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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Naming terminated baby *abortion related*

83 replies

Tippitoesandbuttonnose · 21/08/2017 12:34

I have a friend who is pregnant but planning to have an abortion. She feels she doesn't have a choice as her partner isn't ready and doesn't want a child yet. Despite all offerings of support from multiple people, this is the decision she has made. All find, her body her choice and I'll support her. But she plans to give the foetus a name. Our other friend thinks this is just silly. Who is BU? I don't know where I stand with it.

OP posts:
fullofhope03 · 21/08/2017 13:35

coldcanary Flowers xxx

ReanimatedSGB · 21/08/2017 13:35

She gets to do whatever feels best to her, end of. Though I would also be concerned about the coercive partner. Maybe you could remind her, subtly, that boyfriends are replaceable and their opinions not that important. It's also usually true that a man who says he's 'not ready for a baby yet' means 'I want to continue this relationship on my terms so will carry on dating you until I find a replacement for you.' Sometimes men like this will carry on claiming to be 'not ready' until the partner hits menopause... and sometimes the man will then end the relationship, seek a younger woman and have children with her.

CheerfulMuddler · 21/08/2017 13:37

You can know that something is the right decision and still feel sad about it.

Imagine someone in a really bad place (not your friend) deciding to give a baby up for adoption. She might 100% know that she couldn't give this baby the life she wanted, that the baby would probably be neglected if she kept it, that it would have a better life with someone else. Would you say "Oh, but she's feeling sad about giving up the baby, that must mean she isn't giving proper consent"? Of course not. You'd recognise that even though something is the right decision, you can still feel really sad about it.

Names also don't only belong to babies. We name all sorts of weird stuff - dolls, cars, trains, clocks, boats, houses, motorways. It's about OUR emotional connection to it, not the thing itself. If people can get sad about a clock called Big Ben not bonging, then your friend can damn well get sad about a collection of fertilised cells called Emily not existing. And if it helps her to call them Emily, then it's not your job to judge, it's your job to be a good friend.

JSAMJ · 21/08/2017 13:43

I just remembered that my friend also named her youngest son -a middle name- after the baby that was terminated. It was a TFMR though and he was much wanted.

Your friend needs a lot of support, it doesn't sound like she wants to go through with it. (though her decision)

MyheartbelongstoG · 21/08/2017 13:47

she knows it's not 100% what she wants and doesn't want to force it on her boyfriend.

She could in fact leave the boyfriend and have the baby.

He is after all just a man.

Piewraith · 21/08/2017 13:58

As for "having it both ways", I don't think it's a case of either thinking it's nothing/just a bunch of cells and having an abortion vs thinking it's a baby and not having one.

I do see an embryo as a life, or at least a potential one. Despite that I am strongly pro choice and have no problem with abortion, because the women's life comes first in this case.

I see it as being similar to killing in self defence. For example if someone attacked me while having a mental breakdown, I would fight back and kill them if needed, even though it wasn't their "fault" as such.

That's the way I see it. It's not black and white.

peachgreen · 21/08/2017 14:03

I think it's perfectly possible to have a termination willingly but still mourn the loss of the baby. I don't think it's unreasonable of her to name it at all.

scrabbler3 · 21/08/2017 14:07

I don't think that the naming is the main issue here. I think it's a cry for help. She wants this baby. I would advise you to chat with her again about her options.

Crunchymum · 21/08/2017 14:30

To those who think naming the foetus is reasonable, where do you stand on her telling 'multiple people' about her abortion plans?

Genuine question.

Brittbugs80 · 21/08/2017 14:36

To those who think naming the foetus is reasonable, where do you stand on her telling 'multiple people' about her abortion plans

I can't help but think telling multiple people, is she hoping for someone to convince her she shouldn't abort?

I'm not anti abortion but I fully understand many people are so I wouldn't feel the need to go and tell everyone because I'd be aware of getting unwanted hostile reactions.

Brittbugs80 · 21/08/2017 14:37

To those who think naming the foetus is reasonable, where do you stand on her telling 'multiple people' about her abortion plans

I can't help but think telling multiple people, is she hoping for someone to convince her she shouldn't abort?

I'm not anti abortion but I fully understand many people are so I wouldn't feel the need to go and tell everyone because I'd be aware of getting unwanted hostile reactions.

peachgreen · 21/08/2017 14:39

To those who think naming the foetus is reasonable, where do you stand on her telling 'multiple people' about her abortion plans?

I wish more women felt comfortable being open about pregnancy and reproductive-related issues.

kaytee87 · 21/08/2017 14:54

Odds are that she will end up splitting up with this guy eventually anyway. If he's the only reason she's not having the baby then she should really think long and hard about it.

I'm really not sure why you need to know where you stand on the name thing though. That's not really your business tbh.

monkeywithacowface · 21/08/2017 14:55

I would say if she is telling multiple people then it is just another sign that she is conflicted in her choice and seeking validation. Anyway multiple could mean two or three very close friends or a facebook status update.

I don't think anyone should "stand" anywhere on people's pregnancy choices. Honestly FGS is there a "right" way to go through an abortion?

Piewraith · 21/08/2017 14:58

To those who think naming the foetus is reasonable, where do you stand on her telling 'multiple people' about her abortion plans?

Honestly I would think she was being a drama queen. But I would still support her, and as PP said, why shouldn't people be open about abortion and reproductive things if they want, it's a part of life.

I had a friend who had an abortion and posted a goodbye message to the embryo (who she named) on Facebook. I cringed massively! But I guess it didn't hurt anybody and if it helped her get through a tough time then who am I to judge.

Strugglingwiththings · 21/08/2017 14:58

To those who think naming the foetus is reasonable, where do you stand on her telling 'multiple people' about her abortion plans?

