To want DP to grow up

[crazycatgal]

DP is 27 and we've been together for 7 years, we don't live together because we can't afford to so both live with parents. I'm currently still studying so that I can become a teacher.

DP graduated at 22 and ever since has worked for the same large retail company planning kitchens. He is on a 16 hour contract and often does more but his wage is around a pound above minimum wage and he often complains that he is skint. I keep telling him to get another job but any efforts are half-arsed and he only applies for jobs that I find for him - he can't be bothered to sit down and job search himself.

There are other companies where he could do the job that he does now but he says that he doesn't want a job that's commission based as the commission isn't guaranteed. This annoys me because he is on around 11k a year and the basic salary for these jobs is around 18k which is much more than he is on.

DP has a car on finance which costs around £320 a month and uses up most of his wage when fuel is factored in too.

He can't cook, doesn't know how to use the washing machine and never does anything around his parents house and doesn't pay any rent either. He is an only child and his mum really enables his behaviour.

I know I have a year until I will be working full time but I'm worried that when I am working full time DP will still be the same and If we want to move in together I'll be the one paying for everything and doing everything around the house. I've tried to talk to him about how I feel and he just gets moody and doesn't change.

I wouldn't be bothered about his low wages if he was actively trying to find another job and acted like an adult by doing household chores. I just feel like he can't be bothered and I don't want to spend my future working hard in order to prop up another person.

@Aquamarine1029 do you want me to sit here replying to every single comment?

Hey catgal - I'm sorry this thread must be hard for you to read. It is hard to be told someone we love is being an arse, even if privately we agree.

You got together very young. I guess he's your first most serious relationship. But by 27 he really is running out of time to change enough to be the man you'll want in the future. You know that, even if it's heart wrenching.

In your 20s, make & save as much money as you can, as well as having as much fun as you can. Pensions will make more for you the earlier you pay in. If you have children, you'll never be able to save the same way again. Working 16 hours now when he's healthy and has no other commitments is simply lazy and short-sighted.

You don't want to live with a lazy man, you really really don't. No matter how much you love him, he'll take it all and then more and leave you ragged.

You sound ambitious and switched on. You're training as a teacher, it's tough but so worthwhile. You'll need your energy for yourself and the kids you teach. Don't give it away on someone who doesn't need or deserve it.

I'd advise you to split up. Tell him why, don't sugarcoat it. The decision is his if he loves you enough to change. Get on with your life in the meantime. If it's meant to be it will, but equally you might find you're happier single or even meet someone else.

He won't ever bother to change without a shock, though - his behaviour tells you that. That's why this thread is unanimous on what you should do, even if it's horrid to hear.

I agree with everyone else. Plus When you qualify and start working in a school it's highly likely you will encounter a fair number of single male teachers who have a much more 'matched'approach to you. Teachers v v often marry teachers because you'get' the rather unique pressures of the job and you get the holidays together. If you are still with this deadwood you are limiting lots of future options.

Get rid. I was with somebody like this for a few years, utterly adored him, still think fondly of him even, but we managed a year and a half living together before it was just too much. I did all of the cooking, on the one night I was so ill I couldn't get out of bed, he made himself food and I had to beg him to make me plain pasta, which he made then forgot about so overcooked it. Housework was beyond his capabilities. It was I found myself planning our future around his inability to do anything and realising that if we had a child together I'd have to go back to work full time very early on that I realised I couldn't stay with him. I realised that beyond the six month point of living together I'd only been staying because I felt that I'd invested too much already and couldn't leave. I'm sure that you're thinking that given that it's been seven years but you'll be so much happier with somebody who is your equal.
It's really not worth it. Leave him.

i agree with the other posters - one or two red flags alone might be doable but there are SO many things in your posts that make me want to shout run for the hills

his mum having to get him up
no financial planning/spending it all on his car
no "get up and go" at such a young age
wanting to remain in a safe setup
not pitching in

the problem here is that you don't have the same values as him

he doesn't prioritise the things that you find important (financial stability, building a future together, working towards becoming an independent adult)

he will not change, he's a teenager in a 27 year old's body

you sound like you love him and care about him, and yes you have lots of time invested in the relationship... but think about it: just because you care for him doesn't mean your values match, or that he'll be able to fundamentally u-turn to suddenly share your drive/ambition/values

he may change for a short period if you leave him, but he's shown you who he is, what he values, and it's completely at odds with what you want from life.

step away with fond memories now, or else - mark my words, op - you will look back in 10 years having been run ragged, possibly juggling work and children, and married to him, and it's far more difficult to extricate yourself then

break away from him whilst the logistics are easier than in 10 years

you're just avoiding the inevitable if you stay with him now. sorry.

at least this way you'll part ways whilst on good terms (broadly speaking, i know it will be painful)

Since I've been married and living with DH (having never lived with anyone before) I shudder to think what it would have been like if we'd have had different attitudes to money and housework and differing work ethics - I honestly think it would have been hell on earth and we don't even have kids. Unless he changes he will sap your spirit and drain your finances.

