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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Busy Cafe/Kids/Elderly

108 replies

RatsInTheWalls · 14/08/2017 11:11

You walk into a busy cafe. You leave your 6yo to choose a table and go and order. You haven't noticed that there's a group of 5 ppl also organising themselves i.e. ordering/some sitting/with luggage/3 of the 5 are elderly.

Tables sit 4 or 2 and fixed. The groupof 5 were expecting to take up a 2 and 4 next to each other when you realise that amongst the busyness (if that's a word!) your child has chosen to sit at the table for 2 that the group wanted to use. 2 of the elderly people have already sat down at the table for 4.

There are lots of other tables available.

Do you

A Ignore the group and let them sit separately or stand

B Ask your child if it's ok to move because some of the group can't sit

C Tell your child that you're moving to another table because there are lots available

AIBU to think that C is the only acceptable and logical response given how many other tables there are? Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
RatsInTheWalls · 14/08/2017 12:47

I suppose sitting was not really the right choice of word. They/we were at the table but arranging the luggage, teen ds was helping my great aunt and then the little one appeared almost out of nowhere lol

OP posts:
StickThatInYourPipe · 14/08/2017 12:50

Right so they say 'oh sorry! People are already sitting there!' In a nice tone, if the child then doesn't move then fair enough get the parents involved. If you don't say anything then honestly A is really the only reasonable option. Or where they psychics?

Original poster
RatsInTheWalls · 14/08/2017 12:50

Yy to taking a more strategic approach but tbh i frankly found it rather difficult and stressful co-ordinating all 3 of my relatives. I'm used to 30 rascals but today presented it's own challenges Smile

All's well that ends well, I know

OP posts:
Original poster
RatsInTheWalls · 14/08/2017 12:52

No not psychic but I thought I mentioned that the mum saw us and then did A. However one of my posts does seem to have got lost

OP posts:
HeteronormativeHaybales · 14/08/2017 13:00

Fusion of B and C - it would be more 'shall we go and sit over there so these people have enough room?' than 'would it be OK...', and it wouldn't be because I think my child, as a mere youngster, should automatically give way to his elders and betters, but simple out of consideration (and because I wouldn't want to sit right next to an overcrowded table anyway).

Why should this mother have strongarmed her child immedately rather than first showing a bit of consideration for his choice before getting him to move?

Hulababy · 14/08/2017 13:05

Easiest option would have been for those who had already arrived, to 'claim' the table of 2 as well, with a bag or one sit at each table. Or for someone to just say politely to the child that those seats were already taken.

I though a previous post said mum had done B (not A) but you felt it should be C. Many people would do a combination of B/C ime.

kingfishergreen · 14/08/2017 13:09

I don't want to turn it into a SEN/NT discussion - but I do know that to my NT niece/nephew (who are 6) I'd just say "Let's move over here so that family can sit together" whereas to my friend's son, who has ASD, my friend would say something like: "Do you think we could move to this other table so that family could sit together?".

Either way, most kids, in most situations - I'd expect C.

aliceyouvegonemad · 14/08/2017 13:19

I would have done A, why couldn't you of moved?

She told her child anyway so what's the issue

TheLittleShirt · 14/08/2017 13:38

Just to throw a spanner into the works- what would the OP have expected to happen if it was an adult that had innocently sat at the EMPTY table for 2 next to the occupied table for 4?

CheshireChat · 14/08/2017 13:40

Actually in my mind it's normal to start with B and then move to C if B doesn't have the desired effect. They're just small, doesn't mean they aren't entitled to an opinion. Even if the adult will have the last word.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 14/08/2017 13:41

Mental health complications arent imediately obvious, even if you are a teacher. Me and my sister its not obvious but picking a table is difficult for us.

Needs to be quiet, away ftom main passing trafic of people brushing past touching you, not in a window or by the toilets, no water or food mess left on the table, the seats have to be visibly clean no stains, and you'd be surprised how often kids climb putting their feet on the seats which to us means we cant sit on those chairs. In some places with padded bench type seats while in the queue you see younger kids climb up and run across them and can take 2 or 3 tables out of the running. Add that if we are both out together we need a 4 table as our dad is with us and finding a table suitable can be very difficult.

