Christmas hijacked....already?! But Aibu?

[Witheredtits]

Hi, after some impartial views as it is a mil post (!). Sadly Mil and I don't really see eye to eye so I don't know if this is clouding my judgement.

Back story, I have 2 children, a 2 yr old and a 3 month old. I try to include mil in all major things - christmas Easter etc and send her pics & invite her over to see dd1 & dd2. I try to have an amicable relationship with her but at times I feel she over steps the mark and crosses my boundaries with the children. I have spoken to oh and he agrees in the main but obviously he is in a tricky situation as it's his mom!

For dd1's first Christmas, mil announced she would be buying our advent calendars from now on, to include Dds so no need to buy her one. I was a bit like, oh, that's a surprise but ok thank you that's kind of you but I will still be buying dd a calendar (as I'm her mom!). We invited Mil to see Santa with us all at a lovely setting. On xmas day itself, she arrived at our house xmas afternoon for lunch and present opening, and without saying a word to us about it, presented dd with her 'first' letter from Santa, sat her on her knees and read it with her. I had already done this with her that morning and so I wasn't expecting it. She announced that she had written to Santa and he had written back etc and left a huge sack of gifts and stocking for her at her house....

I explained to oh after she left that first xmas night that I was unhappy with the letter and her also telling Dd about having loads of gifts 'delivered to hers'. I said Santa should be something he and I do and she had her turn doing this with him and his brothers so it's our turn now. He agreed and said he would talk to her...

So, Dd 2nd xmas, she arranged for us all to go to see a (really shit) Santa, without checking what our plans were first. It was also booked in on the first Saturday in Dec (to make sure it was first regardless of our own plans). On xmas day, she turns up first thing in the morning (unannounced!) and does the letter thing again! And this time she also started opening all of dds gifts (from her) with dd whilst i was out of the room preparing xmas dinner. We hadn't actually started opening ANY gifts at this point. I asked oh why he didn't say no and he said Mil apparently just handed dd a gift and started opening it. Oh said he didn't want to cause a scene by stopping dd as dd wouldn't understand. Mil had declined our invite for xmas lunch but was coming that evening (dd would still have been awake) so there was no reason for her to turn up like that.

I felt very annoyed and hurt tbh. I hadn't given Dd her letter and I felt Mil took that special 'excited face' moment from me. It turns out oh forgot to talk to mil but even so, I don't think she should be writing letters, opening gifts without seeing if we are Ok with that - given that we are the parents!

When oh was small, she and fil did all the Santa stuff and not the gps (she would have been livid!) so it's not like it's normal in their family either or gps to take on the Santa role.

Now, this is where idk if iabu....On Boxing Day (I kid you not) she announced she would be booking the same (shit) Santa visit for dd (and now dd2) this year. Me and oh were non-commital as we have own ideas. I've since told her we won't be doing that but we have planned as a family of 4 to go on a special outing and that this will be dd1&2s main visit to Santa his year as we want it to become a special event. I said we may go to the garden centre santa that we went to the first year again, and that if we do, she is welcome to join us. I have told oh to talk to her and say no more letters, in a kind but firm way.

Mil is used to having everything her own way. Oh is a bit brainwashed as his dad did everything she wanted all of the time and she has tantrums if she doesn't get her own way. As I say, I try to keep her on side as it's easier but I try to stand up for things that I consider very important to me.

She has kicked up a fuss over letters and not coming on the trip and suggested I was being unreasonable to deny her writing letters to the girls and that I should just let her do it - (as well as the advent calendars, gift opening, Santa visit planning and everything else a parent may want to do for their own children

So, iabu or is she over stepping the mark?

Mickey....first shoes too! Perhaps mine isn't so bad when I think about it

Steele mil does nothing the rest of the time sadly so it's not like we owe her a thing!