Why shouldn't she? Why should abortion be something women keep as their dirty little secret? If more people were open about this then it wouldn't put such pressure on women who struggle with the decision.

hedgebitch · 21/08/2017 14:59

To those who think naming the foetus is reasonable, where do you stand on her telling 'multiple people' about her abortion plans?

I don't "stand" anywhere. I think it's up to her who she tells and up to her what she does. I suspect she's talking about it to multiple people because she feels in need of support. And why not? It's not some dirty secret.

VelvetKnickers · 21/08/2017 15:04

I had a termination two years ago. It was a choice I made for the good of my family as opposed to myself. I have a severely disabled daughter, a under three and mental health issues myself. So it was a choice but one where I felt circumstances called for it as opposed to me necessarily wanting it.

I didn’t name my baby although I think of it as a boy. I don’t claim to feel the same pain as someone who has suffered pregnant loss, stillbirth etc but I did (and do) mourn my baby.

If it helps her deal with it then that’s her business. She shouldn’t have friends talking about it behind her back. It’s the single most painful regret I have in my life and will carry it with me to my grave. If giving my baby a name helped me deal with that then shite with other people and their opinions.

Just be there for her

theymademejoin · 21/08/2017 15:07

The research that's out there shows that women who do not choose an abortion are the ones who suffer afterwards. Not choosing can be as a result of feeling pressure from parents, partner, or societal attitudes towards unmarried/young/etc parents. It sounds like she is not choosing to have an abortion but feeling that she has to have one due to her bf's attitude.

If you can get her to consider more counselling so that she can make a fully informed decision that is right for her, she is more likely to be at peace with her decision. The decision may be to terminate as she feels she cannot go it alone or it may be to continue with the pregnancy, knowing she may end up going it alone. However, the best thing for her would be to make the decision that is right for her.

peachgreen · 21/08/2017 15:24

@VelvetKnickers I lost a much-wanted baby at 11.5 weeks (so still first trimester but quite late on). I haven't had an abortion but I'm almost certain that I would find the agony of choosing to have an abortion harder than losing my baby, as awful as that was. In my opinion, you are fully entitled to mourn the loss of your baby - I'm sorry you had to go through what was obviously a difficult decision.

Not that I'm saying all women who choose to have an abortion feed to feel mournful - I can equally understand that for many women it isn't a cause to mourn, and that's okay too.

I think in general, women give other women far too tough of a time when it comes to reproductive decisions.

coldcanary · 21/08/2017 15:36

Just got back in, wasn't ignoring the very kind messages Smile
I'm fine with sharing it on here, I do wish people felt more comfortable with talking about it openly.
As for sharing the plans, I couldn't although someone did guess. Again, it's personal choice - I would say in your friends case OP she needs to be able to talk as much as possible at the moment.
Just be there for her and listen.

CheerfulMuddler · 21/08/2017 15:40

To those who think naming the foetus is reasonable, where do you stand on her telling 'multiple people' about her abortion plans?

I've never met this woman. All I know about her is a single paragraph on a parenting website. So maybe she's a drama queen. Maybe 'multiple people' is her two best friends and her mum, which seems pretty normal. Maybe she's honestly trying to make a difficult decision in the most informed and thoughtful way she can. Maybe she has mental health problems. Maybe she wants to be persuaded that it's okay to terminate and she isn't making a terrible decision. Maybe she wants to be persuaded that it's okay to keep the baby. Maybe she's an open and honest person who's fortunate enough to have lots of good friends. Maybe she's deliberately trying to be more open about something that should be more discussed. Maybe she's an idiot. Maybe she's an oversharer.

I mean, how the fuck should I know? She's a stranger. The frequency with which mumsnetters seem able to dissect complex situations based on a fw sentences of information astonishes me.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 21/08/2017 16:07

If she was my friend I'd be worried about her. I'd be having some very blunt conversations about regretting doing this because her bf isn't 'ready' for a baby. Making sure she realises the resentment she will feel is likely to drive them apart anyway & she'll have no bf & no baby. I'd be asking her what she would be choosing if he left her tomorrow whatever she chose.

I am pro choice - I am anti pressured decisions, especially ones where the consequences may not have been fully thought out.

If she says it's 'not fair on him' remind her that HE chose to have sex knowing that sex can result in a baby & that HIS control over that stops the minute he has sex. He has NO right to pressure her into a termination. SHE is the only one that has to live with this decision, HE can walk away.

MsMommie · 21/08/2017 16:39

If I was to have an abortion, I wouldn't be telling everyone about it. I just don't think that's quite right.
It's nothing to do with being a 'dirty little secret'. Whichever way you look at it, abortion is not a nice thing. For any reason.
Her baby isn't going to be terminally ill, as it stands, she has a perfectly healthy baby growing inside her right now, and the reason she wants to abort it is because she doesn't want to force her boyfriend into being a dad. To name the baby and tell everyone 'I'm pregnant and my babies name is 'bob' and I'm going to have an abortion' is really strange.
I wouldn't really want to sit there and discuss baby names with someone who is having a termination for those reasons. I would be really pissed off with a friend if they put that on me too.

It's the naming BEFORE the termination and the regretting BEFORE the termination... and expecting people to be fine and dandy with her doing it. Her choice her body her baby etc but I see where the OP is coming from. It would make my head spin.

peachgreen · 21/08/2017 17:23

Whichever way you look at it, abortion is not a nice thing. For any reason.

For many women, abortion is not something to be particularly emotional about.

If more women felt able to talk about it, women who DID find it a traumatic experience would find it easier to get the support they need. Other women would be more aware of their rights and options, and it would also start moving society away from viewing abortion as something to be ashamed of towards a perfectly legitimate reproductive choice.