To hate being asked why I don't have kids

[Happytobefree17]

I had a miscarriage a few years ago, the only time I've ever been pregnant.

Currently am single in my forties.

I'm coming to terms with the very painful reality that I'll probably never have kids.

And I am getting so fed up of people asking me why I don't have children and whether I regret it. I force myself to be polite and answer honestly. And then an given the obligatory advice of "have you thought about sperm donors, freezing your eggs" etc. Oh yeah, cos I've got to my forties unwillingly childless and have never thought to consider other possibilities.

I never bring up the subject or ask for advice and am uncomfortable about discussing this very personal matter.

I know I'm probably BU but sometimes I'm filled with an almost uncontrollable urge to tell them to fuck the fuck off and mind their own goddam business.

"Gosh, that's such a personal question."

Long pause.

"That's something I only really discuss with dh/dm/bf etc." And/or: "I can't believe you asked me that."

I think most sensible people will begin to backpedal after the first part, but if they don't you always have the second part to fall back on. And then carry on as if nothing ever happened: "Anyway... how was your holiday?"

PS. Sorry you're feeling sad. I reckon that's why this stuff is getting to you, because it's touching a nerve.

Asper I wanted to say I hope it didn't come across that I didn't appreciate your thoughts. I'm just feeling a bit sensitive today that's all.

I'm sure they're well meant, but I really hate the 'sometimes I wish I were childfree!' posts. Op has made it clear that for her it's a 'painful reality', not a happy choice (and OP, I'm really sorry about your miscarriage). For her this isn't an exciting opportunity, it's a grief that she is working through. It would be like going up to someone who lost their parents young and saying: 'well, you know, although I love my parents lots and I'm so glad that they're around so we can [insert long description of joys of family life] sometimes I wish that I'd inherited a house like you did and didn't have to worry about caring for them when they're old!'

Thanks Margaret you've hit the nail on the head

I know someone, who is childless by circumstance. Apparently it's surprisingly common. She has been to workshops. There are also support groups as well. They're apparently helpful. Google "childless by circumstance". There are loads of resources available to you.

OP My poor niece, now 42, has just had to give up on her dream of having a baby and is rebuilding her life round that. I feel for her and for you and would never ask anyone - woman or man - that question.

Happytobefree17

Yep, I hear you and I guess I've put my head about the parapet, replying to this thread while having children. But do you really only want replies from those who haven't? If yes, my apologies and don't read anymore of my thoughts!

I really thought there would be none -PCOS, infertile in first marriage and then they came along kind of late. For me, it was helpful that the friends I had with children (most of them did long before it looked like any kind of possibility) didn't hold back with the warts and all account of child raising. It encouraged me to do a lot of things they couldn't easily -in my case travelling, gym, sports. So I guess I know that life was good and fulfilling without DC. And I'm quite sure that life would have remained fulfilling. I would have always wondered about life with DC. But I also wonder what life would have been like without them now. So while of course no parent could ever wish children who exist out of existence, I guess I'm just saying that I can very easily imagine a fulfilling life (for me) without, and the list of things I'd be doing, but can't, is real and long.

Sorry for your melancholy today, though.

I think the subject of children gives people carte Blanche to ask the most delicate and instructive questions

My DH and I struggled to conceive our DS, I have PCOS and I eventually had to take fertility drugs and have surgery to help us conceive. Throughout the whole of us trying I was asked by all and sundry 'are you pregnant yet?' Some well meaning, some not. At some days in my cycle I was taking 5 tablets a day at various times (having to set alarms on my phone to remind me) to get pregnant so the comments 'just relax it will happen when you least expect it ' were very unhelpful
Once we had DS and within a few months people were asking us when we were having the next one

We have made the difficult decision to not have anymore children; various reasons that I won't bore you with, and I do feel bad that DS won't have any siblings or when grows up any nieces/nephews but it was our decision plus we have a nice-ish lifestyle.

Sorry you are going through this OP

I have a family member like this who would always ask loudly in public places around other family member did I want children/why didn't I have children/did I know that I was knocking on/btw you have left it too late to have kids, etc.

I just told him that it that this was a very personal and private question and that did they realise they could easily upset people as the person may not be able to have children.

I was childless by choice at the time but it had never occurred to them that their question may be offensive!

Dear Happytobefree, it's not the end, you will have a fulfilling and happy life, child free or otherwise. I would be tempted to start going into grim gynaecological details just to put folk off!! I genuinely think people just are in such a bubble, they think their lifestyle is the only way. Sending you a massive hug.

Some people are so bloody thoughtless! DH and I struggled to conceive, and were frequently asked by acquaintances and colleagues when we were going to have DC. After a couple of years getting upset about it I started massively oversharing about our IVF journey and m/c. The looks of horror and embarrassment on their faces were a delight to behold

That's really helpful, thank you Mummyoflittledragon. I've googled and come up with some good places to deal with this.

I appreciate posting this on a parenting website is somewhat ironic!

People are so rude. PPs who have said it's an incredibly personal question are right. I would never ask anyone that. OP I'm really sorry you are struggling.

I think in your shoes (and as you are clearly a lovely and polite person) I would probably restrict myself to saying, 'I beg your pardon?' when someone asked me that and then leaving a long pause. I would follow with 'that's such a personal question' if I had to.

Although personally I really like the fact that seeing says calmly 'it's none of your business' which is exactly the phrase they deserve.

