To hate being asked why I don't have kids

[Happytobefree17]

I had a miscarriage a few years ago, the only time I've ever been pregnant.

Currently am single in my forties.

I'm coming to terms with the very painful reality that I'll probably never have kids.

And I am getting so fed up of people asking me why I don't have children and whether I regret it. I force myself to be polite and answer honestly. And then an given the obligatory advice of "have you thought about sperm donors, freezing your eggs" etc. Oh yeah, cos I've got to my forties unwillingly childless and have never thought to consider other possibilities.

I never bring up the subject or ask for advice and am uncomfortable about discussing this very personal matter.

I know I'm probably BU but sometimes I'm filled with an almost uncontrollable urge to tell them to fuck the fuck off and mind their own goddam business.

[Aspergallus]

PurpleDaises

Sorry if you don't find that helpful but "people who want children but can't" aren't one entity. What one person finds helpful another may not. So why not speak for yourself and don't decline suggestions on the OPs behalf? You'll notice I didn't give some uninvited list but suggested that if it helps the OP.

[stevie69]

Life without kids can be incredibly fulfilling right?

Yes, yes, YES. not just 'can be'; it IS

S xxx

[BossyBitch]

YANBU! I'm only 35 but otherwise in the same situation, and I hate when people ask me this. So often there's an element of 'you're failing as a woman' involved.

I didn't chose to be undateable. Men find me intimidating (by their own admission). And, having seen what being a single mum cost my mother, I'm not willing to go there.

[crazyhairdontcare]

Regardless of whether by choice or otherwise, they are unbelievably rude asking in the first place. YANBU to tell them to fuck the fuck off. For the record, the rudeness doesn't go away when you're pregnant, oh that's a shame you're having another boy, oh did you mean to get pregnant at your age, blah blah blah. People say stupid shit all the time.

[minifingerz]

WTF is wrong with people? Surely every adult knows that not everyone can have children, and for some people this will be devastating.

My lovely older sister is childless, not by choice. I hate to think of her being made to feel shitty about it by insensitive people.

Sorry this is happening to you OP. Please let loose the 'fuck off's' if they're fighting to get out. It might teach some people a lesson they need to learn.

[IGotRainedOn]

Purple. I think that comment is a little unfair on Aspagallas. The OP had directly asked the question about whether life can be fulfilling without children and Aspergallus had answered it in a very measured and thoughtful way.

[IGotRainedOn]

X posted with Apergallus 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Seeingadistance]

It never ceases to amaze me that anyone would think it was acceptable to ask anyone questions like this, far less actually open their mouths and ask such personal questions!

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with such insensitive and rude people, OP.

As I approach 50 I'm finding it increasingly easier to answer such questions with a calm, "It's none of your business." They don't get it at first so it usually needs to be repeated a couple of times.

[Aspergallus]

Thank you IGotRainedOn. I'm thinking that Purple maybe only read my second post (which seems kind of flippant on its own) without realising I also wrote the post above it.

[MsHarry]

I think people can get defensive if you're seen to be making different life choices from you, however different the reality may be.

Absolutely this. People want everyone else to do similar to them. I had one family member pester and pester me on when I would have a baby after 4 yrs of marriage. When we did eventually, they never showed the slightest bit of interest in our child! Very strange. I don't know your circumstances OP, but there are many negatives to having children as well as many positives. People only focus on the good until you have the then they delight in telling you "Your life is nerve your own!" etc. I hope you are having and continue to have a wonderful life.

[PurpleDaisies]

Apologies, I only saw the second comment was you aspergallus.
Hopefully you can see how that in isolation wouldn't have been a great reply.

[MsHarry]

never not nerve!

[MsHarry]

I also think this site is overloaded with baby photos and pregnant threads. I know it's called MUMSNET but....

[MistressClaireBeauchamp]

YADNBU! I'd be very tempted to reply
"and do you ever regret not minding your own business?"
We waited seven years after we were married to start a family - mainly because I was still studying but whenever anyone asked me why we didn't have kids (yet) I always thought of those close to me who would have loved to have had children but were unable to conceive and pulled my "I'm going to burst into tears" face and choking back a sob said "not everyone can, you know" on behalf of the sisterhood as I realise that it is hard to do this if it really is your situation.
To ask you this question when you are not in a relationship is completely crazy. How about "shall we change the subject as the last person who asked that wished they hadn't"?

