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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Naming terminated baby *abortion related*

83 replies

Tippitoesandbuttonnose · 21/08/2017 12:34

I have a friend who is pregnant but planning to have an abortion. She feels she doesn't have a choice as her partner isn't ready and doesn't want a child yet. Despite all offerings of support from multiple people, this is the decision she has made. All find, her body her choice and I'll support her. But she plans to give the foetus a name. Our other friend thinks this is just silly. Who is BU? I don't know where I stand with it.

OP posts:
AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 21/08/2017 12:36

It's not what I would do, but maybe it's her way of processing it? I'm struggling to understand why it's anyone else's business to approve of or not - it's personal to her.

SilverBirchTree · 21/08/2017 12:37

She should do whatever she feels is right and if you're good friends you will support her. It really doesn't matter what you personally think about this decision.

Oysterbabe · 21/08/2017 12:37

I think this will makes things my harder for her. Easier to think of it as being a collection of cells I'd rather than a person I'd have thought. I'm not her though.

monkeywithacowface · 21/08/2017 12:38

You don't really need to stand anywhere with it do you?

Anyway I would say your friend sounds extremely conflicted about the abortion and if she does go ahead will likely need support from her friends. Sound like you are not entirely supportive of her choice though.

Original poster
Tippitoesandbuttonnose · 21/08/2017 12:38

I think where I struggle with it is the clash of acknowledging there was a baby but choosing to terminate its life. I'm not anti abortion but I think it's just a hit you can't have it both ways .. I'd never actually say this to her

OP posts:
Original poster
Tippitoesandbuttonnose · 21/08/2017 12:39

I really am supportive it's just to work out my own thoughts in my head.

OP posts:
Brittbugs80 · 21/08/2017 12:40

Is she aware that the abortion is her choice? It's not up to her partner to decide. Have you had that conversation with her?

If it was absolutely her choice then fine but it sounds very much like it isn't.

NC4now · 21/08/2017 12:41

It doesn't sound like she really wants to terminate. Has she had counselling?

SilverBirchTree · 21/08/2017 12:42

It's a personal thing. Maybe she needs to mourn, and thinking of it as a baby with a name will help her do that?

I don't think it's mutually exclusive. She can know she isn't ready to have a baby & it's the right decision to terminate, but also feel sadness about it or want to acknowledge that something was lost?

TipsNotHacks · 21/08/2017 12:42

There is obviously more to this situation. My only concern would be that in years to come she will regret the decision and the name will crop up everywhere and be a painful reminder. I wouldn't say anything to her though OP, but you sound like a nice friend for being concerned.

monkeywithacowface · 21/08/2017 12:43

Sounds to me like she does regard it as a baby but feels she can't keep it. Which is sad. She's hardly having her cake and eating it is she?

I'm sure lots of people who have abortions don't just say "Oh its just a bunch of cells" and get on with life. It's a difficult time for anyone I should imagine.

NicolasFlamel · 21/08/2017 12:43

I'm getting the impression it's not something she 100% wants to do. If that's the case I couldn't be supportive because I won't support someone feeling backed into a corner and making a choice they will regret.
You know her though, obviously she's your friend and if you know it is entirely her decision you can only be supportive.

elliejjtiny · 21/08/2017 12:43

Poor lady, it sounds like she really doesn't want to have a termination but feels she has no choice.

MrsT2007 · 21/08/2017 12:45

Having had TFMR, I get it.

We named our son. It helps that he had an identity. I think of him often.

OoohMavis · 21/08/2017 12:45

Can you see if she can get more counselling? As others have said I don't have an issue with it as such except it doesn't quite fit.

Original poster
Tippitoesandbuttonnose · 21/08/2017 12:46

She knows it's not 100% what she wants but she says she also doesn't want to feel guilt of forcing her boyfriend into it. I've had the conversation that it took 2 to tango and all that but she seems pretty set but she's still sad about it.

OP posts:
coldcanary · 21/08/2017 12:47

Unbelievably I've never shared this with anyone but it struck a chord with me.
I did. I knew when I went ahead that it was my only sensible choice given my circumstances but in my heart I regretted it for a long time (although I've since come to terms with everything about that part of my life).
I named the foetus. Didn't know the sex obviously but went with my gut feeling. It had no function other than to help me deal with my own feelings and nobody else knows why I never gave one of our children a name I had liked for years - because to my mind it was already taken.
It's horses for courses - the one friend I know definitely had a termination had no regrets which is a place I've only recently got to, maybe your friend is in a similar position to me in a way.
A bit waffly sorry Blush

FilledSoda · 21/08/2017 12:49

Whatever gets her through it .
You position of ' not having it both ways' sounds as though you think she shouldn't have anything to comfort her, as though she doesn't deserve to get through it.
Just support her, this isn't an easy solution for anyone and if she wants to give the baby a name and mourn in whatever way she sees fit , that's okay.

Urubu · 21/08/2017 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Urubu · 21/08/2017 12:51

Just realizing my post might be offensive to people dealing with abortion.
Please report if that is the case, wasn't my purpose at all.
Nothing anti-abortion there.

CancellyMcChequeface · 21/08/2017 12:56

Would you feel the same way if she'd had an early miscarriage?

Not everyone who has an abortion can rationalise it away as 'it's not a baby it's just a foetus/embryo/clump of cells.' She can decide that abortion is the right option for her and still feel sad/grieve over what might have been. It might not be how you'd react in her situation it definitely isn't 'silly.'

PinkHeart5911 · 21/08/2017 12:57

If it was for medical reasons I could understand naming the child but something about understanding it's a life, naming it and then terminating it becuase your partner isn't ready for a baby makes me uncomfortable.

Has your friend spoken to a councillor or similar about this abortion?

derxa · 21/08/2017 12:58

Flowers for your friend

JSAMJ · 21/08/2017 12:58

My friend did this for her baby that was terminated for medical reasons, there were multiple abnormalities. A horrible time for her and it helped her process things.

PinkHeart5911 · 21/08/2017 12:59

Would you feel the same way if she'd had an early miscarriage?

But miscarriage & terminating a pregnancy for your dp are in no way the same. No women chooses to have a miscarriage