In thinking friendship with childless friends most often change for the worst?

[heyhosilverballs]

I'll preface this with saying that I do have a couple of friends with whom things have remained ok. (Interestingly they've both worked a lot with kids though.)

Bar those two I've become distanced or fallen out with all of my friends who've not been able to or haven't wanted kids.

I had one friend come and stay for a month just after ds was born, a best friend. It was a disaster. She dislikes kids and clearly resented the time i was lavishing on ds (who was three months so still very needy) instead of her and became quite spiteful. The friendship collapsed. A couple of years later we tried to rekindle it but she still gets spiteful digs in and I'm over trying anymore.

Others friends have come and stayed and have been similarly annoyed at me not wanting to go out drinking until late etc.

I have an old friend staying now who've I've not seen in years. We used to go out partying a lot. She's being really impatient and snappy with ds (he's 3 so he can be a little irritating even to me as my pfb ). She's clearly annoyed at me paying him attention. He watched tv for 3 hours yesterday so we could chat and I got him to bed early. Today she's sat around being annoyed that I'm doing so much housework (I stuck a load of washing on as he got plastered in mud and peed himself) and have been making him and us breakfast lunch and tidying up after, nothing excessive.

She's constantly wanting to chat or do something and I'm trying to balance that with giving ds enough attention so he doesn't act up and wind her up even more thus making him even worse (the toddler and impatient person vicious cycle.)

Then I say ds is going for a nap and I'll try to nap too (she wanted to stay up until 2am drinking and ds was up at 5am so I'm really lagging.) Shes all of a sudden got a tremendous burst of energy and is slamming around the house for the last hour and a half.

I'm dreaded ds waking up and having to keep the pair of them both happy but apart. Ugh.

She wants to do long involved dinners and chats and that just isn't possible!

Someone tell me they can retain some old friendships without them thinking you're the most boring and rude fart ever and you being a half assed parent?

This is not about childless friends. This is about people coming to stay and wanting a holiday, to go out and do things. While you, because you have a small child and living your life are trying to carry on and doing your normal life with your friends.

I think that you have just had very different expectations about what was going to happen when they visited.

Most people, with children or not, want to do stuff on holiday.

My 3 closest friends are childless. My best mate has been wonderful, just totally normal and fun. But she has brother whom is 10 years younger so spent her teenage years around nappies/play pens/other toddlers etc. She's always been fab with kids.

The other two are a gay male couple who have been my good friends since school. Our lives have gone in different ways, despite us being friends for over 20 years it's been hard sometimes, they don't really get the kids thing (not because they are gay, just that it's not in their life at all) and they are incredibly House proud So visits there are a no. For example one had a day time birthday BBQ, obviously DP and I were invited. I know how proud they are so asked if I could pop in with DS (who was 6 month at the time). They said no. I respect that but it did mean that we didn't go. There's been a few occasions like that and it means I miss out on the social occasions with other friends too but I chose to have kids, I don't expect others to accommodate them against their will.

Op in your first post you said that your childless friends are unreasonable and don't get that you can't go out etc etc but later you start drip feeding about you feeling nostalgic of the good old days now you are turning 40. Which makes you sound resentful of them.

Trust me I don't want to go out raving for days on end anymore even if I could. I'm just feeling like an era has passed and a little sad.

I don't have the option to get a babysitter. They all knew this before they came. We live in a very isolated area. Also, the nearest place to go out is hours away so not something even dh could have helped with.

OP as a single and child free female (by choice) I want to ask you to think about it from a different perspective.

Your friends liked the pre kids you and enjoyed your company obviously. You then presumably chose to move away and have kids and they maybe just miss you and want to spend time with you. They didn't ask for this to happen and were possibly fine with the way things were before but you changed that. Now they just want a bit of time with an old friend. Yes they could be more understanding but if they're using annual leave and money to come to you then presumably they just want a nice time too.

I've done enough partying for five people lol. Just feeling a little old and past it which makes me feel sad.

She's been bloody awful today.

Last night I tried talking with her about how it must be so different now and I hope she didn't feel I wasn't giving her enough time and attention. She told me it was fine but it seems to have made her more bloody needy!

I only got 3 hours sleep last night again as she was up late banging around the house then ds woke up with a screaming nightmare early. I'd told her ds and i needed a nap today and that the house is quite noisy and the sound really travels and she proceeded to crash around like gozilla on crack.

I asked her to keep an eye on ds for five minutes whilst I had a shower (couldn't do it when dh was home as she'd already had TWO showers and used all the water.) came down and she'd fucked off for a walk!

That and asking for things every two fucking minutes. "Can I have a cheese omelette?" "Can you come look at my car?" "Can I have a coffee?" "Can you read this thing I wrote?" And the leaving of towels on the floor, plates on the table after eating. Fuck ever having anyone to stay ever ever again!!!!! And possible the worst is not even attempting to take off her bloody make up and plastering my lovely white company sheets in foundation and eye make up. And all my towels.

I think people are right at this point. Nothing to do with having kids, she'd be just as much of an arse.

