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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Busy Cafe/Kids/Elderly

108 replies

RatsInTheWalls · 14/08/2017 11:11

You walk into a busy cafe. You leave your 6yo to choose a table and go and order. You haven't noticed that there's a group of 5 ppl also organising themselves i.e. ordering/some sitting/with luggage/3 of the 5 are elderly.

Tables sit 4 or 2 and fixed. The groupof 5 were expecting to take up a 2 and 4 next to each other when you realise that amongst the busyness (if that's a word!) your child has chosen to sit at the table for 2 that the group wanted to use. 2 of the elderly people have already sat down at the table for 4.

There are lots of other tables available.

Do you

A Ignore the group and let them sit separately or stand

B Ask your child if it's ok to move because some of the group can't sit

C Tell your child that you're moving to another table because there are lots available

AIBU to think that C is the only acceptable and logical response given how many other tables there are? Grin

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 14/08/2017 16:49

I'd go with E expect a group of adults to have organised themselves on the appropriate number of tables but when I realised they were prepared to be ageist and entitled about things would have advised my child we should move

Gonegonegone · 14/08/2017 17:12

When do we teach older people to have some consideration and compassion for children with disabilities?

Personally I don't let mine wander off, but I would sit them down first as they don't cope with a cue & are so anxious they wouldn't move out if they're seats so are trust worthy that way. Doesn't sound at all like the group had marked the table in any way, so I would seat mine, get their orders and expect adults with capacity (op has in no way suggested they don't) to have some consideration and compassion for children with disabilities. My children would be no more able to live after being sat down (they are that rigid because of their disabilities) than a person unable to walk would be able to get out of their wheelchair if you demanded. We have an awful attitude to disability in this country and it sucks even more than the job of educating the public about this falls to people with disabilities or their carers.

Spikeyball · 14/08/2017 17:18

Maxthemartian some children (and adults) with sn can only cope with sitting in certain places. If I had found one of the few seats that would work for my son, I would not be moving but like Gone, I would explain why.
If there were no suitable seats we would have given the cafe a miss.

maxthemartian · 14/08/2017 17:31

I am not meaning to be offensive but if someone who is physically frail needs to sit down then that has to take priority.

I say this as someone with sensory processing issues myself.

StickThatInYourPipe · 14/08/2017 17:32

I think anyone who leaves elderly people with nowhere to sit in order to pander to their children is of course wrong

But that is not the issue here is it?

Shadow666 · 14/08/2017 18:21

The OP said there were loads of empty seats, just not any seats together.

Gonegonegone · 14/08/2017 19:02

Ah how simple life would be if my kids only had sensory processing issues....

Surely people have enough sense to understand that disabilities are hugely varying. And that children struggling with them are the least likely group to have any coping strategies in place. I have 3dc with multiple developmental and physical disabilities and mental health problems. And they are all still under assessment so will likely have more diagnosis' down the line. None of these are visible disabilities btw.

I also have huge sympathy for the poster who explained her MH problems and said she wouldn't be comfortable sharing these. My DC are all under 8 and so far have had me speaking honestly and advocating to anyone about their disabilities. They have learnt their needs and limitations are nothing to be ashamed of. But as they get older the effect of the general publics lack of understanding and condemnation of disabled people may change this and they may not be comfortable sharing this information. Nor should they have to feel they must share private medical information to justify their needs. So I very much sympathise with previous poster.

shakeyourcaboose · 14/08/2017 19:11

So a child sitting where they want is being 'pandered to' yet an adult who is expecting others to move so that they can sit where they want is in the right? Hmm

Witsender · 14/08/2017 19:13

Even without disabilities, if I sent my 7 yr old off to sit down I wouldn't then just march up and overrule her with no reason. I'd find it quite rude if a group came up and loitered despite our/her being sat there first, especially with the implication that we should move. Of course once I had cottoned on what was happening I would suggest that we moved, as it sounds like happened here.

However would it not have been more polite for you or one of your group to ask nicely? After all, they were sat there first even if you had (obviously or otherwise) hoped to sit there.

