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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Naming terminated baby *abortion related*

83 replies

Tippitoesandbuttonnose · 21/08/2017 12:34

I have a friend who is pregnant but planning to have an abortion. She feels she doesn't have a choice as her partner isn't ready and doesn't want a child yet. Despite all offerings of support from multiple people, this is the decision she has made. All find, her body her choice and I'll support her. But she plans to give the foetus a name. Our other friend thinks this is just silly. Who is BU? I don't know where I stand with it.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 21/08/2017 12:59

Why is she broadcasting her plans?

Sounds like she is letting all and sundry know? Which isn't normal behaviour?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 21/08/2017 12:59

It's also not something I would do and, to me, it does sound as though your friend does not want a termination at all.

I can completely understand naming a baby lost to miscarriage, stillbirth or a termination for medical reasons, in other words a baby who otherwise would have lived.

For me, it is best to think of the foetus as a collection of cells (as a PP said) rather than your actual son or daughter. Otherwise you surely do have that feeling of having chosen to end the life of your son or daughter?

At the end of the day, whatever helps somebody to cope is fine - and totally their choice. It doesn't quite seem right to me though.

Goingtobeawesome · 21/08/2017 12:59

MrsT - your situation was different though. You wanted your baby and was advised she or he wasn't able to survive. Completely different to actively choosing to terminate a pregnancy. I've had two miscarriages and couldn't bear to give them a name as it would make them more real and a bigger loss for me.

MrsOverTheRoad · 21/08/2017 13:01

A friend of mine had a termination and she regreted it. I suggested she make a place for the baby's memory and name the baby in her mind. She did that and planted a tree.

People cope differently.

coldcanary · 21/08/2017 13:01

Can only speak for myself but given my own circumstances the choice I made certainly caused the conflicting feelings that PP's have mentioned. As I said, naming it was a way for me to deal with that conflict. Purely selfish reasons, I'll own that, but it helped.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 21/08/2017 13:02

Why is she broadcasting her plans?

Sounds like she is letting all and sundry know? Which isn't normal behaviour?

This is a very good point. Do you think she wants somebody to give her a big hug & tell her that she can have this baby - with or without her BF's involvement and reassure her that everything will be OK?

I'm utterly pro-choice, but I do agree that it's not a choice most women would broadcast.

MsMommie · 21/08/2017 13:06

I don't think it's silly, I think it's extremely sad and actually horrible for her.
I'm not anti abortion by any means, but I am anti abortion if it's a choice that's been made for valid reasons.
It's her body and her baby, she really won't cope well terminating just to keep her boyfriend happy. She's grieving for the baby already. I hope she sees sense

MsMommie · 21/08/2017 13:07

*if it's not

hedgebitch · 21/08/2017 13:09

I think it's so personal and complex that no one can know how naming the foetus will affect her. There's not much point speculating or trying to form your own position on it, since it's not you doing it. Just be supportive of her.

I think it's pretty shady for her friends to be talking behind her back about how 'silly' it is to name the foetus though.

OoohMavis · 21/08/2017 13:10

i'm pro-choice too, even more since the hard slog of having my own and i hate to say it but in this case op, has your friend looked into what support she can access as a single parent from charities, benefits, been on the lone parent threads on mumsnet etc. etc.? If she has and on the whole it's too hard a road that's one thing but I wonder if she's spent long enough thinking about it.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 21/08/2017 13:10

I've heard of women regretting abortions and naming their babies. It does seem a bit worrying that she's planning to do this now, before she's had the abortion. As if she knows she will regret it maybe? That's not good! Poor woman, if she is planning to do this without being sure it's what she wants.

Toofat2BtheFly · 21/08/2017 13:10

I did this ...it was many moons ago (16/17 years ago)and never for one second have I regretted my choice to terminate , but naming him (my gut feeling was it was a boy) made it a little easier to deal with .

I don't know why I did it , I just did , strange time in my life all round , I did whatever I had to to keep going .

OP just Be a good friend ...that's all she needs now , she will probably do a few more things along the way to make you think WTF(I went a bit weird after my termination) ...just be around to support her , that's all she needs Flowers

Decaffstilltastesweird · 21/08/2017 13:14

I stand corrected by toofat.

I suppose it's just such a personal thing. If she is sure this is what she wants, but wants to name the baby anyway, maybe it's just her way of getting through it. As pps have said, it's probably not helpful to second guess or speculate.

onalongsabbatical · 21/08/2017 13:14

@coldcanary I find that very moving. Flowers
Hope you're ok with having shared it.

WeAllHaveWings · 21/08/2017 13:14

you can't have it both ways ..

its not as black and white as you paint it, it would be so much easier for her if it was. you need to open your mind to the painful grey bits where your friend wants the baby but has decided she cant have it due to her circumstances.

HerOtherHalf · 21/08/2017 13:17

I dont think it's fair or reasonable to judge her. Whether it works for her or not, she thinks this will help her deal with it. Just be a friend and support her.

fruitbat2008 · 21/08/2017 13:25

Having gone through a termination for medical reasons I can understand how upsetting it is and I think its whatever get you through, I did name my child as I had been thinking of names anyway so I did not use the name for the children I had after but it sounds to me she needs a lot of love and support.

InvisibleCities · 21/08/2017 13:26

I think it's just a hit you can't have it both ways

She's not having it both ways. As a friend I would encourage her to explore all her options. including whether she could bring up the baby alone, but then if she thinks naming the foetus is the right thing for her, you have to let her get on with it. (I do wonder if there is an element of punishing her BF though, which would be emotionally unhealthy.)

fullofhope03 · 21/08/2017 13:27

Your poor friend Sad Sad
Sounds like she really doesn't want to go through with the termination at all and really needs counselling and a proper heart-to-heart with a friend.
Very very few women go through an abortion without feeling grief, guilt etc.
I had a termination over 30 years ago and have never come to terms with it. I never named my unborn baby, but for some reason have always thought he was a 'he'. I often imagine what he's be doing now and feel such despair. Please try and talk to your friend again and just be there for her.

IAmTheDragon · 21/08/2017 13:27

I think coldcanary explains it perfectly.

OP, how she processes this isn't yours to judge, I'm sorry.

user838383 · 21/08/2017 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fullofhope03 · 21/08/2017 13:28

Meant to say, I often imagine WHAT HE WOULD be doing now.

didofido · 21/08/2017 13:29

If she has the termination because that's what her BF wants, when she would like the baby, she may well end up resenting him to such an extent that the relationship folds.

Talk to her O.P. Support her whatever she decides, but make sure it's an unforced decision.

VestalVirgin · 21/08/2017 13:31

If it was absolutely her choice then fine but it sounds very much like it isn't.

Yeah, I thought that, too.

If she'd have to mourn the fetus, I don't think an abortion is a good choice, especially since it seems to be only about her partner, not about her general situation in life or her ability to be a parent.

She makes this decision now to not feel guilt towards her partner, but I fear she might resent him for it in the future.

But ultimately, it is her choice and you cannot stop her.

I wouldn't call her way to cope with it "silly", I just think it is sad that it is needed at all.

fruitbat2008 · 21/08/2017 13:33

I have to admit it sounds like she doesn't really want to have an abortion but she's trying to convince everybody else she I think its a cry for help.

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