After a couple of years getting upset about it I started massively oversharing about our IVF journey and m/c. The looks of horror and embarrassment on their faces were a delight to behold

I did exactly that with a male friend who asked me 'when I was going to start popping out some kids' - told him that, actually, I'd just had a miscarriage, that we'd been trying a while now and scared it wouldn't happen, etc. He was mortified and I thought 'well, at least he'll never ask a woman that like that again' - and then overheard him asking another female friend the same question not much later! Apparently some people really are just too dense to help.

@Happytobefree17, I'm sorry you're feeling down today, I remember how it felt to not know if I'd ever be able to have children, it's very depressing. And I know it doesn't help to be told that life with children is no bed of roses.

I remember that on the day my IVF failed without any fertilised embryos being fertilised, a friend of mine kept going on about about her pregnancy. I wanted to scream!!

Very sorry for your loss OP, and so sorry you are meeting such rude and thoughtless people.

So sorry OP, it's really shit

I'm militant about being incredibly open about our situation, but I understand others may not feel this is right for them

I'm fortunate enough that I've never been asked why I don't have kids, although I have often had deeply unhelpful responses when I've replied to the (perfectly reasonable) question of whether I have kids? (I think it's a perfectly innocent question to ask IF someone has kids, but not to ask WHY they don't have kids / 'only' have one child)

I reply 'unfortunately we can't have children' and whilst most people are lovely and say 'I'm so sorry' and leave it at that, there are those who like to chip in with the usual roster of unhelpful infertility bingo comments

'You never know!'

'My husband's sister's hairdresser's colleague's neighbour's cousin's PA's friend knew a couple who'd been trying for 17 years and had 14 IVF cycles and 12 miscarriages and she had blocked tubes and he had one bollock and a low sperm count, and they stopped trying and went on the adoption list and went on holiday and relaxed and got drunk and now they have quadruplets'

'Have you tried....'

'You're so lucky, I'd love to be able to have lie ins and holidays and buy nice clothes '

'Honestly they're not all they're cracked up to be'

'You can have mine if you want?!'

'Have you thought about adoption?'

'Why don't you just adopt?'

'Surrogacy is all the rage, all the Hollywood celebs are doing it, look at Kim Kardashian'

Etc etc

People mean well but really, it's deeply unhelpful and often very hurtful and dismissive of a very real and very deep trauma.

If someone tells you they are involuntarily childless (ie not child free by choice), it's OK to not know what to say. It's absolutely fine to say 'I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say'

Even better just to say 'I'm so sorry, it must be really hard'

Even better to say 'I'm so sorry, how can I best support you?'

Big hugs OP

We're at the end of our IVF journey and I can heartily recommend Jody Day's book 'Living the life unexpected', about coming to terms with involuntary childlessness

Hope you can find your way forward with as minimal input from fuckwits as possible

YANBU

A friend of mine recommends staring intently at their right ear and saying "God did not send them". She says that tends to stop the conversation dead. She also says that it gets better as you get older as people stop asking/ offering advice.

Here's the book I mentioned OP

"Living the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfilling Future Without Children"

www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Life-Unexpected-Meaningful-Fulfilling/dp/1509809031

And the network that the author set up, for women who are childless not-by-choice

gateway-women.com/

We got married when i was 23 and DH was 22 but didn't get children until seven years later. We both studied subjects that were quite tough with a large curriculum and no one who got kids while they studied what we did managed to keep on studying. Then after we were done studying it took a while to get permanent employment. When people asked when we were going to have children I explained that it wasn't possible to do that without dropping out of school, but then I also always added that they shouldn't ask as a lot of people have problems conceiving and what if I was actually crying myself to sleep each night because we couldn't have children? Turns out when we did start to try for a baby, that I am actually not that fertile, so I was spot on, though I didn't know it back then.

Bananafish. Thanks so much for your post. I empathise with every word you write. I'm really sorry for your situation too.

I've not gone down the IVF route mainly because I don't have a partner at the moment and I can't face doing it alone. But I can only imagine the additional frustration and heartache going on that journey entails.

I'll have a look for the book, thank you for pointing it my way.

PS, YY and eye roll to the bingo comments. I think "you can have mine" has got to be the most thoughtless "joke" ever uttered.

I'm dreading a family wedding next month for this reason. I'm 32, been with DH 13 years, and we've been trying since January. I'm at the point where I'm a bit dread-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach about going to the Dr about the fact my cycles are 6-7 weeks long so I'm possibly not ovulating at all.

I suppose it's going to be a case of making vague "Maybe one day" noises.

Yanbu OP. At all. People should not be asking such intensely personal questions. I think a lot of it is to do with women's bodies and by extension all matters relating to women's fertility being seen as public property. Even when you've got kids it doesn't stop: when are you having another; oh what a shame it's a boy again don't you want a girl; I always think small age gaps are best; onlies are lonelies; of course if you have more than two you're being selfish and on and fucking on.

I think the best response is a polite shut down and change of subject. It is really none of their business. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with such insensitive behaviour.

As for life without children being fulfilling - yes of course it is. But taking time to come to terms with what this means for you is no bad thing - and fulfilment comes in many guises - you don't have to rush off to Macchu Piccu (sp) or be a ball breaking executive to have a happy life lived to your best potential.

YANBU. I had a horrendous pregnancy and a very poorly, very premature baby. Even people who knew what DH and I had been through would ask "when's the next one then?" Ds is now 4 and the questions of "is he your ONLY one?" "Aren't you going to have a brother or sister for him?" continue. Having just lost a much wanted pregnancy due to complications, I'm seriously tempted to answer the next person by saying "No, actually, I've just lost a much wanted baby and, no we can't try again for another. Is that what you wanted to know?" I've a friend who has 4 children and she gets all sorts of rude questions too. I don't think anyone outside of the "normal" 2.4 children, mum and dad can win. for you OP.