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AIBU?

To hate being asked why I don't have kids

96 replies

Happytobefree17 · 20/08/2017 14:32

I had a miscarriage a few years ago, the only time I've ever been pregnant.

Currently am single in my forties.

I'm coming to terms with the very painful reality that I'll probably never have kids.

And I am getting so fed up of people asking me why I don't have children and whether I regret it. I force myself to be polite and answer honestly. And then an given the obligatory advice of "have you thought about sperm donors, freezing your eggs" etc. Oh yeah, cos I've got to my forties unwillingly childless and have never thought to consider other possibilities.

I never bring up the subject or ask for advice and am uncomfortable about discussing this very personal matter.

I know I'm probably BU but sometimes I'm filled with an almost uncontrollable urge to tell them to fuck the fuck off and mind their own goddam business.

OP posts:

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Piewraith · 20/08/2017 17:38

YANBU OP, I got married last year and since then quite a few people have asked if and when we will have kids.

Actually we are TTC. But it's such a personal question I don't like to answer. I feel like what people are really asking is "So are you guys having regular sex, and if so, is it the unprotected, penis in vagina type?" I'm no prude but that's way to personal even for me!

AnneGrommit · 20/08/2017 17:57

piewraith. I wish I'd thought to answer "No, I'm not trying for kids - I take it up the arse" when people asked me that question.

ImLizawithaZ · 20/08/2017 18:08

Yanbu I feel your pain. Now when people ask me I shrug and say "I've never had the chance", it usually puts a stop to their questions. Sometimes their look of sympathy feels like they're poking a wound with a stick but I know they don't mean any harm. Still hurts though so very much yanbu!

Happytobefree17 · 20/08/2017 18:15

I wish I'd thought to answer "No, I'm not trying for kids - I take it up the arse" when people asked me that question.

That really made me laugh!
Thank you for cheering me up!

OP posts:

Babbitywabbit · 20/08/2017 18:23

I have friends who are childless, some by choice, some not through choice and some I don't know- and wouldn't ask.

I have no doubt their lives are just as fun, interesting and fulfilling as mine is.

Doobigetta · 20/08/2017 18:35

"I think it turns people into selfish, insensitive bores, don't you?" (Include sympathetic head-tilt, but not the dreaded tinkly laugh as it makes me feel a bit stabby)

FeralBeryl · 20/08/2017 19:48

Happy **

I'm sorry you're having a particularly rough day sweets. May tomorrow be gentler to you.

Re: 'ooh take mine' joke I recently had the pleasure of ripping someone a new arsehole for saying this to an infertile friend in our presence. She was suitably mortified and hopefully won't crack it again after the stern lecture

Andrewofgg · 20/08/2017 20:57

If you want to give a sarcastic answer, there is this, which a colleague of mine (who had no children because she and her husband did not want any) used to use:

Well, you see, when my mother was pregnant with me, she went to see a wise woman who told her that the baby she was carrying was a girl and that if she ever had a baby it would be the Spawn of Satan and would bring about the End of the World, so I have never risked it.

AliTheMinx · 20/08/2017 23:45

Sending lots of love your way, OP. My friend is in a very similar situation and told me that it has taken her a while to accept that it will never happen and is only recently able to talk about it without crying. She describes it almost as a grieving process that she has been through and although she still feels sad she is now accepting of her circumstances and starting to plan her future and focus on other areas of her life. I agree that people can be horribly insensitive. I feared infertility after two miscarriages and was also reduced to tears on several occasions by overly prying questions. I wish people would stop to think before asking such personal questions. Huge hugs, OP xx

minoandolphin · 21/08/2017 00:06

I'm forever aghast at how people can possibly think this is ok. Met a couple at a wedding I went to recently who mentioned in passing that they didn't have kids...asking them why would have never occurred to me. It would be like casually asking someone what their favourite sexual position was, or the size and texture of their last bowel movement - just completely inappropriate and personal.