Flowerpower321 · 14/08/2017 19:19

Move a chair from one of the empty tables to the other end of the 4 person table for one of the people who only has a drink. Incoveniences no one, no drama, no issue.

grannytomine · 14/08/2017 19:30

I think the group of 5 should have indicated they were using the two tables and avoided the confusion e.g. if two sitting down then one at each table or leave a coat or bag on the table. Six year olds can hardly be expected to look at a couple of people at a table and then look at the queue and work out they just might need the table.

I think the mother was polite to organise the move.

shakeyourcaboose · 14/08/2017 20:05

Agree with granny and just to add a bit more as it doesn't appear that your table had any interaction with the lady and her child other than your expectation that they move, maybe they thought you were leaving?

Original poster
RatsInTheWalls · 14/08/2017 21:41

Hi all thanks for the responses, I've definitely good food for thought Smile

I did personally want to say something but my relatives didn't want a fuss so I followed their lead but perhaps shouldn't have

Thanks again

OP posts:
Witsender · 14/08/2017 21:55

Sounds like you got more of a fuss, I envisage a little league aggressive loitering, with huffing and perhaps the odd look?

emmyrose2000 · 15/08/2017 09:12

Move a chair from one of the empty tables to the other end of the 4 person table for one of the people who only has a drink. Inconveniences no one, no drama, no issue

This is what I'd have done, and have done so on many occasions. I used to regularly go out as part of a group of five. When we stopped for lunch (usually at a food court with fixed tables) we'd regularly pull up an extra chair and add it to our four-top table. It never once occurred to us to expect anyone - adult or child - to move from THEIR table so we could spread out across two tables.

Frankly, I doubt I'd even notice what was going on at another table/s and unless they blatantly asked us/me to move, we'd be none the wiser as to what they were doing or wanted.

OP sounds rather entitled.

emmyrose2000 · 15/08/2017 09:13

I did personally want to say something but my relatives didn't want a fuss so I followed their lead but perhaps shouldn't have

You wanted to say something to another person sitting at their table minding their own business simply because you felt entitled to that extra table?

Original poster
RatsInTheWalls · 15/08/2017 09:15

Nooooo I meant I wanted ask if we could have the table Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
RatsInTheWalls · 15/08/2017 09:17

The reason I mentioned that the tables were fixed was that a chair would not have fit at the end in between the two and the four btw

OP posts:
Original poster
RatsInTheWalls · 15/08/2017 09:19

aggressive loitering, with huffing and perhaps the odd look?

The thought my aunts doing any of those things has really made me chuckle, it was nothing like that. (And I wasn't doing those things either)

OP posts:
brasty · 15/08/2017 09:19

C, and I would do that with an adult i.e. lets move so those people can sit together.

stitchglitched · 15/08/2017 09:24

How did the mother know you needed the table if no one said anything to her?

Original poster
RatsInTheWalls · 15/08/2017 09:51

She realised when she saw/heard us talking about who would stand or move. My relatives were genuinely not being passive-aggressive, they are simply quiet people who don't like a fuss.

They/we were very grateful that they lady did move, I just think it's a shame that the lady initially did her best to ignore us.

As I've said, I understand that it is essentially a non-issue and I thought the grin at the end of my OP would show that I was being quite light hearted. Maybe not.

OP posts:
shakeyourcaboose · 15/08/2017 09:55

I'm actually getting further confused, so there was NOTHING to indicate that your family expected this table? No eye contact, gestures or anything other than also being present in the cafe??

stitchglitched · 15/08/2017 10:03

So none of you even asked her for the table, but she eventually noticed you all standing around pondering where you were going to sit, so took it upon herself to persuade her son to move and let you have the table? And you are complaining that she didn't tell him to move in a way you approve of? Christ.

JeffyJeffington · 15/08/2017 10:13

How she decided to move the child (via consultation or coercion) is none of your beeswax. Your opinion that she was trying to do A is irrelevant. You got what you wanted and they moved!

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