As a result our dad orders while we go table hunting and he brings everything over. If we had chosen the table beside you and got our wipes out and wiped down and inspected the seats and found the table and seats to be suitable, then the rest of your family rocked up expecting us to move because none of you had sat there or put coats etc down to 'reserve' it or said anything when we first came to sit down, quite honestly if none of the other tables seemed imediately suitable i dont think we would move. We would feel bad and be embarrassed but not willing to explain our illnesses and the restrictions, which would probably come across rude with other tables free.

It mortifies me when im out shopping if i knock something off the shelf on to the floor as i cant pick it up, floors are germ filthy id have to abandon my shopping to repeatedly wash my hands after before touching the trolley or my shopping. Inevitably it happens and i walk away red faced hoping nobody saw, but have had an older woman very snottily say "Oh ill pick that up then shall i?" Thinking im just lazy or rude.

You cant see evidence of every mental health condition, and people should judge less. For all you know the kid has some mh condition hence him not wanting to move. I
His mum might initially have tried to act like she didnt see the issue because she knew moving him wouldnt be simple and he would fuss/get angry or upset. Its not fun people judging you on invisible illness and making wrong negative assumptions, nor do you want tbe embarrassment or intrusion of trying to explain to placate their judging.

Urubu · 14/08/2017 13:42

I must not be the best mum as I would do D: tell my DC we are moving table, not ask, not try to make it their choice... I would explain the reason why we need to move though.

Witsender · 14/08/2017 13:43

Whatever was obvious or what have you, or whichever approach she took, she did the right thing surely? Having a different approach doesn't necessarily make one wrong.

Witsender · 14/08/2017 13:46

Besides,if no-one was sitting at either table, merely faffing, then she wasn't really being unreasonable to do A, then B, then C.

HorridHenryrule · 14/08/2017 13:47

Yawn

Littleraincloud · 14/08/2017 13:49

I don't understand the issue and I actually think the woman was polite and that your group wasn't rude but was expectant that she should move quicker than she did. I think your group was marginally less polite than the woman

mumeeee · 14/08/2017 13:57

I can't see the problem here. The Mother and the 6 year old did move. But the 6 year old didn't do anything wrong. He sat at a table which he thought was free.
In fact as none of your group was sat there he was perfectly entitled to stay sat

Aridane · 14/08/2017 15:15

OP so when you say some were already sitting down, did any of them say to the child 'sorry those seats are taken' ?

If not I would have done A too tbh if you don't tell him, he shouldn't be punished and forced to move

punished - really Hmm?

Chestervase1 · 14/08/2017 15:17

Do children really have to be consulted on every minor aspect of life

StickThatInYourPipe · 14/08/2017 15:18

Aridane well what would you call all this 'I wouldn't ask, I'm the parent! I would tell my child to move!'

What exactly do you call that? I think it's having a bit of a go at the hold for no reason

Montsti · 14/08/2017 15:19

Of course C....

Gonegonegone · 14/08/2017 16:13

Personally I wouldn't move. All my children have ASD and other disabilities and are highly anxious and obsessive. They are only comfortable at our local coffee shop and obsessive about which chairs they sit on so if they had chosen a particular table we would be sitting their because it had their favourite chairs, which calms their anxiety for some unknown reason.

If you asked me to move I would explain the above. If you didn't understand and accept that I'd think you were unreasonable and ablist.

user1498921160 · 14/08/2017 16:20

Why on earth would you enter into a discussion with your 6 year old on this? Just tell them 'no, we're sitting over here'. If they ask why then fine, explain that the group needed to sit together. But unless there are special issues such as Gone described, a 6 year old's opinion and agreement are not necessary for something like this.

maxthemartian · 14/08/2017 16:31

I think anyone who leaves elderly people with nowhere to sit in order to pander to their children is of course wrong.
If you have a child with SN at what point to you start teaching them about consideration for others? Or does that just remain untaught forever so you don't have deal with the meltdown?

Alpacaandgo · 14/08/2017 16:43

C. The child is 6. They don't need consulting about the whens and whys of not sitting at a particular table.

And if the child had SN and would have likely kicked off at having to move tables, then its pretty stupid of the mother to send them off to pick one.