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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed with this topless lady?

581 replies

user3785022135267845922 · 18/08/2017 13:09

... we r on holiday in a family resort in sunny country. There is a lady who keeps ending up on the sun loungers opposite us, who seems to enjoy lying topless by the pool everyday. She has a DS who looks about 15, and a DD who looks about 5.

I think it's really inappropriate to sunbathe topless on a family resort in full view of everyone and right by the toddler pool, and with her own DS around. Am I being unreasonable in feeling uncomfortable and wishing she'd cover up??

OP posts:

GladAllOver · 19/08/2017 21:54

Yes.

VeryCunningStunt · 19/08/2017 21:58

it is so sad that in this day and age some women can actually call the sight of breasts 'disgusting'.

Its horrible.

Very sobering to see a) the ease with which women will make damning judgements about other women's bodies and what they choose to do with their bodies; b) how insecure many women are due to their breasts/bodies not being 'magazine perfect', and how they don't want their DHs seeing other breasts on account of that; and c) how accepting many people are of allowing the male gaze to define and determine what is acceptable with respect to female bodies.

Very sobering

Jedimum1 · 19/08/2017 22:15

Chinkchink it's not the same because whilst the law allows in Spain to be sunbathing topless (and is also culturally acceptable), full nudity is allowed only in certain beaches.

ChinkChink · 19/08/2017 22:32

'Chinkchink it's not the same because whilst the law allows in Spain to be sunbathing topless (and is also culturally acceptable), full nudity is allowed only in certain beaches.'

I appreciate that, but I'm speaking theoretically. Why might we regard topless sunbathing as acceptable in public, but not naked sunbathing [were it legal]?

You can't argue that the human body is nothing to be ashamed of, and then pick and choose which bits that refers to.

Abbylee · 19/08/2017 22:33

I agree with OP, IF her eldest looks uncomfortable or if her bare breasts are wreaking havoc amongst the couples bc men are looking and wives are chastising them. (Yes, i can hear the outcry at that but part of being a civil society is not creating disturbances in public places).

If some people are angered by a woman who posted "it could have been me! In Barcelona) for making it all about HER, the a woman at a family resort with her nipples out could equally be seeking attention unless she left all of her swimsuit tops at home?

My point is nipples arent physically dangerous unless spurting milk but being the only woman topless is attention seeking and not just expressing her joy of sunworshipping.

Springprim · 19/08/2017 23:04

We went to the beaches in Barcelona this year for our holiday & there were lots of women who were topless, yet when we moved on to camp in a lovely family resort in the South of France, nobody was topless by the pool.
I don't have problem with it at all, but my DS who is 12 would absolutely hate it if I didn't cover my boobs. Perhaps it's a cultural thing?

ChinkChink · 19/08/2017 23:37

Actually I think it's a fashion thing rather than cultural.

I'm old enough [sob!] to remember when just about everyone sunbathed topless on their holidays in Europe although I didn't. That was for aesthetic reasons though - simply my personal preference. For the last [about] ten years it's been the fashion to wear one's bikini top in the resorts I go to so I was ahead of the trend, ahem.

A wee anecdote. When it was fashionable to sunbathe topless, I recall we were on holiday with my son and we'd brought his friend, both aged about 12. We were walking along one day and someone was handing out flyers for a club with topless bar staff. The two lads thought this was scandalous and there was much secret tittering between them. The same two lads that were daily playing in a pool around which was an array of every size of tit known to man and woman.

ButtHoleinOne · 19/08/2017 23:52

I would be amazed if my husband sat and stared at breasts. They're just boobs. And they're all different shapes, why would he be disappointed by yours after looking at someone else's? If you think that's likely then you have a husband issue.b

It's like they're all married to twelve year old boysZ

LockedOutOfMN · 20/08/2017 00:21

I agree with VeryCunningStunt.

it is so sad that in this day and age some women can actually call the sight of breasts 'disgusting'.
Its horrible.
Very sobering to see a) the ease with which women will make damning judgements about other women's bodies and what they choose to do with their bodies; b) how insecure many women are due to their breasts/bodies not being 'magazine perfect', and how they don't want their DHs seeing other breasts on account of that; and c) how accepting many people are of allowing the male gaze to define and determine what is acceptable with respect to female bodies.

GladAllOver · 20/08/2017 11:11

If the woman's breasts were tattooed with pornographic or racist images, I can understand them being 'disgusting' and needing to be covered up. But just ordinary, clean, natural breasts as carried by half of the human population?
Anyone calling that 'disgusting' needs to look at themselves, and think carefully about what example they are setting their children about their own bodies.

GladAllOver · 20/08/2017 11:23

My point is nipples arent physically dangerous unless spurting milk but being the only woman topless is attention seeking and not just expressing her joy of sunworshipping.

How are you able to read the motives of that woman? All you know about her is that someone took a dislike of her being topless and posted here about it. You don't know whether anyone else was offended. You don't know that other women there might have been jealous and wished that they could be doing the same, but feared Victorian responses like the OP's.

We don't know that her DS was offended - the report doesn't say that. In fact it doesn't say that anyone else appeared to be offended. It was all in the OP's mind.

All we know for sure is that the woman was enjoying the sun on her body. Just as I and many other women do when we sunbathe topless. I just hope that she had applied the necessary amount of sun block.