I dont want kids and would never act like your so called friends! But then i also dont drink and while i wouldnt want to change a nappy (OCD, the reason i cant cope with a kid of my own) id happily cook/feed the little one, watch cartoon/kids tv and play with them with their toys. You just have very rude childless friends.

OK she's just mardy. Is there something going on in her life for her to act this way. Presumably she wasn't like this before or you wouldn't be friends.

Has she been to visit you before? Did she realise how isolated you are and that going out is not an option

She's been to visit a few times. She's always been pretty inconsiderate but this is something else. Poor ds has been trying to nap and she's woken him up twice so now he's hysterical. She was having a yelled phone conversation right outside his room and dropping stuff! I never want to see her again!

Dh actually came home from work early and is at the amount of noise she's making. He's said she's no longer welcome.

You asked her to look after your child and she went out for a walk?! Jeessuuusss wept. None of my friends would be that much of a twat.

Think it's time you put your foot down - she's really taking the piss.

I hope that you have asked her to leave. And it's OK to feel sad that a friendship is over

OP your friend sounds ridiculous and selfish. She could've seriously endangered your son just walking off and leaving him unattended. And there's no need to be so inconsiderate with noise.

Clearly this trip isn't working out so I hope you just ask her to leave. Your friendship may or may not survive of course, but sounds like it won't anyway!

I'm militantly CF and not always the most tolerant of parents and children, but your friend sounds like a dick.

So I went away with her last night as dh told me to take a night for myself (and get her out of the house.)

The friendship is over in my eyes.

She got drunk and was the designated driver, I couldn't get a taxi or another place to stay so drove back with her. I kept begging her to stop drinking. She nearly crashed on the way back to the hotel.

She stiffed me in the restaurant for the bill and is now saying she can't give me a lift ten minutes down the road in the morning so I can get home as she wants to have a lie in. (I'd have brought my car if I'd known this.) I'm stranded here unless I call a friend who'll have to drive miles to pick me up.

She's woken me up three times tonight by slamming around banging doors. I'm too bloody tired to get angry though.

She wants to come up again next week as we're having a big party. I think fucking not.

Bloody hell, OP. Book her into a hotel room and tell her to leave. That's it.

She sounds absolutely horrible.
Honestly it's not all child free people. I was the token child free one in a group of friends where I lived before and was totally happy with coffee and cake mornings instead of boozy nights, keeping an eye on the kids to help out etc.

No I'm leaving as soon as I can find a ride to where dh can pick me up.

I don't even think I'll bother to wake her but I have stuff in her car.

She slammed off to bed in a huff muttering about not giving me a lift because I told her she needed to slow down (she was doing 60 in a 30 area) and stop texting on her phone.

I'm CF. but this is nothing to do with her being child free, she's just a cunt.

I promise we aren't all like this. Hope you get back ok xx

OP, you are mad to have got in the car with someone who'd been drinking. Never ever feel you have no other option. There is always another option.

Hope you got home safe and packed up her things - surely you have to tell her to leave now. She's gone over the mark from inconsiderate and negligent to criminal behaviour. She could have killed someone driving while drunk. She could have killed YOU.

You both sound like self-centred people tbh. You have invited her to stay and just expect her to waste her holiday time watching you do chores and helping you to look after your kids. She doesn't have any tolerance for you being a mum and expects you to carry on as before.

I don't have kids, but some of my friends do. I don't particularly enjoy spending time with other people's children, and I accept that my friends can't do drunken late nights anymore. So we do the commonsense thing where the friend's partners or a babysitter have the kids for an evening or a few hours in the weekend daytime and go for lunch or dinner together. A nice catch-up with no kids, but not a late night. When you have friends to stay, surely your DH can look after the kids for some of the time so you at least can spend some time with your friend without the kids?

Childfree people need to accept that, for a mum, the child comes first. Mums need to accept that people without kids may well not actually be very interested in your kids.

OMG....

I have a friend who doesn't want children which is obviously her choice , however I also don't want to hear I hate children everytime we speak..So consequently we rarely see each other.

However if she wants to come down next week , she is close enough to be kicked out the house.

She sounds awful and completely inconsiderate - I'm sure no one would find her a good house guest, with or without children! If you're finding this (on a toned down scale, hopefully!) is happening repeatedly with different friends, though, you need to manage expectations better. If your place is isolated and you intend to completely carry on with your normal routine then it's not clear what you want them to do. It would be different if you lived in a big city with tourist attractions that they might want to go see in the day but you don't, it seems. Are they really supposed to sit and entertain themselves in the house all day while you do childcare and chores? I can see why they'd be pretty upset by that. They probably already feel like they've made an effort by travelling and taking leave, etc. - and then you seem to make it clear that you don't really want them there and that you have no intention of doing anything to fit in around them, it all has to be one way. If that's how it will be I suspect they'd rather not visit at all.

I only have childless friends and have never had the issues you describe, she sounds like a bit of a dick. My friends stay over every 5 or 6 weeks and are always happy to be around our daughter and accept that our life continues.