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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate being asked why I don't have kids

96 replies

Happytobefree17 · 20/08/2017 14:32

I had a miscarriage a few years ago, the only time I've ever been pregnant.

Currently am single in my forties.

I'm coming to terms with the very painful reality that I'll probably never have kids.

And I am getting so fed up of people asking me why I don't have children and whether I regret it. I force myself to be polite and answer honestly. And then an given the obligatory advice of "have you thought about sperm donors, freezing your eggs" etc. Oh yeah, cos I've got to my forties unwillingly childless and have never thought to consider other possibilities. Hmm

I never bring up the subject or ask for advice and am uncomfortable about discussing this very personal matter.

I know I'm probably BU but sometimes I'm filled with an almost uncontrollable urge to tell them to fuck the fuck off and mind their own goddam business.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 20/08/2017 14:34

Ask them why they had kids? That's what o do now, often results in silence but seems to work x

PurpleDaisies · 20/08/2017 14:36

I usually go for "did you mean to ask such a personal question?" with my best teacher glare. That usually shuts down the conversation.

Some people are insensitive twits.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2017 14:36

Some people are so fucking rude. The next time someone asks, respond with "Why on earth would you ask such a personal question?" and then let them twist in the wind like the nosey fuckers they are.

Auldspinster · 20/08/2017 14:36

I'm childless by choice at 42 but I hear you.

I find it incredibly intrusive and patronising when the subject comes up and being told i'll change my mind. Can't imagine how painful it must be for someone who wanted children but couldn't have them.

I think people can get defensive if you're seen to be making different life choices from you, however different the reality may be.

LyricallyBlessed · 20/08/2017 14:37

There is no way you could BU.
They are being incredibly rude.

Auldspinster · 20/08/2017 14:37

Different life choices from them, doh!

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2017 14:40

What PPs have said. Look at them like they have two heads and ask why they'd ask something so personal. People are weird. And I'm sorry for your loss and the painful place you're in now Flowers

Original poster
Happytobefree17 · 20/08/2017 14:41

Thank you for the responses.

I live in quite a close knit community where everyone is nosy is interested in your business.

I think people can get defensive if you're seen to be making different life choices from you, however different the reality may be.

^^this sums it up I think

OP posts:
Original poster
Happytobefree17 · 20/08/2017 14:41

I meant kind responses Flowers

OP posts:
londonrach · 20/08/2017 14:44

Was my pet hate till i had dd in my 40s. Then I would be informed id better get on with having dc as time wasnt on my side. I know!!!!! I was lucky we managed to have dd but i could so easily not had her and still have the same conversations with people. Op i learnt to change to subject as quicky as i could or answer to the question..do you any family..yes my husband, parents sister etc its a private thing that should have be asked.

bananafanana1 · 20/08/2017 14:47

I'm with purpledaisies - or say something like "why do you want to know?" I find that response usually shuts down anyone asking personal questions Flowers

user1499786242 · 20/08/2017 14:49

I like the response
'Well why did you choose to have kids'
Hahah throw it right back at them!

RandomMess · 20/08/2017 14:50

FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

Auldspinster · 20/08/2017 14:50

I shut em down by mentioning the gynae problems i've had over the years, the diabetes that would make pregnancy extremely dangerous and the mental health issues that i don't want to pass on. But i shouldn't have to.

fluffiphlox · 20/08/2017 14:55

I'm childless through choice. I always used to say 'they're not compulsory you know'.

Mittens1969 · 20/08/2017 14:56

Yes, it's very nosy, and it's so nothing to do with anybody whether you have children or not! I've noticed that people are particularly persistent when asking about adoption and think they can ask whatever questions they want about it. I've become much more cautious now in what I tell people as it's my DDs' privacy that's the issue and not my own.

It did use to upset me when I was going through infertility and my DH used to find it very intrusive.

IGotRainedOn · 20/08/2017 15:01

I would never ask someone that question it's rude! If someone asked me I'd reply along the lines of..

Ohh That's a very personal question. I don't know if you realise but some people who don't have children could have being trying for years and being asked about it might deeply upset them. I'm sure you wouldn't want to do that. Other people might have their own reasons but just not want to discuss it

Etc, etc. basically I would bore them into submission with a long lecture. Wink

Dina1234 · 20/08/2017 15:02

That's a really personal question. It's perfectly reasonable to be uncomfortable with anyone who you are not close to discussing such things.

Original poster
Happytobefree17 · 20/08/2017 15:02

It's making me feel really down right now.

I've just split up with someone I saw as my last hope so I guess I'm just feeling a bit sensitive at the mo.

Life without kids can be incredibly fulfilling right?

OP posts:
kingfishergreen · 20/08/2017 15:10

Yes, it certainly can! I know many people who haven't had kids, and have wonderful, happy and fulfilled lives.

I know several people who do have kids and are really struggling.

And of course there are people who take 'a little form pot A and a little from pot B'.

The breakup is tarnishing your feelings, making it all feel much worse. I'm sorry you're going through a shitty time.

SapphireStrange · 20/08/2017 15:12

YANBU. It's incredibly insensitive.

You're perfectly within your rights to tell them, politely with a smile, 'That's personal.' Repeat as needed.

Aspergallus · 20/08/2017 15:12

People are arseholes. 5 years after the end of my first childless marriage, ended due to his generally shit behaviour including infidelity, while still single and childless, a secretary at work said to me, "you must really regret getting divorced now, much better to have a family and work on things".

I had no sharp comeback I'm afraid, just dropped my jaw at the idea I should have remained in such a hideous relationship in order to have kids.

Now that I'm a bit older, I would always answer these questions with a question, "why would you think that?" "You think it would be sensible to bring children into a relationship that wasn't working?" or even get extra personal to give a taste of their own medicine, "did you find your own life without children unfulfilling "

I do now have kids, married again in late 30s and 2 DSs. Love them, it's great but I am under no illusion that I would simply be having a different kind of great without them. OP please know, that as much as you might fantasise about a life with children, parents also fantasise about the possibilities of childlessness. You cannot have it all and whatever becomes your lot in life there are always ups and downs, pros and cons.

Aspergallus · 20/08/2017 15:13

If it helps I can give you a long list of the many things I'd be doing without DC taking up all my time!

Formalyknownas99 · 20/08/2017 15:13

Happytobefree17 I feel you pain. Fulfilling in different ways but the ache is always there to varying degrees.
I hope we both eventually...don't know...find peace with it...Flowers

PurpleDaisies · 20/08/2017 15:15

aspergallus I know you mean that to be helpful but I don't think it is. People who want children but can't for whatever reason would gladly trade time to pursue hobbies etc for children.