Strygil · 20/08/2017 13:31

I'm on holiday and taking the chance offered by warm sun and relaxed social mores to sunbathe topless. The only problem is this British woman with a face like a smacked arse sitting at the other side of the pool. She keeps lowering her copy of the Daily Mail and glaring at me as though I was doing something wrong by exposing my breasts to the sun. WIBBU to take off my bikini bottom and tan my pudenda as well? She'd probably drop dead out of sheer resentment if I did, though, so perhaps not. I think I'll just walk across to her and tell her to grow up and mind her own business instead.

robinia · 20/08/2017 14:37

Not rtft so apologies if this has already been said but if everyone is sunbathing topless then won't everyone be constantly having to avert eyes?
If people are not supposed to look at boobs then why have them out on display?
But fwiw, although I'd probably only go topless if everyone else was, I'm not fussed if anyone else is. Would far rather men covered up more for example.

poppy54321 · 20/08/2017 15:16

I grew up feeling modest. I always felt that way. We went to many European beaches as children and my mum always went topless which I never minded. Perhaps the fact that my dad would walk the beach in order to ogle breasts (fact) affected me or perhaps I was just made modest.

I had many male friends as a young person that were great people and quite a few mentioned over those years how much they liked seeing bare breasts on holiday. They were not horrid people, far from it. It is a revelation to me that some husbands don't mind either way. I am glad to hear there are men like this. Enjoy these husbands, they sound wonderful.

This thread is very helpful to me. Thank you OP for posing the question. I do not think any breasts are disgusting and I am not judgemental, boring, pious or wanting to repress anyone. I do think I am a little old fashioned in my modesty perhaps.

We go to Spain a lot. I love Spain and the Spanish people. I don't want to avoid countries.

What I would love is if there were some beaches, pools and hotels in each country that would be designated non topless and non thongs while we are at it. Just as there are nudist beaches for those people that prefer it. I think it's great there are nudist beaches. I would hope that non topless places would not make anyone feel disgusting or repressed or sad. I think we should accept and celebrate people's differences.

Donostia · 20/08/2017 15:28

Blimey, reading some comments I'm
glad my DS is growing up in Spain.

I think it's healthy for him to see women's bodies in all shapes and sizes before society tries to persuade him they only come
in barbie form.

Although it was frightfully embarrassing when at 10 months old he crawled over and tried to initiate a breastfeed from the lady on the next towel

GladAllOver · 20/08/2017 16:10

Not rtft so apologies if this has already been said but if everyone is sunbathing topless then won't everyone be constantly having to avert eyes?

Think about that for a moment. Do people have to avert their eyes from your face? Or your hands? No, they see them in passing and then move on. Your breasts are just the same - just part of someone passing by or sitting near.

VestalVirgin · 20/08/2017 16:26

What I would love is if there were some beaches, pools and hotels in each country that would be designated non topless and non thongs while we are at it.

Do you really mean non topless - or do you mean topless for men and non-topless for women? Do you think your male friends would accompany you to the non-topless beach if they had to, you know, wear a top?

I despise the double morals. Either everyone has to cover their nipples, or no one has to.
(and I encourage any woman who is given shit about sunbathing topless to tell the complainers that she identifies as male and they're transphobic for complaining. Might be of more use than just telling them they're applying double morals.)

Ippydippyskyblue · 20/08/2017 16:52

TBH, seeing another woman going topless would effectively give me the green light to whip of my own fiddly stringy bikini top. By lying down I wouldn't get annoying white bits, even if you had bf your children and were inclined to droopiness. By lying down, OP, boobs tend to flatten out, not droop. It's a good idea to put a high SPF suncream on your nipples though, as burnt nipples are rather painful. I'm sure my DH wouldn't mind a bit, either.
Plus her 15 year old DS seems entirely unperturbed. If it doesn't bother him, why on earth does it bother you?

poppy54321 · 20/08/2017 17:50

Nothing to do with morals double or otherwise. Vestal proves how difficult this is to even talk about, people get so emotive. People have different preferences that's all. Sad some can't be more accepting of others preferences. It's not such a big deal. I wouldn't dream to judge others going topless or nude on beaches so why create a fuss when others don't want to. Vestal I'm not sure about this idea of men in bikini tops, I don't think it will catch on.

CatsAreAssholes · 20/08/2017 20:31

^Not rtft so apologies if this has already been said but if everyone is sunbathing topless then won't everyone be constantly having to avert eyes?If people are not supposed to look at boobs then why have them out on display?
But fwiw, although I'd probab^

They aren't on display anymore than your arms or face are. You can notice someone's face but if you're not talking to them and staring at it It becomes an issue.

Although it was frightfully embarrassing when at 10 months old he crawled over and tried to initiate a breastfeed from the lady on the next towel blush

ForalltheSaints · 20/08/2017 21:11

Strygil go and ask the woman with the Daily Mail if she knows they supported the Blackshirts who were Nazi sympathisers. Topless or not.

pollymere · 21/08/2017 11:53

My dd (11) hates men being topless unless in a pool. She can't understand why they think it's attractive. Boobs when not feeding a baby are a sexual thing so being topless where there are families does seem a little inappropriate. I've been to beaches where I'm the only person who wasn't and in that setting it would have been fine. (Fear of burning rather than prudishness). I think OP has an issue with context rather than toplessness itself.

GladAllOver · 21/08/2017 12:16

Boobs when not feeding a baby are a sexual thing so being topless where there are families does seem a little inappropriate. I've been to beaches where I'm the only person who wasn't

So on these beaches where everyone else was topless, they were all being sexual?

The sexuality of breasts switches on and off according to whether there is a baby on them?

I'm sorry but you really need to rethink this.

RallyRoundTheFlagBoys · 21/08/2017 13:48

I told my DH that most of you believe that "breasts are not a sexual thing". He said that "99.999999% of men disagree".

squoosh · 21/08/2017 13:54

Oh well if a man says so he must be right!

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