Whatever you choose to say to these people, OP, is completely up to you, but never worry about being rude to them. If you're having a bad day, and tell them to bugger off and mind their own business, it's fine. They have already been ruder than you could ever possibly be.

LostLovesLabours · 21/08/2017 00:25

God, people can be morons. I'm always surprised by responses on these threads which express regret at having children, complain loudly about their children, or list wonderful things about their lives before children. Totally irrelevant and so, so insensitive!

When asked if/why you don't have children, I'd say whatever makes you feel best because this is your life, not theirs. I suspect with close friends/ family from whom you would appreciate support it might be best to be open and honest if you can bear it and to allow them to be sensitive. With random people, I'd give whichever of the tinkly laugh type responses from this thread you feel most confident delivering.

Good luck and yes, you will have a fulfilling life - life is what you make it. Huge sympathy x

thegirlupnorth · 21/08/2017 00:35

How about I've never been in the right place at the right time. Or if,you feel brutal I've tried but didn't carry my DC to full term. Or oh I prefer safe sex!!

thegirlupnorth · 21/08/2017 00:41

Or, I'd prefer it if you would address my children's father with your questions. When they look puzzled just keep moving and if they Enquiry further say well when you've found him that means ill have found him too.

Personally I think I'd be brutal and say I'd rather we talk about your sex life than mine as I was brought up not to discuss such things. But my last period was bloody awful so can you recommend a decent flushable sanitary towel.....they'll soon fuck off!

Happytobefree17 · 21/08/2017 00:51

I would never say anything like what you suggest girl. Those responses would make me sound bitter and deranged.

OP posts:

scrabbler3 · 21/08/2017 11:47

If you don't want to come across as rude (don't see why, though) just look shocked/speechless.

A breezy "Why do you want to know?" is also good I think.

IGotRainedOn · 21/08/2017 17:36

I understand that bitter and deranged isn't a great way to come across but I think you can be straight with people and come across ok. I would avoid any answer that is subtle, PA, sarcastic or rude. I would just say something simply but clear. For example 'I don't like being asked that question as I find it too personal. I'd rather you didn't ask it again'. If that's still too full on then just say something evasive like 'That's a personal question, I dunno why I don't have kids, I just haven't' accompanied with shrugs.

thegirlupnorth · 21/08/2017 22:16

I never bring up the subject or ask for advice and am uncomfortable about discussing this very personal matter.

I know I'm probably BU but sometimes I'm filled with an almost uncontrollable urge to tell them to fuck the fuck off and mind their own goddam business.

My suggestions were based in an alternative to fuck the fuck off, sorry.

Just be honest and say I'm so tired of being asked such a personal question and if you don't mind it's not something I'm willing to discuss with you.

13bastards · 21/08/2017 22:19

I've used the 'so shall we talk about your sex life?' Retort to a super annoying ex colleague before, this was after multiple time of asking and my usual answers not working.

Did the job, she diddnt ask again.

Aria2015 · 21/08/2017 22:21

YANBU - I'm soooo mindful of not doing this! I was fortunate to have a baby after multiple miscarriages but I'm so aware that others aren't. It's so personal and people should mind their own business!

Oneggshellsallthetime · 21/08/2017 22:42

I like to use my Grandmother's response to uninvited or plain nosy enquiries, "That's for me to know, and you to wonder!" Which always struck me as a gracious response when ambushed by the thoughtless, ignorant or the outright rude.

It is the business of no-one else why I and exDH didn't have children unless I choose to mention it. And yes, life can most definitely be fulfilling without children.

NataliaOsipova · 21/08/2017 22:50

I think "Do you have kids?" is a perfectly acceptable bit of small talk. If, however, the answer is "No", then you step away from the topic. Completely. How anyone thinks it's okay to ask if you regret it is pretty staggering. It's even worse than "Why aren't you married?", which pisses one of my friends off no end. As he says, there really isn't going to be a good answer to that in any sort of social situation.

Agree with others - "Do you regret having such poor manners?" surely should be the response....

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