He sounds like my dad (rip). My poor mum had had a fab boyfriend beforehand but they were quite young to settle down so decided to split up.
She then met my dad and assumed he'd grow up and be responsible (with her help), just like her previous boyfriend.
Dad died in his sixties and he NEVER CHANGED.
He was a nice bloke but he was always rubbish with money and a bit of a dreamer.
Poor mum!
At least I learnt from her mistake.

His mum has to get him up to start work at 1pm???? 😂😂😂😂 are you sure he's 27 and not just a tall 14 year old?

I's ask his Mum to stop babying him use another phrase so she doesn't throw you out And teach him to do laundry/ironing/cleaning seeing he only works 16 hours he has time to learn all these skills so when you live together he'll be a bit more useful and not think you are going to do everything his Mum did.

As a teacher myself, I can tell you that [just about] all other teachers I know have a few similar traits:
They are hardworking, ambitious and they love to see people achieve.
If you are with someone who does not share your drive then I can't see how this would be a successful relationship.

Disclaimer: I am aware I have made a sweeping generalisation, I have also met several teachers who are the completely opposite. order is restored

You could try suggesting that when you move in together, seeing as you'll be working full time, he'll be doing all the housework, see what he says?!

I think you know the answer here, be reminds me of an ex, but his issue was smoking cannabis,I think he's off that now and grown up a bit (I hope!). If there's nothing like that, it's just how he is and he isn't going to change

yes I know who he is but when you love someone and have invested years into your relationship it's not easy to just walk away

Not easy, no, but it doesn't matter how many years you have 'invested' in this relationship. He is who he is and he either suits you or not.
All you can do is talk to him and explain that you can't see a future with him as he is. Be totally honest but if he is happy as he is you can't make him change. We can't dictate how someone should be to suit us.
Don't waste any more time unless he decides he needs to change. I wasted 12 years on someone who was incompatible with me and it took me a long time to realise I was wrong to insist he be what I demanded.

Have you spoken to him about what his ambitions are, where he sees himself in 3 years time?
If the answers are "to have the highest score on " and "in bed", then ditch him pronto.

If your dreams and visions for the future do not align then you're not right together irrespective of how lazy & idle he is.

If he says he plans to be earning ££££, be with you and have kids, then ask him what he's going to do to achieve it.
If it's relying on the CEO of Apple knocking on his door & giving him an overpaid job for doing nothing, or winning the lottery, ditch him.
Ifs it's something realistic, then he has to set goals and achieve them in a designated time frame, e.g. learn necessary domestic skills in a month.

It might be painful & it's scary in case you hear what you don't want to hear, but you've got to do it for your own good.

This is who he is, and who he has been for the entire 7 years you've been together.

YABU to think that you can change him. Totally unreasonable to expect him to change to meet your requirements.

Dump him and find a man who meets your requirements instead.

He's not going to get better with age, you know.

You say you invested a lot of years in him but you're only in your twenties! Take that time as a lesson learned and move on. Stay friends if you need to but don't plan your life around him.

You're still very young and have many more years ahead to invest in a good and balanced relationship than the past 7 years. You've obviously grown up over the last 7 years, maybe your DP was already as mature as he was ever going to get by 20 years old.
You'd both be happier with other people. I hope things work out for you OP.

You did his job searches for him! That's fucked up. Why did you do that? It is a very strange thing to do for another adult. What were you thinking? Did you realise you were being weird?

DP is 27 and we've been together for 7 years

when you love someone and have invested years into your relationship it's not easy to just walk away

Did you not notice during the first few months/years that he was idle? This hasn't just hit you now, surely?

And the investment issue, think of it as a learning curve, this time has taught you not to accept this behaviour in the future. If nobody left their arsehole partners just because they had been in a relationship for a while, then there would be alot more unhappy people in the world. It is not a bank, nobody is holding your investment safe for when you want to withdraw; you have one life, don't waste it pandering to a lazy piece o'shite.

@RunRabbitRunRabbit why is it weird to send potential jobs to a partner?

It is weird because a 27 year old man (or woman) shouldn't need their partner to job search for them, they should have the drive to do it themselves. Unless of course they have no intention of getting a better job or ever moving out.

@Greyponcho he does say that he wants to get married and have a mortgage, but when I ask where he sees himself careers wise he doesn't know. I keep telling him that he needs to decide what sort of job he wants in order to move forward.

@Mandraki I understand that I should have to do it for him but I was wondering why run was saying I'm fucked up and weird?

Shouldn't sorry

He sounds like a sulky teenager. He absolutely shouldn't need mother dear to wake him up for 1pm start

Living together, you'd find yourself irritated beyond measure with his inability to do anything for himself.

If you don't like his behaviour right now, it'll get worse when you move in together. Sorry, OP.