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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this rude af? (He it's another in-laws one)

35 replies

punkpuffin · 18/08/2017 18:13

Aaaahhh sorry I need to rant. My in-laws are very difficult people, they are toxic and dh has admitted he should cut them out of his life but he cant. Stupidly we told them I was being induced on the 5th, they rang the other day to say they were coming to visit on 21st for 4 days. They never ask what is convenient for us they just arrange what ever they want. DH rang back a few days later and told them we couldn't cope with 2 young children, a new born, me recovering from my back pain and mother in law who is disabled and needs help especially if we go out which they will want to do. DH asked them to come for 2 day and then agreed so we thought that was it, until father in law rang back an hour later to say he had booked the b&b for 4 night's. DH and I are fuming. This is not the first time they have just invited themselves. They just do what they want and don't give a fuck about anyone else. AIBU to want to tell them they are being rude and they need to consider us before making decisions.

OP posts:
Alicetherabbit · 18/08/2017 18:15

If they are staying in a B&B what is the issue, or will they expect you to take them out daily?

Hmmalittlefishy · 18/08/2017 18:16

Sounds tough.
If they are staying in a b and b can you only meet them for the 2 days you agreed and don't ferry them here there and everywhere. Any complaints just say 'we did say 4 days does not fit into our plans'
At least they aren't staying at your house (you can always lock the door and draw the curtains!! Wink

MissionItsPossible · 18/08/2017 18:16

Refuse to answer the door to them for the first two days and nights, then let them in for the agreed two days on the third and fourth. YANBU.

NicolasFlamel · 18/08/2017 18:18

Your first mistake was telling them the induction date!
You don't have to see them on each day. Just see them for a couple and say "sorry we did say we're busy/have other family visiting/hiding from you which is why we suggested 2 days." And they'll have to entertain themselves. Lock the doors, draw the curtains and let them be cross.

Original poster
punkpuffin · 18/08/2017 18:21

Alice they will expect to be driven around, they will want to go out for meals (which they will expect us to pay for) and they will expect to be picked up as early as possibke and stay all day with us.

They will need to be picked up from the b&b as they can't walk far so dh has mentioned he might just not pick them up for the last 2 days other than to drop them back at the train station. I don't knownif he would be able to go through with it though.

OP posts:
MarmaladeAtkinsX · 18/08/2017 18:24

They are manupulative, YANBU. However, they'll be in a B&B so that's a saving grace. You can be in control of visiting times. You can not open the door and say
It's not convienient, if they try and just drop by. Also let them know that you're really sorry you won't be able to join them on days out but hope they'll have a nice time.

My PIL seem completely oblivious to the difficulties of them visiting. be prepared to be direct with them about what you want and do it asap, don't leave it days before responding and keep saying it.

Did your DH reiterate that it was inconvenient when FIL said he'd booked? Or just let him assume you'd 'come around to the idea'?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 18/08/2017 18:27

They can expect away! Doesn't mean that they are going to get what they are expecting though.
If they are expecting to be collected from the B&B give them the number of a local taxi firm instead.
If they show up at your home, don't let them in. Close the curtains and if they phone, be polite "We did say that we wouldn't be available on X and Y date. I'm sorry you feel you've been inconvenienced by our unavailability but that is the situation and you should have booked the B&B for the dates when we were/are available. We would love to see you on A or B dates but before that, it is just not possible".
Or could you see them for the first two days of their visit and be done at that point??

Original poster
punkpuffin · 18/08/2017 18:27

DH has repeated that its not convenient. He will probably ring them again tomorrow and tell them again.

OP posts:
MamabearA79 · 18/08/2017 18:28

They should respect the fact you will just have had a baby and the last thing you'll want to do is chauffeur them about. I just had my first baby a few months ago and told mil I didn't want her visiting (too long a back story) she turned up at hospital anyway, was rude to staff 😡 and then sent her husband up with someone we have cut out our lives. I was doped up on painkillers after a c section but once I recovered, I got really pissed off. I'm still pissed off. Get your dh to tell them straight. People should wait to be invited, not just decide what they want.

Nomoreboomandbust · 18/08/2017 18:30

Tell them they wont be being picked up and then carry it through.

