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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want DP to grow up

101 replies

crazycatgal · 14/08/2017 19:25

DP is 27 and we've been together for 7 years, we don't live together because we can't afford to so both live with parents. I'm currently still studying so that I can become a teacher.

DP graduated at 22 and ever since has worked for the same large retail company planning kitchens. He is on a 16 hour contract and often does more but his wage is around a pound above minimum wage and he often complains that he is skint. I keep telling him to get another job but any efforts are half-arsed and he only applies for jobs that I find for him - he can't be bothered to sit down and job search himself.

There are other companies where he could do the job that he does now but he says that he doesn't want a job that's commission based as the commission isn't guaranteed. This annoys me because he is on around 11k a year and the basic salary for these jobs is around 18k which is much more than he is on.

DP has a car on finance which costs around £320 a month and uses up most of his wage when fuel is factored in too.

He can't cook, doesn't know how to use the washing machine and never does anything around his parents house and doesn't pay any rent either. He is an only child and his mum really enables his behaviour.

I know I have a year until I will be working full time but I'm worried that when I am working full time DP will still be the same and If we want to move in together I'll be the one paying for everything and doing everything around the house. I've tried to talk to him about how I feel and he just gets moody and doesn't change.

I wouldn't be bothered about his low wages if he was actively trying to find another job and acted like an adult by doing household chores. I just feel like he can't be bothered and I don't want to spend my future working hard in order to prop up another person.

OP posts:
BeachyKeen · 14/08/2017 19:27

He is who he is, and won't miraculously change.
You need to ask yourself very honestly, do you want to live with him as he is? Because what you see is what you get.

GeorgeTheHamster · 14/08/2017 19:30

He's going to be a nightmare to live with. He'll expect you to do everything his mum does.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 19:33

You know who he is. Why are you so annoyed?

ILoveMillhousesDad · 14/08/2017 19:35

He isn't going to change. You have a decision to make.

crazycatgal · 14/08/2017 19:36

@Gorgosparta yes I know who he is but when you love someone and have invested years into your relationship it's not easy to just walk away.

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 14/08/2017 19:36

People only change when they want to. If you don't like the future you see with him then move on.

ScarletForYa · 14/08/2017 19:37

He sounds like a man child OP. I'm guessing the situation as it is suits him fine. I doubt he's going to change.

You're starting to realise the way he is, is the way he probably always will be. He has all the makings of a cocklodger.

Sadly you have a decision to make. You only get one life, unfortunately this guy doesn't have the makings of a good life partner. He'd make you miserable and poor.

MoreProseccoNow · 14/08/2017 19:37

I think you're outgrowing him. You met young, and while you are going onwards & upwards, he isn't. Time to move on. Don't waste all your 20's on a bloke with no ambition who is happy with an easy, non-challenging life, when you have moved your life forward.

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2017 19:38

The teenage boards are full of posters trying to get children like this to leave home!

Why on earth would you want to live with him?

ScarletForYa · 14/08/2017 19:40

Oh and sorry OP, it's not an investment. Check out the sunk costs fallacy

MoreProseccoNow · 14/08/2017 19:41

Ah, the great sunken costs fallacy (google it).

Seriously, you will grow to resent him. Don't be in this situation in 10 years time - your resentment will kill any love you have left for him.

pinkdelight · 14/08/2017 19:41

What does he do for the rest of the week?? Working 16 hours by choice when you're young and child-free and a graduate and not bothering to apply for other jobs despite being skint is just bizarre. Unless he's a stoner, or has some other similar reason for having zero go in him. I'd let him go tbh. You got together young and he's not grown up now and probably never will.

Moanyoldcow · 14/08/2017 19:41

Google the 'Sunk Cost Fallacy'.

Putting a lot of time into the relationship doesn't justify sinking in even more.

Moanyoldcow · 14/08/2017 19:42

Ah, crossed with at least 2 PP!

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2017 19:43

No, it's not easy to walk away, but it will be easier now than 5 years from now, because that's what will end up happening.

If he hasn't grown up by 27 there is no hope, and staying with him would be like tying an anchor around your neck. He is useless and always will be. Please don't delude yourself into thinking he'll change. He's just waiting for you to be the breadwinner. Then he can go from Mommy's house to his new Mommy's (YOU) house. Move on and find a real man.

Ceebs85 · 14/08/2017 19:44

Man children never grow up. You won't change him. You've some big decisions to make. I couldn't be with someone like that!

Maelstrop · 14/08/2017 19:44

Don't have children with him. Don't move in with him, you'll end up doing everything.

When you qualify, you will have no leisure time, you will be working your arse off. Your DP sounds like the ultimate man child.

SnugglyBedSocks · 14/08/2017 19:45

You say you love him....but you want him to change....therefore you don't love HIM, you love who you think he should change in too.

FelixtheMouse · 14/08/2017 19:45

its not just easy to walk away
True, but it can be a great relief when you do.

crazycatgal · 14/08/2017 19:46

@pinkdelight he often works more than his contracted hours and generally works from 1pm-9pm when he's working. He does nothing with his morning as he doesn't like to get out of bed and his mum has to get him up so that he isn't late for work.

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 19:47

yes I know who he is but when you love someone and have invested years into your relationship it's not easy to just walk away.

Its eaiser now than when you live together or have kids or are married.

You have known him 7 years. He isnt going to change. He will say he will. And he will for a few weeks.

So either stay with him and put up with it (nor recommended) or split.

Ceebs85 · 14/08/2017 19:48

You will just become his replacement mum. Guaranteed. Sorry OP xx

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/08/2017 19:53

Unless you want to parent a teenage boy I'd think about leaving him. He won't grow up until he moves out of mum's and he presumably can't afford that and as you know he doesn't have the motivation to earn more.

user1493630944 · 14/08/2017 19:58

You are almost certainly wasting your time with him. Either accept him for what he is or end it. If you don't end it the likelihood is that you regret it. There is almost no prospect of him changing, certainly not while he lives at home.

TeachesOfPeaches · 14/08/2017 20:03

He is 27 and his mum wakes him up for work which starts at 1pm ShockConfused

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