. no room for anyone to win in that manufactured binary opposition

Babbitywabbit · 21/08/2017 13:46

The OP said she works only non- wed 8-6. That's not full time. Her dh works 5 days a week, arrives home later than that and then sometimes has 2 more hours work to do at home. If I were in the OPs position, just the two of us, I'd spend the few hours a week it needs to keep on top of the housework because, blimey, id still have more down time in the week than him! Usually on these threads people say it's about sharing out what needs doing, and then divvying it up so that both partners get an equal amount of free time. Can people not do the maths here?!

Babbitywabbit · 21/08/2017 13:46

Mon to weds

Babbitywabbit · 21/08/2017 13:50

Btw I'm the first to say if they have children, or she ups her work hours then I would expect the balance to shift, pronto.

I'm very into having a fair work life balance each. In our case I worked 3 days a week until the kids started school, so obviously did more home stuff then, and when I stepped back up to full time we split it equally. I'm certainly not into the polarised roles of woman being the homemaker.

But in this case, she's actually only working part time hours and there are no children, so the few hours needed to keep the house straight can easily be picked up by her and still leave her with more free time than him

BIWI · 21/08/2017 13:50

I'm sorry that you're upset about the responses you're getting - but perhaps you should step back and just re-read your posts. They drip with dislike for your MIL, and your tone hasn't been especially pleasant.

And, to be honest, I'm with her. Why should/would you do everything for your husband?

Please note, though, that 'everything' in your case really isn't that much, if you're buying in food for most of the week - and clearing up after two adults really doesn't take that much doing.

I think your MIL is trying to warn you about how things will change when (and let's hope it's when!) children come along.

user1491861804 · 21/08/2017 13:51

Well I actually think the MIL IS being a bit spiteful. OP said that this is the top of the iceberg and that she brings it up. The MIL does sound quite selfish, I get the impression that the OP doesn't wish to talk about trivial things like housework especially given the MIL has been unsupportive about something so traumatic.

Worra - with respect I think you were a bit harsh. And I actually use Gousto myself - the ingredients still need to be cooked and they're actually quite complex recipes sometimes.

user1491861804 · 21/08/2017 13:52

Best of luck with your treatment Tips. I know how difficult it is and it isn't helpful To have people constantly say "when you have kids". AIBU is a horrid place sometimes

Minkyfluffster · 21/08/2017 13:53

I would just smile and nod, if challenged just say this works for us.

Her verbal input isn't actually doing anything to your lifestyle is it?

ferntwist · 21/08/2017 14:00

Maybe she doesn't ask you about your fertility issues because she doesn't want to make you feel like you're under any pressure. A lot of previous posters on Infertility/Miscarriage boards complain of MIL who ask too many questions. I am always relieved when family don't ask us about our issues.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 21/08/2017 14:01

OP I'm with you. When I worked a four day week, and DP was doing five, I was very happy to spend my free day doing the house work. And as I got in earlier at night than him, I did the cooking (tbf, he always did the washing up). It made perfect sense to me, it meant that in the evenings or at weekends we had the whole time to do what we wanted, take off for the day if we suddenly fancied it or whatever without thinking about the hoovering or washing. But when I returned f/t we immediately shared the chores. I never had any doubts that he wouldn't join in when things changed. You sound like you have equal confidence in your DH, so do what works for you.

But it's not worth saying anything to MiL. Leave her and her DH to live their lives their way, and you do do it yours. Next time she starts, a head tilt, a smile and 'we're all different, aren't we' then changing the subject should do it.