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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Busy Cafe/Kids/Elderly

108 replies

RatsInTheWalls · 14/08/2017 11:11

You walk into a busy cafe. You leave your 6yo to choose a table and go and order. You haven't noticed that there's a group of 5 ppl also organising themselves i.e. ordering/some sitting/with luggage/3 of the 5 are elderly.

Tables sit 4 or 2 and fixed. The groupof 5 were expecting to take up a 2 and 4 next to each other when you realise that amongst the busyness (if that's a word!) your child has chosen to sit at the table for 2 that the group wanted to use. 2 of the elderly people have already sat down at the table for 4.

There are lots of other tables available.

Do you

A Ignore the group and let them sit separately or stand

B Ask your child if it's ok to move because some of the group can't sit

C Tell your child that you're moving to another table because there are lots available

AIBU to think that C is the only acceptable and logical response given how many other tables there are?

OP posts:

Ikillallplants · 14/08/2017 12:00

B/C- "whoops we seem to have chosen a table that these nice people need, shall we sit on that table near the window or at the table over there with the comfy chairs?.

lozzylizzy · 14/08/2017 12:02

C obviously but if 3/5 are elderly and some elderly were standing why were the other 2/5 letting the elderly stand?

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:03

Why would they need to sit separately or stand if there was lots available?

Again, RTFT. This was the only part where they could all sit together, whereas there was plenty available for the mother and child to sit together.

Why do people comment without reading first? Rather pointless!

TheLittleShirt · 14/08/2017 12:04

I will probably sound pedantic, but if someone is already sitting at a table why should they automatically move for someone who was merely 'expecting' to sit at that table? In the situation stated above I would definitely choose option C, but I can perhaps see why the parent in question was hesitant. I was in a cafe recently and a couple sat down with their beverages, when an elderly lady came in and shouted at them from the queue that she wanted that table as she always sat there. It was not reserved for disabled etc and was not even nearest the till, the lady of the couple did not want to move, but her husband reluctantly ushered her to another table. Some people just have a sense of entitlement.

FreudianSlurp · 14/08/2017 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheLittleShirt · 14/08/2017 12:04

I am not saying the OP was entitled, btw.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:06

Politeness and concern for others is not casual ageism.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 14/08/2017 12:07

I'm another one who would do C, but phrase it like B, "oh I think these people were about to sit here mini-decaff. Shall we sit over there instead?". If dc said no, I'd do a more obvious C.

FreudianSlurp · 14/08/2017 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nina2b · 14/08/2017 12:14

Butteredparsnip1ps · 14/08/2017 12:16

To be honest I could have said B out loud to my DC even though I expected C. It's just a way of phrasing things.

The important thing is they moved, so the OP, her DC and her parents, not all of whom are elderly weren't inconvenienced.

No shit parenting that I can see.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:16

Being concerned purely because someone has been on the planet longer is casual ageism. I agree that politeness is good, and if a younger family of 6 wanted that table so that they can sit together I would absolutely move my doddery old bones to facilitate that. Not because they're young, and not because I'm old, but because there are 6 of them and only one spot they can sit together

So would I but that is entirely beside the point. A young fit and healthy person should let an elderly person sit down. A fit elderly person should let a disabled person sit down, etc etc etc.

Are we seriously at the point where manners and being nice are now another fucking ISM?
I despair.

TheLittleShirt · 14/08/2017 12:16

notevernotnevernotnohow actually I don't think that the OP mentions that it was the only place that they could sit together. So I suggest prehaps that you indeed RTFT!

potatoscowls · 14/08/2017 12:17

Sorry I know its a bit of a MN chestnut to bring out the SN card but I am autistic and have very specific requirements re which tables i can sit at to avoid making myself unwell with stress. I do often offer to move for groups etc.

I think the woman might have been trying to teach her son to be considerate of his own accord rather than just moving him iyswim?

What does the fact that some in the group were elderly affect? Am i missing something?

StickThatInYourPipe · 14/08/2017 12:18

I don't understand why you would be 'concerned for their wellbeing' regarding needing to sit as two 3s instead of one 6?

If there was a possibility of this causing major issues, surely you would have sent one out of the 6 to reserve the tables. It's not hard to say to a child, sorry someone if already sitting there is it?

I don't see why anyone was entitled to this seating and have no idea why you are so cross about this OP as the woman and her child did move in the end?

FreudianSlurp · 14/08/2017 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iris65 · 14/08/2017 12:22

My DP has Asperger's. He does not notice social cues or pay attention to things around him. In a similar situation I had to say that I thought we should move and we did once I had explained what was happening. I would do the same thing with a six year old but expect to move first and explain later. With my DP he needs the explanation before he will do something. Often people think that he is rude and ignorant but I know that isn't the case and just smile back at them if they comment.

RainbowJack · 14/08/2017 12:24

This was the only part where they could all sit together

Where does it say that?

Willow2017 · 14/08/2017 12:30

Easiest thing woukd havebbern someone taking the orders and the rest sitying down

But I would have explained to a 6yr old why we needed to move I wouldn't stay at the table on the say so of a 6yr old.
(Medical reasons why it may have a detrimental affect on child asside and I would not be bothered in the slightest if someone explained that they couldn't move because of that to me I would just sit elsewhere )

Original poster

RatsInTheWalls · 14/08/2017 12:30

There were lots of 2s and 4s available but no '6s'

Some people in our group were only having drinks and they had already arrived hence why they had sat down

To be clear, we made no fuss and didn't tut or mutter but it was painfully obvious to (me at least) the woman was really trying to do A and I suppose that is whay really surprised me.

I'm a teacher and from what I observed and I was unaware of any additional needs but of course I may be mistaken.

OP posts:

Doughnutsandrainbows · 14/08/2017 12:34

But her intention or not she didn't do A, because they did indeed move. So it is a non issue isn't it?

Syc4moreTrees · 14/08/2017 12:34

If there are loads of tables available why didn't the oldies just move *ducks

Sandsnake · 14/08/2017 12:37

C, definitely. Though I would explain to the child why and praise him for giving up his table. It would be non-negotiable though (in the absence of SEN, in which case I'm not sure as every child with SEN is different and I think only the individual parent would know what to do in that situation).

StickThatInYourPipe · 14/08/2017 12:37

OP so when you say some were already sitting down, did any of them say to the child 'sorry those seats are taken' ?

If not I would have done A too tbh if you don't tell him, he shouldn't be punished and forced to move (you think B was rediculous) you were not entitled to those seats and if you wanted them, you should have said when he tried to sit down. Sorry!

RainbowJack · 14/08/2017 12:39

YABU to say C is the only acceptable response.

They got to the 2 first, it was a courtesy they moved allowing you to sit together.

Next time, 1 person should have sat at the 2 and 1 at the 4 claiming both.

If you're going to bogart tables pre-order. Do it right.

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