Christmas hijacked....already?! But Aibu?

[Witheredtits]

Hi, after some impartial views as it is a mil post (!). Sadly Mil and I don't really see eye to eye so I don't know if this is clouding my judgement.

Back story, I have 2 children, a 2 yr old and a 3 month old. I try to include mil in all major things - christmas Easter etc and send her pics & invite her over to see dd1 & dd2. I try to have an amicable relationship with her but at times I feel she over steps the mark and crosses my boundaries with the children. I have spoken to oh and he agrees in the main but obviously he is in a tricky situation as it's his mom!

For dd1's first Christmas, mil announced she would be buying our advent calendars from now on, to include Dds so no need to buy her one. I was a bit like, oh, that's a surprise but ok thank you that's kind of you but I will still be buying dd a calendar (as I'm her mom!). We invited Mil to see Santa with us all at a lovely setting. On xmas day itself, she arrived at our house xmas afternoon for lunch and present opening, and without saying a word to us about it, presented dd with her 'first' letter from Santa, sat her on her knees and read it with her. I had already done this with her that morning and so I wasn't expecting it. She announced that she had written to Santa and he had written back etc and left a huge sack of gifts and stocking for her at her house....

I explained to oh after she left that first xmas night that I was unhappy with the letter and her also telling Dd about having loads of gifts 'delivered to hers'. I said Santa should be something he and I do and she had her turn doing this with him and his brothers so it's our turn now. He agreed and said he would talk to her...

So, Dd 2nd xmas, she arranged for us all to go to see a (really shit) Santa, without checking what our plans were first. It was also booked in on the first Saturday in Dec (to make sure it was first regardless of our own plans). On xmas day, she turns up first thing in the morning (unannounced!) and does the letter thing again! And this time she also started opening all of dds gifts (from her) with dd whilst i was out of the room preparing xmas dinner. We hadn't actually started opening ANY gifts at this point. I asked oh why he didn't say no and he said Mil apparently just handed dd a gift and started opening it. Oh said he didn't want to cause a scene by stopping dd as dd wouldn't understand. Mil had declined our invite for xmas lunch but was coming that evening (dd would still have been awake) so there was no reason for her to turn up like that.

I felt very annoyed and hurt tbh. I hadn't given Dd her letter and I felt Mil took that special 'excited face' moment from me. It turns out oh forgot to talk to mil but even so, I don't think she should be writing letters, opening gifts without seeing if we are Ok with that - given that we are the parents!

When oh was small, she and fil did all the Santa stuff and not the gps (she would have been livid!) so it's not like it's normal in their family either or gps to take on the Santa role.

Now, this is where idk if iabu....On Boxing Day (I kid you not) she announced she would be booking the same (shit) Santa visit for dd (and now dd2) this year. Me and oh were non-commital as we have own ideas. I've since told her we won't be doing that but we have planned as a family of 4 to go on a special outing and that this will be dd1&2s main visit to Santa his year as we want it to become a special event. I said we may go to the garden centre santa that we went to the first year again, and that if we do, she is welcome to join us. I have told oh to talk to her and say no more letters, in a kind but firm way.

Mil is used to having everything her own way. Oh is a bit brainwashed as his dad did everything she wanted all of the time and she has tantrums if she doesn't get her own way. As I say, I try to keep her on side as it's easier but I try to stand up for things that I consider very important to me.

She has kicked up a fuss over letters and not coming on the trip and suggested I was being unreasonable to deny her writing letters to the girls and that I should just let her do it - (as well as the advent calendars, gift opening, Santa visit planning and everything else a parent may want to do for their own children

So, iabu or is she over stepping the mark?

Missmolly, if Mil wasn't so grabby (attention) and didn't undermine and try to control my family at every opportunity then I would agree with you.

I want a good relationship with mil and I hate that she just won't respect the fact that this is mine and oh family unit ..... she's like a giant old grandma cat pissing all over my territory and generating bad feeling with me in doing so. I have tried to talk to her previously about other things. Her reaction? - she carried on anyway and then in my mind the lines were drawn!

She knows exactly what she is doing and that's why she rushes in and charges at my dd (so we can't say no as she is already doing/giving/saying whatever she wants).

Volo - I wish!!!! The girls are too young and I love xmas at home but she will drive me into booking xmas away....

One brilliant poster earlier took theirs to Lapland. Bloody brilliant idea!

Glitterlips....you used the word stealing. That is exactly how it feels for me! She doesn't bother with my girls the rest of the time then turns up at xmas acting all entitled and steals those special moments from me!!

I was with you until you said you couldn't wait for them to get married. Far too much overthinking.

My MIL loves doing stockings. She gives all the kids 'New Years' stockings that she's very clear she buys because she loves the idea. Adult grandchildren get there's too!

Green, I was being sarcastic. I am normally perfectly rational and reasonable but Mil just won't back off and it's really getting me down.

And....You betcha she will be planning weddings for them if she's still around and they decide to get married. Mil has actually already had a huge sulk because we won't get the girls baptised. We aren't religious and not is she! She wants them to be baptised and wear her old baptismal dress because her own dm wants a photo of them in it.

