To want DP to grow up

[crazycatgal]

DP is 27 and we've been together for 7 years, we don't live together because we can't afford to so both live with parents. I'm currently still studying so that I can become a teacher.

DP graduated at 22 and ever since has worked for the same large retail company planning kitchens. He is on a 16 hour contract and often does more but his wage is around a pound above minimum wage and he often complains that he is skint. I keep telling him to get another job but any efforts are half-arsed and he only applies for jobs that I find for him - he can't be bothered to sit down and job search himself.

There are other companies where he could do the job that he does now but he says that he doesn't want a job that's commission based as the commission isn't guaranteed. This annoys me because he is on around 11k a year and the basic salary for these jobs is around 18k which is much more than he is on.

DP has a car on finance which costs around £320 a month and uses up most of his wage when fuel is factored in too.

He can't cook, doesn't know how to use the washing machine and never does anything around his parents house and doesn't pay any rent either. He is an only child and his mum really enables his behaviour.

I know I have a year until I will be working full time but I'm worried that when I am working full time DP will still be the same and If we want to move in together I'll be the one paying for everything and doing everything around the house. I've tried to talk to him about how I feel and he just gets moody and doesn't change.

I wouldn't be bothered about his low wages if he was actively trying to find another job and acted like an adult by doing household chores. I just feel like he can't be bothered and I don't want to spend my future working hard in order to prop up another person.

OP, you sound a lovely, caring partner & I think some of the things written here must be very hard to hear.

Keep having these conversations with him about the future. See if his actions match his words. Talk is very cheap. And easy. Sadly, I think that you are in love with the person he could become, rather than who he is.

Stop trying to change him - either accept him as he is or leave.
MN seems full of people who's DPs/DHs never grew up and they spend most of their time complaining about the fact they can't look after themselves.
I've been in relationships with men who were still holding on to the apron strings and I hated it. I married a man who is just as capable as looking after himself as I am (maybe more so!)

Poor you, and believe me you will be poor if you're depending on this peach of a lad.
FFS grab hold of yourself and get some self respect love.

You personally aren't fucked up and weird but it is not normal for an adult of his age to not be bothered about bettering them self. Especially if the reason they can't move out of their parents house and live with their partner of 7 years is because they can't afford to due to a low paying job.

You say you have invested years of your life into this relationship, but for what return? What has he put in? You have bettered yourself and got a teaching degree, you are ready for adulthood whereas he is still where he was when you met. Just because this is what you've done for the last 7 years doesn't mean you have to keep doing it. Imagine in another 7 years saying oh well I have invested 14 years into this relationship, but you are still on at him to get a better job. That's 7 years you could have spent with someone who actually wants to put effort in, who actually wants to be an adult.

@crazycatgal I could be wrong but maybe run was trying to help you to see how fucked up and weird your relationship and the whole situation is. You are so desperate for him to be someone else you send him job searches that he has zip all interest in doing for himself. He's not the man for you. That is ok. It's normal for things to change. Nothing you do will change his fundamental personality though. The only way to change this is by taking a deep breath, dusting yourself off, ending the relationship like a mature adult who values themselves, and then eventually when you are ready, you can find and fall in love with a wonderful person who is ready made to your specifications.

You just described my other half! He promised he would better himself, we moved in together and now have 2 children. Fast forward 5 years he is no better. Now all my friends are going on lovely family holidays, moving to larger houses, replacing kitchens etc and I am stuck with the lazy pig. I would get out now while you still can, or at least rent together for a while before you commit to anything.

If he hasn't got any get up and go in his 20s, what on earth will he be like in his 40?

Don't view these years as wasted, you've been studying and enjoying some companionship. However the time has taught you what you do want in a long term partner. All that is valuable time spent and valuable learning. You're still really young at 27 with your whole life ahead of you.

Take the plunge, take a break and see where you are in six months time.

Op this is him. He wont change. You cant change him. getting married wont change him. You getting pregnant won't change him. You will never be able to rely on him, it will aways be you. Short maternity leave and then back to work ft and doing eveything at home, all decisions, all housework. Youll feel like you live with a teenager and wonder why your life change but his didn't.

So he has aspirations but still to lazy to do anything about it..? Does he always put everything off or does he ever get round to doing anything?
Time is such a precious resource and he's squandering it by lazing around - has he considered investing his plentiful spare time into studying or retraining for a better career?
He needs to set an action plan pronto otherwise he'll never get the motivation to do a sodding thing.
He might want a mortgage and family life etc, but does he really realise the effort and hard work required for that? He should by now - he's a grown man!

Pleasedont, forgive me for asking, but how was it that you agreed to one child and then another? I am not trying to harangue you or anything. It's just that there are so many women who are unhappy but have children, and the thought process would be illuminating.

The job situation is fucked up. Your behaviour with the job searches is weirdly infantilising and controlling to me.