But it still won't negatively effect your kids if she reads a letter to them on Christmas or takes them to see Santa as well as whatever you've got planned... In fact, it would probably make their Christmas even more magical

She sounds like a bit of a cow. She can see that it bothers you but she is still bent on getting her way. It's est to take control before the behaviour escalates into non/-seasonal problems.

Mummy2017 if I tried to explain why she would still do it. She really is a very pushy and self obsessed woman. If she wants to do something it usually happens but if it's something she doesn't want to happen she will be very passive aggressive and dismiss it/not join in. She's been invited for xmas dinners, Easter lunches etc and ignores the effort I've gone to....'offers to help' when she can see I've already done everything and sits on her arse being waited on.

YANBU. Sometimes you need to stand up to people, but if you feel that you can't for whatever reason then you need to get sneaky 😉 My ds gets his letter from Santa in the middle of December reminding him to keep being good etc. You could just get in first like that and then pick your battle over the Santa visit.

Steele, I see your point but I handwrite the letters and so does she...and it doesn't make sense for santa to write to her as well and deliver gifts to her house when the girls live here. It will get confusing and I think it will make it less believable for dds. Also, I don't want my mil riding roughshod over such a special thing that only lasts a few years. She did this with her own kids and her parents wouldn't have dared intrude!

Meh. Only thing about this that would annoy me is the turning up unannounced. But then again I like my MIL very much.

Oh she does not sounds like a fun mil. Rather bizarre and intense.

She's going to kick off but if it was something you'd be prepared to entertain maybe you wrestle control back by having a Christmas event that's just for grandma and they just do it with grandma and she can go as bonkers as she likes. My granny grumble always took us to panto on Christmas Eve. It includes her she can't take over. You can make it a Boxing Day event so she can't add her own traditions. Panto is one of those things that as a parent you can kind of give away because it's not that special iyswim?

Hungry donkey.... love that idea! Downgrade very tempting!

It will negatively affect them as they get older though Steeley. My dd is 9 and still believes. But for the last couple of years, everything had had to be carefully orchestrated as she's had her doubts. If another person were to get involved, cover would have been blown.

YADNBU. I also thought you were from the other thread. If your dh won't do something about her terrible behaviour, you need to. These people can only get away with it if you don't call them out. Now you know what she may potentially do, time to put the boundaries in place of what is and isn't going to be acceptable in the run up to Christmas.

YANBU. This would drive me mad! I think if your DH won't speak to her you need to and be firm x

Maybe book a secret family break this year? But for the love of god, don't tell here where! X

Santa is for the parents to orchestrate, she got to do it all with her children. Now it's yours and DHs turn to enjoy with your daughters.

I'd just make sure to say "these presents came from granny" and intervene every time she tried something if she's so hell bent on being so annoying.

YANBU. it's not that she wants to do nice things for your DD's, it's that she's trying to take these special moments for herself and not allow you to have them. My MIL did something very similar and was told.

YADNBU

However, in order to keep the peace a bit, why don't you suggest something that she CAN do for your DDs that is special and is only for her to do. DM used to make something for my DDs each year. DSM always buys them Christmas jumpers.

Christmas this year is a Monday which gives you the day before Christmas eve to do Christmas with MIL. Could you make that "spoil MIL day" - book a panto and a restaurant and whatever else you can think of out of the house, tell her excitedly all about all the special things you're doing with her on that day. Tell her she should bring her present to dd along to open in the restaurant or wherever (out of the house, so no sacks full!).

And then tell her she isn't invited to yours on Christmas day, as you're going to be slobbing in your pjs and you won't be answering the door to anyone, you might even turn your doorbell off - tinkly laugh.

And then swiftly move back to how much fun "Christmas with Grandma Day" is going to be ...

YANBU at all. I do think the advice about suggesting MIL take the girls to Panto is great. Make sure it's after Christmas on Boxing Day or NYE, then she can make that "hers" without it spoiling your Christmas plans.

