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AIBU?

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Original poster

In thinking friendship with childless friends most often change for the worst?

100 replies

heyhosilverballs · 15/08/2017 21:20

I'll preface this with saying that I do have a couple of friends with whom things have remained ok. (Interestingly they've both worked a lot with kids though.)

Bar those two I've become distanced or fallen out with all of my friends who've not been able to or haven't wanted kids.

I had one friend come and stay for a month just after ds was born, a best friend. It was a disaster. She dislikes kids and clearly resented the time i was lavishing on ds (who was three months so still very needy) instead of her and became quite spiteful. The friendship collapsed. A couple of years later we tried to rekindle it but she still gets spiteful digs in and I'm over trying anymore.

Others friends have come and stayed and have been similarly annoyed at me not wanting to go out drinking until late etc.

I have an old friend staying now who've I've not seen in years. We used to go out partying a lot. She's being really impatient and snappy with ds (he's 3 so he can be a little irritating even to me as my pfb Grin). She's clearly annoyed at me paying him attention. He watched tv for 3 hours yesterday so we could chat and I got him to bed early. Today she's sat around being annoyed that I'm doing so much housework (I stuck a load of washing on as he got plastered in mud and peed himself) and have been making him and us breakfast lunch and tidying up after, nothing excessive.

She's constantly wanting to chat or do something and I'm trying to balance that with giving ds enough attention so he doesn't act up and wind her up even more thus making him even worse (the toddler and impatient person vicious cycle.)

Then I say ds is going for a nap and I'll try to nap too (she wanted to stay up until 2am drinking and ds was up at 5am so I'm really lagging.) Shes all of a sudden got a tremendous burst of energy and is slamming around the house for the last hour and a half. Sad

I'm dreaded ds waking up and having to keep the pair of them both happy but apart. Ugh.

She wants to do long involved dinners and chats and that just isn't possible!

Someone tell me they can retain some old friendships without them thinking you're the most boring and rude fart ever and you being a half assed parent?

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 15/08/2017 21:27

Am I missing something? Both friends stayed with you but expected you to pay them more attention than your child? Your friend now is snapping at your son in his own home?? Both friends annoyed with you for trying to parent??

RedStripeLassi · 15/08/2017 21:30

It's really hard but it depends on the friend. One childfree friend never wants them and hates talking about them let alone me dragging dd out with us but another desperately wants kids and she loves having dd around and doing child centred things.

Some childfree adults do expect you to pay more attention to them than your child sadly.

Andcake · 15/08/2017 21:31

You sound a bit naive and a bit silly for not thinking things through. You are letting this happen to you it is not a done deal. Friendships change but need nurturing and managing.

I think where your going wrong is having people to stay. Having been the childless friend and now a mum it's about doing it in a normal space. Have a night out or a lazy lunch without your child. Or find an activity where child can play (3 hours of tv no) a park where you sit and chat.

You need to take control and plan things out...

ChocoholicsAnonymous · 15/08/2017 21:32

They sound like shit selfish friends

ChocoholicsAnonymous · 15/08/2017 21:33

I'm not sure you can call them friends tbh.

Trills · 15/08/2017 21:33

I think it's the "staying for a month" or "staying in a house with a 3 year old" that is the problem here.

Madeyemoodysmum · 15/08/2017 21:33

My best friend was distant for a while but I blame myself as well. I was no way innocent. Obv in the baby bubble at the time. Now 9 years in we are more like old times and are really enjoying each others company again. We both have other separate friends as well as each other and that's helped.

She also enjoys my kids company more now they are older and can interact have a conversation etc.

dollydaydream114 · 15/08/2017 21:33

Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

I have no kids. Lots of my friends do. I see my friends often and we have a lovely time. But I don't expect them to do stuff they can't manage with kids, and they don't expect me to do kid stuff with them.