He doesn't want to look for different work. He doesn't want to do housework. He doesn't much want to earn more money. He doesn't want to work harder. He is happy as he is. But you can't accept his choices about his life. You refuse to accept his choices so much that you have searched for new jobs for him.

I'd be incredibly angry at my DH if he went and did loads of job searches on my behalf. Worse if he then got the hump when I didn't follow up. I'm an adult. I can use a computer. I don't need someone else to Google for me. If I want to search for something important to my life, like a new job, then I will do so.

You are trying to mould him into being the boyfriend you want. You won't accept that he is who he is. You have been demanding that he change his personality because his actual personality isn't a good match for you. That is wrong and has been for some time by the sounds of it.

Stop trying to "improve" him into being a different person. Look at the person he is. Ask yourself if that's a person to spend more of your best years with.

Personally, I'd be off like a shot from someone with so little ambition and who takes advantage of women like he does with his mother.

@RunRabbitRunRabbit personally I don't think sending a few jobs to DP and saying 'why don't you apply for this' is infantilising and controlling. Do you know the meaning of controlling?

The point is, he should be doing it himself.

Honestly if that is all you pulled from run's post then you are just as immature as your man baby and you deserve each other.

You came here to us because you have deep concerns about your relationship. Why the fuck then do you go on the defensive and act snarky at very good sound advice that is trying to encourage you to think critically about your current situation and to make an informed decision to dump this parasite.

You just want someone to come along and tell you about their man baby success story don't you. Don't hold your breath waiting for that.

You just want someone to come along and tell you about their man baby success story don't you.

This, 100%.

Behind every miserable wife of a manchild on MN, there's a backstory that looks exactly like yours, OP.

Please re-read Rabbit's post. It is wise.

@wotabastard I am listening to people though. Everyone who has posted here so far apart from you and Runrabbit has done so constructively without name calling.

I'm happy to read comments but I'm not here to be called weird and immature by a couple of posters.

I've had a bereavement a couple of days ago so I'm going to ask for this thread to be removed now because I really don't need to read comments that are starting with name calling.

Thanks to everyone else for your comments.

YANBU. I was in a relationship with a similar sounding man in my 20s. He was very attractive and I really fancied him, but he spent his free time gaming, online or in bed. He had no get up and go basically and had a period of unemployment because he didn't like his job and couldn't be bothered to get another one. Eventually I dumped him because we both had a free day and he didn't want to get out of bed to go anywhere. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was really hard to stick to it but I knew it was the right thing to do. Luckily he met someone online very soon after that and so there was no going back, even though I was very tempted. I really loved him (or thought I did). I met my husband 18 months later and we share the same values, he is hardworking, ambitious but also prioritises our family. We have a great life together. Breaking up with the ex was one of the hardest decisions I've made but in hindsight the best one. My mum said to me at the time that I needed to meet someone who shared my values, at the time I didn't really understand what she meant but I do now.

OP if you're a teacher then you're used to damned hard work, and planning and analysing and doing and always trying to help those who can't do something grow into being able to.

From another teacher who learned this the hard way: sometimes that creeps into your personal life and starts to look like co dependency.

You can teach and rescue kids. You cannot and shouldn't teach and rescue the person who's meant to be your partner in life. That way lies stress and misery.

crazycat
I am sorry that you are feeling vulnerable right now.

Posters are frustrated because you can't see that you have already slipped into a quasi-parental or teacher / child role with him. He is not the person you want him to be and he has no obligation to become your idea of a partner just because of your shared history.

You either accept him for who he is and the life he wants to lead or you move on and in time find a partner better aligned with your hopes and dreams. I would also say that perhaps a bit of time out of a relationship just doing whatever you want to do might not be a bad thing.

Neither of you are wrong but you are no longer suited.

Sorry you're upset OP. Actually I have sent jobs to my DH that I thought might interest him so I don't think that is weird!

Sorry to hear about your bereavement Sometime these things make us take a step back and see what's important in life. Your DP has no incentive to change unfortunately, as much as you'd like him to.

If he was 21/22/23/24 I'd be saying "he's still young enough to grow out of it", but at 27 hes closer to 30 than 20. I'm not one of those people who think everyone should be up at the crack of dawn digging a shrubbery, but still having his mum wake him up for work?

"he does say that he wants to get married and have a mortgage, but when I ask where he sees himself careers wise he doesn't know. "

Thats an easy one, he likes the idea of you buying a house and him owning half.

I hope MN don't remove this thread just because the OP hasn't liked some of the phrasing.

I'm sorry you've had a bereavement crazycatgal and i don't know if that's what's making you rethink this relationship, but it really is unanimous that you are wasting your time and it will only get worse once you've qualified.

What do your family think? (I know what I'd be saying to my DC)

It's tough to be told the harsh truth. OP please remember that everyone here is only responding objectively to your post. Perhaps you jumping to your DP's defence speaks volumes. You clearly don't want to leave him so now you just have to be sure that you can continue to support him in this way and it won't wear you down.