To be upset by the state of my house after being in Hospital?

[candycandles]

So I'm pregnant, hormonal and three days away from a csection so fully prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable. But;

I have been in hospital since Thursday with pregnancy complications. I keep a relatively tidy house (not a overly tidy or neat freakish but I like to keep it tidy enough to not be embarrassed if someone we're to stop by unexpectedly) however am really genuinely upset that I've come home and found my partner has made no effort whatsoever tidy up after himself whilst I've been gone. We have two toddlers, who have actually stayed with grandparents or been at nursery whilst I've been away, so minimal need for mess from them and he was away at a stag do for the weekend/work/hospital with me so also not been here much. Somehow though there's clothes all over the floors (in all the bloody rooms), he's not fed the fish at all, four days worth of dishes (sat next to but not in the dishwasher) general rubbish e.g. Cardboard boxes food packet, let alone none any of the typically needed housework done. I could go on.

Sadly I'm not even exaggerating how much mess there is either, my university aged sister (who lives in typical student squalor with her friends) even thought it was too much when she came in after bribing me home. I didn't necessarily expect him to do what I usually do in terms of housework (although that would have been nice!) but just to keep on top of any new mess/dishes etc.

There was a risk I'd not be let out in between today and Friday when my section is due, so although I'm pleased I didn't have to bring a newborn into this (and probably more) mess, which would have upset me even more, I am disappointed that my partner was unable to look after himself and the house without me there in even a basic way. I am worried about what happens when I bring baby home now, and the lack of support I might get in terms of looking after the house/children etc... He's not the best at housework granted, but surely I shouldn't expect to have to come home to chaos?

So AIBU to be disappointed, and should I say something? Happy to be told I am and to keep quiet, I really don't fall out with him and waste energy I'm soon going to need!

I think that you need a serious conversation. You will have three preschoolers to deal with soon. You won't have time to do all of the housework.

It's disgraceful that you came home to such an untidy house that a student made a comment.

Neglecting the fish is cruel.

All of this shows a lack of maturity on his part.

I'd go straight to bed and order a takeaway. He hasn't even had the kids.

Does he hold down a job?

Unbelievable. I'd be absolutely livid. You're extraordinarily calm.

If you'd said the washing hadn't been done and was just left in the hampers or that the dishwasher hasn't been emptied or something I'd think, "fine, irritating as all hell but everyone has different standards." But this is totally not acceptable.

Of course you need to speak to him, and not feeding the fish is animal cruelty, obviously he hasnt forgotten to feed himself!

I agree with cider. Refuse to come home until it's sorted and you need to have serious words.

That is so completely unacceptable

I with cider. when he rings, you say "you can sort that shit hole out before I set a foot back in the house."

That's disgustingly lazy. Has he no respect for you at all ?

I'm not a tidy person but I would go apeshit at this. Really I would. Fuck me he didn't even have the decency to feed the bloody fish. What a child.

Yes I agree with cider too. No going home until he's tidied it.

Did he think the fairies would do it ? Or was he expecting his pregnant unwell partner to do it when she came out of hospital ?

YANBU! That is completely thoughtless and I would definitely say something!

For the record, it isn't all men either. I am 27 weeks pregnant and DH has been decorating the entire house since February - painting, tiling, laying floor and eveb doing the gardening etc etc and he has helped out with housework AND calls me on the way home to see if I want dinner picking up... in the first trimester I was so tired but felt so guilty not doing anything and he kept telling me to rest and not to worry.

God MN makes me feel so bloody lucky!!

I'd be quietly seething but right now you need to conserve energy. When you see him face to face give him a verbal dressing down. You need him to step up. And don't even hint about hormones affecting your judgment, that way lies madness.

It sounds like you have a top bloke there, you are making him sound so good that we all want one like him!

I think you need to have words with him before the baby comes explaining that you need his support now and in the future.

Most important thing is not to do it yourself. Go to bed, and refuse to come down until he's sorted it. Poor you, I bet you were really excited to come home too .

should I say something?

I find it hard to believe you haven't said anything already! I'm guessing as you already have two DC with this "man" that you know what he is like and also have one on the way! . He sounds utterly revolting and the not feeding the fish alone would make me LTB. How cruel.

To leave four days worth of washing up,is just disgusting and so bloody selfish. That house should have been immaculate for your return. I can't see this lasting if he carries on this way. You deserve far better than this OP. You'll have four children with him added. Man child!

You aren't going to tidy it all up for him are you? Please tell me you didn't load the dishwasher?

If you did then that's you confirming to him that you and he both agree that you are the dishwasher. Personally, I refuse to be a household appliance.

Yes you have to say something. I hope he listens. He needs to "get" that its not on to leave mess around and expect to be tidied up after. I get sick of hearing about relationships that become a physical burden with the woman having to pick up after a grown man..whats the bloody point of having that angst in your life.. But hopefully you get on well with your partner otherwise and whilst its entirely ridiculous to have to teach a grown man to suck eggs, if he listens and starts pulling his weight then thats a good thing

I'd be so upset, he should have been extra vigilant so you came home to a lovely relaxing home, what on earth was he thinking, I'm with those who said turn around and text him that he seems to have forgotten you were due home so you'll pretend you haven't seen the mess and return later. He should get the hint that this isn't acceptable.

YANBU - also pregnant at the moment, and I would be absolutely furious if my DH left everything to me. The majority of the time, I will tidy as I go so I do a bit more than him but I would be furious if it was just left for me to do.

Hormonal? Who cares, say what's on your mind, if possible trying not to blow your casket, unless instead of apologising and telling you he is going to sort it all out, he either pretends it's not an issue, try to come up with ridiculous excuse, or worse, blame it on you (surely the hospital shouldn't have let you out yet!)

I would be absolutely furious, and you being upset has nothing to do with bloody hormones. Your husband is an inconsiderate fuckwit.

useless bastard. YANBU. I would lose. the. plot. if i came home, particularly having been gone under those circumstances, and he has trashed the place.

I'd turn right around and tell him you aren't coming home until he tidies it.

You sound really calm about this. Of course it's not your hormones, even your student sister said it was bad.

I'd be fucking fuming and would have a right go at him, before telling him to sort it out.

I'd also make sure he knows that he'll need to pull his finger out because you're not going to be in any position to be doing all the housework in the future.

And those poor fish, it takes seconds to feed them.

Do not clear up his mess otherwise he will continue to act so badly. I would turnaround and go to a friends or family until it was sorted out. It is unacceptable in my book. He does realize that very soon he is going to be doing all the shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning and childcare?

You should go FUCKING MENTAL at him. Make him think twice in the future.