Sister, that's really lovely. I wish my mil was like that 😔

Don't get the angst sorry. I think it sounds nice. My in laws utterly disinterested- the more people that love your kids the better.

Fair enough kera. Sorry re your in laws. My parents aren't around so we only have one grandma and I know it sounds ungrateful but these times are so special and short....and she has already had hers with her own children. It's unfair for her to take these moments from me - she wouldn't 'share' any of them, she literally takes them for herself, and that makes me upset and angry.

Whatser....nightmare situation for you but you've sorted it and given me hope! x

Is your oh not the children's father?
If he is they are your children, not to be referred to as my children.
The fact I presume they are half his means he gets a say in their upbringing, and he seems happy enough in mil plans, otherwise he'd say something as his mum and half his kids?

speak to your oh let him know it's not acceptable to side with mil, which is what he is doing if he says or does nothing about it.

Your oh is your problem not your mil, he should have nipped it in the bud the first time neither of you were happy.

Gilly....yes, oh is the girls' dad. I agree he needs to stand up and say something. Lots of others have said same and tbh I hadn't really considered his role in this before I started reading the replies. He doesn't agree with her but it's almost like he knows better than to stand up to her as she always does what she wants regardless. Last time he disagreed with her she threatened to 'cut him off' (she sold an heirloom despite the original owner wanting it to go to my oh or one of his brothers simply because she didn't want to see any of them wearing it) so I think that is still reverberating in his mind.

I had to stop my own mother with this nonsense before D's got old enough to realise.

She now dies Christmas Eve - Christmas Pj's, Christmas book. Works a treat. She's also realised that she can build the role as he gets older with santa tracker, Dvd, treat box. She's happy and we've reclaimed Christmas. All is good.

*does Christmas, not dies

Your boundaries are exactly that - yours. You don't have to objectively be able to defend them to anyone or do what anyone else thinks they would do in that situation.

When you've nicely explained to someone to stop doing something please and why, and you're sure they've had all the information, and they don't do it, it isn't that they don't understand. It's that they want what they want. You can't deal reasonably with someone who's intent on getting their own way and aren't interested in your feelings or taking any responsibility for keeping a good relationship with you.

Nice ways of dealing with this will only work with nice, respectful people. People who use their behaviour to get their own way rely on you being nicer than them, and on knowing that you'll feel too guilty to stand up to their behaviour.

In behaviour terms, behaviour that works gets repeated. Behaviour that doesn't work gets changed. If gate crashing you at 8am on Christmas morning makes you furious but gets her to get her fun with your dd then she'll go on gate crashing. Locking the door, not answering the phone, keeping the curtains drawn if need be and ignoring hammering, (or being somewhere else entirely for Christmas morning!) may make her think again.

If it makes you feel any better, there was a Christmas where one brave MNetter had to resort to misleading her PiL as to the restaurant and town where she and her dh were eating a meal Christmas Eve to prevent them gate crashing as they insisted on doing despite all pleas, reasoning, arguments and trying to help them understand that her parents were entitled to SOME time over Christmas. It became apparent that they did in fact turn up at the restaurant she led them to believe they would be at.

YANBU and I agree with PP this looks like a DP problem. If he doesn't support you in establishing boundaries then this will escalate.

I think you will have to assert yourselves that you will not be receiving anyone on Christmas Day. I assume MIL doesn't have a key?

Or you will have to stop her establishing a routine by going elsewhere or moving far far away or on holiday.

I would be tempted to say Boxing Day is for extended family as that way she has very little chance of any "firsts." Also, tell her you are doing advent calendars and Santa visits. Just keep repeating yourself and if she kicks up just ask her if she is feeling unwell and give her the head tilt.

You need to learn to say no although she could buy an advent calendar. When we were first married we went to in-law Christmas eve and my parents boxing day. That way we could never b accused of favouritism (or just piss them all off). I think I would be tempted to not let her in If she turns up early or take your daughters upstairs when she knocks so you can stop her before she starts taking over. I would make plans to see Santa and when she tells you she has booked something just say sorry we're already sorted but you're welcome to join us.

Thanks all, good suggestions! Going to have a think and then talk to OH to come to some agreement in how mil is to be dealt with. - and that he needs to back me up instead of backing down!

You need to head her off at the pass OP. Sorry if I said this upthread. You need to be organised in advance with firm plans.

Do you have an idea of what time she will come over on Christmas Day? Is there a church service on around that time? A nice winter walk with the dog? Be out and then she can't call. When she spits feathers over it just tilt head, smile sweetly (you need to learn how to do this) and say oh, we weren't expecting you.

Although one understands your wishes I do think that to have a granny who cares so much you are most lucky.book the activities you wish and invite her along,give her a special job to do that will involve her and thank her for her efforts.

If all else fails sit down and have a heart to heart with granny.

Sounds like she is doing some lovely Christmas stuff for your wee ones. Not why any of this bothers you tbh!