I had one friend who I saw very little of when her children were small, not because I didn't love her to bits but because I could visit her and literally not have a single conversation that wasn't about her children. Not one. Neither of us would get much out of the visit because she was so focused on the kids that I might as well not have been there and she would literally ignore me and start talking to her toddlers every time I spoke. This is not an exaggeration. She was an extreme case, I think. However, her kids are older now and we meet all the time without them and get on like a house on fire, which is great.

mogulfield · 15/08/2017 21:34

My childless friends have all been really understanding. They offer to help and totally get it that I can't go out drinking anymore.
I guess the only saving grace is that they'll realise when they eventually have kids?

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/08/2017 21:34

Wow. Taht hasn't been my experience at all. I haven't had as much time for friends in general, and there are more obvious reasons to get together with my friends with children. But none of my childfree friends has been anything but lovely to my kids. I tend to upset them more by using them as my escape from family life when they would really like to get to know my children, who are , of course, a huge part of my life now and very important to me.

When I was childfree I don't think I was a great friend to my friends who had children, I didn't put in as much effort as I could staying in touch with them and I didn't realise just how busy they were making it harder for them to stay in touch with me. But I never resented their children or expected them to me ahead of their kids.

I think your child free friends may just be selfish!

Trills · 15/08/2017 21:34

When you see your friends with children, do they always have their children with them?

Trills · 15/08/2017 21:35

I agree with @Andcake that you and your childfree friends are not making sensible plans regarding the time you spend together.

Original poster
heyhosilverballs · 15/08/2017 21:35

I should have said, I moved abroad so friends have to stay.

OP posts:
Original poster
heyhosilverballs · 15/08/2017 21:36

There is also nowhere they could stay near me even if they wanted to.

OP posts:
Original poster
heyhosilverballs · 15/08/2017 21:36

Sorry that was a huge drop Fred!

OP posts:
NellieUnkles · 15/08/2017 21:36

Yabu.You were quite mad to invite someone to stay for a month when you had a newborn -- that would have tested the strongest friendship. And the friend you have staying now simply doesn't sound very nice. But deeply unreasonable to conclude from two unpleasant experiences that friendships between parents and childfree people are doomed.

Original poster
heyhosilverballs · 15/08/2017 21:36

Ffs. Drip feed!

OP posts:
runningyogabooze · 15/08/2017 21:37

YANBU

paintingbutterflies · 15/08/2017 21:37

I am in the middle of that dolly

It is hard for both parties but your friends don't sound very nice OP.

StickThatInYourPipe · 15/08/2017 21:38

I am very close with my friend who has children and with the children themselves. Infact they posted me a picture they drew of all of us as one big family and I have it on my wall at work.

Not every childless woman is selfish and self-centred

NellieUnkles · 15/08/2017 21:38

Sorry, hit post too soon. I wa the childfree friend for years, before having DS at 40, and the friendships which have fallen by the wayside have done so because of our various moves between countries, rather than because of some uncrossable gulf.

Original poster
heyhosilverballs · 15/08/2017 21:39

It's not just two. They were the two I've gone in to the most detail about. And yes I may have been naive having someone to stay that early but I'd been a nanny for almost 20 years so thought I knew it all. GrinAnd dh and her mostly arranged it as he was working crazy long hours for a few months and I was alone in a strange country with no other friends back then.

OP posts:
Original poster
heyhosilverballs · 15/08/2017 21:40

And there are some that have survived as I said in op. But MOST haven't. And it really isn't from my pulling back or lack of trying. Moving abroad and being so isolated made me try all the harder.

OP posts:
Trills · 15/08/2017 21:41

I think you have a quite specific experience here, and so YABU to generalise that friendships with childless friends go bad.

Pennywhistle · 15/08/2017 21:41

We were married for nearly ten years before we had children due to fertility issues. Nearly all our friends and family had children during that period. We happily stayed with most of them enjoying time them and their children.

Your issue isn't "childless people" it's just that you need to make friends with nicer people.

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