Hi, after some impartial views as it is a mil post (!). Sadly Mil and I don't really see eye to eye so I don't know if this is clouding my judgement.
Back story, I have 2 children, a 2 yr old and a 3 month old. I try to include mil in all major things - christmas Easter etc and send her pics & invite her over to see dd1 & dd2. I try to have an amicable relationship with her but at times I feel she over steps the mark and crosses my boundaries with the children. I have spoken to oh and he agrees in the main but obviously he is in a tricky situation as it's his mom!
For dd1's first Christmas, mil announced she would be buying our advent calendars from now on, to include Dds so no need to buy her one. I was a bit like, oh, that's a surprise but ok thank you that's kind of you but I will still be buying dd a calendar (as I'm her mom!). We invited Mil to see Santa with us all at a lovely setting. On xmas day itself, she arrived at our house xmas afternoon for lunch and present opening, and without saying a word to us about it, presented dd with her 'first' letter from Santa, sat her on her knees and read it with her. I had already done this with her that morning and so I wasn't expecting it. She announced that she had written to Santa and he had written back etc and left a huge sack of gifts and stocking for her at her house....
I explained to oh after she left that first xmas night that I was unhappy with the letter and her also telling Dd about having loads of gifts 'delivered to hers'. I said Santa should be something he and I do and she had her turn doing this with him and his brothers so it's our turn now. He agreed and said he would talk to her...
So, Dd 2nd xmas, she arranged for us all to go to see a (really shit) Santa, without checking what our plans were first. It was also booked in on the first Saturday in Dec (to make sure it was first regardless of our own plans). On xmas day, she turns up first thing in the morning (unannounced!) and does the letter thing again! And this time she also started opening all of dds gifts (from her) with dd whilst i was out of the room preparing xmas dinner. We hadn't actually started opening ANY gifts at this point. I asked oh why he didn't say no and he said Mil apparently just handed dd a gift and started opening it. Oh said he didn't want to cause a scene by stopping dd as dd wouldn't understand. Mil had declined our invite for xmas lunch but was coming that evening (dd would still have been awake) so there was no reason for her to turn up like that.
I felt very annoyed and hurt tbh. I hadn't given Dd her letter and I felt Mil took that special 'excited face' moment from me. It turns out oh forgot to talk to mil but even so, I don't think she should be writing letters, opening gifts without seeing if we are Ok with that - given that we are the parents!
When oh was small, she and fil did all the Santa stuff and not the gps (she would have been livid!) so it's not like it's normal in their family either or gps to take on the Santa role.
Now, this is where idk if iabu....On Boxing Day (I kid you not) she announced she would be booking the same (shit) Santa visit for dd (and now dd2) this year. Me and oh were non-commital as we have own ideas. I've since told her we won't be doing that but we have planned as a family of 4 to go on a special outing and that this will be dd1&2s main visit to Santa his year as we want it to become a special event. I said we may go to the garden centre santa that we went to the first year again, and that if we do, she is welcome to join us. I have told oh to talk to her and say no more letters, in a kind but firm way.
Mil is used to having everything her own way. Oh is a bit brainwashed as his dad did everything she wanted all of the time and she has tantrums if she doesn't get her own way. As I say, I try to keep her on side as it's easier but I try to stand up for things that I consider very important to me.
She has kicked up a fuss over letters and not coming on the trip and suggested I was being unreasonable to deny her writing letters to the girls and that I should just let her do it - (as well as the advent calendars, gift opening, Santa visit planning and everything else a parent may want to do for their own children
So, iabu or is she over stepping the mark?