You and OH definitely need to put your foot down re Santa and especially re turning up unannounced on Christmas morning - that is bang out of order. Set your boundaries and stand firm; if she tantrums like a toddler then treat her like one. "Giving" her the panto trip might sweeten the pill for her.

Would it be possible to steer the conversation around to "Tell me about the things you did with your DC at Christmas when they were small?"

Then "That must have been a lot of fun for you?"

Followed up by "And what things did they do with their GPs? "

And finally "And how would you have felt if their GPs had insisted on doing some of those fun things that you wanted to do yourself"

Not very subtle but might make her stop and think.

I assume MIL lives nearby? Where are your family in all this? How you proceed depends on the level of involvement you have with your family to some extent, and also how much you are prepared to upset MIL.

If your family are some distance from you and MIL is local, I assume she sees more of the kids and sees herself as top grandma - apologies if your mum is no longer around or you are not on good terms with her. You could look at spending more time with your family at Christmas, maybe going to stay with them for a few days, so whatever MIL does in the run up, she doesn't get to spoil the actual day. The risk of this is getting into a turn taking scenario that has you shackled for years to come, and then never being able to do Christmas at home just the four of you.

If MIL is a bit annoying but basically OK and you want to stay on good terms with her, maybe one way to get her to back off from the things you want to do with the kids is to give her a special thing that just she does with them - Christmas baking, making ornaments for the tree, whatever. From what you've said about her, I don't see this working as it sounds like she does what she wants regardless.

If you are less fussed about falling out with her, then set boundaries and consequences. Tell her you're doing the Santa visit or whatever it is and she's not to get tickets for hers - if she does - consequence, don't go to hers. She can spit and scream all she wants - you told her not to get tickets and that if she did you wouldn't go. It needs to be clear that if she makes plans or buys tickets without prior agreement, she can't assume you will give in and go - Santa visits, pantomime, celebratory meal out, whatever it is. If she turns up unannounced you don't have to let her in either. You don't have to be rude about it - now is not a good time, why not come back tomorrow as we agreed, sorry we're just about to go out ourselves, sorry we have visitors, sorry we have flu and we'll call you when we're feeling up to a visit etc You will have to deal with the consequences of this yourself though - tantrums etc, and if you are reliant on her for financial help, babysitting or other childcare, she may use that as leverage to get what she wants. I know lots of people use family for childcare while they are working, but I would suggest not ever doing that with MIL, she will use it as an opportunity to undermine you all the way by the sounds of it.

I can sympathise, as my mum made up some stockings for the toddlers next door as gifts (pinching my bloody stocking!), and I had to wrestle them off her before she delivered filled stockings to the kids two days before Christmas!

I must be missing something because I do not see a problem with this

am feeling rather useless -have never heard about Santa writing letters. Perhaps i was so naughty he ignored me ?

Notso santa comes xmas eve not two days before in the form of a neighbour!

I don't think some of the stuff your mil does is that bad to be honest. My son's grandparents gave him presents from Santa that had been left at their house. He's 12 now and never ever questioned it. My parents did a stocking for him every year. They also give him an advent calendar but I still get him one too, I just get him a different kind, so if they get him a chocolate one, I get him a lego one or something. He loves it. They love it. I like sharing his excitement with them. My mum always loved christmas and it was so fun seeing that side of her with my son (she passed away last year which is why I'm using past tense).

I can see your point with some of the stuff with your mil, just not all of it.

Your DH is failing you.

He nees to back you up and explain to her in no uncertain terms that she is trying to usurp your rights as parents to do these things with your DC. She had her chance to do this with her own children, and now you want to do it with yours. You are not being unreasonable

Ask her how she would have felt if her inlaws had gotten in their first with every special 'first' every Christmas and acted like she didn't count as her children's parents. Because that's what she's doing. If she says she wouldn't have cared, she is lying and you know you'll need to tell her she won't be welcome if her behaviour doesn't stop.