[Aspergallus]

PurpleDaisies yes I absolutely can. Let's just shake hands and agree to move on! Uncharacteristically swift resolution to a mumsnet disagreement

[MsHarry]

I would prefer something like femnet! Anyone else?

[PurpleDaisies]

Well that was the most civilised tiff I've had in a while.

Sorry for the misunderstanding-genuinely didn't spot the post above was you.

[JustHereForThePooStories]

Life without kids can be incredibly fulfilling right?

Well, mine is! That said, I suppose it depends on your definition of "incredibly" fulfilling. There seems to be some feeling that a childfree woman has to be a FTSE 100 CEO or political leader to have a "fulfilling" life. I have a very standard life- husband, dog, job, friends, home. It fulfills me, but there's nothing incredible about it.

My favourite response to questions about not having kids is to give a cheery "oh no, no kids, thanks goodness! Anyway, while we're on the topic of my sex life, everything ok with you and (their husband's name) in that department?".

[Happytobefree17]

The point is though, Asper you have children.

I'm not kidding myself that having being a parent has its challenges, that there are things I enjoy, as a childless person, that would have to be sacrifice if I were to have children.

But what Purple is saying, I think, is that you know what it's like to desperately want kids and fortunately in your case, you were able to have them in the end. And I'm guessing you would say that any life adjustments you've had to make have been worth it, that you wouldn't go back and not have children now if you had a choice?

But I do appreciate your intentions were well meaning.

[chitofftheshovel]

It's an incredibly rude question to ask. I'd be tempted to reply something along the lines of "well I've seen how difficult you find parenting and how hard it is for you to manage your children's poor behaviour so I thought I'd save myself the bother".

[juneau]

People are so personal in their questions - I can't imagine asking someone a question like that! I feel for you OP.

I think you need to have a ready answer and while the old MN chestnut 'Did you mean to be so personal/rude' will do the trick it will also make you appear defensive and/or mardy and in a small, close knit place you can probably do without that. Personally, I think I'd stick with something like 'It just never happened', and then have a subject that you can quickly change the conversation to.

And yes, I have kids, but I resent all the things that I simply can't do any more because of them, so life would indeed be very fulfilling without them, I would imagine, and full of all the lovely adult things that parents struggle to do. Stuff that I miss like hell - peace, quiet, going to the cinema to see a film I want to see (not Cars 3, Despicable Me 3, Finding Dory or whatever mind-numbing shite is on for kids), travelling without DC and all their crap, choosing destinations that appeal to ME alone, reading lots of lovely books, adult company, being free to do stuff in the evenings - dinners out, cinema, concerts, gigs, lectures, dance, exercise classes, running club, language classes.

It's hard to against 'the norm' OP and plough your own furrow, but don't be apologetic. The world is a far more interesting place with people who are living different kinds of lives and tbh, if any of these nosy parkers are remotely sentient beings they're probably just a teensy bit envious!

[Mittens1969]

I know what PurpleDaisies means, though. It wasn't something I liked to be told when I was infertile. But looking back, I'm really pleased I was childless for as long as I was, as I did lots of very interesting things, which wouldn't have happened if I'd had children earlier.

OP, life can be fulfilling with or without out children. There are times of stress on holidays when I'm hankering for those child free holidays when I used to spend a whole day reading a book cover to cover next to a swimming pool, breaking off only to go for a dip.

[Logans]

OP.

There are some brilliant comebacks from others on this thread!

I think often people are just very very thoughtless! I receive equally thoughtless comments but about a different subject and it's astonishing how people just don't consider the affect of their comments.

[juneau]

that you wouldn't go back and not have children now if you had a choice?

Re this ^, if you could take me back to early 2007, knowing what I know now, I would keep taking the little white pills. I love my kids to bits and wouldn't be without them now, but if I'd had the knowledge back then of what it's REALLY like (not the airbrushed, FB boasting, advertising crap), I'd have remained child-free, because I genuinely LOVED my child free life and I find life with kids tedious and restrictive. But that's just me.

[Happytobefree17]

Thanks and for all the lovely supportive messages from everyone so far. And in AIBU!

I'm just feeling sad today that's all.