Same as children tell them the consequences of actions and then stick to them.

And stop sharing info

Nomoreboomandbust · 18/08/2017 18:32

Mama my blood boils for you!

Off topic but I always think maternity wards should give the prospective mum visiting cards and only those people given the cards can visit! And I am a nice mil. Grin

Dina1234 · 18/08/2017 18:37

Just make other plans on two of four days.

littlemisssweetness · 18/08/2017 18:38

Just don't see them, they aren't staying with you so itll be easy to ignore them

ElizabethShaw · 18/08/2017 18:40

You have to stand firm.

They can come and visit/have a meal with you on two days. The other two aren't convenient - unless maybe you'd like them and DH to take the older children out somewhere so you get some rest?

You've just had a baby, you don't want to go out for meals or day trips. Refuse.

mummabubs · 18/08/2017 18:43

Bless you OP, that's really shit. And this is exactly why I've said we're not telling any of my in-laws if I end up being induced or planned C-Sec (currently 33 weeks). That way we can control a bit better when visitors arrive. They are very well-meaning but a bit like yours need entertaining and want to spend all day with us so I don't think I'll be up to it post-birth! Good luck with yours, get DH to stand firm in saying that 2 days is all you're offering for visiting- can you say your family are visiting on the other 2 days or that you're just having private time for your new family to bond together before that?

Leeds2 · 18/08/2017 18:43

Let them visit for either the first or last two days. Tell them that these are the dates they will be welcome. Tell them that if they come for four days, they will not be welcome at your house on the other two dates. If necessary, draw the curtains, double lock the doors and put your phones on silent. If your OH can't go along with this, then he can drive his parents wherever he/they like, maybe with your toddler, as long as they don't end up at your house. If they do, retreat with baby to the bedroom.

jenm87 · 18/08/2017 18:44

can you not just say car has broken down and needs to go to the garage and its expensive to sort so cant afford meals and days out etc make it on the second and third day they are visiting so he doesnt need to drive them around etc

TillyMint81 · 18/08/2017 18:46

stand your ground. If they want lifts they are unlikely to turn up on your doorstep. You said no. They didn't listen. Do not back down.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/08/2017 18:46

They're arriving on a Thursday. I assume your dh will be back at work as he will have taken his paternity from 5th. So they're expecting you to ferry them round with a newborn and 2 young children 2 weeks postpartum.

Could you write them a letter telling them you won't be around? They can see you at the weekend. If they want a little holiday just round the corner, that's fine. Also perhaps include the details of a taxi company and some nice restaurants.

This is so rude. Angry

diddl · 18/08/2017 18:46

Actions speak louder than words.

Don't ferry them about/take them out & payHmm/see them more than you want to.

They treat you badly because you allow it.

morningconstitutional2017 · 18/08/2017 18:56

I suppose dropping a hint such as, "We must leave you to your own devices for a couple of days as we'll be very busy" wouldn't have the desired effect?

Original poster
punkpuffin · 18/08/2017 19:11

DH is taking a week's holiday at the end of his paternity leave so he will be around but we really wanted some family time as he works long hours.

This is just the latest in a long line of shit from pil. DH knows they are bad news he just can't let go yet. I'm hoping dh can put his foot down and tell them that 2 days means 2 days. I did offer to speak to them as I don't put up with their shit but dh has said he wants to deal with it.

OP posts:
WooWooSister · 18/08/2017 19:12

How far away do they live? If they are at a distance and travelling is difficult because of their mobility issues then I wouldn't be surprised that they don't want to travel back and forwards for two days so I don't think it is 'rude af' to take into consideration their own needs rather than your's when booking.
You've already said you're only hosting them for 2 days. They can make their own plans for the other two days.

ElizabethShaw · 18/08/2017 19:13

I wouldn't drop hints - if they're the kind of people who just do whatever they want regardless they're not going to take any notice of hints.

Call or email, tell them "as we said,we aren't available Tues or Wed but DH can pick you up at 11am on Thursday and bring you to ours for lunch and drop you back to the b&b at 3pm".

MamabearA79 · 18/08/2017 19:16

@Nomoreboomandbust
That sounds like a really good idea!!